22 July 2011
433
R. Linda:
Last Christmas, me brother-in-law (the youngest of the Abdullah clan), got engaged to a girl he met in Amsterdam three years ago while he was there on holiday (probably smoking free weed and visiting the red light district for all I know). SHE, be a California girl, blond, petite and very pretty and probably smoking free weed as well. She liked Amsterdam so much she decided to stay and she was studying economics there at a university until she recently graduated. Anyway, she met Tony AKA Tone (typical Jersey boy, think The Situation (Mike Sorrentino), the abs, the gold chains, the taper fade hair, and you got it), and this very pretty little California blond for some reason, found him husband material. WHO KNEW? Sooo, they became engaged as he jetted there, she jetted to Jersey and well the rest of us got lost in the shuffle.
The venue for the wedding was to be Amsterdam because the two lovebirds had met there and so a wedding was arranged for the friends and family to make accommodations and fly over. Now for some reason, I thought this was NEXT July, not THIS July. I should have thought better when a month ago I was fitted for a tux, but with so much on my plate, I wasn't thinking about THE wedding. So I came home the other night (Tuesday) to the wife packing clothing she bought for the trip to Holland. I didn't think anything of it, just that I thought she was jumping the gun a little, but when she told me our babysitter Lisa was all set to take the kiddos this weekend I was all confused. Seems -- because of me head being in me work -- I had missed all the signs that precipitated a trip. I had an OH NO moment when informed that we were leaving Thursday night and I had not asked for the time off. AND worse, this was my busy time at work and I was not even sure I'd get off. What to do? Face the wrath of Tonya, or the cold heartless stare of Cruella? Well, I will say Cruella was less than pleased with me, she first said no, and then asked if I had a rented tuxedo and I said I did, and she shrugged and said, "Then go. Just be back here bright and early Tuesday morning."
SIGH.
I will spare you the preparations and Thursday night flight over, just know it was me being totally worn out, my wife had packed for me, and the only thing I had done was pick up the tux. So on the plane, I slept, A LOT. When I got off the plane (it was already Friday in Holland) all I wanted to do was sleep, A LOT, but that didn't happen.
"We need to find the driver," Tonya said as we were leaving baggage claim and walking towards the drivers holding signs with names on them. I didn't see O'Sullivan at all, but the sharp-eyed wife saw a man holding a sign that read, "Mr. Adventure and wife" and yup that was us. That stupid Dragon had done that. If I wasn't so knackered I'd have been embarrassed. And, to make this worse, the driver said, "Here let me get those bags for you Mr. Adventure, Here let me get the door for you Mr. Adventure, Here let me help you with the seat belt Mr. Adventure." Oi, oi, oi! The Dragon must have told him "Mr. Adventure" be slow in the head. Gees the woman!
We got to the hotel and in the lobby were a lot of family members milling about, just arrived as well, and there I was trying to keep me eyes open as I was accosted by one family member after another, and oh my God, the feeling of jet lag was awful. If I could have fallen asleep on my feet like a horse, I would have, but for the in-your-face Abdullah family and friends who prevented any thought of repose. Oi! Anyway, I get me turn at the check-in and ask for reservations under the name O'Sullivan. Are none. Oh good. Then it dawned on me, "Try Mr. Adventure and his wife."
"OH, yes sir here it is." The clerk said.
YUP. Dragon had made all the necessary arrangements and Ton and I were Mr. Adventure and wife everywhere we went. I wanted to strangle her. People really thought that was my name, OR I was some type of Evel Knievel. Sheesh!
So it was mid-morning or maybe it was early afternoon (it was one of them, me mind was a haze), and Tone and some of the guys wanted to go walk around and take in the sights, get a snack before lunch and before I knew what was happening, I was being led out the door with them. You don't know how painful that was, walking like a robot, being pulled along, being talked to and answering with one word because me brain had decided that if the body wasn't sleeping IT at least was. The worst of this, was as we walked some guy thought I did stunts with a motorcycle and wanted to hear all about them. Damn that Dragon!
