20 April 2004
42
R. Linda:
With all the ribbing I've had on dressing like Mr. Pan, and all the green tight jokes being bandied about at me expense, I could not bring meself to go as Mr. P. Yes, sorry to disappoint, BUT!
I took me home-made green Pan cap that Argiebelle made for yours truly, and unbeknownst to you and everyone else, I went down to her apartment Saturday afternoon, and explained to her that I had already a costume in mind, and while I appreciated the effort, would she be a dear and take the hat back? She was gobsmacked, mouth agape, hat held limply in hand, standing big-eyed staring back at me.
Now Linda, another man might have grabbed the cap back, smashed it on his head and said, "Ok, I'll be Peter Pan!" Not this Irishman, no way, no how, not in this century, this lifetime. I winked at her and said instead, "I'll do you proud, don't ya worry none."
I tweaked her stunned little nose and did a turnabout before her voice registered with her brain, and leapt up the stairs to me apartment.
That night, at a quarter near six, I opened me apartment door to me makeup-wielding neighbour Tonya. In she came with accoutrements needed to finish me up. She worked diligently and hard, looking from the children's storybook to me face, in which she did a fine job. There I was set and ready to go. Tonya smiling those pearly whites in satisfaction told me I looked grand. To the mirror, I went and I must say, I looked the part I wanted to play. With a kiss to me favourite neighbour and a thank you and an I owe you one, down to Argiebelle's I took meself.
I knocked the knock-knock-knock and there was me non-date in an overcoat. I racked me brains trying to remember an overcoat in the Peter Pan story. There was none that I could recollect.
She looked up at me and a slow smile crossed her face as I realised it was because she liked what she saw. Uh oh, I knew I was in trouble. For a quick moment I thought I might have opted for the tights and green hat, but . . . nah. I offered me arm and she took it, so out into the hall we went. There we found Tonya with trusty camera in hand. I thought to meself, Tonya, go away, please! However, Argie was all for a picture BY HERSELF, yours truly not included! Well, I thought to meself, this isn't too bad no one will ever know. Only that thought was quickly wiped away by Tonya training her damn camera in me direction. The flash of the flash blinded me so when Argiebelle opened her coat to reveal her costume, I couldn't fecking see it!
As I passed Tonya, she whispered, "You don't owe me, I've got pictures."
I grinned at her menacingly and off Argie and me went.
Now like I said, I noticed Arg had on a long coat, but not until we were in the car did I spy the long flannel nightgown and slippers. I be gobsmacked she's not dressed but in her sleeping kit.
I ask her what on earth she's thinking and is she going to stop and get dressed. She laughed and informed me the party was a Tinkerbell party. She was dressed as the fabled Wendy "Don't ya get it Gabe", a prepubescent teenager. And I be dressed like a leach and here we be.
All the way to the party she is chattering madly on like a magpie about bloody nothing, and I be thinking to meself, Gabriel you stupid fool, what have you got yourself into? You'll be crazy by the time you arrive.
After about thirty minutes of this, we arrive at a place in the woods. I mean off the beaten path where you wouldn't know there is a house unless you were squinting your eyes looking for small lights way far away in the distance. Almost like faery lights.
We got out of her car and she was shuffling in the slippers and I swashbuckled meself to the door. There are trucks all over the place and I notice that right off. Persons that drive trucks don't usually dress in tights now do they? I be suddenly feeling overdressed and looking very out of place. The door opened before I could run and there was this beefy-looking fellow, eye patch askew, red coat with shiny brass buttons, a sword that is swinging at a precarious angle to his private parts, long black curly hair, white hose, black capri pants and black shoes with big silver buckles. He slurs at us, "Har mateys," and sweeps his arm down in a gesture of entry.
