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R. Linda:
You'll probably find this funny, I wish I could laugh too, but when it happens to you, it is decidedly NOT funny. Tonya took the little Airport and one of his play school friends to the park; they had a great time they did. They went on the swings, they went on the slide, they played in the grass, everything wee ones live to romp about, they did.
Tonya was quite exhausted, but happy the two boys enjoyed each other and the park. They were a wee bit knackered out themselves, so it wasn't too much trouble to get them in their car seats for the drive home. Now the day was cool, so both boys had on light jackets and in the process of the drive home, Tonya occasionally checked on them in the rear view mirror. She noticed our child fidgeting so much so, when she stopped for a red light she turned around to see what he was doing.
She nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of a 15 inch garter snake twisting in the little Airport's small fingers. Of course she jumps out of the car and then with as much care as she can she gets the two boys out of their car seats and to the side of the road where she is herding them like a traffic cop, and at the same time digging in her jeans pocket for her mobile phone. And who does she ring up? You guessed it, ME.
"Snake!" She yells at me over the phone. "O'Hare had a snake in the car."
"Lovey, does he still have it?"
"NO! I don't know where it is." Than an aside to our son she asks him where the snake is. He doesn't know. I hear her ask him where he had it last and he says, "In there," meaning the car.
"Gabriel, I am NOT getting back in that car. You have to come and get us. You drive my car and look for IT and I'll drive Jesse home and meet you back at the house."
I know it is useless to argue, so I ask where she is, and finding she isn't far, I get meself together, get into me vehicle and go to where she and the boys are waiting.
Now, I thought she had pulled over to the side of the road, but when I got there I see she is in the turn lane, three cars behind her, people honking horns, and yelling out the windows at herself, who is standing on the road shoulder trying to control two small energetic lads.
I make an illegal U turn and pull over. I get over to her car where all the doors are wide open, slam them shut, signal to the people all waiting to turn to give me a second. I got in, put the right blinker on and carefully made me way out of the turn lane to the shoulder. Tonya tells me to get the kiddie seats out and put them in my car and she'll stay with the lads, but if I see that "thing" get it OUT of her car.
I do all that, and I see no snake, so I be of the mind the thing was probably scared out it's wits and with the doors open, had exited the car long ago.
That was yesterday. This afternoon I had to make a run into me office in Boston. Tonya was going to a woman's softball game and the little Airport was going to be dropped off at his sitter's. Since the kiddie car seat was in me car, I naturally assumed that was why she took me vehicle and not her own. So, I get into the city, do me business and leave.
I be driving up the expressway when I thought I saw something in me rear view mirror. I looked and the nearest driver was nowhere near me, so I don't give it another thought until out of the corner of me eye I think I see a dark object sway by me right shoulder. I glanced over and begorrah me, but for some presence of mind I managed not to drive off the road. There in the back over the console the snake had reappeared and was 'standing' if that be the word, up high enough to look over the front window between me and the passenger seat.
It's tongue was doing that snaky thing and it was looking directly at me. Big black and yellow snake! 15 inches me arse, it was more like three feet long! I went over two car lanes into the fast lane and then over to the slow lane and finally into the breakdown lane where I came to a screeching stop. I turned around and it was GONE. It had freaking disappeared. BUT I know I saw it. I got meself out of the car and I tore out the back seats and I couldn't find it. I flipped them onto the side of the road and then I started on the front seats which don't remove, but I clicked them up and back and with a rolled up newspaper I swatted under both the driver and passenger sides but nothing.
I got me mobile and rang up the wife. She was on third base and really didn't want to hear from me about the snake. She orders me to find it, get it out. She informs me she is not driving THAT car until that reptile is located. I yelled back at her, "I can't bleeding find it to get it out!" She hung up on me.
To make matters worse, someone saw me tearing me car apart and called the police. While I am frustratingly trying to get Tonya back on the phone, a patrol car does the siren blip and the lights are flashing as it pulls over behind me. OH GREAT. I stand there looking for the all the world like a man defeated. The state trooper cautiously approaches me talking on his walkie-talkie.
"Officer, I can explain . . . " I stammered as his eyes flick over the discarded seats and open doors of me car.
"Start," he says.
Well, I tell him and by the look on his face I can tell he doesn't believe me. He makes me walk a straight line and asks me if I have been drinking. I be getting indignant now. I be mortified at what it looked like, a crazy man having a fit on the side of the highway, and he isn't buying me tale of the snake. I tell him I can verify me story if I can ring up me wife. He gives me a nod and of course, she isn't picking up. She said her piece she doesn't care, my job is to find the snake and get rid of it, not ring her up while she's on third base ready to score.
