50
R. Linda:
Remember I told you of me new downstairs neighbour? Well, this past Friday, I was feeling kind of knackered and decided to rent me the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and GOTHIKA. As I got in me door, videos in hand, popcorn to pop for the micro, giant sized Twizzlers, and two giant litres of Coke A Cola, I be accosted, yes Linda, accosted by this mad woman artist that doubles as door person greeting me with, "Whatcha got Gabe?"
Well, I be hard pressed to lie since she could clearly see the Blockbuster bag containing me flicks and the see-through plastic baggy with me snacks. I told her I had a couple of scary flicks, hoping the titles wouldn't appeal to her, and she says, "Like gee, I never saw either of those, can I come up and watch them with you?"
What was a polite Irish lad to do? I couldn't very well come up with an excuse of why she couldn't. Though that inner voice was in me head screaming, "Gabe, don't be an arse, she'll stay for days and you'll never get away! Worse, she'll paint your apartment walls to look like Andy Warhol slept there."
I couldn't come out and say that now could I? I put on me most cheery smile and piped up with a weak, "For sure, come on up."
I be an arse, a horse's arse for doing that, but me soft heart wouldn't let me refuse her so she gabbed the lightest bag (that being the flicks), and off she goes up the stairs ahead of me. I lumbered up there fishing for me key and feigning a smile, I opened the door, she bounded in like a pet dog and I shuffled in like I be going to the gallows.
Now Linda, in conversation you can joke with her and she takes it not as a joke, but a truism. For example, the other day she was wearing these red flannel pants and I said jokingly, "Where did you got those from the Salvation Army?"
And the reply was thus: "Oh my God, how did you know? Like totally the Army. I go there every Saturday and like oh my God, you like them?"
O K
Moving right along. Is it any wonder I don't ask her out? Now mind you she has asked me out instead. I've made meself clear that if we go to a movie, we hang out, it be on a friendship basis only and nothing else. I've been not disappointed at each non-date, because so far I have fended her off with a bonafied excuse.
There is no need to go into detail on this as of yet, the relationship or lack thereof on my part, doesn't warrant a dissertation on the prat falls of me new friends gaffs. Anyway, back to me story here. I asked her which flick she wanted to see first, so of course it be GOTHIKA because she's never heard of the other one. When I heard that I almost asked if she had been living under a rock, but I held me tongue.
I pushed the video in the machine, she was content to watch the previews while I popped the popcorn, set out the glasses, the coke, the napkins, "and Gabe don't forget the bowl of Twizzlers." I get there just in the nick to see the start of the flick. Now mind you Linda, the flick has you wondering if the Robert Downey, Jr. character is lying about things and the Halle Berry character is not really demented, or maybe it is all the other way around. The flick is made to make you wonder who is what and why, and you have to watch it closely to catch the pieces of the puzzle. Not in my movie theatre though. It was non-stop chatter from me neighbour who was asking me questions throughout the whole of it. I felt by the end of the thing, I had missed it because I was kept busy answering asinine questions.
Here be a sampling:
"Hey Gabe, do you think, like that is really Halle's hair?"
"Hey Gabe, did you know Robert Downey, Jr. is a convicted felon totally?"
"Hey Gabe, like was that girl in a night-gown or a woman all disheveled?"
"Hey Gabe, I jumped at that scene, so cool."
"Hey Gabe, like what does that say on Halle's arm?"
"Hey Gabe, I totally love strawberry Twizzlers, how'd ya know?"
"Hey Gabe, you should try that fat free popcorn, it's better for your arteries, like totally."
"Hey Gabe, you need to paint the ceiling in this place, cover those water spots, wow."
"Hey Gabe, did you know Halle broke her arm making this movie? Like totally true she did."
UGHHH!
The other flick wasn't much better, because she wanted to know if it was based on a true story and she thought somewhere in the back of her far off mind, she was remembering it. She'd hide her face and tell me to let her know when the gore was over. Let me say this, I wasn't nice. I let her hide her face for most of the movie, even when the gore was over, just to shut her up.
That night, after all was quiet and she had been downstairs for hours, I could still here, "Hey Gabe," and it filtered into me restless non-sleeping night!
Yesterday, I started using the back door so I wouldn't get caught by her jumping out at me. Sadly, I must report she found me out. I made the mistake of coming in with me groceries the back way, and there she was walking the pig/dog. She went through me grocery bag and tsked at me that I bought unhealthy food items, and directed me to a health food shop a miles walk a way. I kept backing up the stairs and she was in pursuit, pig/dog and all. I got to me door, fumbled for me keys, and oh begorrah me, I dropped them right in front of the pig/dog. I balanced precariously to pick them up (she was too busy talking to notice), and I came eye to eye with that overblown hog. It growled at me it did, showed teeth. There I was crouched down, hand on me keys, the other one holding onto the grocery bag, frozen because if I moved those keys an inch, I was quite certain I'd be without a face.
Finally, through me teeth, I said to her, "Get this animal back because I think he is going to bite me."
She laughed and told me in so many words, Piglet (yes, she named it Piglet) wouldn't hurt a fly. Took her a while to drag it away from me face, because it weighs more now than it did when she brought it home.
