6 January 2009
249
R. Linda:
The New Year's Eve snowstorm the weatherman promised did not materialise, but it got extremely cold to where the snow already on the ground had iced up something terrible. Tonya and I were invited to me old neighbours in the big house down the shared driveway. Because Tonya had offered to bring a few dishes to the party, I knew neither of us could walk down to the big house without falling on the ice. So, I loaded up the car and we drove down, but there was no parking near the house. I drove near to the door as I could get, helped Tonya out and brought her dishes in afterwards. I went back to park the car almost killing meself on the ice. I had to pull out of the driveway and down the street, where I turned around and then up the drive. Well, I was the last car in line on the incline. Luckily, I was able to pull meself up the driveway and to the house by holding onto the car door handles as I made me slip-slidey way up.
Once inside I noticed it was generally crowded with people I knew from the neighbourhood and those I did not know who greeted me like I did know them, which confused me it did, but knew I didn't and this without a drink in me! Everyone was having a good time and the bubbly was flowing and food was laden on the tabletops. I knew after me previous night's episode with the eggnog, not to imbibe at all for fear Tonya would get in another mood, but I noticed she was plenty busy so I took an offered glass of the bubbly and began to peruse the tables of food.
Something else I noticed was the alert that would sound a beep beep every time someone drove up the driveway. By now the parking was doubled, and one could no longer get down the driveway from the top. Just before midnight, there be a Yankee Swap (which be a regular feature of me neighbour's New Year's Eve parties). We had brought a Monty Python angry rabbit and a book on How to Survive the Zombie Invasion. Well, the swap was full of laughs and oddities and generally we all ended up with something bizarre. I went home with a doormat that said, YOU ARE HERE. I would to meet the great mind that dreamed that up.
But before the end of the evening and a general discussion on Dick Clark there was a beep, beep and all conversation stopped.
"Harold, are you expecting someone?" Harold's wife Abby asked.
"No, I think everyone is here," Harold replied.
A few people had gone to the window and one of me neighbours turned round and said, "Gabe, I think your car just left without you."
Sure enough me car was in the middle of the road below and another car was stopped next to it. I was appalled at the thought it might have rolled down and hit an oncoming vehicle. Like a deer running from hounds, I bounded out of the house completely forgetting the ice and found meself in a self-styled luge position plummeting down the driveway at an alarming speed. I couldn't stop and I could hear shouts of me name coming from the house but I couldn't answer so was me fright of hitting the stopped vehicle next to me own mobile. And I did, I slid right into the driver's door.
I lay there stunned for a few minutes until I realised what I was looking at was a police car. That very bright car torch that is an affixed light above the rear view outside mirror blasted me countenance with light nearly blinding yours truly in the process. Once me eyes adjusted to the brightness, I looked at the officer who was staring down at me like I was fish bait and he was a shark.
"You, the breaker and enterer." The familiar voice said down at me.
Why it was, yes it was, it was Officer Mercer of the Law. I blinked up with total embarrassment. Yet again we met under not-so-good circumstances.
"Are you now a self-professed suicide?" He sneered. Then he turned to his fellow officer and began to regale him with me behaviour at the DIY and how I had locked me keys in me car a second time. Talk about wanting to slide right in under his car and hide, well, that was what I wished for most. Roadkill was better than being alive and sane enough to listen to what someone, a law enforcement officer of all people, thought of you.
The door opened and he stepped over me.
"Car looks familiar doesn't it Gabriel? Looks like the one you and Mr. Davis were trying to break into. But it just could not be could it Gabe old buddy? Not only do you practice luge on slippery driveways, but your car seems to too." Then he laughed and as he did, he flipped open his ticket book and got his pen out.
Someone from the party had come up and was trying to pick me up and as I was manhandled on the ice I noticed I had quite a party meself of onlookers, that was before me and me saviour fell and hit the ice. This only got us a cursory glance from Officer Mercer of the Law. He shook his head like the clown act was in town and he had better things to do, like write a ticket.
About this time me old neighbour made it down and he seemed to know the officer because he was on a first-name basis with him.
"Now Percy, hold on thar, the car was on the incline and it rolled by its own volition."
"Hi Harold, well that I understand but, tsk, sliding down a dark driveway into the street is reckless and disorderly conduct. Especially when he slid into my vehicle and, tsk, look at the dent he left."
PERCY? That was all I could comprehend. PERCY, the flipping copper was named PERCY!