I mutter, "Oh me God," and let Argie go by me as I be pressed against the door jam holding me breath from the alcohol wafting in me direction from Captain Hook's gold-capped toothy grin. I go to take Argie's wrap when the Captain's hand grabs me arm and starts pulling me away towards a group of other pirates, all drunk and mostly dressed like Johnny Depp's Captain Sparrow. Well, ahoy mateys it is and a drink is thrust into me hand, in a mason jar, and it is white and I'm thinking -- moonshine. I look at me fellows and think we are at the wrong party. This is not Pirates of the Caribbean, it is freaking Tinkerbell isn't it? No more a tattered and ragged crew have I seen in me entire life!
I did the best I could mixing in with them since they were all wasted and dangerous-looking. I swaggered along with the best of them, downed home-made rot gut and I didn't dare leave them for fear I'd be missing an ear or worse. As it was, I was sure me stomach was on the floor in the corner and that it was watching me, thinking it would get me for filling it with down-home poison when I least expected pangs of pain to sear through me being . . . in the middle of the night no less.
Once I got me sea legs I looked around for Argie and her father. Yes, I was most interested to see what he was dressed in. I saw the room was packed with the likes of the lost boys, Indians, and adults dressed as the Darling family, and there were even two idiots dressed up as the dog Nana. Woof!
I must say there was one hell of a sexy Tinkerbell floating around. She was dressed exactly like the book illustration, but the hair was sprayed in a do that made me think bees were hidden inside. She was a walking Barbie Doll dressed as a well-endowed Tink. She had faery lights attached to her costume that blinked. I was looking for the battery pack and decided it must be in the hair.
I was extremely taken with this person. I can't tell you why, but it was like watching a plastic doll walking around that came to life. It was bizarre, scary and fascinating all at the same time. Or, maybe it was the moonshine doing that. I didn't know, and believe me when I tell you I did not care. All I knew, was I was in love!
I got into talking with a 'har' at the beginning of every word and a 'matey' at the end of me sentences. I became a freaking pirate with an Irish accent. Loud, boisterous and probably obnoxious by the look of me comrades. I could not be outdone. All this to attract Tink's attention.
She would float on by us, never coming close enough, because if truth be known we'd probably all have grabbed her. It was terrible -- there we were, a motley crew if ever there was one, looking blurry-eyed in her direction, mason jars at the ready, standing in a group waiting to pounce. Only she must have had some clue because let's face it, we were the clueless ones, our brains besotted and besoaked in alcohol to kill a horse or more accurately, several horses because she kept her distance.
When she disappeared we got back to 'haring' and 'mateying' all over the place, and soon I forgot my name. Someone asked me who I was and I couldn't remember. Well, good company they didn't remember theirs either, HAR!
What woke us out of our small circle of drunken stupors were the others singing Happy Birthday. Ah, a chance to lurch on into the crowd, mason jars sloshing all over everything and everyone, even each other towards the object of celebration. I actually made it standing up (ok I was leaning on some Indians by the time I reached the front), and there on a slightly raised platform was the birthday boy.
I could barely see through the feathers of the Indians, but I did spy me hat. Yes, me Peter Pan hat! He was wearing me hat. I mean the one I gave back to Argiebelle. For a tick of a mo, I was thinking -- Hey that's me hat! But I somehow refrained (for a good three minutes because me brain and mouth were not communicating so it took a while), or I should say me tongue was not exactly in working order from the moonshine. However, some minutes later I did say something that sounded like -- hay ats me ot. No one paid me any mind, nor did they understand me and it was too late anyway. The birthday boy had flung it up in a Harrah!
As me eyesight cleared, or the Indians moved so I could see, I don't know which it was, I saw something that made me clutch me heart as if I were having a heart attack. I blinked me eyes at the green-clad birthday boy, IT WAS TINK! Yes, that floating-around twinkling Barbie doll was Argiebelle's daddy! No wonder he wouldn't come near us pirates. OH MY, OH MY. I dread think, and I needed a drink bad. His wife was there too, dressed like Peter Pan. AND this gal was wearing me green tights! Why not add insult to injury? She had to be 50-something if she was a day. Me green tights hugged porky thighs, even bigger calves and the pointed green shoes! Well Linda, arse kickers like I've never seen before they were. Her big meaty arms bulged from the green jerkin she wore and I knew you did not go up and laugh at HER, nor did one say she was a real sweetie dressed like that, nooo not unless you wanted Mr. Pan to kick your arse you didn't. But something inside me drunken head had me in a jealous fit, she was WEARING me discarded costume. However, that didn't stop me alcohol-floating brain from keeping me tongue quiet now that it had finally re-established communication with me brain.
