23 November 2008
246
R. Linda:
As you know about a week ago, the weather turned a wee bit chilly and yours truly went to put on his fav jackie (jacket) only to find it was gone. Now the thing about this particular piece of comfy warm clothing, was that it had sentimental value and was broken in just the way I like it. To find it missing was baffling because it had hung on the hook in the mud room since we first moved in. I looked behind the door thinking it slid off and was in a heap on the floor, but no it wasn't there. I looked in the closet and my wellies were there, me wife's gardening apron, but no favourite jacket.
I went to the closet in the front hall and no, it wasn't there, I even pulled everything out to be sure. I then went to the attic and saw it wasn't there either. I went to the cellar in the off chance it might be there, and nothing. I went to the bedroom closet and pulled that apart and no, no fav jackie anywhere.
The wife came home from the grocers and of course, as soon as she stepped in the door me questioning started, "Ton, have ya seen me fav jackie? I looked all over and I can't find it."
"Probably in the shed or the attic," she said.
"I already looked and it is not there," I said, thinking more like probably in the trunk of her car not folded but in a crumpled mess thrown in with all manner of leaking things from the groceries on top.
"Oh," says she like a light bulb went off in her head, "THAT rag -- my mother threw out with a bunch of other old things that were taking up space in the mud room."
Be still me heart! I felt like a knife had been plunged deep into me racing heart and twisted, yes twisted. I had to sit down, I was filled with disbelief, and when I finally found me voice (which was a mere croak because of the startling news), it was with a tone of utter sadness I said, "But THAT was me favourite jackie."
I was feeling really sorry for meself and looked up at her from where I sat at the kitchen table, she busily unpacking groceries, the little one on the floor with a toy airplane making all kinds of noise. I realised me puppy dog look and me low pathetic voice was not heard by either of them. I cleared me throat and said it again, this time both of them stopping what they were doing hands in mid-air, one with an airplane aloft, the other a can of Nestle's Quick.
I was told in no uncertain terms to get over meself, the jacket was no more than a rag and I should go buy a new one. This stunned me.
"But, but, but that was me jackie from me university days."
The little one went back to his airplane noises and me wife to put up groceries. There was nothing to do for it, so I heaved a sigh, got me car keys off the peg by the hearth and with me head down in a dejected manner, me huge feet shuffling along as if I were on death row, I headed for the door.
Suddenly it hit me, the "old rag" as Tonya referred to it, must be hanging on some rack at the Salvation Army! Yes, that was it, it wasn't too late, I'd go there and bring me old friend home. Damnit I'd wear it home proudly. So in me car I hopped, got me engine started and off I went down the drive to the old road.
So, here I be driving along when suddenly out of nowhere comes this huge black thing and wham it hits the front of me car sending me careening into a ditch. Me heart was pounding in me chest at the fright. I be like what the hell just happened? I got out of me car to survey the damage and there, yes there on the side of the road was a dead turkey. How fortuitous is this? Thanksgiving is a week away and here is a fresh, at least 30 lb birdie. Forget me front bumper was a mangled mess, forget me wheel hubs were encased in 12 inches of mud, and I had killed me a Thanksgiving turkey!
As I was getting out me mobile phone to call Tonya, a pickup truck stopped just up ahead of me. I clicked the phone shut thinking I've got help to get me out and hey guys look what I got, a turkey! But that didn't go the way I was planning, instead, these three swamp yankees (the equivalent of rednecks down south) jumped out of the truck, picked up me dead birdie and hauled it into the back of the pickup, jumped back in and rode off!
What the f? I be stunned I tell you, stunned. They stole me dinner and they didn't offer to help me. WHO DOES THAT?
Now I be dejected about me situation. And if that isn't bad enough, I be on a backwoods country road where no one travels. I leaned on the bonnet of me damaged vehicle and opened me phone when I heard the sound of a motor coming me way. I clicked the phone shut and went out to the road and I realised I recognised the car. It be me flash happy neighbour and there she is clear as a bell in her four-wheel-drive truck and I be thinking, this be wonderful because I know she can haul me arse out of the ditch. In excited expectation, I start flagging her down by waving me arms wildly in the air, and as she gets closer me face breaks into the biggest old smile ever and WHIZZZZZZZZ by me she goes.
I be what the f? She didn't even look at me she was bouncing around signing and fiddling with the radio and it was obvious she was having a good time, a song fest of her own and totally oblivious to yours truly's situation. Not only had I been robbed, I'd been ignored!
