05 August 2013
695
Continuation of: Pedestrian Walker Race -- Yee-ah, 03 August 2013
R. Linda:
I stood in mid-slurp watching the donkey come tottering up with the pirate on its back. I asked as covertly as possible, not to appear the only stupid person in a group of dumbarses, IF what I was watching approach was THE five-legged donkey and of course it was!
"Itz awesome when the donkey relaxes, dat fifth leg . . ." Weasil started to say before I hit him upside the head.
"Gees really, we need to go there? I don't think so. Why didn't you tell me that donkey was here AND how is it here? And don't tell me he rode it from Mexico to Maine."
"Yer dint let me finish da story member? He won it from da owner in a game of craps."
"Okay, that's enough." I didn't want to hear anymore.
"Okie dokie so wot we dint tell ya Gabbie is yer racin the donkey."
"Oh no," I laughed, I remembered me Labour Day spent riding a donkey at the donkey races, so no, no way was I having anything to do with another donkey, especially a five-legged one, relaxed or not. Speaking of being relaxed, it was freaking cold.
"Come on now mate, the donkey came all the way from sunny Mexico," Captain Jaack said pleadingly.
"I don't care if the donkey sprouted wings and flew around the world to get here, it ain't gonna happen, MATEY." I was ticked I was and I was freezing me arse off. Even our words came out of our mouths with that chilly smoke thing that happens. And here I was hoping for a brain freeze while I had been inside the heated car, and now that I was outside of it, I was 100% chiller than I should have been from the Slurpee and the outdoor frost.
Helpful Ernie had gone to the back of his van and had THE walker. I was offended and stood there shaking me head that they were all nuts and I was getting rather angry at meself for being talked into such stupid nonsense.
"Wot's the purpose to this? I see no other racers, I see no start line, I see no reason why I be here but to be the butt of some pirate joke that I won't get." I said getting a bit more ticked off.
Just then a carload of men pulled up. Oh good I thought, more racers, but they weren't racers they were some of them dressed like pirates, and the others were in jeans and shirts but still, they looked like pirates with heavy WARM jackets. I stood there dumbstruck freezing and eyeing those woolly warm jackets, even the heavy wool pirate ones.
"Wots this then?" I asked disturbed, me teeth chattering.
"The crowd to cheer yer arse on," Weasil grinned. "Jaack's crew."
"The idea Cappy is for you to see if you can beat out the donkey. You see the donkey isn't very fast and well, you using the walker makes the race even because you won't be fast either," Jaack said, a ringed hand stroking his beard. Not a good sign when a man does that, you know they are up to no good.
"All you have to do is give the donkey a thirty-foot head start and then beat him to the finish line which is about a mile down the path." Jaack continued.
"I thought this was a ten-hour race?" I was told that by Weasil.
"Ten hours?" Jaack laughed, "Where did you get that from . . . oh oh I see." He said looking at Weasil. "Well, it is only a mile and we'll be down there," he pointed through the trees, "and we'll be cheering you on because we really want to see the donkey lose."
"And why is that?" I foolishly asked.
"Because Long John there, the ass riding the ass, told us he wants to take it on the Pearl." This was said softly like it was confidential. "And we," Jaack pointed to everyone else, "don't want donkey shit on our ship. It smells, savvy?"
"It does," I said.
"It does." He said. "So we told Long John that the only way the donkey would get on the Pearl was IF the donkey could prove itself. The best way to do that was to have it in a race because as everyone but Long John knows, donkeys are slow and don't like to race. And I said he had to race someone who didn't like donkeys. And then I had a thought, YOU don't like donkeys, so the idea came about in not quite that manner, but close enough."
I was looking down me nose at him. I didn't want to ask him to repeat that nonsense, as that was what it was, and I knew to huff off would be useless, they would make me walk home from wherever I was, so the only thing to do was to get it over with and just do it!
"You'll warm up soon as you start," he whispered.
"Let's do this," I said and took the walker from Ernie.
"That's the spirit!" Jaack shouted and they all gave me a pirate hurrah of sorts, it was "Arghhh and Harrhhh, and Yarrhhh" all mixed together, just bloody dreadful the shouting bunch of them.
So the donkey tottered off with Long John astride and he took off at a rather brisk pace which had me sucking wind. I was thinking, no that stupid mule can't be trotting. What the hell? I looked at Jaack as he had his stopwatch out and his hand up and as the donkey made it 30 feet ahead, he signalled by bringing his arm down and shouted, "GO!"
Well, here was something new and embarrassing, have you ever tried to walk with a walker when you didn't need one? It's a pain in the arse, you plop it down and take a step and pick it up and plop it down and take another step, it was insane, and I tried to do it fast, but you just can't, it be like chewing gum and trying to walk at the same time, just impossible! I could see the donkey's arse disappearing around the bend and there I was with (of all people) Weasil cheering me on.
