10 February 2012
498
R. Linda:
So there she was, sitting in her cubicle which be really MY cubicle. She was busy reading copy as I slipped in and sat down behind me desk. I looked at her out of the corner of me eye, she was not noticing me, too busy. I took a deep breath and said, "SO Jaio, looks like you will be joining me and the wife for a Valentine's Day dinner!"
Her head snapped up with a WHAT expression on her face. She looked at me over her thick glasses waiting for the next shoe to drop and never one to disappoint, slam on the floor it went.
"I, me, have fixed YOU up with that handsome Irish guy down in sports. You know the one?"
She was as still as a snake, she looked at me her brow beginning to crease in extreme consternation.
"Patrick," I said imagining him with me hands, tall, thin, that sort of thing. "It be all set."
"Y U do stu ped ting?"
"Huh? This was YOUR idea," I tried to put the blame on her.
"Nooo . . . u say u have Scottish cupile an u . . . "
I acted surprised so I went in for the kill, "Because YOU," I pointed at her, "really, really, really, really, really need to get out more. And, how much better in the company of ME, YOUR mentor? I be lookin' out fer yer interests dere Jaio and well . . . wait, don't thank me yet, there's more." I smiled like a demon.
She groaned and put the file down. "Wet u men mor?"
"I," I pointed at meself as if she needed the sign language, "will not only accompany you two kids on your first date ever, BUT me very own wife will be with us AND . . . " I let me words sink in.
"Ther mor?" She blinked in question.
"YES!" I whipped me finger in the air for emphasis, "I will be providing the evening's dinner entertainment! Yes, I will." I sat back satisfied and grinned like an idiot.
"I dont leak tis, u up ta sum ting nutz."
"No, no, no," I leaned forward reassuringly, "I have imported from Scotland two of the most funny people in all of the U.K. A Scottish couple, they are comedians both and I promise you a night of laughs!"
"I dont ting so. U go, I stay heah. Scottish cupile not mi cup o' tea. U said u self dey not U cup tea eeder!"
Oi, oi, oi. She knew what I was up to, drat! I was hoping me sign language and quick talking would distract her mind, but no, it be like a steel trap it be.
"I dont ting Scottish have sense of funni bone."
"Oh, yes they do!" I said grabbing the file she was about to reopen. "They don't get jokes, that's their problem and THAT be why they are so funny. Like for instance, the Irish gave the Scottish the bagpipes and they still haven't gotten the joke!"
Her mouth became a thin red line.
"OK, OK." I sat there trying to think of something else to convince her.
As I said that little ditty about the bagpipes, Melissa Rowley was walking her English self by and she did a double take at overhearing me. She shook her head like she didn't approve and as she walked on, I made a face at her.
"I sea Inglaise dont have funni bone eeder." Ms. Jaio said watching the venerable Ms. Rowley stroll on. I sat with me chin in me hand watching Ms. R strut herself down the aisle and mindlessly continued me chat with Jaio.
"Yeah well the Americans can testify to that," I said with a sigh. "The English made up the song Yankee Doodle to mock the Americans and the Yanks liked it so much, when the British were retreating all they could hear whilst they were leaving was that song being sung to their backs," and I laughed at the thought, Ms. Jaio chuckled.
Just then Maureen arrived, so I shut down the chat. I didn't want her to know I was fixing up her ex as she refers to Patrick, with me intern. Ms. Jaio got real busy and was visibly uneasy because she knew Maureen wasn't exactly entirely done with Patrick, so I sent her for a coffee.
"Wots with Jaio?" Maureen had taken notice and wanted to know.
"Uh," I thought a moment, "Oh! Johnny Depp separated from Vanessa Paradise or whatever her name is and she was upset, she thought they made a nice couple." I lied, yes I be getting good at it.
"I have a chance?! I'm 26, I like older guys, kidding. No, I'm not. I wonder if he'd marry me? Or, if he's not ready, well that's fine too."
"Are you talking to me?" I asked since she had warp-spaced into fantasy land. But Jaio reappeared with the coffee and Maureen said to her, "My uh . . . condolences. I really know nothing about Vanessa, except she is the mother of Johnny's kids and a former model . . ." She stopped realising that wasn't helpful and she just walked away.
"Wat her problim?" Jaio said watching her walk off. "Johnnee? Kids? Vanessa who?"
"Uh," I thought again, "She . . . she wishes she was Madonna, she goes off like that sometimes, thinking it a Madonna-like thing to do," I said like that explained everything. I don't for the life of me know where that came from, probably because Joey Carter was flashing a photo over his cubicle of a cartwheeling Madonna from the Super Bowl at his cube mate Donny Benson, the two were laughing like fools.
"Madonna? Huh? Y Madonna?" The unsuspecting Jaio asked me.
"Well . . . Madonna is the luckiest woman in the entire history of entertainment," I said.
"An y u ting sew?"
"Uh . . . well, she can't act, she can't sing . . . she is just HER! Makes tons of cash for doing nothing but being herself." I said brilliantly.
"Ah so," Jaio nodded. Then she thought about it and said, "But Moween not look leak, Madonna."
Ugh! Not doing this, I thought. So I told Jaio I had to go I was late getting home for a hot dinner and she needed to finish the copy so she could go too. I left like a flash before she could protest any further.
