28 December 2003
41
R. Linda:
You might find this amusing and then again, might not. For Christmas, my two neighbours decided to have a Christmas gift-giving exchange. That would be the ever-vibrant Tonya and the thrift shop Alison who lives two doors down. They decided to include me because I have no family here and another guy, the new neighbour below us, John, as well, as a way of welcoming him into the fold so to speak.
Now I like these girls, but I have not much of a clue what brand of anything they like. I don't know what shops they frequent, nor even what colour of an item they might choose. Not being one for taking a guess at what someone might want, I went straight to all three and asked. That way even though they'd know what they were getting, they'd be sure to like it. Tonya was easy, she wanted makeup and she listed them all, including the shop and the total amount.
Ali too, had seen something she wanted, but would never buy for herself. A British telephone cabinet made to hold hundreds of CDs. This was for sale in a thrift shop so it wasn't as expensive as one might think.
And John wanted an antique car badge on eBay that one could "Buy Now" for $15.00. He figured $5.00 postage (it was $3.00). He was the most expensive of everyone. He also told me money was no problem and if I needed more, bid more and he'd pay the difference if I wasn't fast enough for the Buy Now and bidding had started on the item. Right. Not looking at the piece of paper he wrote out with the info, I said to him, "John, don't you think $15.00 for a car badge is a wee bit excessive?" He said in so many words, that he made good money and what the hay. Not to look like a cheapo Scotsman (which I be not, just a cheapo Irishman), I couldn't get out of this without looking well . . . cheap! So, I said, "Christmas come once a year, why not a car badge?"
As for me, I didn't know what I wanted. We had a $15.00 limit and I couldn't think of a thing. They threw out suggestions like pens, paper, ink cartridges, books, dictionaries, writing tools -- right like I don't already have all that stuff.
I said, "Guys, get me anything but work items."
That started the hounding of a lifetime. I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't care that much, but I did know I didn't want any more pens, paper, or dictionaries.
They kept after me, but I had no clue. I couldn't even think about it because I was kept so busy with me job that I had no time to give thought to anything but work. They started to get on me nerves because I'd come home to notes shoved under the door, so many I couldn't get in. I'd have no less than thirty messages on me answering machine and forget the email. All of them were suggesting things and then the nearer to Christmas it got, they came knocking on me door with suggestions.
I was knackered on this one particular night when all of them came over. We had a knocking-about session of suggestions. They brought me catalogues and they decided since I couldn't think of anything personal for meself, how about they look around the rooms and decide upon something for the flat. Fine, I said, have a go.
They did. Tonya saw a poster on me bedroom wall of hot air balloons and she went running to the discarded catalogues thumbing through them as she screamed, "I know what we can get him!"
She flipped open to the page she was looking for, shoved it in me face with a slap on the page and said, "This!"
There were these three arty hot air balloons that she was visualising hanging from me blue water spot stained ceiling. Yes, objects d' art for me spartan flat. How wonderful.
"Gabriel, they would look cool and would decorate the office slash sitting room. What do you think?" Tonya asked, with her fingers doing the quote on quote as she repeated gaily, "Office SLASH sitting room."
"We could each get you one. See? These three are in different colours," she was all grins and happy-happy.
What did I think? I thought she was crazy is what I thought, but then there was no other alternative and I, like a complete arse said, "O K."
I took a glance at the catalogue where these hot air balloon arty things were featured, and they looked very colourful and neat. Thinking she and Ali were the decorating types, I muttered, "Go for it."
Then I saw the price, $80.00 apiece. I pointed this out and Tonya grinned like a Cheshire cat, "I work for this company, I get everything below cost. Be a snap, $15.00 a piece tops."
I told her if that was the way it was, OK.
In the scheme of things I went out and bought $15.00 worth of makeup for Tonya (and I should clarify that the place she sent me was wholesale and I got everything on the list). Even a few moments of embarrassing chitchat, debating the clerk which shade of caramel Tonya's skin tone was, and answering several times, "No, I be not her homme boyfriend." The clerk was determined to sell me face makeup for a chocolate-skinned girl and here I be saying, no, no she be more caramel cream.
For me hippy neighbour Ali, I bought the equivalent of a British telephone booth for her extensive CD collection. Getting it up the stairs was a feat in itself, but somehow I managed. That item was a steal. The people at Goodwill had no clue about the value of the thing. Hell, if I had seen it first, I'd have bought it! Then to the Internet where I instantly was the new owner of a PINTO car badge. WHO DRIVES A PINTO?! I thought when John told me money was no object, I envisioned he was the owner of a Jaguar or a big arse Mercedes. $15.00 for a PINTO car badge, to me at least, was excessive. The car badge was probably worth more than the car!
