10 April 2012
515
R. Linda:
Well here be a dilemma if ever there was one. At work, we have a sort of new guy. He used to work for us but left and now he be back. I went once with him to a cigar store at lunch break, and the problem with him, I did not notice at the time (probably because of the smell of cigars), be that he smells like poo. But now I notice it -- big time.
Before I get into it, let me tell you about me former editor who now edits another department (promotion). He has been a good buddy to me, and mentor. Anyway, he got wind of this guy coming back (no pun intended) and sent me an office email. It said, "If I were you, I'd stock up on air fresheners and maybe buy myself a little fan."
When I saw that, I right away took a whiff of me armpits thinking he meant me. I was so upset by this that I had to sit down and stare at the screen, but then Ms. Jaio came in so I put the screen down and watched her. She rolled her chair into me cubicle and started talking business and never made like I had an odour problem. And we know the outspoken Ms. Jaio would say something.
Later, when she had gone to get us both coffees, me screen lit up and me former editor wrote there was a sale on Febreze products and I should consider buying stock in the company. Again, I sat there looking at the screen and this time, I took me big size 12 shoes off and took a whiff of shoe and well, nothing that would gas the rest of the office. I was baffled.
When Ms. Jaio returned, I was pretty upset so I asked her if I had a deodorant problem.
"Y U act leek dum gai?"
"Huh? I just want to know. Do I, or do I not, have an odour problem?"
"Kum hea," she said crooking a finger at me, so I rolled over. She took a sniff.
"Well?" I said looking at her sniffing the air.
"Nah U OK."
Hum, I thought, then what is he on about? Ms. Jaio and I went to lunch and when we came back, Norton Macthornton was setting up his cubicle just in front of mine, but because he had his headset on and was on the phone, I waved in form of acknowledgement.
Ms. Jaio and I both sat down to work on a story when suddenly she started sniffing the air and looking at me.
"Oh, what?" I asked her.
"Not U, wot dat stinki smeel?" She looked around and no one was around, but Macthornton. "Hu flung dung?" She asked me.
"Uh . . ." I looked toward MacThornton and took a deep breath in his direction and almost keeled over. Stupid me! I pointed at his back to Ms. Jaio, while I held me nose.
"He stinki-poo!" She said and got up and left me.
I sat there because I had a deadline and everything was on me computer. I swallowed trying to hold me breath when me screen lit up with an IM, it was me former editor.
"Stinky Davis has arrived has he?" He wrote.
"Oh yeah," I typed back, "I wish you had warned me better I thought you meant I was the one with an odour problem."
"LOL Gabe, no it's Macthornton, he goes around with poo in his pants and he smells it. I have three air fresheners I will send over. Just place them around your cubicle and wear one around your neck."
"Thanks," I said not quite knowing if I should laugh but I wasn't laughing because no sooner had I clicked off the IM, there was Stinky standing in me doorway. I was having a hard time trying NOT to breathe. It was terrible R. Linda. I had puffed me cheeks out unconsciously and there he was looking down at me all puzzled.
"Hi Gabe, I thought I'd come over and see if you had lunch yet. I got a late start, hey, why do you look so chipmunkish?"
BECAUSE I BE HOLDING ME BREATH BECAUSE YOU STINK SO MUCH! I wanted to shout, but I let the breath out maybe a little too fast, which meant I needed to take another quickly and almost killed meself doing that. Me eyes were running from the stink, but I looked up at him and tried to smile, I croaked out, "Welcome," and then somehow got out very quickly (so I didn't have to inhale), that I had already lunched. So sorry, and the chipmunkish thing was an exercise in holding one's breath before diving into a swimming pool. I know crazy explanation but I was so overcome by the smell, me mind was not able to function under such duress.
Ms. Jaio was returning to me cubicle with a folder full of papers and as she approached she did a U-turn and went in the opposite direction, never a change of facial feature, she was really good. I'll have to admit, she did it like as if she had forgotten something and had to go back, not for any reason like the man stunk to high heaven.