I went back to me broken down car and opened the phone and I realised the phone had no juice. It be dead. Oh great. I be too far to walk home and much too far from a petrol station, and add to that I be on a less travelled road. And it's freaking cold. And, no sooner did I realise that, then snowflakes started to drift by. To make matters even worse, I left the house without a coat. So back to the car I went and I closed the front door and opened the back one looking for one of me son's little blankets. Okay so I'll look like an old lady with a shawl, but at least I'll be warmer than with nothing. Well, usually there are a ton of these old receiving blankets in the backseat, but no not this time. Angry, I slammed the door and got in the front to start the engine so at least I'd have heat, but then I found I couldn't open the door. The inertia switch kicked in because I slammed the back door hard and the whole car was in lockdown.
Begorrah me! Now I have been in a road accident, robbed, ignored, have a dead phone, and to add insult to injury -- been locked out of me own vehicle with snow falling at a pretty steady clip and no coat or child's blanket to keep me warm.
45 minutes later I find meself dancing outside the locked vehicle trying to keep warm when I see headlamps coming from the opposite direction. Blowing on me cold hands I got meself up to the road to try to wave the car down. Well, low and behold the vehicle slows and these two teenage girls roll down their window, and as I go to open me frigid mouth I find me tongue isn't working and I be slurring me words. They looked wide-eyed at me and one said, "Go, he's drunk! Step on the gas," and away they zoomed.
What the F? I be so cold I be sneezing me fool head off, so bad tears are running down me cheeks turning to ice, glueing me eyelids shut so I can hardly see. I hear another motor and ever hopeful I won't be left to die in the blizzard that is now raging around me, going on an hour of exposure, I see the headlamps and I try to wave, but me arms are so frozen to me chest I can't lift them and I can hardly see for the ice on me eyelashes, and you already know me voice was gone because the chill had frozen me tongue to the roof of me mouth, so this was me about to get desperate and throw me ice cube of a body at the moving vehicle. I started to, but I slipped on the icy pavement and went zooming across the road like an ice rocket into the drifting snow. Talk about being cold, that was the end of all the chills that snow drift. Luckily I wasn't run over, but I saw in me free slide across the path of the oncoming car lights with snow clearly falling in buckets, headlamps illuminating the skid mark.
A familiar voice comes through my icy consciousness, "Gabriel, oh my Gabriel are you all right? Oh my dear Gawd what are you doing trying to skateboard across a snowy road and dear Gawd where is your coat?"
It be the flasher neighbour, and I tried to blink up at her for communication purposes since me mouth didn't work, but she didn't get it. She tried to lift me block of ice body upward but I couldn't help and I couldn't bend so frozen was it. She slid me like a sleigh by pulling me by the feet, then somehow she got me upright and jammed me no longer flexible body into the passenger side of her truck. I was stiff as a board, me feet were wedged to the floor, me arms to me chest and I was straight like a mummy. The heat that was coming in from under the dash hurt like bloody hell because it was so hot it felt cold and I couldn't scream like I wanted to, all I could do was make these Boris Karloff noises and all I got was, "Oh dear Gawd," from me rescuer.
She started to take off that awful trench coat of hers and I struggled for all I was worth to try to get me arms to move away from their frozen position over me chest to stop her because I truly did not want to see her exposing her naked self to me like she does when she sees me mowing the lawn. I be in true terror now and she be of the mind yours truly be having a seizure of sorts. Off comes the trench I jam me eyes closed and I can feel her fitting it over me and she is saying (as she puts the car in drive), "Don't you worry none Gabe, I've got ya."
Off she goes me head would have snapped back if it was not so frozen from the takeoff, and I be scared because she's "got" me.
There I was all a worrying and I could feel the heat now coming up me body and I be starting to thaw out. I open one eye to glance at me saviour and thank God she was wearing clothing. I forced the other eye open and realised we were skidding all over the freaking road, four-wheel drive and all, and she be concentrating on not driving off into a ditch. I could feel me body beginning to mold itself to the seat instead of being ramrod straight up and down, not touching the seat for the deep freeze, and I be hopeful I'll be just perfect as soon as I be thawed out.
Finally, I find me voice as we get to me driveway and I say to her, "Lois, why didn't you stop the first time?"
"What first time?"
"When you drove by me the first time. I was stuck in a ditch and I waved and you just kept on going," I said.
"Sorry Gabriel, I didn't see you," she said as we pulled up to me house.
"You were busy singing and bopping to the music," I said as a worried-looking Tonya came out of the house all bundled up.
"Gabe, where have you been?" Tonya demanded.
"I went to get me coat, and on the way, I did have Thanksgiving dinner, but that got stolen right out from in front of me, me car be in a ditch and we probably won't see it for the winter because it be buried in three feet of snow and, and . . . "
"That makes no sense. Here, Lois help me get him out and into the house."