Tony decided to stop at a cafe' for sweets and coffee and we all trucked into something called the Fantasy something or other and sat down. I was asked what I'd have, but I was slow in answering (remember the brain was sleeping, the guy who thought I was a stuntman whispered I was brain damaged from all those motorcycle jumping stunts, so go easy on Mr. Adventure - OH YEAH), so Tony and his best man, his elder bro, bought me a decaf coffee, thinking the whole Mr. Adventure thing funny (I was like WHY decaf? I need caffeine) and a couple of brownies were shoved in front of me. The brownies were so good I ordered two more, and I was thinking (in my limited capacity) that this was a bit of all right, I was mellow, but feeling pretty darn intellectual. Yes, seemed the brain was waking up! So two more brownies were bought for me with a refill of caffeinated coffee this time, and I was chatting away like a magpie when some of the women walked in, Tonya included.
"Hey Gabe, you enjoying those?" Tonya said sitting opposite me.
"Hells yeah, here have one," I said sliding the brownie dish towards her.
"Nooo, I don't eat space brownies, learned my lesson back home at the art exhibit fiasco," she said.
I chewed slowly trying to put her words together in my weary but sharp brain when I realised what she said.
"Are you . . . are you . . . are you telling me there be marijuana in these?" I whispered leaning towards her.
"It's legal here and it IS the Homegrown Fantasy Coffee shop." She pointed to the sign.
I sat there chewing less and less looking wide-eyed at her.
"HUH?" I said picking up me napkin and spitting the chewed hash brownie into it. Yeah, that's all I needed on top of the jet lag was a purple haze.
"Oh that is pleasant to watch," she laughed at me, grossed out.
"I didn't know," I said, "what a shame because the brownies are delicious." I croaked wiping my lips.
She shook her head and I offered to get her a cup of joe to go. When I got up I felt odd, I couldn't stop chuckling, like life was suddenly funny. I ordered her coffee and was looking at a photo Tony had of his grandparents that he was showing to Tonya.
"Wow, that be one colourful fedora your grandda be wearing," I said looking at the picture, "that be really blue."
They both looked at me with amusement.
"That's quite a feat Gabe, since the picture is black and white," Tony said laughing. I was gobsmacked, I saw colours but they were messing with my mind I was sure. But actually, no they weren't. I felt very mellow, I already had felt sleepy so I chalked that up to the 10+ hour flight in the wee hours and jet lag, but as we got outside, I had a strange feeling of being very tall. Everything was very colourful too.
"I feel like a giant, and everything be brilliantly coloured, what's going on?" I whispered to Tonya.
"You had a brownie too many is the problem, and you ARE tall," she said.
So we were walking as a group, there were ten of us (I think), actually at the time I thought we were an army of 1000, but I knew that couldn't be possible when we turned into the red light district because some male family member wanted to see it. I had never been, so as we strolled down the street I looked to me left, and right there in a large window was a young chick dressed in the scantiest of undies dancing in the window, and I was dumbstruck. I ambled over, jaw dropped to my knees and stared.
"What are you doing?" A miffed wife asked.
"Window shopping?" I replied as she pulled me away and back towards the hotel. So much for that.
So that night after a huge family and friends dinner, I opted to stay put at the table with the old folks, because I was just too haggard to go partying around with people my age and younger. I just couldn't do it. I was wiped out from me overtime at work, from the jet lag on the longgg plane ride over, and the brownies completely wiped my mind of anything but zoning out. And, I think the chocolate cake we had for dessert was laced with dried green stuff too! It tasted surprisingly like the brownies! Of course, Tonya denied it was grass cake, so I ate it, but then after a few minutes I got that feeling of being very tall and things looked very colourful. SO SHE LIED.
Most of the evening was a blur, except for the bride telling me and anyone who would listen (several times), about her "real Dutch wedding cake" with buttercream tulips all over it. I was so sick of hearing about the cake, I found me face frozen in a smile for so long I couldn't get me face un-smiling and it took me until it was time to retire before it finally went back to normal. Gees, I thought it would be stuck like that forever. Why do people do that? I mean get enthused over something that will be nothing more than crumbs. I guess because it's their wedding cake, but come on, why would a guy care?
I hadn't been to our room, so when the time came to leave the table, I just followed after Tonya like a puppy. She was walking ahead of me with the Dragon and I was behind them with Abdullah senior and the older brother and his wife. I don't think I was included in the conversation and I certainly hope no one addressed me because my mind was gone and I'd come off as a terrible snob or worse a bore. We parted ways with the brother and his wife and I followed along until Abdullah senior got out his card key and opened the door, Tonya and Dragon went in and he gestured for me to follow. I was like, CAN WE JUST PLEASE GO TO OUR OWN ROOM? But I said nought and went inside.
