06 August 2011
439
R. Linda:
I made the mistake of getting up to check on O'Hare and left Dragon, Guido and Weasil together. When you hear those names in one tongue roll, you realise the terror all three together can cause. I checked quickly, the lower lip had receded and the boyo was playing in his room content. So I rushed out before all hell could break loose by me stupidly leaving them all together to hatch some craziness.
I needn't have worried, Weasil was out in the kitchen eating cupcakes (his fav) with Guido who was doing his Frankenstein way of communicating, which is pointing and making sounds like, "Ehhh." The Dragon was gone from the lounge and I quickly asked the Weas what he had done with her.
"Nuthin', I came in here wit da kidlet fer sum refreshment ta go wit me pot o' coffee." And as he said the last he took another gulp out of the pot. I dunno about him.
About five minutes later the Dragon appeared in the doorway with O'Hare, and as soon as she saw us with faces full of cupcakes, or as Weasil refers to them cuppycakes, she gave us a sermon on the rigours of sugar in small children. Now, this coming from the woman who had been feeding me two boyos gummy worms after breakfast and was the culprit who bought the cuppycakes and the poppycock. So really?
"We need to get out for a brisk walk and walk it all off." She said getting down the two kids' light jackets. As this announcement was made, the two boyos pipped up, O'Hare with "Da duz we hast ta?" and Guido with "Ughhh?" which she ignored and turned her attention to us with, "Come on now you two, you can't sit here eating sugary sweets and drinking . . . " she glanced at Weasil sipping from the coffeepot and shook her head not finishing, but I got it.
"Let's go, Mr. Coffee," I said to Weasil. He stopped sipping from the pot long enough to see if I was serious. I was, I knew if we didn't at least venture out, we'd be subject to non-stop verbiage from the mouth of the Dragon. Reluctantly Weas put down the pot and shrugged in acquiescence, but not before stuffing another cupcake down his piehole.
So out we went, and we walked in the direction where the road once was behind the house and up by Lois's property. I was hoping she wouldn't see us because she and Weasil are even more of a lethal mix than Weasil and Dragon. Luckily, she was elsewhere and I was thinking I dodged a bullet on that one. We let Dragon and the boyos head out in front of us as we drifted slower and slower until they were out of sight and then turned around and went back, but stopped near me neighbour's barnyard.
"She ainty gonner likie dis," Weasil said as we stopped, just yards from my abode.
"Oh probably not, but really? Let's stay here, we'll tell her she was doing too intensive a cardio workout for us two couch potatoes to keep up." I yawned and we stood by the pasture fence leaning on it like we were holding it up talking about "things" and paying no real mind to our surroundings when suddenly, we both looked at each other without saying a word. Like we were questioning something but we didn't know what. It was an uneasy feeling that took us over. Weasil was the first to turn around and he looked down, as he did I looked in the same direction to find WE were surrounded by baby turkeys and you know how much I have a fright of turkeys, big or little. The only thing missing was Mr. Kits laughing.
"Uh . . . wot be dese dey lookie like guinea hens," Weasil said, his brow furled in a state of perplexity.
"THOSE are baby turkeys," I said and just as I said that three, yes THREE huge momma turkeys came strutting out of the woods and when they saw us it was like HELLO! I knew we were in trouble and I whispered to Weasil not to move a muscle because those momma birds would attack us.
It was then that I saw Dragon and the boyos, she immediately saw the situation and hustled the two kidlets up to the house and inside quickly. She stood on the screened porch watching us.
"Big help she isn't," I muttered to Weasil. "She could get a broom and come at them, I know she knows how to fly one."
He started laughing which got the attention of the mother birds and they made themselves very tall and big and gobbled at us in a threatening way. They were looking right at us, actually, they had us backed up against that fence and we had no place to go. One started herding the wee birds around us towards the safety of the woods, but the other two were shocked still sizing our arses up.
"Nooo, nooo stop that, don't laugh," I whispered my eyes getting big because I knew what could happen. Bad things happen in threes they do, I had Dragon, then Weasil, and now those infernal pterodactyls.
"Maybe if we run fer it we'll outrun 'em," Weasil whispered, his body getting ready to shoot to the house.
"No! Trust me, we need to wait them out," I hissed.
"Den ovah da fencey," he said sizing it up.