"He's a babbling fool Tonya, I don't know what he's on about. You know Tonya he was skateboarding in the middle of the road out thar and he could have killed his fool self. I mean in all this snow and him with no coat. What a fool of a husband you have thar, Tonya." Lois said as she and Tonya were alternately pushing and pulling me to the door of me house.
"Don't I know that Lois? He's so bull-headed and where did you get a skateboard from Gabe?" Tonya asked.
I couldn't defend meself properly, it was bloody useless, they both had their own ideas of what I was doing and neither was near the truth, but the truth to them was too hard to fathom. So I ended up thawing the rest of me out in front of the fire, the child still playing airplane and me wife at the kitchen table with the flasher neighbour talking about how stupid men are.
I have nothing more to say. Achoo!
Gabe
Copyright © 2008 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
As you know about a week ago, the weather turned a wee bit chilly and yours truly went to put on his fav jackie (jacket) only to find it was gone. Now the thing about this particular piece of comfy warm clothing, was that it had sentimental value and was broken in just the way I like it. To find it missing was baffling because it had hung on the hook in the mud room since we first moved in. I looked behind the door thinking it slid off and was in a heap on the floor, but no it wasn't there. I looked in the closet and my wellies were there, me wife's gardening apron, but no favourite jacket.
I went to the closet in the front hall and no, it wasn't there, I even pulled everything out to be sure. I then went to the attic and saw it wasn't there either. I went to the cellar in the off chance it might be there, and nothing. I went to the bedroom closet and pulled that apart and no, no fav jackie anywhere.
The wife came home from the grocers and of course, as soon as she stepped in the door me questioning started, "Ton, have ya seen me fav jackie? I looked all over and I can't find it."
"Probably in the shed or the attic," she said.
"I already looked and it is not there," I said, thinking more like probably in the trunk of her car not folded but in a crumpled mess thrown in with all manner of leaking things from the groceries on top.
"Oh," says she like a light bulb went off in her head, "THAT rag -- my mother threw out with a bunch of other old things that were taking up space in the mud room."
Be still me heart! I felt like a knife had been plunged deep into me racing heart and twisted, yes twisted. I had to sit down, I was filled with disbelief, and when I finally found me voice (which was a mere croak because of the startling news), it was with a tone of utter sadness I said, "But THAT was me favourite jackie."
I was feeling really sorry for meself and looked up at her from where I sat at the kitchen table, she busily unpacking groceries, the little one on the floor with a toy airplane making all kinds of noise. I realised me puppy dog look and me low pathetic voice was not heard by either of them. I cleared me throat and said it again, this time both of them stopping what they were doing hands in mid-air, one with an airplane aloft, the other a can of Nestle's Quick.
I was told in no uncertain terms to get over meself, the jacket was no more than a rag and I should go buy a new one. This stunned me.
"But, but, but that was me jackie from me university days."
The little one went back to his airplane noises and me wife to put up groceries. There was nothing to do for it, so I heaved a sigh, got me car keys off the peg by the hearth and with me head down in a dejected manner, me huge feet shuffling along as if I were on death row, I headed for the door.
Suddenly it hit me, the "old rag" as Tonya referred to it, must be hanging on some rack at the Salvation Army! Yes, that was it, it wasn't too late, I'd go there and bring me old friend home. Damnit I'd wear it home proudly. So in me car I hopped, got me engine started and off I went down the drive to the old road.
So, here I be driving along when suddenly out of nowhere comes this huge black thing and wham it hits the front of me car sending me careening into a ditch. Me heart was pounding in me chest at the fright. I be like what the hell just happened? I got out of me car to survey the damage and there, yes there on the side of the road was a dead turkey. How fortuitous is this? Thanksgiving is a week away and here is a fresh, at least 30 lb birdie. Forget me front bumper was a mangled mess, forget me wheel hubs were encased in 12 inches of mud, and I had killed me a Thanksgiving turkey!
As I was getting out me mobile phone to call Tonya, a pickup truck stopped just up ahead of me. I clicked the phone shut thinking I've got help to get me out and hey guys look what I got, a turkey! But that didn't go the way I was planning, instead, these three swamp yankees (the equivalent of rednecks down south) jumped out of the truck, picked up me dead birdie and hauled it into the back of the pickup, jumped back in and rode off!
What the f? I be stunned I tell you, stunned. They stole me dinner and they didn't offer to help me. WHO DOES THAT?
