24 April 2019
948
R. Linda:
I be rather perplexed with everything of late. It seems the world has turned upside down and things be crazier than ever.
It started with me cousin Sean, who is to be returning to the old sod, BUT he came up with a harebrained idea that will keep him here. Yes, he did and the idea was sprung on us Easter Sunday when the kiddos were filled with egg hunt anticipation, too much chocolate (thanks Mam), and with all the childish energy of spring and warm weather. Well, they were off the walls they were, all three of them. In the midst of the trio out on the front lawn vying for egg filled treats, Sean stands up in front of us and announces, "I be getting married next week."
There was stunned silence, then me sainted Mam started giggling because she thought it was a joke. Oh if only! I said, "WHAT?" Tonya blurted out, "TO WHO?" and finally me Mam watching Sean's face realised, no, no joke here and she muttered (not sure), "Who'd have ye?"
Who indeed? Well, I'll tell you who. The local yokel who he has befriended as a drinking partner -- that's who! She's six years older than him, had one of those teen aged marriages that ended two months after the fact and has been banging around (excuse the expression) for years as one of the guys at the local drinking establishment a town over. Yup, she's got mousy brown hair with silver threads which make her look even more mousy, she's a hefty woman (and that be me being kind), she's loud (has no clue what the word whisper means), dresses like a female lumberjack, and always, and I mean always has a "cold one" in her hand. Yup.
I be not intentionally mean but this be too much for simple me and I be put over the edge with this news. I would still be outside staring at the pond contemplating drowning meself if me wife didn't near physically move me inside the house when I shouted at Sean, "OVER ME DEAD BODY!"
THAT bit of exuberance on me part curtailed the exuberance on the kiddos pushing and shoving each other over eggs, and they stopped in their tracks to look up at the house to where the threat came from. That's when me Mam, shooed them back to what they had been doing and Tonya escorted me inside where I near had a hissy fit.
The miscreant still stood outside, bottle of Guinness in hand (at 9 a.m. I might add, THAT be what SHE started in him, the early morning beer -- I TELL YA!), while me Mam tried in vain to talk sense into the man.
I was distraught, I had been gearing meself up with happy dances at his leaving, and now, he had found a possible way to stay HERE. And when I told YOU, you reinforced the glaring truth, you said, "OH HELL NO! in your town? Will they both live in your yard? Happy Easter to you too if you can!"
No, truer words me muse, because that's the plan, the dastardly plan he and she have, of living in that god-forsaken camper in me driveway!
He must of felt guilty somehow, and spent the afternoon finishing the bike shed he built for the kiddos after eight months of doing nothing but erected a skeleton shed, no floor, no roof, no walls, no nothing until Easter Sunday, FINISHED! I thought for certain, I'd be the one building that thing when he left, so he must KNOW he's doing wrong to actually put intensive labour into actually wielding tools and wood and completing said bike shed. That's the only good thing has come out of this news!
Forget gray hairs, I have gone the way of pulling every strand out of me head to the fact I needed to shave me head for the patches of baldness where I ripped me hair out. I'd do it with every kitchen table conversation I had with him that day until, me Mam came in and told us to move it because she needed to get Easter dinner going (not to mention sweep up great clumps of hair on the floor), and then looking at me head with a very strange expression on her face, pointing to me and then the hallway mirror. I got it, I finally took meself to the mirror and WOWEY WOW WOW! I almost trampled me wife in me distress but she picked up UNFORTUNATELY the first bill hat she found and it was Sean's MAGA hat! I was so upset I can't tell ya.
I did not realise what hat it was because I avoided the mirror like the plague, trying to figure out what to do because Monday I had to be in Boston at work! I wore the damn thing most all day to the snickers of the small fry who I ignored because I was too preoccupied to ask them WHAT?
So the third bad thing that happened after the in your face marriage announcement, followed by me pulling me hair out, and unwittingly wearing a piece of garage on me head, was an extra place had been prepared at table and guess for WHO? Oh yeah, I had only counted we were off by one extra setting when I was about to say something to me Mam, when I hear the booming and I mean BOOMING voice of . . . are you ready for the name? VIOLET! Vi to her family, Violet! No shrinking Violet be this violet. BUT she doesn't go by her first name, no, no, she goes by her middle name, Mo. For effect here be the entire name, Violet Mo Lester. The Mo was for Moreen but here parents couldn't spell it thus, MO. Of course, me Mam heard the name for what she did and ran with it, referring to Violet not as Vi or Violet but the molester woman at the end of the table. Yup she did.
It was, "Ms. Molester, would like a bit of carrot in sweet mint?" and "Ooh Ms. Molester you need try dis 'ere platter of turkey," and "Ms. Molester could ye poss da tatties?" Of which Ms. Molester had no idea what tatties were. Ugh!
I was and still am beside meself. At this rate I may end up shooting meself to put an end to me misery, or even better, chucking it all and boarding a plane for Denver and moving in with you. But then you'd take pleasure in driving me crazier than I already be. But then I think I'd miss the kiddos and they (I'd hope) would miss me. So here I sit babbling and drooling over meself and desk just getting nutter and nutter with every passing hour.