"They're fast I tell ya, they'll have us by the seat of our pants before we make the top rail," I said softly. I started to call to Dragon to get in me car, start it up and drive over hoping the start of the engine would scare the turkeys.
"Oh no, you aren't getting me out of this house." She yelled back making the turkeys gobble louder at us. "Where's the cat Gabriel, I hope that poor thing isn't out there."
"Shhh," I hissed loudly at her and that was a mistake because the birds got louder and taller and started to stalk closer. "Figures she'd be more worried about that stupid cat than us."
"Oh boy ya dunnie it nowie," Weasil said tensing.
The one bird stretched its neck at me and made a swiping peck at me knees. OHHH too, too close for comfort and I smooshed meself as far back into the fence post as I could, wondering if we did jump it if we'd make it but no, I thought we wouldn't. Meanwhile, I was hearing this clicking from the house and wondering what it was. It was Dragon taking pictures with O'Hare's little kiddie camera. She was chronicling us looking like two big scared arses for posterity. Photos she could show EVERYONE.
"Why that . . ." I forgot meself as Weasil figured out what the sound was as well.
"Dun worry Gabbie, dere aint no filmie in it." He sighed relaxing which floored me he would find this a time to relax.
"How do you know there's no film?" I hissed angry now.
"Cuz da young laddie shewed it ta me an I saw it had no filmie." He said looking at his fingernails like no big deal, we are surrounded by turkeys, we are stuck out in the open with no place to go, so what? Yup.
"Well, that's a relief," I said half-heartedly. I was more concerned with his nonchalance and the turkeys gearing up for the big frontal assault.
With a suddenness, I didn't see coming and I'm sure he didn't either, both big birds came at us, but he sidestepped quick enough he was behind them and they were at ME! I will tell you if you didn't know it, those beaks HURT and not only the beaks but the talons on their big old turkey legs.
"Wot I do ta help?" Weasil shouted as he stood dancing away from one of the turkeys as the other pecked the crap out of my knees.
"I dunno but something and fast!" I shouted.
But before he could do anything the turkey that was sizing his arse up came at him and he ran for the horse trailer, lucky for him it was open and he be a fast bugger, he was in before the bird could give him a really good peck.
This had Dragon laughing, yes it did. She thought it was funny and even called the boyos to come watch. I was like are you serious? They are about to watch their father killed by a mess of turkeys! Ok one turkey but she was ferocious. I was kicking at her for all I was worth and she was one determined momma. And THIS brought the other one out of the woods that had guided the babies away. The third one was pecking at the trailer door with the Weasil safe inside.
Finally, I hear, "You boys stay inside, I'll be right back and whatever you do, do not unlatch that door."
Now, in me crazed mind, I was wondering if either Weasil or I was lucky enough to make it to the backdoor, neither one of us would gain access because Dragon had latched it. WONDERFUL. Meanwhile, there was a lull in the turkey attack. The two were bringing their wings up and back like fans and making a very low gobble sound as they stretched their necks towards me like mad geese do. They started to stalk towards me and then they would stop and then stalk again, like they were daring me to move me bleeding legs. I was frozen to the fence when I heard Weasil asking me where the other one went to. I looked carefully to see him in the window of the horse trailer. I did not see the bird. I told him I did not know where she went but the second bird near me was not that one.
"Maybe itz in da woodsies takin care of a da bablets." He said more to himself and then I heard the creaking of the trailer door opening and he was standing in the doorway looking out. No turkey. Well, no worries for him because that turkey showed up behind me. They freaking had me fenced in. I mean literally.
"Uh oh Gabbie," Weasil said seeing the same thing I was seeing. "Yer bout ta becum dead meatie."
I wanted to thank him for that observation. I'm being sarcastic, yes I am. This was not a laughing matter now, it was three against one and it was me being the one they were zeroing in on. And that for me, was a huge problem. Did I tell you I hate turkeys? Unless they are on a platter being served up then I hate them.
"Do something!" I said to Weasil out of the side of my mouth. He had got a manure rake from inside the trailer and was slowly advancing on the two turkeys in front of me and they knew he was coming, because they all three, got very loud. Meanwhile, I was wondering if Dragon had the presence of mind to call 911 because all I could see were the two boyos looking out the screen porch door at me. This was bloody horrible I tell ya.
"Okie Dokie Gabbie, now Iz gonner take on dissy one here and you needies to run fer da housi," Weas said getting closer as the gobbling got even louder in warning. They did not like that rake, no they didn't.