That left me with HIM, blocking me doorway and I felt almost overcome in me tiny cubicle. He pulled up Ms. Jaio's chair, stretched his legs, put his hands behind his head and was relaxing in me cubicle WITH me in it, and no escape. I was nearly overcome I was.
Macthornton was going on about how nice it was to be back and how he hated his other job and now he was working with ME, and I was sitting there near overcome from spasms of stink wafting around me cubicle wondering if I would die from the effluvium or simply pass out, and I did wonder what he would think if any of those things happened. Would he realise why, but no, he was so used to that stink he didn't smell it.
As the air was turning green and a stinky smog was filling me cubicle I thought I saw the cavalry coming to me rescue in the forms of Ms. Jaio (coming quickly towards me) with me former editor (waving air fresheners in the air) to let me know I was about to be saved. But just as they got close the smell was so pungent, I watched as if in slow motion, Ms. Jaio reaching for an air freshener, pulled one from Mike's grasp and holding it to her nose, went in the other direction. Me former editor had stopped in his tracks and was blinking like he was in distress. As I watched, he put the other fresheners to his nose as he stood rocking for a moment, and then he too, turned and fled!
I sat there thinking that if I didn't get fresh air (and fast) I was about to suffer a mouth-frothing freakout. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore so I said, "Sorry Norton, I must go. I just remembered I be late for a meeting," and with a swiftness, I didn't know I had, I leapt over his sprawling, stinking form and away I rushed to get me a hold of an air freshener.
Me mentor Mike saw me coming and said, "Hold your clamour," and he threw a freshener in me direction which I caught to me and held instantly to me nose, taking great deep breaths of pine scent. OH how wonderful that smelt.
Mike be an Englishman from London and a good friend. I like the guy, he's a lot of fun as well as a knowledgeable newspaperman. He huddled me into his office and closed the door and the blinds. I found Ms. Jaio sitting inside inhaling away at a gardenia air freshener. She looked at me long enough to tell me I looked greenish.
Well, gees wouldn't you be, stuck in the stink as I was?
"Oh Gabriel, I tried to warn you, such egregious folly it was for them to hire him back. I told them not to, for just this reason," and he held up two cans of air freshener both in floral scents. He tossed one to me and one to Ms. Jaio. We were grateful, let me tell you that much. "They told me it was absurd to require any contradiction that because someone has personal body odour they cannot be hired. That maybe it was mere invention of my imagination that Macthornton smells. Can you believe it?" He threw up his hands.
"Well, you saved me," I said showing him the air freshener and sort of toasting him with it.
"Monstrous happy to do that for you both," he said grinning, "or as they say in Macthornton's homeland . . . uh that is Scotland I think, pairfect meeracle ye made it out alife Gabe," and he laughed and so did the two of us, as we were feeling so much better, especially ME.
So about an hour later, I tiptoed back with both Mike and Ms. Jaio. MacThornton wasn't there, his computer was running, and the stink wasn't as bad, but it was still lingering. Mike went to the keyboard and downloaded this to MacThornton's computer, then he set it up as a screensaver:
Once we got over the giggles he ran back and got a can of air freshener and sprayed around. Ms. Jaio hid hers behind a folder so she could, and has, covertly coughed loudly into one hand while she holds the spray nozzle down with the other. This effectively blots out the sound of the spray. Mike has also hung air fresheners in all the cubicles including Macthornton's.
When Macthornton returned from God knows where smelling twice as potent, he noticed at once the air freshener on his screen and the hanging real ones and asked me about the screensaver.
"Oh, we all had them when we started. I don't know what it's about," I lied, "but . . ." and I let it all fade.
"Okay then," he said sitting down and noticing the can of aerosol Wild Valley scent, and the pine trees hanging around.
I spoke up, "We are doing an article on air fresheners," I lied again.
"Okay then," he said, and that was the end of it.
Since the higher-ups won't fire him because of body odour, we, for our part, are getting very good at masking the air. But I ask you, this be harassment, isn't it? Or, I guess we could be accused of such as well, SO GAME ON I guess.