Come to find out THAT was our room. We had a connecting door to THEIR room. Seems there was some booking mistake so the senior Abdullahs decided to share a room with us. OH GOODY -- NOT! We had a thin door separating us and a shared bathroom. FOR JOY! Then I found out that I, nor Ton, packed my pyjamas.
"Hold on, I'll be right back," Tonya said and she went next door to her parents. I thought she was going to borrow a pair of Mister's pj's for me, but no she came back with a nightie from her MOTHER.
"Oh, no," I said with a half laugh, "you're not serious."
"Here," she threw it at me, "Dad's' too short and Mom's big enough you can fit in THAT."
You don't know the embarrassment of putting on a woman's nightie. Especially Dragon's.
"I used to be a man," I said walking towards the bed, "now I can grow boobs," I said showing her the abundance of chest material as she giggled at me. "And, I smell like violets."
"Nice knees there Gabe, but take the socks off." Tonya laughed softly so her parents couldn't hear.
I sighed and got in bed but the fun wasn't over. As I got in, the springs creaked. I didn't have to say a word, the wife turned around from combing her hair by the mirror and her body shook with quiet laughter. I shifted further onto the bed and again, squeak, squeak, squeak. Tonya covered her mouth to muffle her laughter with the towel as I bounced and the squeak got louder.
"Gabe! Stop that, they'll think . . . ha ha ha ha ha ha." She doubled over with a bad case of the giggles.
Yeah well, it was pretty funny. Tonya tried to get in as lightly as she could but no, no, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK! We were a mess of laughing into our pillows daring not to move, but you know you can't just settle into bed just like that, so SQUEAK, SQUEAK . . . Oh, my ribs from the memory.
"Can you two NOT pick tonight to make babies?" Dragon shouted through the door.
"Oh my God, Gabe," Tonya whispered bursting out laughing into her pillow, we were shocked and lying as still as we could our bodies shaking in laughter as we both put the pillows over our faces to stifle the sounds of mirth.
"OK," I shouted back, "But it's not easy and I can't promise we can be good."
Tonya hit me and of course, this started a wrestling match with SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!
The next morning we were both red-faced, but we hadn't done anything, we tried to explain the bed springs but Dragon wasn't buying into that. Tonya finally made her sit on our bed so she could see for herself, it was that stupid.
To be continued.
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Last Christmas, me brother-in-law (the youngest of the Abdullah clan), got engaged to a girl he met in Amsterdam three years ago while he was there on holiday (probably smoking free weed and visiting the red light district for all I know). SHE, be a California girl, blond, petite and very pretty and probably smoking free weed as well. She liked Amsterdam so much she decided to stay and she was studying economics there at a university until she recently graduated. Anyway, she met Tony AKA Tone (typical Jersey boy, think The Situation (Mike Sorrentino), the abs, the gold chains, the taper fade hair, and you got it), and this very pretty little California blond for some reason, found him husband material. WHO KNEW? Sooo, they became engaged as he jetted there, she jetted to Jersey and well the rest of us got lost in the shuffle.
The venue for the wedding was to be Amsterdam because the two lovebirds had met there and so a wedding was arranged for the friends and family to make accommodations and fly over. Now for some reason, I thought this was NEXT July, not THIS July. I should have thought better when a month ago I was fitted for a tux, but with so much on my plate, I wasn't thinking about THE wedding. So I came home the other night (Tuesday) to the wife packing clothing she bought for the trip to Holland. I didn't think anything of it, just that I thought she was jumping the gun a little, but when she told me our babysitter Lisa was all set to take the kiddos this weekend I was all confused. Seems -- because of me head being in me work -- I had missed all the signs that precipitated a trip. I had an OH NO moment when informed that we were leaving Thursday night and I had not asked for the time off. AND worse, this was my busy time at work and I was not even sure I'd get off. What to do? Face the wrath of Tonya, or the cold heartless stare of Cruella? Well, I will say Cruella was less than pleased with me, she first said no, and then asked if I had a rented tuxedo and I said I did, and she shrugged and said, "Then go. Just be back here bright and early Tuesday morning."
SIGH.
I will spare you the preparations and Thursday night flight over, just know it was me being totally worn out, my wife had packed for me, and the only thing I had done was pick up the tux. So on the plane, I slept, A LOT. When I got off the plane (it was already Friday in Holland) all I wanted to do was sleep, A LOT, but that didn't happen.