I don't remember much after that because someone remarked the midnight hour was almost upon us and wouldn't PERCY and Fred (the other officer) like to come up for the New Year, no bubbly they understood the officers were on duty, but there were some sparkling wine for those who didn't drink. Well, this was just wonderful, Percy and Fred were delighted and they put a few flares up and left me car and theirs in the middle of the road, but not before Persy slid a ticket under me windscreen wiper, and with the crowd, made their way like rock stars to the party. Meanwhile, I realised me saviour was none other than me flasher neighbour Lois Ogden. Oh for glory's sake, why her? I somehow got up unassisted, there was no one there to assist me anyway, and I tried to get her up, she almost made it before she slid backwards taking me with her. This scenario happened two more times before I realised me wife was standing at the gate watching us.
Lois was giggling her arse off and I was desperately trying to get me arse inside, so me wife wouldn't be left alone for that New Year's Eve kiss. But I didn't have to worry about that, she was right there watching. I know what it looked like, it looked like I was all about Lois because I was all over her. Well, I was, I couldn't stop falling on the fecking ice and I landed on her half a dozen times.
"Tonya!" I said, "Don't just stand there HELP."
"Help you how? You are doing just fine on your own Gabe," said she as she turned and made steady progress back to the house, leaving me with the giggling Lois.
"I know, I'll get a hold of that post up thar Gabe, and you get a hold of my leg and inch your way up. As soon as you get passed me, get a hold of that sapling and I'll inch my way up and we'll just do that all the way up to the house," Lois suggested all eager to get a start. Stunned at this idea, and repulsed at the same time, I said, "Nah, let's just fend for ourselves, shall we?"
"Okay," she said, "the last one up is a rotten egg."
With that she began crawling up the driveway leaving me where I was lying next to the police car, an unwanted view of her pantiless self inching up the ice. I squeezed me eyes shut hoping to be struck blind. I started laughing so hard I was crying I couldn't help meself, it was totally ridiculous, all of it. Me wife was pissed off AGAIN and the flasher had managed to flash me at midnight on New Year's Eve, as I lay on the ice, in the street, between me renegade car and the police vehicle, and flares all around and a ticket on me windscreen. It doesn't get any worse than that. Happy New Year Gabe! Rightho!
Gabe
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
The New Year's Eve snowstorm the weatherman promised did not materialise, but it got extremely cold to where the snow already on the ground had iced up something terrible. Tonya and I were invited to me old neighbours in the big house down the shared driveway. Because Tonya had offered to bring a few dishes to the party, I knew neither of us could walk down to the big house without falling on the ice. So, I loaded up the car and we drove down, but there was no parking near the house. I drove near to the door as I could get, helped Tonya out and brought her dishes in afterwards. I went back to park the car almost killing meself on the ice. I had to pull out of the driveway and down the street, where I turned around and then up the drive. Well, I was the last car in line on the incline. Luckily, I was able to pull meself up the driveway and to the house by holding onto the car door handles as I made me slip-slidey way up.
Once inside I noticed it was generally crowded with people I knew from the neighbourhood and those I did not know who greeted me like I did know them, which confused me it did, but knew I didn't and this without a drink in me! Everyone was having a good time and the bubbly was flowing and food was laden on the tabletops. I knew after me previous night's episode with the eggnog, not to imbibe at all for fear Tonya would get in another mood, but I noticed she was plenty busy so I took an offered glass of the bubbly and began to peruse the tables of food.
Something else I noticed was the alert that would sound a beep beep every time someone drove up the driveway. By now the parking was doubled, and one could no longer get down the driveway from the top. Just before midnight, there be a Yankee Swap (which be a regular feature of me neighbour's New Year's Eve parties). We had brought a Monty Python angry rabbit and a book on How to Survive the Zombie Invasion. Well, the swap was full of laughs and oddities and generally we all ended up with something bizarre. I went home with a doormat that said, YOU ARE HERE. I would to meet the great mind that dreamed that up.
But before the end of the evening and a general discussion on Dick Clark there was a beep, beep and all conversation stopped.
"Harold, are you expecting someone?" Harold's wife Abby asked.
"No, I think everyone is here," Harold replied.
A few people had gone to the window and one of me neighbours turned round and said, "Gabe, I think your car just left without you."