After the candles were blown out I walked up to Mr. Pan and said, "You look like me Auntie in that costume. She's a fatty fat and thinks she looks slim in green." For a quick moment, her eyes caught hold of mine and drilled into me the fact she was not pleased. Then she said, "What did you say?"
Someone grabbed me from behind and with their hand over me mouth I was being dragged back, this person telling Mr. Pan I needed a drink and they were taking me to it. I realised later that what I said was not that, it was, "Ewe ook kyte mee antee n dat stume. He's ah phate catt n inks he ooks sim n gene."
It was Captain Hook who was used to talking like that and was the only one who recognised clearly what I really meant to say. He saved me sorry arse in the nick and I do remember him saying over me head at Mr. Pan, "He said, you look good in that costume, he had a hat like that and thinks it looks better on you, Jeanie."
I didn't know the woman was a Jean. Thank God for that, because that was the only word of mine she understood.
I was shoved into the motley crew again and handed another mason jar. HAR! The Captain looked pleased with himself, but Tinkerbell had finally noticed me and he came over with what is called a shite-eating grin on his face. I felt me forehead go into a retarded wrinkle and me eyebrows were trying to keep me eyes open to face Argie's dad. He had his hands on his hips and must have been 7 feet tall up close. Me mouth hung open from the effort of me trying to look up at him. Argie told me later, it wasn't that her dad was 7 feet tall, it was that I was like 3 feet tall from where I sat on the floor looking up at him.
"Hi there little man. You comfy down there?" Tink jeered.
At the time I didn't know I wasn't standing up, so I looked to me right and left to see who he was addressing. There was no one there, so I pointed to meself in question.
"Yes, yes you. When you are more yourself, we'll have a nice chat, Irish." And out of the sky came this white card floating down and it landed on me lap. By the time I could co-ordinate me fingers to pick it up he was gone. I kissed it and held it to me heart as the rest of me crew started laughing and crowing. In me drunken haze I had completely forgotten that Tink was a man. After that, I don't remember anything else.
Somehow someone got me to the car and I fell off to dreamland, the card still clutched over me heart as Argiebelle drove us home. I do remember her knees pressed into me thighs, her hands full of me pirate coat, and her shaking the living daylights out of me to "WAKE THE HELL UP GABE WE'RE HOME!" I did, and she removed herself, but not her hands as she pulled me out of the car and I almost lost my balance on the sidewalk. She got herself under me right armpit and hauled me up the front two steps that seemed like a staircase. Once in the foyer, she let go and I slid down the wall where I ended up much the way me last memory of the party was.
I don't know how long I was there, I do remember there was a blanket thrown over me, me hand still clutched the Tinkerbell card to me heart, and with great effort, I crawled 2000 steps to me door. It took me two hours to get the key in the door, but I did as the sun was coming up. That hurt me eyes and I passed out, I think.
About 11:00 a.m. Tonya stepped over me in the doorway of me apartment and dragged me the rest of the way in, kicking the door closed with her foot. OH MY HEAD at the sound of that. She shook me just like Argie had and I will say that the effects of the moonshine, when being shaken like a bloody rag doll, is much like an electrical current going array in one's head, sizzle and snap, sizzle and snap and oh my God does that hurt.
I told her to stop and let go, she was killing me. she did and when she did, me body reeled backwards and the back of me head hit the floor with a bang and the sizzle and snap were joined with a pop, pop, pop! Tonya stood over me, hands on hips and I envisioned Tinkerbell. I must have got a silly, sloppy smile on me face because I reached up for her, only she back-stepped.