"BUT it's freaking locked, the old bat locked us out," I said again out of the side of me mouth trying not to move and give the turkeys cause to come at me.
"Rip it offn da hinges iffy ya hafta, da trailer be farther den dat porch an if I kin bat dese things aroundie it'll gives ya enuff timie ta git da door open." He said with all the conviction of a seasoned turkey battler and I believed him. It amazes me now I understood every word of computerese he threw in me direction. Goes to show how clear things, even Weasilese can be when one is under intense pressure to save oneself.
At his count, when he reached three, I tore off that fence, the one behind the fence flew over it after me arse as Weasil swiped at the other two who were enraged I got away. At the door where I yelled the boyos back and out of the way, I tried to rip the door open and IT FREAKING WOULDN'T MOVE! Meanwhile, that other turkey had caught up to me only it flew up on the porch roof because there was no place for it to land, especially since I was moving in a zigzag trying to pull the door off the hinges. Inside O'Hare was laughing, yes he thought I was funny and putting on a show! Guido though was not laughing, instead, he came forward dragging a milking stool that the wife uses as a step stool to get things out of the high cabinet, and he got on and UNLOCKED the door for his dear old Da! What a wonderful child! So much like his Da I tell ya.
Not a moment later in was Weasil as he threw the manure rake at one of the pursuing turkeys. It couldn't have been but a second he had his foot in the door before Mr. Kits came flying in from nowhere and the door slammed after him and we locked it as I picked up Guido and hugged the kid for all I was worth. Then we hear, "Kits where are you kitty kitty," and I put Guido down and looked at Weasil and said, "Is that coming from outside?"
He leaned around the side of the porch and then leaned back and said to me, "Why Gabriel, I do believe your mum-in-law is outside, by Jove!"
OH LET ME PAUSE HERE. I could have easily said, "Quick lock the front door," or "Quick warn her the turkeys hear her!" or I could have said nothing at all. Now I will leave it up to your learned self R. Linda, to guess which one it was. :-)
(So here are two pictures taken way after all the excitement was over and the babies reappeared with the three moms in attendance.)
R. Linda:
I made the mistake of getting up to check on O'Hare and left Dragon, Guido and Weasil together. When you hear those names in one tongue roll, you realise the terror all three together can cause. I checked quickly, the lower lip had receded and the boyo was playing in his room content. So I rushed out before all hell could break loose by me stupidly leaving them all together to hatch some craziness.
I needn't have worried, Weasil was out in the kitchen eating cupcakes (his fav) with Guido who was doing his Frankenstein way of communicating, which is pointing and making sounds like, "Ehhh." The Dragon was gone from the lounge and I quickly asked the Weas what he had done with her.
"Nuthin', I came in here wit da kidlet fer sum refreshment ta go wit me pot o' coffee." And as he said the last he took another gulp out of the pot. I dunno about him.
About five minutes later the Dragon appeared in the doorway with O'Hare, and as soon as she saw us with faces full of cupcakes, or as Weasil refers to them cuppycakes, she gave us a sermon on the rigours of sugar in small children. Now, this coming from the woman who had been feeding me two boyos gummy worms after breakfast and was the culprit who bought the cuppycakes and the poppycock. So really?
"We need to get out for a brisk walk and walk it all off." She said getting down the two kids' light jackets. As this announcement was made, the two boyos pipped up, O'Hare with "Da duz we hast ta?" and Guido with "Ughhh?" which she ignored and turned her attention to us with, "Come on now you two, you can't sit here eating sugary sweets and drinking . . . " she glanced at Weasil sipping from the coffeepot and shook her head not finishing, but I got it.
"Let's go, Mr. Coffee," I said to Weasil. He stopped sipping from the pot long enough to see if I was serious. I was, I knew if we didn't at least venture out, we'd be subject to non-stop verbiage from the mouth of the Dragon. Reluctantly Weas put down the pot and shrugged in acquiescence, but not before stuffing another cupcake down his piehole.
So out we went, and we walked in the direction where the road once was behind the house and up by Lois's property. I was hoping she wouldn't see us because she and Weasil are even more of a lethal mix than Weasil and Dragon. Luckily, she was elsewhere and I was thinking I dodged a bullet on that one. We let Dragon and the boyos head out in front of us as we drifted slower and slower until they were out of sight and then turned around and went back, but stopped near me neighbour's barnyard.