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
948
R. Linda:
I be rather perplexed with everything of late. It seems the world has turned upside down and things be crazier than ever.
It started with me cousin Sean, who is to be returning to the old sod, BUT he came up with a harebrained idea that will keep him here. Yes, he did and the idea was sprung on us Easter Sunday when the kiddos were filled with egg hunt anticipation, too much chocolate (thanks Mam), and with all the childish energy of spring and warm weather. Well, they were off the walls they were, all three of them. In the midst of the trio out on the front lawn vying for egg filled treats, Sean stands up in front of us and announces, "I be getting married next week."
There was stunned silence, then me sainted Mam started giggling because she thought it was a joke. Oh if only! I said, "WHAT?" Tonya blurted out, "TO WHO?" and finally me Mam watching Sean's face realised, no, no joke here and she muttered (not sure), "Who'd have ye?"
Who indeed? Well, I'll tell you who. The local yokel who he has befriended as a drinking partner -- that's who! She's six years older than him, had one of those teen aged marriages that ended two months after the fact and has been banging around (excuse the expression) for years as one of the guys at the local drinking establishment a town over. Yup, she's got mousy brown hair with silver threads which make her look even more mousy, she's a hefty woman (and that be me being kind), she's loud (has no clue what the word whisper means), dresses like a female lumberjack, and always, and I mean always has a "cold one" in her hand. Yup.
I be not intentionally mean but this be too much for simple me and I be put over the edge with this news. I would still be outside staring at the pond contemplating drowning meself if me wife didn't near physically move me inside the house when I shouted at Sean, "OVER ME DEAD BODY!"
THAT bit of exuberance on me part curtailed the exuberance on the kiddos pushing and shoving each other over eggs, and they stopped in their tracks to look up at the house to where the threat came from. That's when me Mam, shooed them back to what they had been doing and Tonya escorted me inside where I near had a hissy fit.
The miscreant still stood outside, bottle of Guinness in hand (at 9 a.m. I might add, THAT be what SHE started in him, the early morning beer -- I TELL YA!), while me Mam tried in vain to talk sense into the man.
I was distraught, I had been gearing meself up with happy dances at his leaving, and now, he had found a possible way to stay HERE. And when I told YOU, you reinforced the glaring truth, you said, "OH HELL NO! in your town? Will they both live in your yard? Happy Easter to you too if you can!"
No, truer words me muse, because that's the plan, the dastardly plan he and she have, of living in that god-forsaken camper in me driveway!
He must of felt guilty somehow, and spent the afternoon finishing the bike shed he built for the kiddos after eight months of doing nothing but erected a skeleton shed, no floor, no roof, no walls, no nothing until Easter Sunday, FINISHED! I thought for certain, I'd be the one building that thing when he left, so he must KNOW he's doing wrong to actually put intensive labour into actually wielding tools and wood and completing said bike shed. That's the only good thing has come out of this news!
Forget gray hairs, I have gone the way of pulling every strand out of me head to the fact I needed to shave me head for the patches of baldness where I ripped me hair out. I'd do it with every kitchen table conversation I had with him that day until, me Mam came in and told us to move it because she needed to get Easter dinner going (not to mention sweep up great clumps of hair on the floor), and then looking at me head with a very strange expression on her face, pointing to me and then the hallway mirror. I got it, I finally took meself to the mirror and WOWEY WOW WOW! I almost trampled me wife in me distress but she picked up UNFORTUNATELY the first bill hat she found and it was Sean's MAGA hat! I was so upset I can't tell ya.
I did not realise what hat it was because I avoided the mirror like the plague, trying to figure out what to do because Monday I had to be in Boston at work! I wore the damn thing most all day to the snickers of the small fry who I ignored because I was too preoccupied to ask them WHAT?
So the third bad thing that happened after the in your face marriage announcement, followed by me pulling me hair out, and unwittingly wearing a piece of garage on me head, was an extra place had been prepared at table and guess for WHO? Oh yeah, I had only counted we were off by one extra setting when I was about to say something to me Mam, when I hear the booming and I mean BOOMING voice of . . . are you ready for the name? VIOLET! Vi to her family, Violet! No shrinking Violet be this violet. BUT she doesn't go by her first name, no, no, she goes by her middle name, Mo. For effect here be the entire name, Violet Mo Lester. The Mo was for Moreen but here parents couldn't spell it thus, MO. Of course, me Mam heard the name for what she did and ran with it, referring to Violet not as Vi or Violet but the molester woman at the end of the table. Yup she did.
It was, "Ms. Molester, would like a bit of carrot in sweet mint?" and "Ooh Ms. Molester you need try dis 'ere platter of turkey," and "Ms. Molester could ye poss da tatties?" Of which Ms. Molester had no idea what tatties were. Ugh!
I was and still am beside meself. At this rate I may end up shooting meself to put an end to me misery, or even better, chucking it all and boarding a plane for Denver and moving in with you. But then you'd take pleasure in driving me crazier than I already be. But then I think I'd miss the kiddos and they (I'd hope) would miss me. So here I sit babbling and drooling over meself and desk just getting nutter and nutter with every passing hour.
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