"You are stinking drunk!"
That was news? I smiled sloppily because I couldn't control me facial muscles and she left me. She was back with Alison and between them, they managed to get me pirate jacket off and dragged me into the bathroom. There they proceeded to torture me with cold water and ice cubes. I will tell you this, if I was not so incapacitated I would have drowned them both in the toilet for their efforts.
I got them out and told them I was now very much awake and aware, no thanks to them, me head was like a jackhammer was going off inside. I closed them out and got me in the shower. I got dressed somehow and found me way into the living room where I could smell coffee, sausages and waffles wafting in from the hallway. Me stomach said, "I don't think you want to attempt that now do you, Gabriel?"
I shook me head, a motion that really hurt and as it ended up, I did have the coffee and a bit of dry toast because I knew I couldn't keep the other down. But by 1 in the afternoon me head was slamming pain inside it so bad, that Tonya got a six-pack of Bud Lite to ease it off. The hair of the dog and all that. I told her the hair was moonshine, not beer and I'd be sicker. She gave me a beer with an egg yolk in it and told me to chug. I did. I felt remarkably better, but wouldn't recommend anyone trying this at home. Ali and Tonya wanted to know about the party and as it happened, I paid no mind that I was drinking me second bottle of beer and within the hour the six-pack was gone between the three of us. We hunted down wine that we had from our respective apartments and pooled our luck with spaghetti, mac and cheese and Cheetos. Were we wrecked? You betcha.
I slept the sleep of the dead and I mean dead that night. The next morning I was totaled and useless. I somehow got to work, I don't remember how, but I did. I made a staff meeting and remember none of it. I got an assignment, but I lost it. I had to go ask around (because I didn't want me editor to see I was hungover), and finally found someone who remembered what it was I was supposed to be doing. I be trying hard to remember where I put Tink's number. Why would he give me his card anyway? That seems to be misplaced, or is it?
(And yes, me profile picture is me in the doorway of me flat before we left for the party.)
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
With all the ribbing I've had on dressing like Mr. Pan, and all the green tight jokes being bandied about at me expense, I could not bring meself to go as Mr. P. Yes, sorry to disappoint, BUT!
I took me home-made green Pan cap that Argiebelle made for yours truly, and unbeknownst to you and everyone else, I went down to her apartment Saturday afternoon, and explained to her that I had already a costume in mind, and while I appreciated the effort, would she be a dear and take the hat back? She was gobsmacked, mouth agape, hat held limply in hand, standing big-eyed staring back at me.
Now Linda, another man might have grabbed the cap back, smashed it on his head and said, "Ok, I'll be Peter Pan!" Not this Irishman, no way, no how, not in this century, this lifetime. I winked at her and said instead, "I'll do you proud, don't ya worry none."
I tweaked her stunned little nose and did a turnabout before her voice registered with her brain, and leapt up the stairs to me apartment.
That night, at a quarter near six, I opened me apartment door to me makeup-wielding neighbour Tonya. In she came with accoutrements needed to finish me up. She worked diligently and hard, looking from the children's storybook to me face, in which she did a fine job. There I was set and ready to go. Tonya smiling those pearly whites in satisfaction told me I looked grand. To the mirror, I went and I must say, I looked the part I wanted to play. With a kiss to me favourite neighbour and a thank you and an I owe you one, down to Argiebelle's I took meself.
I knocked the knock-knock-knock and there was me non-date in an overcoat. I racked me brains trying to remember an overcoat in the Peter Pan story. There was none that I could recollect.
She looked up at me and a slow smile crossed her face as I realised it was because she liked what she saw. Uh oh, I knew I was in trouble. For a quick moment I thought I might have opted for the tights and green hat, but . . . nah. I offered me arm and she took it, so out into the hall we went. There we found Tonya with trusty camera in hand. I thought to meself, Tonya, go away, please! However, Argie was all for a picture BY HERSELF, yours truly not included! Well, I thought to meself, this isn't too bad no one will ever know. Only that thought was quickly wiped away by Tonya training her damn camera in me direction. The flash of the flash blinded me so when Argiebelle opened her coat to reveal her costume, I couldn't fecking see it!