"She ainty gonner likie dis," Weasil said as we stopped, just yards from my abode.
"Oh probably not, but really? Let's stay here, we'll tell her she was doing too intensive a cardio workout for us two couch potatoes to keep up." I yawned and we stood by the pasture fence leaning on it like we were holding it up talking about "things" and paying no real mind to our surroundings when suddenly, we both looked at each other without saying a word. Like we were questioning something but we didn't know what. It was an uneasy feeling that took us over. Weasil was the first to turn around and he looked down, as he did I looked in the same direction to find WE were surrounded by baby turkeys and you know how much I have a fright of turkeys, big or little. The only thing missing was Mr. Kits laughing.
"Uh . . . wot be dese dey lookie like guinea hens," Weasil said, his brow furled in a state of perplexity.
"THOSE are baby turkeys," I said and just as I said that three, yes THREE huge momma turkeys came strutting out of the woods and when they saw us it was like HELLO! I knew we were in trouble and I whispered to Weasil not to move a muscle because those momma birds would attack us.
It was then that I saw Dragon and the boyos, she immediately saw the situation and hustled the two kidlets up to the house and inside quickly. She stood on the screened porch watching us.
"Big help she isn't," I muttered to Weasil. "She could get a broom and come at them, I know she knows how to fly one."
He started laughing which got the attention of the mother birds and they made themselves very tall and big and gobbled at us in a threatening way. They were looking right at us, actually, they had us backed up against that fence and we had no place to go. One started herding the wee birds around us towards the safety of the woods, but the other two were shocked still sizing our arses up.
"Nooo, nooo stop that, don't laugh," I whispered my eyes getting big because I knew what could happen. Bad things happen in threes they do, I had Dragon, then Weasil, and now those infernal pterodactyls.
"Maybe if we run fer it we'll outrun 'em," Weasil whispered, his body getting ready to shoot to the house.
"No! Trust me, we need to wait them out," I hissed.
"Den ovah da fencey," he said sizing it up.
"They're fast I tell ya, they'll have us by the seat of our pants before we make the top rail," I said softly. I started to call to Dragon to get in me car, start it up and drive over hoping the start of the engine would scare the turkeys.
"Oh no, you aren't getting me out of this house." She yelled back making the turkeys gobble louder at us. "Where's the cat Gabriel, I hope that poor thing isn't out there."
"Shhh," I hissed loudly at her and that was a mistake because the birds got louder and taller and started to stalk closer. "Figures she'd be more worried about that stupid cat than us."
"Oh boy ya dunnie it nowie," Weasil said tensing.
The one bird stretched its neck at me and made a swiping peck at me knees. OHHH too, too close for comfort and I smooshed meself as far back into the fence post as I could, wondering if we did jump it if we'd make it but no, I thought we wouldn't. Meanwhile, I was hearing this clicking from the house and wondering what it was. It was Dragon taking pictures with O'Hare's little kiddie camera. She was chronicling us looking like two big scared arses for posterity. Photos she could show EVERYONE.
"Why that . . ." I forgot meself as Weasil figured out what the sound was as well.
"Dun worry Gabbie, dere aint no filmie in it." He sighed relaxing which floored me he would find this a time to relax.
"How do you know there's no film?" I hissed angry now.
"Cuz da young laddie shewed it ta me an I saw it had no filmie." He said looking at his fingernails like no big deal, we are surrounded by turkeys, we are stuck out in the open with no place to go, so what? Yup.
"Well, that's a relief," I said half-heartedly. I was more concerned with his nonchalance and the turkeys gearing up for the big frontal assault.
With a suddenness, I didn't see coming and I'm sure he didn't either, both big birds came at us, but he sidestepped quick enough he was behind them and they were at ME! I will tell you if you didn't know it, those beaks HURT and not only the beaks but the talons on their big old turkey legs.
"Wot I do ta help?" Weasil shouted as he stood dancing away from one of the turkeys as the other pecked the crap out of my knees.
"I dunno but something and fast!" I shouted.
But before he could do anything the turkey that was sizing his arse up came at him and he ran for the horse trailer, lucky for him it was open and he be a fast bugger, he was in before the bird could give him a really good peck.