I guess because I looked like a man on the verge of a nervous breakdown, he decided I was on the level. He got his torch and he flashed it around the inside of the car. Now this is all fine and good, but there is another passing patrol car who sees all this and thinks to turn on the siren for that blip they do and flashing blue lights come on and pulls over. It looks like a drug bust. The officer gets out with his co-pilot and the two of them have their hands on their guns. Immediately I put me hands in the air and froze. The other officer meanwhile is still flashing his torch under the two front seats and up under the dashboard. Traffic is slowing down to a crawl as people rubberneck to watch the busted Irishman being stalked by two police officers and one looking for the drugs in the vehicle that he obviously has torn apart in his search.
This whole episode gave new meaning to the word embarrassment.
But it doesn't end there, it gets better. When it is firmly established that I be not a drunken Irishman, and not an escaped crazy man, and finally got Tonya on the phone to explain all about that damn bloody snake, do they decide to call the Franklin Park zoo.
Meanwhile the traffic is now backed up for miles. Within twenty minutes the zoo man arrives in his Hummer with Franklin Park Zoo written in big letters on the doors. I be by this time wanting to crawl into a hole. I be sitting by the side of the road on one of the discarded car seats, me hands covering me face, hoping no one I know be passing by and recognising me, or worse a news crew stops and I find meself on the evening news.
The four men were combing through the car for that snake or as people passing by probably thought, drugs, and I be sitting there scrunched up as small as I can make meself, feeling very clammy from the steam heat, when suddenly a woman in a passing car screams which instantly has me hands away from me face and what do I find swaying next to me on the seat? You guessed it, that bloody snake. I grabbed it and shook it and totally forgot meself yelling at it.
"Sir, sir, please let me have it," the zoo worker said grabbing the other end of the snake as the first trooper came up and was telling me to calm it down. The other two were leaning against me torn up vehicle laughing. IT WASN'T BLOODY FUNNY!
Anyway, I be home now, yup, snake is out of the car. Probably residing at the zoo, feasting on mice, while I be a stressed out basket case of a broken man.
Gabe
Copyright © 2008 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
You'll probably find this funny, I wish I could laugh too, but when it happens to you, it is decidedly NOT funny. Tonya took the little Airport and one of his play school friends to the park; they had a great time they did. They went on the swings, they went on the slide, they played in the grass, everything wee ones live to romp about, they did.
Tonya was quite exhausted, but happy the two boys enjoyed each other and the park. They were a wee bit knackered out themselves, so it wasn't too much trouble to get them in their car seats for the drive home. Now the day was cool, so both boys had on light jackets and in the process of the drive home, Tonya occasionally checked on them in the rear view mirror. She noticed our child fidgeting so much so, when she stopped for a red light she turned around to see what he was doing.
She nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of a 15 inch garter snake twisting in the little Airport's small fingers. Of course she jumps out of the car and then with as much care as she can she gets the two boys out of their car seats and to the side of the road where she is herding them like a traffic cop, and at the same time digging in her jeans pocket for her mobile phone. And who does she ring up? You guessed it, ME.
"Snake!" She yells at me over the phone. "O'Hare had a snake in the car."
"Lovey, does he still have it?"
"NO! I don't know where it is." Than an aside to our son she asks him where the snake is. He doesn't know. I hear her ask him where he had it last and he says, "In there," meaning the car.
"Gabriel, I am NOT getting back in that car. You have to come and get us. You drive my car and look for IT and I'll drive Jesse home and meet you back at the house."
I know it is useless to argue, so I ask where she is, and finding she isn't far, I get meself together, get into me vehicle and go to where she and the boys are waiting.
Now, I thought she had pulled over to the side of the road, but when I got there I see she is in the turn lane, three cars behind her, people honking horns, and yelling out the windows at herself, who is standing on the road shoulder trying to control two small energetic lads.
I make an illegal U turn and pull over. I get over to her car where all the doors are wide open, slam them shut, signal to the people all waiting to turn to give me a second. I got in, put the right blinker on and carefully made me way out of the turn lane to the shoulder. Tonya tells me to get the kiddie seats out and put them in my car and she'll stay with the lads, but if I see that "thing" get it OUT of her car.
I do all that, and I see no snake, so I be of the mind the thing was probably scared out it's wits and with the doors open, had exited the car long ago.