"You kin do it Gabby, come onie."
The rest of them had got in the van and driven to the next rest stop. I was guessing that was what it was.
Something Weasil said as I laboured me way down the dirt road made me really dig in and want to beat the donkey and arse riding it. He was telling me how embarrassing it would be if I couldn't beat it, and I'd never live it down . . . EVER. I tell ya I was a sweaty mess and the air up there was rather cold, but I kept going, chilled as I was getting from sweat and frost until I saw the donkey up ahead and it was in the woods with Long John yelling at it to turn around it was off course, well the words Long John was shouting are not printable but you'll get the idea.
I smiled at Weasil, and said, "Piece of cake Weas." And I really started digging in that walker.
As I got passed the donkey and Long John, Weasil decided to stop and help Long John with a few cheers of encouragement, not to help him really more like annoy him. I was grinning from ear to ear like a damn fool, something I wouldn't allow me face to do when Weasil was with me. I was out in front and telling meself I had the race in the bag.
I found meself coming along to where a lake could be seen from the road. As I laboured I saw an older woman in a floppy hat in fishing gear on the dock. There was a boat tied there and she had put the fishing rods and tackle in the boat. She had one leg on the boat and the other on the dock and as she went to pick up a picnic basket to put in the boat, I saw her move like her balance was off and then I realised the end of the boat where she was had come untied. She was pretty much doing the splits as I came up where I had a clearer view of the boat drifting out and her legs looking like a wishbone ready to snap.
"Help! Help! Harold help!" She was calling.
I stopped thinking I should go help her when I saw an old man coming on the dock. He had a walker! He was plodding along as fast as he could with that thing. I was dumbstruck watching this and subconsciously I started to slip-sliding me walker in their direction and was halfway there when I realised I didn't need a walker, what the hell was I doing, so as I stepped out from behind it the old man had beat me to his wife and with his walker he had hooked it on the side of the boat and had moved it back toward the dock. Nothing for me to do, she was saved.
I went back to me walker and he waved in thanks for the effort me and me walker were making to help out, but he had it under control. I was glad he did because I didn't, as soon as got out of that clearing I started laughing like a silly arse. I don't know why I found that funny, but I did until I heard the sound of hoofbeats coming behind me. I twisted around and there was that stupid donkey with Long John bouncing on top waving a stick over its head -- and Weasil jogging behind.
I sped up I did, and I saw ahead a yellow line and that motley crew cheering us, all except Captain Jaack who looked mighty perturbed he was about to have a donkey on his ship.
I was twenty feet from the finish, I was zipping along like I had seen the old man do and thought to meself that's why I saw that whole astounding incident, to learn to use this stupid thing to go faster. And I was just fourteen feet from the finish when that damn donkey overtook me.
"Come on Gabbie ya kin do it!" Weasil said breathlessly as he came up to me.
But then something glorious happened, and the donkey stopped. Right behind the yellow line. It wouldn't budge, it wouldn't move, and Long John was digging his heels in and giving it a whack with the stick, and yelling but it only stood there braying. IT wasn't going an inch farther.
I was a laughing mess crossing that line, I was completely surrounded by cheering pirates and I have to tell you as stupid as it sounds, I rather enjoyed beating a donkey in a race.
I'll never do it again though. I have told meself after one of these occasions that I will never do this or that and somehow the Weasil finds a new way for me to make a bloody fool of meself. It must be because he knows I don't function in the morning and that is when he strikes. I tell ya!
I wanted revenge, yes I did. I knew it be a waste of me time on Weasil, but Captain Jaack was me focus. I'd get him for this nonsense and I did. We rode back to town and were to take a shuttle bus to the train. As we got to the stop I saw these teenagers getting out of the Lone Ranger movie that was playing in the mall across the way. As they came out, me being considerably taller than Jaack waved from behind him at the first four teens, and I pointed at Jaack and mouthed, 'Johnny Depp' and that was it, it was all over in just seconds. They came running across the road and yelling and all that ruckus got the notice of the others coming out and before Jaack knew it he was surrounded!
YES, YES he was. I was one hell of a happy racer. Weasil started laughing until he remembered the DiCaprio comment on the train earlier and he messed his hair up so it was standing straight up. He looked like a punk rocker. We watched as Jaack was literally washed away in a sea of autograph seekers and snapping mobile cameras. The bus came while all this was going on. Yes, it did and there was no way to rescue him, no none. Aw, too bad right? Weasil snapped a goodbye photo and said we'd probably never see Jaack again. Oh sigh.
Here's Jaack's last moments surrounded by chaos as our bus pulled away.
And no word from Jaack since. I wonder what happened to him. No, I don't, not really I hope his arm is falling off from signing autographs though.
