The Linda Letters by Gabriel O'Sullivan: Facing the horses

17 July 2013

687

R. Linda:

Well . . . it's been a nightmarish few days since the Ambien episode in which I somehow found me way to Buckingham Palace and . . . and . . . this is so hard to say, spent a night at the races. There I said it! The Daily Mail front page has caused quite a bit of a stir across the pond it has, and I suppose it has spoilt Camilla's 180th birthday, but I decry any knowledge of how all this came about.

I was stunned when I first saw that headline (see Kimchi Dreams/Camilla Nightmare 15 July 2013), but Camilla, well she didn't see it until she and Charles were out and about and here is her reaction (the poor dear):

O-M-G!!!

I be infamous you know, I have been told I have taste in women in me little toe and worse places, that I need Lasik surgery to correct the fact I be blind in both eyes and . . . speaking of which when the Queen saw that newspaper she tried to poke her eyes out with microphones. Here take a look:

What can I say to THAT?

And if that wasn't bad enough the reactions going about London have proven it most intolerable I should visit the place ever again I would not be recognised. Speaking of unrecognisable, Wills upon seeing that bloody awful photo shaved his already balding pate in disgust. See here:

Poor man, now he looks like Mr. Clean and it be all me fault!

Even me good friend Becks was in a state over this. He simply could not believe it. I told him I couldn't either, but that wasn't helpful. Here see how he reacted when he saw that front page:

I may have lost me friend over this

And if THAT wasn't bad enough the Queen went on national telly to tell me arse off and it wasn't pretty. See here:

Oh, she was so mad -- can you tell?

Anyway, when she caught up with me trying to dodge her harsh words, she told me I was a horse's patootie and whipped a horse collar over me head to prove it!

You're a very naughty, naughty, boy!

While I was being berated, Camilla was commiserating with Princess Anne. At first, I thought she was sitting in the tennis bleachers with Arthur Ashe when I remembered Arthur was no longer among the living and squinting me eyes I realised me mistake it was Annie. Well, she did little to settle Camilla's nerves and I skunked off without wishing Camilla a happy birthday. SIGH.

Princess Anne quite above Camilla's troubles

So then, Camilla went stumbling off to ask her mother-in-law's forgiveness but it didn't look like a very good meeting to me.

Um no . . . didn't go well did it?

I had no recourse but to talk to the Queen AND Philip (who showed up completely oblivious to what had been going on and certainly not having seen the front page of the Daily Mail and all the other pages through to page 94). I got through somehow and the Queen forgave ME at least. In return for being nice about it and understanding what bloody havoc a sleep aid can do to one's life, she told me to go home and not to come back . . . EVER. In return, I gave both of them mementos of me infamous night of riding a horse I didn't know I was riding. Yes, I gave them shades so they could withstand the public glare of the spotlight. And to show how supportive they were here be this photo I took before I left.

Oh I know, I know, they both look grumpy but considering . . . such sports!

Yes, the stiff upper lip and all that on both of them. I know I be persona non grata but I did me best. But wait -- all is well that ends well right? So Camilla was forgiven and she and her sister were all smiles. See below: