18 December 2021
1053
R. Linda:
I don't know what is wrong with some people. We have friends in the old neighbourhood we see occasionally. They have no children and live with his parents. The father has COPD and the mother has advanced Parkinson's to the extent she should be in a care facility, but the father won't hear of it. She be on no medication to calm her or anything to help her. It isn't polite to ask this couple why that is, but it is what it is.
We were invited to a Christmas party last night at their home. They have an attached barn they use as a large room for entertaining. It has no heat but a wood stove which serves them pretty well. They decorated the room with holly boughs, lights, ornaments, candles . . . you get the picture, very Christmas season and magical.
Tonya and I gave a platter of homemade cookies to our hostess. Our host introduced us to a few people we didn't know, but we knew practically everyone else. I had met his father when I lived in that vicinity and nodded a hello to him as we were ushered over to the food table for drinks.
Tonya got whisked away by an old friend and I was standing by the eggnog for a moment by meself when this rather jolly white-haired woman dressed in a blue dress, bounced up to the eggnog and smiled at me conspiratorially. She was eyeing an open bottle of bourbon as I was ladling a glass of nog. Looking around to make sure no one was looking she dumped the entire bottle in the eggnog and went away. I stood there in shock. I too, left the scene because one taste of that holiday drink, and my close proximity, well I didn't want anyone to think I did that. You know the old stereotype about Irish and the drink!
I took myself to the other side of the room and watched new arrivals ladle the eggnog and then take a sip. Their eyes literally crossed and their eyebrows flew up to their hairline but they smiled and no one said anything. Some put the full glasses down and left them. I was amused.
I started to mingle and was having a good time when I found myself at the groaning board and some guests were getting food, so you know me, I joined in. As I was perusing the offerings, the same white-haired woman came up and got herself a plate and was standing next to me. She took the serving spoon to the macaroni salad and instead of heaping her plate she heaped mine with almost all the salad! I tried to tell her to stop I didn't want all that macaroni, but she just grinned and kept on heaping me plate. I didn't know what to do, and I did get a wee bit irritable and told her to please stop NOW. I took a plastic fork and as covertly as I could, dumped most of the salad back in the bowl. I was very embarrassed and was sure someone saw me, but I moved back out from the table and went to the other side. As I settled in, away from the woman, she came down her side of the table to be directly across from me. I had gotten a bulky roll, slathered it with mustard, and was putting honey ham on the roll. She grabbed with her hand a load of Swiss cheese and leaning across the table piled the cheese on top of the ham. I said, "No, no, no!" And stepped back. Some man had joined me as this happened and I looked at him helplessly.
"Well, it's on your plate you can't very well put it back." Said he looking at my dilemma.
"I haven't touched anything on the plate," I said.
"Ok, no one is looking just put it back, but she had her hands all over that cheese."
I got it, there was no way I could put the cheese back. She, for her part, had disappeared.
I went to the trash and lifted off most of the slabs of Swiss and threw them in the bin. However, my hostess saw this and came rushing over thinking me a right moron I be sure.
"WHAT are you doing?" She demanded.
My face must have been Christmas ribbon red, and I stammered and didn't know exactly how to explain my actions, which made me look stupid.
Tonya must have been watching this last and came over to find out what was wrong and our hostess hissed the explanation of why she was upset with me. I just shook me head like an idiot because I really thought no one would believe the truth.
"Don't do that again." Our hostess said and off she huffed.
"Well, the nerve!" Tonya whispered to me watching our hostess walking away. "Behave yourself, I don't know what's got into you UNLESS it's that over-spiked eggnog. Have you had a glass of that? It is way too strong, knock you off your feet it will. I don't know what these people were thinking."
And off she went. I turned toward the table and my table-mate was standing there watching the entire episode. He shook his head like he was indicating I could have been more forthcoming. I shrugged and went back to the table.
Let's see I had plenty and I mean plenty of macaroni salad, ham and cheese sannie, eggnog, and well there were plenty of other delicacies, but I had enough with the cheese slam by the elder so I decided to go find a chair and try to enjoy me plate of food.
I had taken a few bites of me sannie when the white-haired woman sat down next to me. Instantly, me stomach did flip-flops, and my mouth was full, I couldn't say a word. Mesmerised like I was watching a snake, I saw her hand take me half-eaten sannie and she took a bite and put it back. Then she stuck a finger in the macaroni salad and took a taste! I didn't know if I should cry or laugh, but she got up and left!
I mumbled "WTF?" through me full mouthful and well, that was it for me. I took my paper holiday plate still piled with food, and dumped it all in the trash and who saw me? Yes, you guessed it me hostess who came over to the bin like a bat out of hell to confront me for dumping more food. I had no Tonya this time to save me and I started to stammer when she turned on her heel with an "I don't want to hear any excuses," and left me empty-handed standing next to the bin.
She went to where her husband was talking to another gentleman, and pointing at me with vicious gesticulations complained.
I didn't know my hostess as well as her husband, so I was in a state of high embarrassment. I couldn't for the life of me get me brain to work, so amazed (and not in a good way) about the food situation was I. I decided to sit down in a dark corner by myself as I wanted no company. Yes, I was in a dark mood. But then I decided a heavily spiked refill of eggnog might be what I needed. I went to the punchbowl, ladled some in my empty cup, and went back to me dark corner where I watched everyone having a wonderful time, everyone that is except yours truly.
I saw Tonya's cookie platter and was thinking I should get a few cookies because if I drank that eggnog by itself I'd be drunk as drunk can be. I had taken a sip and it nearly knocked me socks off. While I was trying to decide if I should swallow or spit the stuff back in the cup, I sort of noticed a blur of a blue dress and someone sitting next to me. I couldn't spit the drink out so I swallowed and was thrown for a loop, and if that wasn't bad enough the entire platter of cookies was placed on my lap and the woman in blue disappeared leaving me looking like a sputtering Cookie Monster.
No sooner had I put the punch glass down to keep the cookie tray from falling off my lap, and at the same time choking on the strong alcohol, there was me hostess standing in front of me, hands on hips, looking very un-jolly indeed.
"What now? You going to eat that entire platter or dump it in the trash?" She demanded.
I could feel the heat rising in me face. I knew it looked like I was stealing back me own cookies or worse going to dispose of them. Oi! It was then the man who had witnessed all the old woman's indiscretions came over and eloquently explained the mother-in-law's setting me up . . . unintentionally that is. The poor old thing had no clue what she was doing.
I had never seen the host's mother before, so I did not know who she was, and if I had, I might have realised what her deal was. All was forgiven after that and I did have a decent time of it, but I was constantly on the lookout for the blue dress.
At the end of our time there, we thanked our host and hostess and were leaving when I heard someone calling "Frederick!" Tonya and I turned around to see the blue dress and white hair flying out the door with a plaid scarf. She ran up to me and because I am tall and she was short, threw the scarf around my neck.
"There Frederick." And she turned and left us, me with a blue and yellow plaid wool scarf that obviously belonged to someone else or someone named Frederick.
"You go warm up the car and I'll return this," I said to Tonya.
I got back inside and the old lady came up to me and said, "WHO ARE YOU? Why are you wearing Frederick's scarf?" Then she turned around to all still assembled and shouted while pointing at me, "Thief! He is taking Freddie's scarf!"
Oh boy. I turned reddish purple by that time with everyone dropping their conversation and looking at me.
The fellow who had helped me out came up, unwrapped the scarf from my neck, and smiled. He put out his hand and said, "I'm Frederick and I know you didn't take my scarf. Merry Christmas."
Obviously, it was one hell of a night for yours truly, one I won't forget anytime soon.
Gabe
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