Do you remember the hot air arty things? I said I glanced at the catalogue. I did. I have lived to regret "glancing" at anything. The operative word here is glance. I was too shocked at the $80.00 price tag to notice the dimensions. Well, I told them they could get me the three for Christmas as you know. It was said to make it easy on all three of them. Well, they did. The only thing, these things are huge. I mean BIG, HUGE, GIMUNGUS. I thought they were these glass-like, maybe 5-inch jobbies. Well, hell they measure a whopping 24 inches in length and they have a wide span of another 15 to 18 inches across. And I have THREE of them!
I can't hang them from the ceiling I won't bang into them. If I was shorter, maybe 3' 2" tall, that might not be a problem. I was like begorrah what the f---? They cost around $80.00 a piece for everyone else, but for me, $15.00 a piece of sheer danger. So here I be, with these three people looking at them lying around me living room. When was I going to hang those expensive pieces of artwork they kept asking. Well, I wanted to hang them from the rafters of the hallway outside, because that is where they'd look most effective. Way up high, and as one came up the stairwell, there'd they be, floating in space. But nooo, I had to put them in my office/sitting room. So I got a stud finder, found the damn beams and hung them in the only available corner.
Well, the breeze hits them whenever you open the door and since I have this continuous draft from a nearby window, they float wildly around in front of the telly. I be like, SHITE this sucks! If the door opens, there they go and forget about viewing the telly on a windy day. But I can't take them down without offending sensibilities. And even worse, if I go to walk from me bedroom to the kitchen at night, I get whapped in the face because they are level with me head! And not once, but three times. Why? Because each time I hit the first one, I try to avoid the next, but the first one has set the second in motion and it comes out of nowhere in the darkness and wham! That always throws me head-on into the third one, whack! I hate to tell you how many times I've done this because getting up from sleep in a haze for a glass of water, who'd a thunk of hot air balloons waiting to attack one in the darkness of one's own home? Teach me to glance at anything.
Me, trying to watch the telly between the floating balloons. :(
R. Linda:
You might find this amusing and then again, might not. For Christmas, my two neighbours decided to have a Christmas gift-giving exchange. That would be the ever-vibrant Tonya and the thrift shop Alison who lives two doors down. They decided to include me because I have no family here and another guy, the new neighbour below us, John, as well, as a way of welcoming him into the fold so to speak.
Now I like these girls, but I have not much of a clue what brand of anything they like. I don't know what shops they frequent, nor even what colour of an item they might choose. Not being one for taking a guess at what someone might want, I went straight to all three and asked. That way even though they'd know what they were getting, they'd be sure to like it. Tonya was easy, she wanted makeup and she listed them all, including the shop and the total amount.
Ali too, had seen something she wanted, but would never buy for herself. A British telephone cabinet made to hold hundreds of CDs. This was for sale in a thrift shop so it wasn't as expensive as one might think.
And John wanted an antique car badge on eBay that one could "Buy Now" for $15.00. He figured $5.00 postage (it was $3.00). He was the most expensive of everyone. He also told me money was no problem and if I needed more, bid more and he'd pay the difference if I wasn't fast enough for the Buy Now and bidding had started on the item. Right. Not looking at the piece of paper he wrote out with the info, I said to him, "John, don't you think $15.00 for a car badge is a wee bit excessive?" He said in so many words, that he made good money and what the hay. Not to look like a cheapo Scotsman (which I be not, just a cheapo Irishman), I couldn't get out of this without looking well . . . cheap! So, I said, "Christmas come once a year, why not a car badge?"
As for me, I didn't know what I wanted. We had a $15.00 limit and I couldn't think of a thing. They threw out suggestions like pens, paper, ink cartridges, books, dictionaries, writing tools -- right like I don't already have all that stuff.
I said, "Guys, get me anything but work items."
That started the hounding of a lifetime. I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't care that much, but I did know I didn't want any more pens, paper, or dictionaries.
They kept after me, but I had no clue. I couldn't even think about it because I was kept so busy with me job that I had no time to give thought to anything but work. They started to get on me nerves because I'd come home to notes shoved under the door, so many I couldn't get in. I'd have no less than thirty messages on me answering machine and forget the email. All of them were suggesting things and then the nearer to Christmas it got, they came knocking on me door with suggestions.
