21 January 2008
218
218
R. Linda:
The fudge is here, all 165 lbs of it. I was down talking to me old neighbour when he looked passed me and said, "Ayuh UPS."
Sure enough, there was the man in brown lugging a box up the hilly two football fields of a driveway. I took pity on him and left the old neighbour to go help.
"That for Gabe?" I asked the poor man and he nodded out of breath, his tongue was hanging out of his mouth from the exertion.
"That's him up there by the garage," I said, "let me take that for you and I'll see he gets it." And I turned and waved at the old neighbour who smiled and waved back.
"Here ya go then," said the UPS man, and with a deep breath he turned and slowly dragged his arse back down the two football fields of a hilly driveway to his big warm brown truck thinking me old neighbour was that terrible Gabe person.
So I got the heavy package to me neighbour who said, "Here now Gabriel, let me put that on my dolly it sure do look haeavy and you can take it on up to your house with ease."
And this I did.
Tonya saw me coming with the dolly and she opened the door and said, "I take it that is IT, isn't it?"
I smiled broadly nodding, and carted the box in. We dug down underneath what had to be 110 lbs of styrofoam peanuts and I hauled out, well tried to haul out, the heavy Tupperware container. It was marked Chocie Box. It was like being Indiana Jones and discovering the golden sphere. I took it out gently (well, as gently as its heaviness would allow) and struggled to hold it aloft in the light for a second of adoration.
 |
| AND HERE IT IS! FINALLY |
"CHOCIEEEEEEEEEEE." We both sang out and then Tonya put her hands under the container as we eased the Chocie Box down with reverence. Then we dug in. Yes, we did and we were unsuccessful at breaking a chunk, so we sat down and stared at the chocie willing it to soften up. We tried several times, both of us salivating until finally, I was able to break a piece free and split it into two. We fought over who had the bigger piece, but she was too fast for me and popped it in her mouth before I could. She sat there, me watching, her eyes crossed in pure joy, and so quickly I popped a measly piece in and OH MY GOD! Cold or not, it was damn GOOOOOD!!!
"THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ROLONDA!" Tonya sang.
I stopped chewing, "Who's Rolonda?" I asked.
She caught a piece of fudge dribbling out of the corner of her mouth and said, "Your friend, in Colorado, the fudge," she pointed at the Chocie Box.
I sat there eyeing the fudge for another piece and said, "LINDA, her name is LINDA."
"No, no, it's not, it's something that starts with an R."
"WHAT? It's Ramona, Tonya, RAMONA."
"No, no, it's ROLONDA I like that name, her name is Rolonda the Fudge Lady Par Excellence."
"She's Linda to me, so whatever. I am going to tell her you renamed her and she won't let you have anymore from the Chocie Box."
And with that, I gathered up the Chocie Box and went into the other room. It wasn't long after Tonya came in with the candle heater and the honey fudge.
"I will fire up this heater and put the honey fudge spread on it and then we'll see who gets warm toast with honey fudge on it," she sneered at me. Yes, she SNEERED at me. I had forgotten the other items were in there such was my passion for the fudge.
I held the Chocie Box tightly to me chest and shook me head at her. She opened the candle warmer and plugged it in. I stood there aghast. She then took the jar of honey fudge spread and placed it squarely on the warming pad, looking at me intently.
I stood there for a few minutes, the Chocie Box about glued to me chest, when the subtle smell of fudgy spread started to waft its way to me nose.
"OK, OK, here you can have some fudge, but we have to make some toast first and then put some of THAT," (I pointed to the warming spread) "on it."
"I thought you'd change your weak mind," Tonya said easing the Chocie Box from me.
So I started some toast and I be going to slather some of the honey fudge on it. She can make her own, but I have to tell you if she keeps at that fudge like she is, she should be green around the gills and weigh at LEAST 245 lbs. Her excuse for eating a "piece of this and a piece of that" is she's trying to guess what is orange fudge and what is cinnamon and what is almond.
I know we are like two misbehaving spoiled brats, but when it comes to chocie you know we lose all sense of maturity.
Rest assured the Chocie Box is in good mouths, I mean hands, and we both thank you for sending such a lovely large supply. Of course, you know by the time we finish that 8 1/2 lbs we will be swearing off fudge for a very long time. We never do anything in moderation, as you know, so I expect it'll be gone by Sunday, no make that this Tuesday, um, no how about tomorrow? Ton says, TONIGHT. Oi.
Later:
Well, feel honoured ROLONDA, Tonya has made you one of her people. I said to her in between mouthfuls of raspberry fudge (it is raspberry isn't it?) that you were not a black woman. And she said, you made the best darned fudge in the world so now you are because black women are the only women that can cook like that. She likes the raspberry the best and I like the orange.
We never did get to the honey fudge because we have been stuffing our faces with your fudge so much so, that neither of us could move to the kitchen to make toast. So the honey is on hold. We gorged ourselves until we were ready to barf and swear we weren't having anymore, and then a few minutes later we were at it again.
We are on such a sugar high my wife challenged me to a race around the house. But what she meant was a race around the walls of the room. We are so sugared up, we think we can do it sideways on the walls without falling off. She has cleaned the house twice, cleaned out the cabinets, emptied the fridge, and I have gone outside to shovel, YES I DID, and I actually sprinkled salt on the icy walkway. We can't stop.
Thank you again, BUT there is one drawback Tonya thinks she's gained 30 lbs in 20 seconds. If she keeps at the fudge, I'll need a crane to get her up the stairs to bed tonight, that or I'll need a bigger house.
Gabe
Copyright © 2008 All rights reserved
