Oh My God!

28 October 2010

318

R. Linda:

This morning, I found that me parents have brought for the wee kiddies, bows and arrows. You know the kind, that have the suction cups for arrowheads, they used to make them when I was a kid, so to know they still do, was quite the surprise it was. Well, the boyos were enamoured of these nifty little items and were whooping it up before yours truly had even one cup of joe in him. I was about ready to shout me fool head off at them, but instead, I quietly sipped and kept me gob shut because the Dragon was way more upset about this than I was. And you know if the Dragon be upset, it be show time!

She sat there mumbling, "They are too young for such things."

Well, the smallest one was having trouble fitting the wood slit of the arrow into the string of the bow, so me sainted father was trying to show a 1 1/2-year-old how to do this. Not an easy feat, let me tell you. Not for the child but for me old Da. He has arthritis in his hands and his fingers lock so it was painful to watch, but somehow horribly fascinating at the same time! It took me Da several tries of his own to master the thing since it had been years since he had ever had to thread an arrow, or whatever the term be. So he had several failed attempts at shooting it until he got the hang and well Bob's your uncle he could get the arrow across the room instead of dropping it at his feet. 

I sat saying nothing, but I covertly glanced at the seething Dragon on the other side of the table. I was waiting for the explosion, but instead, the steam was steadily coming out of her ears as she tried to sip her coffee and keep her tongue from lashing the old man in front of her wonderful grandkids. Finally, as I knew it would, this foolishness got the best of her and she made a remark about grown men acting like children, but lucky for her, me father did not hear her for the noise the boyos were making. Both boys took off as if on paint ponies galloping into the lounge thanks to Tonya ordering them and the weapons out of the kitchen until we had finished in there. The littlest Indian left his bow and arrows with me Da for the simple reason, it was more fun to chase off after his older brother. 

Mam sat down to join in the coffee sipping and she said to me Da, "You will send us all to early graves by encouraging the wee ones like that. The toys could have waited until later."

"Ah and fer sure they are havin' a good time of it yeah? So wot's the trubble with lettin' em' have their fun?"

"It be early and we are tryin' to wake up," says she. "Really, you will be the death of me."

"I don't think so, be the other way round," he said, then he looked at me, and said, "Gabe, your ma will outlive me for sure."

I was like what? I even said it was too early for that kind of talk and anyway, nothing was going to happen to him.

"Well . . . " he began slowly, "I left a letter that should anything happen the police should open it because me demise will be all your ma's fault." 

Everyone chuckled, except me Mam. Now this conversation was inappropriate to be discussed so early in the morning, and in front of the Dragon in particular, and I for one, was trying desperately to drive the cobwebs from me brain to derail it from going any further than it had. But too late, he picks up the left bow and arrow, threads the bowstring in the arrow slot and says, "And, you can bury me where this arrow lands," he squints and  Mam jumps up to open the door. 

While he was taking aim, I thought to meself, this cannot be happening, the two of them are nutters and here is Tonya looking all questioning at the bow and arrow, the Dragon leaning back out of the way of the door, so as not to get hit, and me Mam gesturing at the open door for me ridiculous old Da to go ahead and shoot. He let fly and it did not reach the door, no instead, it hit the second shelf just above Dragon's head and with a boinnggg sound we all turned and watched the shaft vibrate from the impact, but it stayed suctioned to the shelf.

"There ye be. Gabe, you are to put me dead self on the second shelf in your kitchen. Fate wills it." He puts the bow down and picks up his coffee and winks at me.

"Put his ashes in a coffee can Gabriel, he loves coffee he can spend eternity smelling the stuff," Mam volunteers.

Oh yeah, that's what I wanna do, when he passes I want to put him up there in a coffee can on the second shelf of me kitchen. We know what would happen if I did such a thing, knowing how groggy I be first thing, I'd make him up as me morning coffee and drink him! Are these people crazy or what? Worse, how is it I be related to them?

But it gets worse it does! After that pleasant beginning, our babysitter appeared to watch the two young hellions while we took the "folks" to Parker's Maple Barn for breakfast. Don't worry the sitter was making the children breakfast at home, it is not fun to take them to Parker's because there is usually a long queue to get in, and with two hungry children, it can be hell on earth. 

So as we are all in one car, I drive past this huge pumpkin patch filled with orange orbs, and this prompts me Da to exclaim over the amount of pumpkins and so much for the pumpkin shortage I had told him of, as if I were a liar. Well, there was a shortage predicted, but it turned out not to happen. What can I say? I report the news I don't make it. Anyway, me sainted Mam says, "That's good because I want to make me pumpkin pies for your Thanksgiving dinner and I'd rather the canned pumpkin than buy one of those and have to skin, chop, cook, and puree one."

The Dragon piped up, "Well, you would have to make sure you had the right kind of pumpkin, THOSE are carving pumpkins."

"A pumpkin is a pumpkin," says me Mam.

"No, there is the kind you carve, the kind you use for pie, and the squash kind."

"A pumpkin IS a squash," Mam points out to Dragon.

"Well, of course, it is, but there are sugar pumpkins, carving pumpkins . . ." Dragon insists.

"I pick a pumpkin, scoop the slop and seeds out, oh and I roast the seeds and salt them, Gabriel loves pumpkin seeds, and then I chop the whole of it up, and cook it until it be easy to mash."

The Dragon heaved a great sigh, and started again on the type of pumpkin, "You can't just use any pumpkin for pie!"

"Well, I do!" 

"Oh for God's sake call the pumpkin police!" Me Da chimes in. "It doesn't matter does it really? A pumpkin is a pumpkin."

"Of course, it matters!" Fumed the Dragon, "You wouldn't use Rome apples for eating, you'd use THEM for pie and Granny Smith for eating!"

"Oh, Granny Smith's are good for pies, I made one for Gabriel and Tonya the last time I was here." Mam countered.

I looked at Tonya and in a low voice so only she could hear, I said, "Think of something. We have got to stop this."

But no matter what Tonya said, and she did try to take both sides, it got hot in the backseat. I was thinking to meself and I be sure Ton was thinking to herself as well, how were we going to survive our relatives for the next five days!

Gabe
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