Woe is me. I would love to move, or someone have her evicted, so I wouldn't have to.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Remember I told you of me new downstairs neighbour? Well, this past Friday, I was feeling kind of knackered and decided to rent me the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and GOTHIKA. As I got in me door, videos in hand, popcorn to pop for the micro, giant sized Twizzlers, and two giant litres of Coke A Cola, I be accosted, yes Linda, accosted by this mad woman artist that doubles as door person greeting me with, "Whatcha got Gabe?"
Well, I be hard pressed to lie since she could clearly see the Blockbuster bag containing me flicks and the see-through plastic baggy with me snacks. I told her I had a couple of scary flicks, hoping the titles wouldn't appeal to her, and she says, "Like gee, I never saw either of those, can I come up and watch them with you?"
What was a polite Irish lad to do? I couldn't very well come up with an excuse of why she couldn't. Though that inner voice was in me head screaming, "Gabe, don't be an arse, she'll stay for days and you'll never get away! Worse, she'll paint your apartment walls to look like Andy Warhol slept there."
I couldn't come out and say that now could I? I put on me most cheery smile and piped up with a weak, "For sure, come on up."
I be an arse, a horse's arse for doing that, but me soft heart wouldn't let me refuse her so she gabbed the lightest bag (that being the flicks), and off she goes up the stairs ahead of me. I lumbered up there fishing for me key and feigning a smile, I opened the door, she bounded in like a pet dog and I shuffled in like I be going to the gallows.
Now Linda, in conversation you can joke with her and she takes it not as a joke, but a truism. For example, the other day she was wearing these red flannel pants and I said jokingly, "Where did you got those from the Salvation Army?"
And the reply was thus: "Oh my God, how did you know? Like totally the Army. I go there every Saturday and like oh my God, you like them?"
O K
Moving right along. Is it any wonder I don't ask her out? Now mind you she has asked me out instead. I've made meself clear that if we go to a movie, we hang out, it be on a friendship basis only and nothing else. I've been not disappointed at each non-date, because so far I have fended her off with a bonafied excuse.
There is no need to go into detail on this as of yet, the relationship or lack thereof on my part, doesn't warrant a dissertation on the prat falls of me new friends gaffs. Anyway, back to me story here. I asked her which flick she wanted to see first, so of course it be GOTHIKA because she's never heard of the other one. When I heard that I almost asked if she had been living under a rock, but I held me tongue.
I pushed the video in the machine, she was content to watch the previews while I popped the popcorn, set out the glasses, the coke, the napkins, "and Gabe don't forget the bowl of Twizzlers." I get there just in the nick to see the start of the flick. Now mind you Linda, the flick has you wondering if the Robert Downey, Jr. character is lying about things and the Halle Berry character is not really demented, or maybe it is all the other way around. The flick is made to make you wonder who is what and why, and you have to watch it closely to catch the pieces of the puzzle. Not in my movie theatre though. It was non-stop chatter from me neighbour who was asking me questions throughout the whole of it. I felt by the end of the thing, I had missed it because I was kept busy answering asinine questions.
Here be a sampling:
"Hey Gabe, do you think, like that is really Halle's hair?"
"Hey Gabe, did you know Robert Downey, Jr. is a convicted felon totally?"
"Hey Gabe, like was that girl in a night-gown or a woman all disheveled?"
"Hey Gabe, I jumped at that scene, so cool."
"Hey Gabe, like what does that say on Halle's arm?"
"Hey Gabe, I totally love strawberry Twizzlers, how'd ya know?"
"Hey Gabe, you should try that fat free popcorn, it's better for your arteries, like totally."
"Hey Gabe, you need to paint the ceiling in this place, cover those water spots, wow."
"Hey Gabe, did you know Halle broke her arm making this movie? Like totally true she did."
UGHHH!
The other flick wasn't much better, because she wanted to know if it was based on a true story and she thought somewhere in the back of her far off mind, she was remembering it. She'd hide her face and tell me to let her know when the gore was over. Let me say this, I wasn't nice. I let her hide her face for most of the movie, even when the gore was over, just to shut her up.
That night, after all was quiet and she had been downstairs for hours, I could still here, "Hey Gabe," and it filtered into me restless non-sleeping night!
Yesterday, I started using the back door so I wouldn't get caught by her jumping out at me. Sadly, I must report she found me out. I made the mistake of coming in with me groceries the back way, and there she was walking the pig/dog. She went through me grocery bag and tsked at me that I bought unhealthy food items, and directed me to a health food shop a miles walk a way. I kept backing up the stairs and she was in pursuit, pig/dog and all. I got to me door, fumbled for me keys, and oh begorrah me, I dropped them right in front of the pig/dog. I balanced precariously to pick them up (she was too busy talking to notice), and I came eye to eye with that overblown hog. It growled at me it did, showed teeth. There I was crouched down, hand on me keys, the other one holding onto the grocery bag, frozen because if I moved those keys an inch, I was quite certain I'd be without a face.
Finally, through me teeth, I said to her, "Get this animal back because I think he is going to bite me."
She laughed and told me in so many words, Piglet (yes, she named it Piglet) wouldn't hurt a fly. Took her a while to drag it away from me face, because it weighs more now than it did when she brought it home.
Woe is me. I would love to move, or someone have her evicted, so I wouldn't have to.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
