29 February 2016
Story #801
R. Linda:
Me Mam has made friends with a few ladies since she moved to this side of the pond. One of them lives in the town next to ours, which is a place with scattered small lakes. You have a mix of lake community-type homes, and then you have your rather nice, larger homes that dot the wooded area around the lakes.
It wasn't until one of Mam's friends' husbands passed away that I found out that the place is a swingers' haven. Or so I was told. I went to the biggest of the lakes in that town for a day of ice fishing. As you know, cold-weather sports are not my thing; just the sport of forced shovelling of snow is me expertise, but I went not so much to fish (I'd let the kiddos do that) but for the camaraderie of it.
The first thing I saw as we pulled up was a sign: THIN ICE. Well, yes, because of the strange spring weather, most of the ice has melted on the smaller lakes, while it hasn't formed at all on the bigger ones. I saw most of the bob houses were pulled to the shore, except for two and a mobile trailer home. The trailer home was sinking into the ice as people with cameras recorded the event, and I thought it was not a good idea to go out on that ice with little people.
For one thing, who parks a trailer home on a lake with the hot sun reflecting off of it, melting the ice? Two, how does one prevent it from sinking to the bottom as water fills it, and three, will three guys be able to haul it up even with cables? Nah, the answer is to let it sink, and every day it's down there, pay a $500 fine until spring when you can get someone with an industrial winch to bring it to shore. I tell ya!
Anyway, not me problem; my problem was finding at least five inches of ice to drill a fishing hole. I needn't worry, there were a few holes already dug where the saner among us had deemed it not safe to stand out on melting ice and fish. With that in mind, I told the kiddos it would be a short fishing trip due to circumstances, but I needn't have worried; they saw friends on shore and that's what they wanted to do - play on the beach instead. Well, I didn't even touch the fishing tackle; I made merry with the blokes on the shore as we watched the mobile home we dubbed the Titanic slowly sink down, down, down!
It was as all this was going down (haha) that I heard about the swingers in town. Well, the stories were on the fantastic side and I won't repeat them, but for one name that was familiar to me. That was Mam's friend's husband. I found out he died of a heart attack during a liaison with another woman who was in the circle of Mam's friends. I was first amused, then horrified. Did Mam know this about the people she was associating with?
When I got home, she was wringing her hankie, and tears were streaming down her face as she told me Harriet's husband had passed away, and poor Harriet this, and poor Harriet that. I asked her after a time how he had passed, and she told me straight out what had happened.
"Did you know this bit of stuff was going on?" I asked.
"Well, for sure, and I did, but Harriet didn't at first mind Gabriel, but the old geezer had found that Viagra and well..." she trailed off, shaking her head.
"OH!" Said I, somewhat surprised. I knew nothing of the Viagra.
"You will go to the funeral wit me, won't ye?" She asked me.
What was I to say? I didn't want to, but I said yes and asked when it was. To make a long story short, I discovered that there had been competition between Harriet and the other woman for years. They were once best friends in high school, and their friendship continued into their old age. But this woman who I will call Fredricka, always had a crush on Harriet's dearly departed (or not so dearly departed) husband, Muggie, as he was affectionately called, because he would mug for the camera, or as me Mam more accurately put it, photobomb everyone's pictures because he was an egomaniac.
When Muggie discovered Viagra, he nearly drove Harriet to distraction, and she, knowing Fredricka was single and liked Muggie, sort of set them up to get him out of her hair. This went well until Fredricka introduced Muggie to the rest of the swingers in town, and well, he was having a Viagra good time.
When Harriet found out, she confronted both of them and made it clear that enough was enough. She told Fredricka never to darken her doorstep and took Muggie's stash of Viagra and flushed it down the toilet. You can imagine the scene that that presented.
"If you ever get with that woman or any woman, I hope you have a heart attack and die!" Harriet shouted at the complaining Muggie.
Well, it came true, Muggie got more of the miracle-working blue pills that made him feel like a teenager again and hooked up with Fredricka, and the rest is history.