This had Dragon laughing, yes it did. She thought it was funny and even called the boyos to come watch. I was like are you serious? They are about to watch their father killed by a mess of turkeys! Ok one turkey but she was ferocious. I was kicking at her for all I was worth and she was one determined momma. And THIS brought the other one out of the woods that had guided the babies away. The third one was pecking at the trailer door with the Weasil safe inside.
Finally, I hear, "You boys stay inside, I'll be right back and whatever you do, do not unlatch that door."
Now, in me crazed mind, I was wondering if either Weasil or I was lucky enough to make it to the backdoor, neither one of us would gain access because Dragon had latched it. WONDERFUL. Meanwhile, there was a lull in the turkey attack. The two were bringing their wings up and back like fans and making a very low gobble sound as they stretched their necks towards me like mad geese do. They started to stalk towards me and then they would stop and then stalk again, like they were daring me to move me bleeding legs. I was frozen to the fence when I heard Weasil asking me where the other one went to. I looked carefully to see him in the window of the horse trailer. I did not see the bird. I told him I did not know where she went but the second bird near me was not that one.
"Maybe itz in da woodsies takin care of a da bablets." He said more to himself and then I heard the creaking of the trailer door opening and he was standing in the doorway looking out. No turkey. Well, no worries for him because that turkey showed up behind me. They freaking had me fenced in. I mean literally.
"Uh oh Gabbie," Weasil said seeing the same thing I was seeing. "Yer bout ta becum dead meatie."
I wanted to thank him for that observation. I'm being sarcastic, yes I am. This was not a laughing matter now, it was three against one and it was me being the one they were zeroing in on. And that for me, was a huge problem. Did I tell you I hate turkeys? Unless they are on a platter being served up then I hate them.
"Do something!" I said to Weasil out of the side of my mouth. He had got a manure rake from inside the trailer and was slowly advancing on the two turkeys in front of me and they knew he was coming, because they all three, got very loud. Meanwhile, I was wondering if Dragon had the presence of mind to call 911 because all I could see were the two boyos looking out the screen porch door at me. This was bloody horrible I tell ya.
"Okie Dokie Gabbie, now Iz gonner take on dissy one here and you needies to run fer da housi," Weas said getting closer as the gobbling got even louder in warning. They did not like that rake, no they didn't.
"BUT it's freaking locked, the old bat locked us out," I said again out of the side of me mouth trying not to move and give the turkeys cause to come at me.
"Rip it offn da hinges iffy ya hafta, da trailer be farther den dat porch an if I kin bat dese things aroundie it'll gives ya enuff timie ta git da door open." He said with all the conviction of a seasoned turkey battler and I believed him. It amazes me now I understood every word of computerese he threw in me direction. Goes to show how clear things, even Weasilese can be when one is under intense pressure to save oneself.
At his count, when he reached three, I tore off that fence, the one behind the fence flew over it after me arse as Weasil swiped at the other two who were enraged I got away. At the door where I yelled the boyos back and out of the way, I tried to rip the door open and IT FREAKING WOULDN'T MOVE! Meanwhile, that other turkey had caught up to me only it flew up on the porch roof because there was no place for it to land, especially since I was moving in a zigzag trying to pull the door off the hinges. Inside O'Hare was laughing, yes he thought I was funny and putting on a show! Guido though was not laughing, instead, he came forward dragging a milking stool that the wife uses as a step stool to get things out of the high cabinet, and he got on and UNLOCKED the door for his dear old Da! What a wonderful child! So much like his Da I tell ya.
Not a moment later in was Weasil as he threw the manure rake at one of the pursuing turkeys. It couldn't have been but a second he had his foot in the door before Mr. Kits came flying in from nowhere and the door slammed after him and we locked it as I picked up Guido and hugged the kid for all I was worth. Then we hear, "Kits where are you kitty kitty," and I put Guido down and looked at Weasil and said, "Is that coming from outside?"
He leaned around the side of the porch and then leaned back and said to me, "Why Gabriel, I do believe your mum-in-law is outside, by Jove!"
OH LET ME PAUSE HERE. I could have easily said, "Quick lock the front door," or "Quick warn her the turkeys hear her!" or I could have said nothing at all. Now I will leave it up to your learned self R. Linda, to guess which one it was. :-)
(So here are two pictures taken way after all the excitement was over and the babies reappeared with the three moms in attendance.)
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| Horse trailer where Weasil saved himself (Turkey babies and their Mams) |
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| Going back into the woods |
Gabe
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