Two down and one to go -- the wife. God help me when I tell her how and who SHE'S spending her Valentine's Day with.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
So there she was, sitting in her cubicle which be really MY cubicle. She was busy reading copy as I slipped in and sat down behind me desk. I looked at her out of the corner of me eye, she was not noticing me, too busy. I took a deep breath and said, "SO Jaio, looks like you will be joining me and the wife for a Valentine's Day dinner!"
Her head snapped up with a WHAT expression on her face. She looked at me over her thick glasses waiting for the next shoe to drop and never one to disappoint, slam on the floor it went.
"I, me, have fixed YOU up with that handsome Irish guy down in sports. You know the one?"
She was as still as a snake, she looked at me her brow beginning to crease in extreme consternation.
"Patrick," I said imagining him with me hands, tall, thin, that sort of thing. "It be all set."
"Y U do stu ped ting?"
"Huh? This was YOUR idea," I tried to put the blame on her.
"Nooo . . . u say u have Scottish cupile an u . . . "
I acted surprised so I went in for the kill, "Because YOU," I pointed at her, "really, really, really, really, really need to get out more. And, how much better in the company of ME, YOUR mentor? I be lookin' out fer yer interests dere Jaio and well . . . wait, don't thank me yet, there's more." I smiled like a demon.
She groaned and put the file down. "Wet u men mor?"
"I," I pointed at meself as if she needed the sign language, "will not only accompany you two kids on your first date ever, BUT me very own wife will be with us AND . . . " I let me words sink in.
"Ther mor?" She blinked in question.
"YES!" I whipped me finger in the air for emphasis, "I will be providing the evening's dinner entertainment! Yes, I will." I sat back satisfied and grinned like an idiot.
"I dont leak tis, u up ta sum ting nutz."
"No, no, no," I leaned forward reassuringly, "I have imported from Scotland two of the most funny people in all of the U.K. A Scottish couple, they are comedians both and I promise you a night of laughs!"
"I dont ting so. U go, I stay heah. Scottish cupile not mi cup o' tea. U said u self dey not U cup tea eeder!"
Oi, oi, oi. She knew what I was up to, drat! I was hoping me sign language and quick talking would distract her mind, but no, it be like a steel trap it be.
"I dont ting Scottish have sense of funni bone."
"Oh, yes they do!" I said grabbing the file she was about to reopen. "They don't get jokes, that's their problem and THAT be why they are so funny. Like for instance, the Irish gave the Scottish the bagpipes and they still haven't gotten the joke!"
Her mouth became a thin red line.
"OK, OK." I sat there trying to think of something else to convince her.
As I said that little ditty about the bagpipes, Melissa Rowley was walking her English self by and she did a double take at overhearing me. She shook her head like she didn't approve and as she walked on, I made a face at her.
"I sea Inglaise dont have funni bone eeder." Ms. Jaio said watching the venerable Ms. Rowley stroll on. I sat with me chin in me hand watching Ms. R strut herself down the aisle and mindlessly continued me chat with Jaio.
"Yeah well the Americans can testify to that," I said with a sigh. "The English made up the song Yankee Doodle to mock the Americans and the Yanks liked it so much, when the British were retreating all they could hear whilst they were leaving was that song being sung to their backs," and I laughed at the thought, Ms. Jaio chuckled.
Just then Maureen arrived, so I shut down the chat. I didn't want her to know I was fixing up her ex as she refers to Patrick, with me intern. Ms. Jaio got real busy and was visibly uneasy because she knew Maureen wasn't exactly entirely done with Patrick, so I sent her for a coffee.
"Wots with Jaio?" Maureen had taken notice and wanted to know.
"Uh," I thought a moment, "Oh! Johnny Depp separated from Vanessa Paradise or whatever her name is and she was upset, she thought they made a nice couple." I lied, yes I be getting good at it.
"I have a chance?! I'm 26, I like older guys, kidding. No, I'm not. I wonder if he'd marry me? Or, if he's not ready, well that's fine too."
"Are you talking to me?" I asked since she had warp-spaced into fantasy land. But Jaio reappeared with the coffee and Maureen said to her, "My uh . . . condolences. I really know nothing about Vanessa, except she is the mother of Johnny's kids and a former model . . ." She stopped realising that wasn't helpful and she just walked away.
"Wat her problim?" Jaio said watching her walk off. "Johnnee? Kids? Vanessa who?"
"Uh," I thought again, "She . . . she wishes she was Madonna, she goes off like that sometimes, thinking it a Madonna-like thing to do," I said like that explained everything. I don't for the life of me know where that came from, probably because Joey Carter was flashing a photo over his cubicle of a cartwheeling Madonna from the Super Bowl at his cube mate Donny Benson, the two were laughing like fools.
"Madonna? Huh? Y Madonna?" The unsuspecting Jaio asked me.
"Well . . . Madonna is the luckiest woman in the entire history of entertainment," I said.
"An y u ting sew?"
"Uh . . . well, she can't act, she can't sing . . . she is just HER! Makes tons of cash for doing nothing but being herself." I said brilliantly.
"Ah so," Jaio nodded. Then she thought about it and said, "But Moween not look leak, Madonna."
Ugh! Not doing this, I thought. So I told Jaio I had to go I was late getting home for a hot dinner and she needed to finish the copy so she could go too. I left like a flash before she could protest any further.
Two down and one to go -- the wife. God help me when I tell her how and who SHE'S spending her Valentine's Day with.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