One thing I might share, Ms. Jaio has bought out the candy section of our local market of York Peppermint Patties. I tell ya, those things are so strong, stronger than Altoids, that we are doing pretty darn well not smelling Norton.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Well here be a dilemma if ever there was one. At work, we have a sort of new guy. He used to work for us but left and now he be back. I went once with him to a cigar store at lunch break, and the problem with him, I did not notice at the time (probably because of the smell of cigars), be that he smells like poo. But now I notice it -- big time.
Before I get into it, let me tell you about me former editor who now edits another department (promotion). He has been a good buddy to me, and mentor. Anyway, he got wind of this guy coming back (no pun intended) and sent me an office email. It said, "If I were you, I'd stock up on air fresheners and maybe buy myself a little fan."
When I saw that, I right away took a whiff of me armpits thinking he meant me. I was so upset by this that I had to sit down and stare at the screen, but then Ms. Jaio came in so I put the screen down and watched her. She rolled her chair into me cubicle and started talking business and never made like I had an odour problem. And we know the outspoken Ms. Jaio would say something.
Later, when she had gone to get us both coffees, me screen lit up and me former editor wrote there was a sale on Febreze products and I should consider buying stock in the company. Again, I sat there looking at the screen and this time, I took me big size 12 shoes off and took a whiff of shoe and well, nothing that would gas the rest of the office. I was baffled.
When Ms. Jaio returned, I was pretty upset so I asked her if I had a deodorant problem.
"Y U act leek dum gai?"
"Huh? I just want to know. Do I, or do I not, have an odour problem?"
"Kum hea," she said crooking a finger at me, so I rolled over. She took a sniff.
"Well?" I said looking at her sniffing the air.
"Nah U OK."
Hum, I thought, then what is he on about? Ms. Jaio and I went to lunch and when we came back, Norton Macthornton was setting up his cubicle just in front of mine, but because he had his headset on and was on the phone, I waved in form of acknowledgement.
Ms. Jaio and I both sat down to work on a story when suddenly she started sniffing the air and looking at me.
"Oh, what?" I asked her.
"Not U, wot dat stinki smeel?" She looked around and no one was around, but Macthornton. "Hu flung dung?" She asked me.
"Uh . . ." I looked toward MacThornton and took a deep breath in his direction and almost keeled over. Stupid me! I pointed at his back to Ms. Jaio, while I held me nose.
"He stinki-poo!" She said and got up and left me.
I sat there because I had a deadline and everything was on me computer. I swallowed trying to hold me breath when me screen lit up with an IM, it was me former editor.
"Stinky Davis has arrived has he?" He wrote.
"Oh yeah," I typed back, "I wish you had warned me better I thought you meant I was the one with an odour problem."
"LOL Gabe, no it's Macthornton, he goes around with poo in his pants and he smells it. I have three air fresheners I will send over. Just place them around your cubicle and wear one around your neck."
"Thanks," I said not quite knowing if I should laugh but I wasn't laughing because no sooner had I clicked off the IM, there was Stinky standing in me doorway. I was having a hard time trying NOT to breathe. It was terrible R. Linda. I had puffed me cheeks out unconsciously and there he was looking down at me all puzzled.
"Hi Gabe, I thought I'd come over and see if you had lunch yet. I got a late start, hey, why do you look so chipmunkish?"
BECAUSE I BE HOLDING ME BREATH BECAUSE YOU STINK SO MUCH! I wanted to shout, but I let the breath out maybe a little too fast, which meant I needed to take another quickly and almost killed meself doing that. Me eyes were running from the stink, but I looked up at him and tried to smile, I croaked out, "Welcome," and then somehow got out very quickly (so I didn't have to inhale), that I had already lunched. So sorry, and the chipmunkish thing was an exercise in holding one's breath before diving into a swimming pool. I know crazy explanation but I was so overcome by the smell, me mind was not able to function under such duress.
Ms. Jaio was returning to me cubicle with a folder full of papers and as she approached she did a U-turn and went in the opposite direction, never a change of facial feature, she was really good. I'll have to admit, she did it like as if she had forgotten something and had to go back, not for any reason like the man stunk to high heaven.
That left me with HIM, blocking me doorway and I felt almost overcome in me tiny cubicle. He pulled up Ms. Jaio's chair, stretched his legs, put his hands behind his head and was relaxing in me cubicle WITH me in it, and no escape. I was nearly overcome I was.