As I passed Tonya, she whispered, "You don't owe me, I've got pictures."
I grinned at her menacingly and off Argie and me went.
Now like I said, I noticed Arg had on a long coat, but not until we were in the car did I spy the long flannel nightgown and slippers. I be gobsmacked she's not dressed but in her sleeping kit.
I ask her what on earth she's thinking and is she going to stop and get dressed. She laughed and informed me the party was a Tinkerbell party. She was dressed as the fabled Wendy "Don't ya get it Gabe", a prepubescent teenager. And I be dressed like a leach and here we be.
All the way to the party she is chattering madly on like a magpie about bloody nothing, and I be thinking to meself, Gabriel you stupid fool, what have you got yourself into? You'll be crazy by the time you arrive.
After about thirty minutes of this, we arrive at a place in the woods. I mean off the beaten path where you wouldn't know there is a house unless you were squinting your eyes looking for small lights way far away in the distance. Almost like faery lights.
We got out of her car and she was shuffling in the slippers and I swashbuckled meself to the door. There are trucks all over the place and I notice that right off. Persons that drive trucks don't usually dress in tights now do they? I be suddenly feeling overdressed and looking very out of place. The door opened before I could run and there was this beefy-looking fellow, eye patch askew, red coat with shiny brass buttons, a sword that is swinging at a precarious angle to his private parts, long black curly hair, white hose, black capri pants and black shoes with big silver buckles. He slurs at us, "Har mateys," and sweeps his arm down in a gesture of entry.
I mutter, "Oh me God," and let Argie go by me as I be pressed against the door jam holding me breath from the alcohol wafting in me direction from Captain Hook's gold-capped toothy grin. I go to take Argie's wrap when the Captain's hand grabs me arm and starts pulling me away towards a group of other pirates, all drunk and mostly dressed like Johnny Depp's Captain Sparrow. Well, ahoy mateys it is and a drink is thrust into me hand, in a mason jar, and it is white and I'm thinking -- moonshine. I look at me fellows and think we are at the wrong party. This is not Pirates of the Caribbean, it is freaking Tinkerbell isn't it? No more a tattered and ragged crew have I seen in me entire life!
I did the best I could mixing in with them since they were all wasted and dangerous-looking. I swaggered along with the best of them, downed home-made rot gut and I didn't dare leave them for fear I'd be missing an ear or worse. As it was, I was sure me stomach was on the floor in the corner and that it was watching me, thinking it would get me for filling it with down-home poison when I least expected pangs of pain to sear through me being . . . in the middle of the night no less.
Once I got me sea legs I looked around for Argie and her father. Yes, I was most interested to see what he was dressed in. I saw the room was packed with the likes of the lost boys, Indians, and adults dressed as the Darling family, and there were even two idiots dressed up as the dog Nana. Woof!
I must say there was one hell of a sexy Tinkerbell floating around. She was dressed exactly like the book illustration, but the hair was sprayed in a do that made me think bees were hidden inside. She was a walking Barbie Doll dressed as a well-endowed Tink. She had faery lights attached to her costume that blinked. I was looking for the battery pack and decided it must be in the hair.
I was extremely taken with this person. I can't tell you why, but it was like watching a plastic doll walking around that came to life. It was bizarre, scary and fascinating all at the same time. Or, maybe it was the moonshine doing that. I didn't know, and believe me when I tell you I did not care. All I knew, was I was in love!
I got into talking with a 'har' at the beginning of every word and a 'matey' at the end of me sentences. I became a freaking pirate with an Irish accent. Loud, boisterous and probably obnoxious by the look of me comrades. I could not be outdone. All this to attract Tink's attention.