I was knackered on this one particular night when all of them came over. We had a knocking-about session of suggestions. They brought me catalogues and they decided since I couldn't think of anything personal for meself, how about they look around the rooms and decide upon something for the flat. Fine, I said, have a go.
They did. Tonya saw a poster on me bedroom wall of hot air balloons and she went running to the discarded catalogues thumbing through them as she screamed, "I know what we can get him!"
She flipped open to the page she was looking for, shoved it in me face with a slap on the page and said, "This!"
There were these three arty hot air balloons that she was visualising hanging from me blue water spot stained ceiling. Yes, objects d' art for me spartan flat. How wonderful.
"Gabriel, they would look cool and would decorate the office slash sitting room. What do you think?" Tonya asked, with her fingers doing the quote on quote as she repeated gaily, "Office SLASH sitting room."
"We could each get you one. See? These three are in different colours," she was all grins and happy-happy.
What did I think? I thought she was crazy is what I thought, but then there was no other alternative and I, like a complete arse said, "O K."
I took a glance at the catalogue where these hot air balloon arty things were featured, and they looked very colourful and neat. Thinking she and Ali were the decorating types, I muttered, "Go for it."
Then I saw the price, $80.00 apiece. I pointed this out and Tonya grinned like a Cheshire cat, "I work for this company, I get everything below cost. Be a snap, $15.00 a piece tops."
I told her if that was the way it was, OK.
In the scheme of things I went out and bought $15.00 worth of makeup for Tonya (and I should clarify that the place she sent me was wholesale and I got everything on the list). Even a few moments of embarrassing chitchat, debating the clerk which shade of caramel Tonya's skin tone was, and answering several times, "No, I be not her homme boyfriend." The clerk was determined to sell me face makeup for a chocolate-skinned girl and here I be saying, no, no she be more caramel cream.
For me hippy neighbour Ali, I bought the equivalent of a British telephone booth for her extensive CD collection. Getting it up the stairs was a feat in itself, but somehow I managed. That item was a steal. The people at Goodwill had no clue about the value of the thing. Hell, if I had seen it first, I'd have bought it! Then to the Internet where I instantly was the new owner of a PINTO car badge. WHO DRIVES A PINTO?! I thought when John told me money was no object, I envisioned he was the owner of a Jaguar or a big arse Mercedes. $15.00 for a PINTO car badge, to me at least, was excessive. The car badge was probably worth more than the car!
Do you remember the hot air arty things? I said I glanced at the catalogue. I did. I have lived to regret "glancing" at anything. The operative word here is glance. I was too shocked at the $80.00 price tag to notice the dimensions. Well, I told them they could get me the three for Christmas as you know. It was said to make it easy on all three of them. Well, they did. The only thing, these things are huge. I mean BIG, HUGE, GIMUNGUS. I thought they were these glass-like, maybe 5-inch jobbies. Well, hell they measure a whopping 24 inches in length and they have a wide span of another 15 to 18 inches across. And I have THREE of them!
I can't hang them from the ceiling I won't bang into them. If I was shorter, maybe 3' 2" tall, that might not be a problem. I was like begorrah what the f---? They cost around $80.00 a piece for everyone else, but for me, $15.00 a piece of sheer danger. So here I be, with these three people looking at them lying around me living room. When was I going to hang those expensive pieces of artwork they kept asking. Well, I wanted to hang them from the rafters of the hallway outside, because that is where they'd look most effective. Way up high, and as one came up the stairwell, there'd they be, floating in space. But nooo, I had to put them in my office/sitting room. So I got a stud finder, found the damn beams and hung them in the only available corner.
Well, the breeze hits them whenever you open the door and since I have this continuous draft from a nearby window, they float wildly around in front of the telly. I be like, SHITE this sucks! If the door opens, there they go and forget about viewing the telly on a windy day. But I can't take them down without offending sensibilities. And even worse, if I go to walk from me bedroom to the kitchen at night, I get whapped in the face because they are level with me head! And not once, but three times. Why? Because each time I hit the first one, I try to avoid the next, but the first one has set the second in motion and it comes out of nowhere in the darkness and wham! That always throws me head-on into the third one, whack! I hate to tell you how many times I've done this because getting up from sleep in a haze for a glass of water, who'd a thunk of hot air balloons waiting to attack one in the darkness of one's own home? Teach me to glance at anything.
Me, trying to watch the telly between the floating balloons. :(
Gabe
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