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
Continuation of: Pedestrian Walker Race -- Yee-ah, 03 August 2013
R. Linda:
I stood in mid-slurp watching the donkey come tottering up with the pirate on its back. I asked as covertly as possible, not to appear the only stupid person in a group of dumbarses, IF what I was watching approach was THE five-legged donkey and of course it was!
"Itz awesome when the donkey relaxes, dat fifth leg . . ." Weasil started to say before I hit him upside the head.
"Gees really, we need to go there? I don't think so. Why didn't you tell me that donkey was here AND how is it here? And don't tell me he rode it from Mexico to Maine."
"Yer dint let me finish da story member? He won it from da owner in a game of craps."
"Okay, that's enough." I didn't want to hear anymore.
"Okie dokie so wot we dint tell ya Gabbie is yer racin the donkey."
"Oh no," I laughed, I remembered me Labour Day spent riding a donkey at the donkey races, so no, no way was I having anything to do with another donkey, especially a five-legged one, relaxed or not. Speaking of being relaxed, it was freaking cold.
"Come on now mate, the donkey came all the way from sunny Mexico," Captain Jaack said pleadingly.
"I don't care if the donkey sprouted wings and flew around the world to get here, it ain't gonna happen, MATEY." I was ticked I was and I was freezing me arse off. Even our words came out of our mouths with that chilly smoke thing that happens. And here I was hoping for a brain freeze while I had been inside the heated car, and now that I was outside of it, I was 100% chiller than I should have been from the Slurpee and the outdoor frost.
Helpful Ernie had gone to the back of his van and had THE walker. I was offended and stood there shaking me head that they were all nuts and I was getting rather angry at meself for being talked into such stupid nonsense.
"Wot's the purpose to this? I see no other racers, I see no start line, I see no reason why I be here but to be the butt of some pirate joke that I won't get." I said getting a bit more ticked off.
Just then a carload of men pulled up. Oh good I thought, more racers, but they weren't racers they were some of them dressed like pirates, and the others were in jeans and shirts but still, they looked like pirates with heavy WARM jackets. I stood there dumbstruck freezing and eyeing those woolly warm jackets, even the heavy wool pirate ones.
"Wots this then?" I asked disturbed, me teeth chattering.
"The crowd to cheer yer arse on," Weasil grinned. "Jaack's crew."
"The idea Cappy is for you to see if you can beat out the donkey. You see the donkey isn't very fast and well, you using the walker makes the race even because you won't be fast either," Jaack said, a ringed hand stroking his beard. Not a good sign when a man does that, you know they are up to no good.
"All you have to do is give the donkey a thirty-foot head start and then beat him to the finish line which is about a mile down the path." Jaack continued.
"I thought this was a ten-hour race?" I was told that by Weasil.
"Ten hours?" Jaack laughed, "Where did you get that from . . . oh oh I see." He said looking at Weasil. "Well, it is only a mile and we'll be down there," he pointed through the trees, "and we'll be cheering you on because we really want to see the donkey lose."
"And why is that?" I foolishly asked.
"Because Long John there, the ass riding the ass, told us he wants to take it on the Pearl." This was said softly like it was confidential. "And we," Jaack pointed to everyone else, "don't want donkey shit on our ship. It smells, savvy?"
"It does," I said.
"It does." He said. "So we told Long John that the only way the donkey would get on the Pearl was IF the donkey could prove itself. The best way to do that was to have it in a race because as everyone but Long John knows, donkeys are slow and don't like to race. And I said he had to race someone who didn't like donkeys. And then I had a thought, YOU don't like donkeys, so the idea came about in not quite that manner, but close enough."
I was looking down me nose at him. I didn't want to ask him to repeat that nonsense, as that was what it was, and I knew to huff off would be useless, they would make me walk home from wherever I was, so the only thing to do was to get it over with and just do it!
"You'll warm up soon as you start," he whispered.
"Let's do this," I said and took the walker from Ernie.
"That's the spirit!" Jaack shouted and they all gave me a pirate hurrah of sorts, it was "Arghhh and Harrhhh, and Yarrhhh" all mixed together, just bloody dreadful the shouting bunch of them.
So the donkey tottered off with Long John astride and he took off at a rather brisk pace which had me sucking wind. I was thinking, no that stupid mule can't be trotting. What the hell? I looked at Jaack as he had his stopwatch out and his hand up and as the donkey made it 30 feet ahead, he signalled by bringing his arm down and shouted, "GO!"
Well, here was something new and embarrassing, have you ever tried to walk with a walker when you didn't need one? It's a pain in the arse, you plop it down and take a step and pick it up and plop it down and take another step, it was insane, and I tried to do it fast, but you just can't, it be like chewing gum and trying to walk at the same time, just impossible! I could see the donkey's arse disappearing around the bend and there I was with (of all people) Weasil cheering me on.