She would float on by us, never coming close enough, because if truth be known we'd probably all have grabbed her. It was terrible -- there we were, a motley crew if ever there was one, looking blurry-eyed in her direction, mason jars at the ready, standing in a group waiting to pounce. Only she must have had some clue because let's face it, we were the clueless ones, our brains besotted and besoaked in alcohol to kill a horse or more accurately, several horses because she kept her distance.
When she disappeared we got back to 'haring' and 'mateying' all over the place, and soon I forgot my name. Someone asked me who I was and I couldn't remember. Well, good company they didn't remember theirs either, HAR!
What woke us out of our small circle of drunken stupors were the others singing Happy Birthday. Ah, a chance to lurch on into the crowd, mason jars sloshing all over everything and everyone, even each other towards the object of celebration. I actually made it standing up (ok I was leaning on some Indians by the time I reached the front), and there on a slightly raised platform was the birthday boy.
I could barely see through the feathers of the Indians, but I did spy me hat. Yes, me Peter Pan hat! He was wearing me hat. I mean the one I gave back to Argiebelle. For a tick of a mo, I was thinking -- Hey that's me hat! But I somehow refrained (for a good three minutes because me brain and mouth were not communicating so it took a while), or I should say me tongue was not exactly in working order from the moonshine. However, some minutes later I did say something that sounded like -- hay ats me ot. No one paid me any mind, nor did they understand me and it was too late anyway. The birthday boy had flung it up in a Harrah!
As me eyesight cleared, or the Indians moved so I could see, I don't know which it was, I saw something that made me clutch me heart as if I were having a heart attack. I blinked me eyes at the green-clad birthday boy, IT WAS TINK! Yes, that floating-around twinkling Barbie doll was Argiebelle's daddy! No wonder he wouldn't come near us pirates. OH MY, OH MY. I dread think, and I needed a drink bad. His wife was there too, dressed like Peter Pan. AND this gal was wearing me green tights! Why not add insult to injury? She had to be 50-something if she was a day. Me green tights hugged porky thighs, even bigger calves and the pointed green shoes! Well Linda, arse kickers like I've never seen before they were. Her big meaty arms bulged from the green jerkin she wore and I knew you did not go up and laugh at HER, nor did one say she was a real sweetie dressed like that, nooo not unless you wanted Mr. Pan to kick your arse you didn't. But something inside me drunken head had me in a jealous fit, she was WEARING me discarded costume. However, that didn't stop me alcohol-floating brain from keeping me tongue quiet now that it had finally re-established communication with me brain.
After the candles were blown out I walked up to Mr. Pan and said, "You look like me Auntie in that costume. She's a fatty fat and thinks she looks slim in green." For a quick moment, her eyes caught hold of mine and drilled into me the fact she was not pleased. Then she said, "What did you say?"
Someone grabbed me from behind and with their hand over me mouth I was being dragged back, this person telling Mr. Pan I needed a drink and they were taking me to it. I realised later that what I said was not that, it was, "Ewe ook kyte mee antee n dat stume. He's ah phate catt n inks he ooks sim n gene."
It was Captain Hook who was used to talking like that and was the only one who recognised clearly what I really meant to say. He saved me sorry arse in the nick and I do remember him saying over me head at Mr. Pan, "He said, you look good in that costume, he had a hat like that and thinks it looks better on you, Jeanie."
I didn't know the woman was a Jean. Thank God for that, because that was the only word of mine she understood.
I was shoved into the motley crew again and handed another mason jar. HAR! The Captain looked pleased with himself, but Tinkerbell had finally noticed me and he came over with what is called a shite-eating grin on his face. I felt me forehead go into a retarded wrinkle and me eyebrows were trying to keep me eyes open to face Argie's dad. He had his hands on his hips and must have been 7 feet tall up close. Me mouth hung open from the effort of me trying to look up at him. Argie told me later, it wasn't that her dad was 7 feet tall, it was that I was like 3 feet tall from where I sat on the floor looking up at him.
"Hi there little man. You comfy down there?" Tink jeered.