That was yesterday. This afternoon I had to make a run into me office in Boston. Tonya was going to a woman's softball game and the little Airport was going to be dropped off at his sitter's. Since the kiddie car seat was in me car, I naturally assumed that was why she took me vehicle and not her own. So, I get into the city, do me business and leave.
I be driving up the expressway when I thought I saw something in me rear view mirror. I looked and the nearest driver was nowhere near me, so I don't give it another thought until out of the corner of me eye I think I see a dark object sway by me right shoulder. I glanced over and begorrah me, but for some presence of mind I managed not to drive off the road. There in the back over the console the snake had reappeared and was 'standing' if that be the word, up high enough to look over the front window between me and the passenger seat.
It's tongue was doing that snaky thing and it was looking directly at me. Big black and yellow snake! 15 inches me arse, it was more like three feet long! I went over two car lanes into the fast lane and then over to the slow lane and finally into the breakdown lane where I came to a screeching stop. I turned around and it was GONE. It had freaking disappeared. BUT I know I saw it. I got meself out of the car and I tore out the back seats and I couldn't find it. I flipped them onto the side of the road and then I started on the front seats which don't remove, but I clicked them up and back and with a rolled up newspaper I swatted under both the driver and passenger sides but nothing.
I got me mobile and rang up the wife. She was on third base and really didn't want to hear from me about the snake. She orders me to find it, get it out. She informs me she is not driving THAT car until that reptile is located. I yelled back at her, "I can't bleeding find it to get it out!" She hung up on me.
To make matters worse, someone saw me tearing me car apart and called the police. While I am frustratingly trying to get Tonya back on the phone, a patrol car does the siren blip and the lights are flashing as it pulls over behind me. OH GREAT. I stand there looking for the all the world like a man defeated. The state trooper cautiously approaches me talking on his walkie-talkie.
"Officer, I can explain . . . " I stammered as his eyes flick over the discarded seats and open doors of me car.
"Start," he says.
Well, I tell him and by the look on his face I can tell he doesn't believe me. He makes me walk a straight line and asks me if I have been drinking. I be getting indignant now. I be mortified at what it looked like, a crazy man having a fit on the side of the highway, and he isn't buying me tale of the snake. I tell him I can verify me story if I can ring up me wife. He gives me a nod and of course, she isn't picking up. She said her piece she doesn't care, my job is to find the snake and get rid of it, not ring her up while she's on third base ready to score.
I guess because I looked like a man on the verge of a nervous breakdown, he decided I was on the level. He got his torch and he flashed it around the inside of the car. Now this is all fine and good, but there is another passing patrol car who sees all this and thinks to turn on the siren for that blip they do and flashing blue lights come on and pulls over. It looks like a drug bust. The officer gets out with his co-pilot and the two of them have their hands on their guns. Immediately I put me hands in the air and froze. The other officer meanwhile is still flashing his torch under the two front seats and up under the dashboard. Traffic is slowing down to a crawl as people rubberneck to watch the busted Irishman being stalked by two police officers and one looking for the drugs in the vehicle that he obviously has torn apart in his search.
This whole episode gave new meaning to the word embarrassment.
But it doesn't end there, it gets better. When it is firmly established that I be not a drunken Irishman, and not an escaped crazy man, and finally got Tonya on the phone to explain all about that damn bloody snake, do they decide to call the Franklin Park zoo.
Meanwhile the traffic is now backed up for miles. Within twenty minutes the zoo man arrives in his Hummer with Franklin Park Zoo written in big letters on the doors. I be by this time wanting to crawl into a hole. I be sitting by the side of the road on one of the discarded car seats, me hands covering me face, hoping no one I know be passing by and recognising me, or worse a news crew stops and I find meself on the evening news.
The four men were combing through the car for that snake or as people passing by probably thought, drugs, and I be sitting there scrunched up as small as I can make meself, feeling very clammy from the steam heat, when suddenly a woman in a passing car screams which instantly has me hands away from me face and what do I find swaying next to me on the seat? You guessed it, that bloody snake. I grabbed it and shook it and totally forgot meself yelling at it.
"Sir, sir, please let me have it," the zoo worker said grabbing the other end of the snake as the first trooper came up and was telling me to calm it down. The other two were leaning against me torn up vehicle laughing. IT WASN'T BLOODY FUNNY!
Anyway, I be home now, yup, snake is out of the car. Probably residing at the zoo, feasting on mice, while I be a stressed out basket case of a broken man.
Gabe
Copyright © 2008 All rights reserved