"We need to find the driver," Tonya said as we were leaving baggage claim and walking towards the drivers holding signs with names on them. I didn't see O'Sullivan at all, but the sharp-eyed wife saw a man holding a sign that read, "Mr. Adventure and wife" and yup that was us. That stupid Dragon had done that. If I wasn't so knackered I'd have been embarrassed. And, to make this worse, the driver said, "Here let me get those bags for you Mr. Adventure, Here let me get the door for you Mr. Adventure, Here let me help you with the seat belt Mr. Adventure." Oi, oi, oi! The Dragon must have told him "Mr. Adventure" be slow in the head. Gees the woman!
We got to the hotel and in the lobby were a lot of family members milling about, just arrived as well, and there I was trying to keep me eyes open as I was accosted by one family member after another, and oh my God, the feeling of jet lag was awful. If I could have fallen asleep on my feet like a horse, I would have, but for the in-your-face Abdullah family and friends who prevented any thought of repose. Oi! Anyway, I get me turn at the check-in and ask for reservations under the name O'Sullivan. Are none. Oh good. Then it dawned on me, "Try Mr. Adventure and his wife."
"OH, yes sir here it is." The clerk said.
YUP. Dragon had made all the necessary arrangements and Ton and I were Mr. Adventure and wife everywhere we went. I wanted to strangle her. People really thought that was my name, OR I was some type of Evel Knievel. Sheesh!
So it was mid-morning or maybe it was early afternoon (it was one of them, me mind was a haze), and Tone and some of the guys wanted to go walk around and take in the sights, get a snack before lunch and before I knew what was happening, I was being led out the door with them. You don't know how painful that was, walking like a robot, being pulled along, being talked to and answering with one word because me brain had decided that if the body wasn't sleeping IT at least was. The worst of this, was as we walked some guy thought I did stunts with a motorcycle and wanted to hear all about them. Damn that Dragon!
Tony decided to stop at a cafe' for sweets and coffee and we all trucked into something called the Fantasy something or other and sat down. I was asked what I'd have, but I was slow in answering (remember the brain was sleeping, the guy who thought I was a stuntman whispered I was brain damaged from all those motorcycle jumping stunts, so go easy on Mr. Adventure - OH YEAH), so Tony and his best man, his elder bro, bought me a decaf coffee, thinking the whole Mr. Adventure thing funny (I was like WHY decaf? I need caffeine) and a couple of brownies were shoved in front of me. The brownies were so good I ordered two more, and I was thinking (in my limited capacity) that this was a bit of all right, I was mellow, but feeling pretty darn intellectual. Yes, seemed the brain was waking up! So two more brownies were bought for me with a refill of caffeinated coffee this time, and I was chatting away like a magpie when some of the women walked in, Tonya included.
"Hey Gabe, you enjoying those?" Tonya said sitting opposite me.
"Hells yeah, here have one," I said sliding the brownie dish towards her.
"Nooo, I don't eat space brownies, learned my lesson back home at the art exhibit fiasco," she said.
I chewed slowly trying to put her words together in my weary but sharp brain when I realised what she said.
"Are you . . . are you . . . are you telling me there be marijuana in these?" I whispered leaning towards her.
"It's legal here and it IS the Homegrown Fantasy Coffee shop." She pointed to the sign.
I sat there chewing less and less looking wide-eyed at her.
"HUH?" I said picking up me napkin and spitting the chewed hash brownie into it. Yeah, that's all I needed on top of the jet lag was a purple haze.
"Oh that is pleasant to watch," she laughed at me, grossed out.
"I didn't know," I said, "what a shame because the brownies are delicious." I croaked wiping my lips.
She shook her head and I offered to get her a cup of joe to go. When I got up I felt odd, I couldn't stop chuckling, like life was suddenly funny. I ordered her coffee and was looking at a photo Tony had of his grandparents that he was showing to Tonya.
"Wow, that be one colourful fedora your grandda be wearing," I said looking at the picture, "that be really blue."
They both looked at me with amusement.
"That's quite a feat Gabe, since the picture is black and white," Tony said laughing. I was gobsmacked, I saw colours but they were messing with my mind I was sure. But actually, no they weren't. I felt very mellow, I already had felt sleepy so I chalked that up to the 10+ hour flight in the wee hours and jet lag, but as we got outside, I had a strange feeling of being very tall. Everything was very colourful too.
"I feel like a giant, and everything be brilliantly coloured, what's going on?" I whispered to Tonya.
"You had a brownie too many is the problem, and you ARE tall," she said.