At the time I didn't know I wasn't standing up, so I looked to me right and left to see who he was addressing. There was no one there, so I pointed to meself in question.
"Yes, yes you. When you are more yourself, we'll have a nice chat, Irish." And out of the sky came this white card floating down and it landed on me lap. By the time I could co-ordinate me fingers to pick it up he was gone. I kissed it and held it to me heart as the rest of me crew started laughing and crowing. In me drunken haze I had completely forgotten that Tink was a man. After that, I don't remember anything else.
Somehow someone got me to the car and I fell off to dreamland, the card still clutched over me heart as Argiebelle drove us home. I do remember her knees pressed into me thighs, her hands full of me pirate coat, and her shaking the living daylights out of me to "WAKE THE HELL UP GABE WE'RE HOME!" I did, and she removed herself, but not her hands as she pulled me out of the car and I almost lost my balance on the sidewalk. She got herself under me right armpit and hauled me up the front two steps that seemed like a staircase. Once in the foyer, she let go and I slid down the wall where I ended up much the way me last memory of the party was.
I don't know how long I was there, I do remember there was a blanket thrown over me, me hand still clutched the Tinkerbell card to me heart, and with great effort, I crawled 2000 steps to me door. It took me two hours to get the key in the door, but I did as the sun was coming up. That hurt me eyes and I passed out, I think.
About 11:00 a.m. Tonya stepped over me in the doorway of me apartment and dragged me the rest of the way in, kicking the door closed with her foot. OH MY HEAD at the sound of that. She shook me just like Argie had and I will say that the effects of the moonshine, when being shaken like a bloody rag doll, is much like an electrical current going array in one's head, sizzle and snap, sizzle and snap and oh my God does that hurt.
I told her to stop and let go, she was killing me. she did and when she did, me body reeled backwards and the back of me head hit the floor with a bang and the sizzle and snap were joined with a pop, pop, pop! Tonya stood over me, hands on hips and I envisioned Tinkerbell. I must have got a silly, sloppy smile on me face because I reached up for her, only she back-stepped.
"You are stinking drunk!"
That was news? I smiled sloppily because I couldn't control me facial muscles and she left me. She was back with Alison and between them, they managed to get me pirate jacket off and dragged me into the bathroom. There they proceeded to torture me with cold water and ice cubes. I will tell you this, if I was not so incapacitated I would have drowned them both in the toilet for their efforts.
I got them out and told them I was now very much awake and aware, no thanks to them, me head was like a jackhammer was going off inside. I closed them out and got me in the shower. I got dressed somehow and found me way into the living room where I could smell coffee, sausages and waffles wafting in from the hallway. Me stomach said, "I don't think you want to attempt that now do you, Gabriel?"
I shook me head, a motion that really hurt and as it ended up, I did have the coffee and a bit of dry toast because I knew I couldn't keep the other down. But by 1 in the afternoon me head was slamming pain inside it so bad, that Tonya got a six-pack of Bud Lite to ease it off. The hair of the dog and all that. I told her the hair was moonshine, not beer and I'd be sicker. She gave me a beer with an egg yolk in it and told me to chug. I did. I felt remarkably better, but wouldn't recommend anyone trying this at home. Ali and Tonya wanted to know about the party and as it happened, I paid no mind that I was drinking me second bottle of beer and within the hour the six-pack was gone between the three of us. We hunted down wine that we had from our respective apartments and pooled our luck with spaghetti, mac and cheese and Cheetos. Were we wrecked? You betcha.
I slept the sleep of the dead and I mean dead that night. The next morning I was totaled and useless. I somehow got to work, I don't remember how, but I did. I made a staff meeting and remember none of it. I got an assignment, but I lost it. I had to go ask around (because I didn't want me editor to see I was hungover), and finally found someone who remembered what it was I was supposed to be doing. I be trying hard to remember where I put Tink's number. Why would he give me his card anyway? That seems to be misplaced, or is it?
(And yes, me profile picture is me in the doorway of me flat before we left for the party.)
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