Macthornton was going on about how nice it was to be back and how he hated his other job and now he was working with ME, and I was sitting there near overcome from spasms of stink wafting around me cubicle wondering if I would die from the effluvium or simply pass out, and I did wonder what he would think if any of those things happened. Would he realise why, but no, he was so used to that stink he didn't smell it.
As the air was turning green and a stinky smog was filling me cubicle I thought I saw the cavalry coming to me rescue in the forms of Ms. Jaio (coming quickly towards me) with me former editor (waving air fresheners in the air) to let me know I was about to be saved. But just as they got close the smell was so pungent, I watched as if in slow motion, Ms. Jaio reaching for an air freshener, pulled one from Mike's grasp and holding it to her nose, went in the other direction. Me former editor had stopped in his tracks and was blinking like he was in distress. As I watched, he put the other fresheners to his nose as he stood rocking for a moment, and then he too, turned and fled!
I sat there thinking that if I didn't get fresh air (and fast) I was about to suffer a mouth-frothing freakout. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore so I said, "Sorry Norton, I must go. I just remembered I be late for a meeting," and with a swiftness, I didn't know I had, I leapt over his sprawling, stinking form and away I rushed to get me a hold of an air freshener.
Me mentor Mike saw me coming and said, "Hold your clamour," and he threw a freshener in me direction which I caught to me and held instantly to me nose, taking great deep breaths of pine scent. OH how wonderful that smelt.
Mike be an Englishman from London and a good friend. I like the guy, he's a lot of fun as well as a knowledgeable newspaperman. He huddled me into his office and closed the door and the blinds. I found Ms. Jaio sitting inside inhaling away at a gardenia air freshener. She looked at me long enough to tell me I looked greenish.
Well, gees wouldn't you be, stuck in the stink as I was?
"Oh Gabriel, I tried to warn you, such egregious folly it was for them to hire him back. I told them not to, for just this reason," and he held up two cans of air freshener both in floral scents. He tossed one to me and one to Ms. Jaio. We were grateful, let me tell you that much. "They told me it was absurd to require any contradiction that because someone has personal body odour they cannot be hired. That maybe it was mere invention of my imagination that Macthornton smells. Can you believe it?" He threw up his hands.
"Well, you saved me," I said showing him the air freshener and sort of toasting him with it.
"Monstrous happy to do that for you both," he said grinning, "or as they say in Macthornton's homeland . . . uh that is Scotland I think, pairfect meeracle ye made it out alife Gabe," and he laughed and so did the two of us, as we were feeling so much better, especially ME.
So about an hour later, I tiptoed back with both Mike and Ms. Jaio. MacThornton wasn't there, his computer was running, and the stink wasn't as bad, but it was still lingering. Mike went to the keyboard and downloaded this to MacThornton's computer, then he set it up as a screensaver:
Once we got over the giggles he ran back and got a can of air freshener and sprayed around. Ms. Jaio hid hers behind a folder so she could, and has, covertly coughed loudly into one hand while she holds the spray nozzle down with the other. This effectively blots out the sound of the spray. Mike has also hung air fresheners in all the cubicles including Macthornton's.
When Macthornton returned from God knows where smelling twice as potent, he noticed at once the air freshener on his screen and the hanging real ones and asked me about the screensaver.
"Oh, we all had them when we started. I don't know what it's about," I lied, "but . . ." and I let it all fade.
"Okay then," he said sitting down and noticing the can of aerosol Wild Valley scent, and the pine trees hanging around.
I spoke up, "We are doing an article on air fresheners," I lied again.
"Okay then," he said, and that was the end of it.
Since the higher-ups won't fire him because of body odour, we, for our part, are getting very good at masking the air. But I ask you, this be harassment, isn't it? Or, I guess we could be accused of such as well, SO GAME ON I guess.
One thing I might share, Ms. Jaio has bought out the candy section of our local market of York Peppermint Patties. I tell ya, those things are so strong, stronger than Altoids, that we are doing pretty darn well not smelling Norton.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