Sure enough me car was in the middle of the road below and another car was stopped next to it. I was appalled at the thought it might have rolled down and hit an oncoming vehicle. Like a deer running from hounds, I bounded out of the house completely forgetting the ice and found meself in a self-styled luge position plummeting down the driveway at an alarming speed. I couldn't stop and I could hear shouts of me name coming from the house but I couldn't answer so was me fright of hitting the stopped vehicle next to me own mobile. And I did, I slid right into the driver's door.
I lay there stunned for a few minutes until I realised what I was looking at was a police car. That very bright car torch that is an affixed light above the rear view outside mirror blasted me countenance with light nearly blinding yours truly in the process. Once me eyes adjusted to the brightness, I looked at the officer who was staring down at me like I was fish bait and he was a shark.
"You, the breaker and enterer." The familiar voice said down at me.
Why it was, yes it was, it was Officer Mercer of the Law. I blinked up with total embarrassment. Yet again we met under not-so-good circumstances.
"Are you now a self-professed suicide?" He sneered. Then he turned to his fellow officer and began to regale him with me behaviour at the DIY and how I had locked me keys in me car a second time. Talk about wanting to slide right in under his car and hide, well, that was what I wished for most. Roadkill was better than being alive and sane enough to listen to what someone, a law enforcement officer of all people, thought of you.
The door opened and he stepped over me.
"Car looks familiar doesn't it Gabriel? Looks like the one you and Mr. Davis were trying to break into. But it just could not be could it Gabe old buddy? Not only do you practice luge on slippery driveways, but your car seems to too." Then he laughed and as he did, he flipped open his ticket book and got his pen out.
Someone from the party had come up and was trying to pick me up and as I was manhandled on the ice I noticed I had quite a party meself of onlookers, that was before me and me saviour fell and hit the ice. This only got us a cursory glance from Officer Mercer of the Law. He shook his head like the clown act was in town and he had better things to do, like write a ticket.
About this time me old neighbour made it down and he seemed to know the officer because he was on a first-name basis with him.
"Now Percy, hold on thar, the car was on the incline and it rolled by its own volition."
"Hi Harold, well that I understand but, tsk, sliding down a dark driveway into the street is reckless and disorderly conduct. Especially when he slid into my vehicle and, tsk, look at the dent he left."
PERCY? That was all I could comprehend. PERCY, the flipping copper was named PERCY!
I don't remember much after that because someone remarked the midnight hour was almost upon us and wouldn't PERCY and Fred (the other officer) like to come up for the New Year, no bubbly they understood the officers were on duty, but there were some sparkling wine for those who didn't drink. Well, this was just wonderful, Percy and Fred were delighted and they put a few flares up and left me car and theirs in the middle of the road, but not before Persy slid a ticket under me windscreen wiper, and with the crowd, made their way like rock stars to the party. Meanwhile, I realised me saviour was none other than me flasher neighbour Lois Ogden. Oh for glory's sake, why her? I somehow got up unassisted, there was no one there to assist me anyway, and I tried to get her up, she almost made it before she slid backwards taking me with her. This scenario happened two more times before I realised me wife was standing at the gate watching us.
Lois was giggling her arse off and I was desperately trying to get me arse inside, so me wife wouldn't be left alone for that New Year's Eve kiss. But I didn't have to worry about that, she was right there watching. I know what it looked like, it looked like I was all about Lois because I was all over her. Well, I was, I couldn't stop falling on the fecking ice and I landed on her half a dozen times.
"Tonya!" I said, "Don't just stand there HELP."
"Help you how? You are doing just fine on your own Gabe," said she as she turned and made steady progress back to the house, leaving me with the giggling Lois.
"I know, I'll get a hold of that post up thar Gabe, and you get a hold of my leg and inch your way up. As soon as you get passed me, get a hold of that sapling and I'll inch my way up and we'll just do that all the way up to the house," Lois suggested all eager to get a start. Stunned at this idea, and repulsed at the same time, I said, "Nah, let's just fend for ourselves, shall we?"
"Okay," she said, "the last one up is a rotten egg."
With that she began crawling up the driveway leaving me where I was lying next to the police car, an unwanted view of her pantiless self inching up the ice. I squeezed me eyes shut hoping to be struck blind. I started laughing so hard I was crying I couldn't help meself, it was totally ridiculous, all of it. Me wife was pissed off AGAIN and the flasher had managed to flash me at midnight on New Year's Eve, as I lay on the ice, in the street, between me renegade car and the police vehicle, and flares all around and a ticket on me windscreen. It doesn't get any worse than that. Happy New Year Gabe! Rightho!
Gabe
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