So we were walking as a group, there were ten of us (I think), actually at the time I thought we were an army of 1000, but I knew that couldn't be possible when we turned into the red light district because some male family member wanted to see it. I had never been, so as we strolled down the street I looked to me left, and right there in a large window was a young chick dressed in the scantiest of undies dancing in the window, and I was dumbstruck. I ambled over, jaw dropped to my knees and stared.
"What are you doing?" A miffed wife asked.
"Window shopping?" I replied as she pulled me away and back towards the hotel. So much for that.
So that night after a huge family and friends dinner, I opted to stay put at the table with the old folks, because I was just too haggard to go partying around with people my age and younger. I just couldn't do it. I was wiped out from me overtime at work, from the jet lag on the longgg plane ride over, and the brownies completely wiped my mind of anything but zoning out. And, I think the chocolate cake we had for dessert was laced with dried green stuff too! It tasted surprisingly like the brownies! Of course, Tonya denied it was grass cake, so I ate it, but then after a few minutes I got that feeling of being very tall and things looked very colourful. SO SHE LIED.
Most of the evening was a blur, except for the bride telling me and anyone who would listen (several times), about her "real Dutch wedding cake" with buttercream tulips all over it. I was so sick of hearing about the cake, I found me face frozen in a smile for so long I couldn't get me face un-smiling and it took me until it was time to retire before it finally went back to normal. Gees, I thought it would be stuck like that forever. Why do people do that? I mean get enthused over something that will be nothing more than crumbs. I guess because it's their wedding cake, but come on, why would a guy care?
I hadn't been to our room, so when the time came to leave the table, I just followed after Tonya like a puppy. She was walking ahead of me with the Dragon and I was behind them with Abdullah senior and the older brother and his wife. I don't think I was included in the conversation and I certainly hope no one addressed me because my mind was gone and I'd come off as a terrible snob or worse a bore. We parted ways with the brother and his wife and I followed along until Abdullah senior got out his card key and opened the door, Tonya and Dragon went in and he gestured for me to follow. I was like, CAN WE JUST PLEASE GO TO OUR OWN ROOM? But I said nought and went inside.
Come to find out THAT was our room. We had a connecting door to THEIR room. Seems there was some booking mistake so the senior Abdullahs decided to share a room with us. OH GOODY -- NOT! We had a thin door separating us and a shared bathroom. FOR JOY! Then I found out that I, nor Ton, packed my pyjamas.
"Hold on, I'll be right back," Tonya said and she went next door to her parents. I thought she was going to borrow a pair of Mister's pj's for me, but no she came back with a nightie from her MOTHER.
"Oh, no," I said with a half laugh, "you're not serious."
"Here," she threw it at me, "Dad's' too short and Mom's big enough you can fit in THAT."
You don't know the embarrassment of putting on a woman's nightie. Especially Dragon's.
"I used to be a man," I said walking towards the bed, "now I can grow boobs," I said showing her the abundance of chest material as she giggled at me. "And, I smell like violets."
"Nice knees there Gabe, but take the socks off." Tonya laughed softly so her parents couldn't hear.
 |
| Eee-yah |
I sighed and got in bed but the fun wasn't over. As I got in, the springs creaked. I didn't have to say a word, the wife turned around from combing her hair by the mirror and her body shook with quiet laughter. I shifted further onto the bed and again, squeak, squeak, squeak. Tonya covered her mouth to muffle her laughter with the towel as I bounced and the squeak got louder.
"Gabe! Stop that, they'll think . . . ha ha ha ha ha ha." She doubled over with a bad case of the giggles.
Yeah well, it was pretty funny. Tonya tried to get in as lightly as she could but no, no, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK! We were a mess of laughing into our pillows daring not to move, but you know you can't just settle into bed just like that, so SQUEAK, SQUEAK . . . Oh, my ribs from the memory.
"Can you two NOT pick tonight to make babies?" Dragon shouted through the door.
"Oh my God, Gabe," Tonya whispered bursting out laughing into her pillow, we were shocked and lying as still as we could our bodies shaking in laughter as we both put the pillows over our faces to stifle the sounds of mirth.
"OK," I shouted back, "But it's not easy and I can't promise we can be good."
Tonya hit me and of course, this started a wrestling match with SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!
The next morning we were both red-faced, but we hadn't done anything, we tried to explain the bed springs but Dragon wasn't buying into that. Tonya finally made her sit on our bed so she could see for herself, it was that stupid.
To be continued.
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