"You kin do it Gabby, come onie."
The rest of them had got in the van and driven to the next rest stop. I was guessing that was what it was.
Something Weasil said as I laboured me way down the dirt road made me really dig in and want to beat the donkey and arse riding it. He was telling me how embarrassing it would be if I couldn't beat it, and I'd never live it down . . . EVER. I tell ya I was a sweaty mess and the air up there was rather cold, but I kept going, chilled as I was getting from sweat and frost until I saw the donkey up ahead and it was in the woods with Long John yelling at it to turn around it was off course, well the words Long John was shouting are not printable but you'll get the idea.
I smiled at Weasil, and said, "Piece of cake Weas." And I really started digging in that walker.
As I got passed the donkey and Long John, Weasil decided to stop and help Long John with a few cheers of encouragement, not to help him really more like annoy him. I was grinning from ear to ear like a damn fool, something I wouldn't allow me face to do when Weasil was with me. I was out in front and telling meself I had the race in the bag.
I found meself coming along to where a lake could be seen from the road. As I laboured I saw an older woman in a floppy hat in fishing gear on the dock. There was a boat tied there and she had put the fishing rods and tackle in the boat. She had one leg on the boat and the other on the dock and as she went to pick up a picnic basket to put in the boat, I saw her move like her balance was off and then I realised the end of the boat where she was had come untied. She was pretty much doing the splits as I came up where I had a clearer view of the boat drifting out and her legs looking like a wishbone ready to snap.
"Help! Help! Harold help!" She was calling.
I stopped thinking I should go help her when I saw an old man coming on the dock. He had a walker! He was plodding along as fast as he could with that thing. I was dumbstruck watching this and subconsciously I started to slip-sliding me walker in their direction and was halfway there when I realised I didn't need a walker, what the hell was I doing, so as I stepped out from behind it the old man had beat me to his wife and with his walker he had hooked it on the side of the boat and had moved it back toward the dock. Nothing for me to do, she was saved.
I went back to me walker and he waved in thanks for the effort me and me walker were making to help out, but he had it under control. I was glad he did because I didn't, as soon as got out of that clearing I started laughing like a silly arse. I don't know why I found that funny, but I did until I heard the sound of hoofbeats coming behind me. I twisted around and there was that stupid donkey with Long John bouncing on top waving a stick over its head -- and Weasil jogging behind.
I sped up I did, and I saw ahead a yellow line and that motley crew cheering us, all except Captain Jaack who looked mighty perturbed he was about to have a donkey on his ship.
I was twenty feet from the finish, I was zipping along like I had seen the old man do and thought to meself that's why I saw that whole astounding incident, to learn to use this stupid thing to go faster. And I was just fourteen feet from the finish when that damn donkey overtook me.
"Come on Gabbie ya kin do it!" Weasil said breathlessly as he came up to me.
But then something glorious happened, and the donkey stopped. Right behind the yellow line. It wouldn't budge, it wouldn't move, and Long John was digging his heels in and giving it a whack with the stick, and yelling but it only stood there braying. IT wasn't going an inch farther.
I was a laughing mess crossing that line, I was completely surrounded by cheering pirates and I have to tell you as stupid as it sounds, I rather enjoyed beating a donkey in a race.
I'll never do it again though. I have told meself after one of these occasions that I will never do this or that and somehow the Weasil finds a new way for me to make a bloody fool of meself. It must be because he knows I don't function in the morning and that is when he strikes. I tell ya!
I wanted revenge, yes I did. I knew it be a waste of me time on Weasil, but Captain Jaack was me focus. I'd get him for this nonsense and I did. We rode back to town and were to take a shuttle bus to the train. As we got to the stop I saw these teenagers getting out of the Lone Ranger movie that was playing in the mall across the way. As they came out, me being considerably taller than Jaack waved from behind him at the first four teens, and I pointed at Jaack and mouthed, 'Johnny Depp' and that was it, it was all over in just seconds. They came running across the road and yelling and all that ruckus got the notice of the others coming out and before Jaack knew it he was surrounded!
YES, YES he was. I was one hell of a happy racer. Weasil started laughing until he remembered the DiCaprio comment on the train earlier and he messed his hair up so it was standing straight up. He looked like a punk rocker. We watched as Jaack was literally washed away in a sea of autograph seekers and snapping mobile cameras. The bus came while all this was going on. Yes, it did and there was no way to rescue him, no none. Aw, too bad right? Weasil snapped a goodbye photo and said we'd probably never see Jaack again. Oh sigh.
Here's Jaack's last moments surrounded by chaos as our bus pulled away.
 |
| Mahwahahahahaha |
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