This was the funeral I was being dragged to. I didn't want to go. I knew no good was going to come out of it until I realised I might get a story for you. So off I went, Mam acting all sorrowful for her friend, but secretly thinking Muggie got his comeuppance.
We walked into the funeral home, and there at the front of the room was Muggie all laid out. The coffin was resting on one of those metal elevator-type devices, similar to the ones used for gurneys. I thought because of the wheels, they just wheeled Muggie in and out when it was viewing time, or as Mam referred to it, "Showtime." I tell ya the woman be something.
Everyone acted tearful and sympathetic until Fredricka darkened the doorway. Oh my goodness, R. Linda, the room actually hushed, and Fredricka cast a shadow from the light of the hallway behind her, which all she needed was a DA TADA DA, and the scene would have been complete. Suddenly, as if on cue, Fredricka let out a wail and, with open arms, ran to the open casket as we all in shock watched. Making sure she was the centre of attention, she said things that stunned everyone, but not the widow, who watched the scene as if she were watching a TV show, completely detached. Without any warning, Fredricka reached into the casket and started shaking Muggie to "wake up!"
Then, without any warning to Fredericka, the metal elevator thing collapsed from her weight, leaning into it and shaking Muggie. It was like in slow motion the casket, Muggie half in and half out, and Fredricka's skirt up to her panties, coming to a bounding rest with Fredricka partway in the broken casket with Muggie's arm around her.
Everyone was shocked still. No one moved, but I had the presence of mind to look at their faces, and they were trying not to laugh! Until Harriet let out a huge guffaw and well . . . you can imagine the chaos as people and funeral attendants ran to disentangle Fredricka from the corpse and the busted casket. So much Fredricka for making a scene!
Never in me life, R. Linda, have I been to a spectacle like that. I told Mam to reevaluate her friends because I was not accompanying her to any more funerals. I was done. Anyway, Mam assured me she was not friends with Fredricka but couldn't desert Harriet in her time of need. I don't think Harriet needs anything. Muggie left her well off, and she's on her way to tour Germany and Austria, so much for mourning. As for Fredricka, I hear her house is up for sale, and no one has seen her since the scandal she caused at Muggie's departure. I would expect Dragon Lady to have friends like this, but Mam? I don't know about the woman sometimes.
Gabe
Copyright © 2016 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Me Mam has made friends with a few ladies since she moved to this side of the pond. One of them lives in the town next to ours, which is a place with scattered small lakes. You have a mix of lake community-type homes, and then you have your rather nice, larger homes that dot the wooded area around the lakes.
It wasn't until one of Mam's friends' husbands passed away that I found out that the place is a swingers' haven. Or so I was told. I went to the biggest of the lakes in that town for a day of ice fishing. As you know, cold-weather sports are not my thing; just the sport of forced shovelling of snow is me expertise, but I went not so much to fish (I'd let the kiddos do that) but for the camaraderie of it.
The first thing I saw as we pulled up was a sign: THIN ICE. Well, yes, because of the strange spring weather, most of the ice has melted on the smaller lakes, while it hasn't formed at all on the bigger ones. I saw most of the bob houses were pulled to the shore, except for two and a mobile trailer home. The trailer home was sinking into the ice as people with cameras recorded the event, and I thought it was not a good idea to go out on that ice with little people.
 |
| Can't you just hear them saying: "What to do?" |
Anyway, not me problem; my problem was finding at least five inches of ice to drill a fishing hole. I needn't worry, there were a few holes already dug where the saner among us had deemed it not safe to stand out on melting ice and fish. With that in mind, I told the kiddos it would be a short fishing trip due to circumstances, but I needn't have worried; they saw friends on shore and that's what they wanted to do - play on the beach instead. Well, I didn't even touch the fishing tackle; I made merry with the blokes on the shore as we watched the mobile home we dubbed the Titanic slowly sink down, down, down!
It was as all this was going down (haha) that I heard about the swingers in town. Well, the stories were on the fantastic side and I won't repeat them, but for one name that was familiar to me. That was Mam's friend's husband. I found out he died of a heart attack during a liaison with another woman who was in the circle of Mam's friends. I was first amused, then horrified. Did Mam know this about the people she was associating with?
When I got home, she was wringing her hankie, and tears were streaming down her face as she told me Harriet's husband had passed away, and poor Harriet this, and poor Harriet that. I asked her after a time how he had passed, and she told me straight out what had happened.
"Did you know this bit of stuff was going on?" I asked.
"Well, for sure, and I did, but Harriet didn't at first mind Gabriel, but the old geezer had found that Viagra and well..." she trailed off, shaking her head.
"OH!" Said I, somewhat surprised. I knew nothing of the Viagra.
"You will go to the funeral wit me, won't ye?" She asked me.
What was I to say? I didn't want to, but I said yes and asked when it was. To make a long story short, I discovered that there had been competition between Harriet and the other woman for years. They were once best friends in high school, and their friendship continued into their old age. But this woman who I will call Fredricka, always had a crush on Harriet's dearly departed (or not so dearly departed) husband, Muggie, as he was affectionately called, because he would mug for the camera, or as me Mam more accurately put it, photobomb everyone's pictures because he was an egomaniac.
When Muggie discovered Viagra, he nearly drove Harriet to distraction, and she, knowing Fredricka was single and liked Muggie, sort of set them up to get him out of her hair. This went well until Fredricka introduced Muggie to the rest of the swingers in town, and well, he was having a Viagra good time.
When Harriet found out, she confronted both of them and made it clear that enough was enough. She told Fredricka never to darken her doorstep and took Muggie's stash of Viagra and flushed it down the toilet. You can imagine the scene that that presented.
"If you ever get with that woman or any woman, I hope you have a heart attack and die!" Harriet shouted at the complaining Muggie.
Well, it came true, Muggie got more of the miracle-working blue pills that made him feel like a teenager again and hooked up with Fredricka, and the rest is history.
This was the funeral I was being dragged to. I didn't want to go. I knew no good was going to come out of it until I realised I might get a story for you. So off I went, Mam acting all sorrowful for her friend, but secretly thinking Muggie got his comeuppance.
We walked into the funeral home, and there at the front of the room was Muggie all laid out. The coffin was resting on one of those metal elevator-type devices, similar to the ones used for gurneys. I thought because of the wheels, they just wheeled Muggie in and out when it was viewing time, or as Mam referred to it, "Showtime." I tell ya the woman be something.
Everyone acted tearful and sympathetic until Fredricka darkened the doorway. Oh my goodness, R. Linda, the room actually hushed, and Fredricka cast a shadow from the light of the hallway behind her, which all she needed was a DA TADA DA, and the scene would have been complete. Suddenly, as if on cue, Fredricka let out a wail and, with open arms, ran to the open casket as we all in shock watched. Making sure she was the centre of attention, she said things that stunned everyone, but not the widow, who watched the scene as if she were watching a TV show, completely detached. Without any warning, Fredricka reached into the casket and started shaking Muggie to "wake up!"
Then, without any warning to Fredericka, the metal elevator thing collapsed from her weight, leaning into it and shaking Muggie. It was like in slow motion the casket, Muggie half in and half out, and Fredricka's skirt up to her panties, coming to a bounding rest with Fredricka partway in the broken casket with Muggie's arm around her.
Everyone was shocked still. No one moved, but I had the presence of mind to look at their faces, and they were trying not to laugh! Until Harriet let out a huge guffaw and well . . . you can imagine the chaos as people and funeral attendants ran to disentangle Fredricka from the corpse and the busted casket. So much Fredricka for making a scene!
Never in me life, R. Linda, have I been to a spectacle like that. I told Mam to reevaluate her friends because I was not accompanying her to any more funerals. I was done. Anyway, Mam assured me she was not friends with Fredricka but couldn't desert Harriet in her time of need. I don't think Harriet needs anything. Muggie left her well off, and she's on her way to tour Germany and Austria, so much for mourning. As for Fredricka, I hear her house is up for sale, and no one has seen her since the scandal she caused at Muggie's departure. I would expect Dragon Lady to have friends like this, but Mam? I don't know about the woman sometimes.
Gabe
Copyright © 2016 All rights reserved