Now I be dejected about me situation. And if that isn't bad enough, I be on a backwoods country road where no one travels. I leaned on the bonnet of me damaged vehicle and opened me phone when I heard the sound of a motor coming me way. I clicked the phone shut and went out to the road and I realised I recognised the car. It be me flash happy neighbour and there she is clear as a bell in her four-wheel-drive truck and I be thinking, this be wonderful because I know she can haul me arse out of the ditch. In excited expectation, I start flagging her down by waving me arms wildly in the air, and as she gets closer me face breaks into the biggest old smile ever and WHIZZZZZZZZ by me she goes.
I be what the f? She didn't even look at me she was bouncing around signing and fiddling with the radio and it was obvious she was having a good time, a song fest of her own and totally oblivious to yours truly's situation. Not only had I been robbed, I'd been ignored!
I went back to me broken down car and opened the phone and I realised the phone had no juice. It be dead. Oh great. I be too far to walk home and much too far from a petrol station, and add to that I be on a less travelled road. And it's freaking cold. And, no sooner did I realise that, then snowflakes started to drift by. To make matters even worse, I left the house without a coat. So back to the car I went and I closed the front door and opened the back one looking for one of me son's little blankets. Okay so I'll look like an old lady with a shawl, but at least I'll be warmer than with nothing. Well, usually there are a ton of these old receiving blankets in the backseat, but no not this time. Angry, I slammed the door and got in the front to start the engine so at least I'd have heat, but then I found I couldn't open the door. The inertia switch kicked in because I slammed the back door hard and the whole car was in lockdown.
Begorrah me! Now I have been in a road accident, robbed, ignored, have a dead phone, and to add insult to injury -- been locked out of me own vehicle with snow falling at a pretty steady clip and no coat or child's blanket to keep me warm.
45 minutes later I find meself dancing outside the locked vehicle trying to keep warm when I see headlamps coming from the opposite direction. Blowing on me cold hands I got meself up to the road to try to wave the car down. Well, low and behold the vehicle slows and these two teenage girls roll down their window, and as I go to open me frigid mouth I find me tongue isn't working and I be slurring me words. They looked wide-eyed at me and one said, "Go, he's drunk! Step on the gas," and away they zoomed.
What the F? I be so cold I be sneezing me fool head off, so bad tears are running down me cheeks turning to ice, glueing me eyelids shut so I can hardly see. I hear another motor and ever hopeful I won't be left to die in the blizzard that is now raging around me, going on an hour of exposure, I see the headlamps and I try to wave, but me arms are so frozen to me chest I can't lift them and I can hardly see for the ice on me eyelashes, and you already know me voice was gone because the chill had frozen me tongue to the roof of me mouth, so this was me about to get desperate and throw me ice cube of a body at the moving vehicle. I started to, but I slipped on the icy pavement and went zooming across the road like an ice rocket into the drifting snow. Talk about being cold, that was the end of all the chills that snow drift. Luckily I wasn't run over, but I saw in me free slide across the path of the oncoming car lights with snow clearly falling in buckets, headlamps illuminating the skid mark.
A familiar voice comes through my icy consciousness, "Gabriel, oh my Gabriel are you all right? Oh my dear Gawd what are you doing trying to skateboard across a snowy road and dear Gawd where is your coat?"
It be the flasher neighbour, and I tried to blink up at her for communication purposes since me mouth didn't work, but she didn't get it. She tried to lift me block of ice body upward but I couldn't help and I couldn't bend so frozen was it. She slid me like a sleigh by pulling me by the feet, then somehow she got me upright and jammed me no longer flexible body into the passenger side of her truck. I was stiff as a board, me feet were wedged to the floor, me arms to me chest and I was straight like a mummy. The heat that was coming in from under the dash hurt like bloody hell because it was so hot it felt cold and I couldn't scream like I wanted to, all I could do was make these Boris Karloff noises and all I got was, "Oh dear Gawd," from me rescuer.
She started to take off that awful trench coat of hers and I struggled for all I was worth to try to get me arms to move away from their frozen position over me chest to stop her because I truly did not want to see her exposing her naked self to me like she does when she sees me mowing the lawn. I be in true terror now and she be of the mind yours truly be having a seizure of sorts. Off comes the trench I jam me eyes closed and I can feel her fitting it over me and she is saying (as she puts the car in drive), "Don't you worry none Gabe, I've got ya."
Off she goes me head would have snapped back if it was not so frozen from the takeoff, and I be scared because she's "got" me.
There I was all a worrying and I could feel the heat now coming up me body and I be starting to thaw out. I open one eye to glance at me saviour and thank God she was wearing clothing. I forced the other eye open and realised we were skidding all over the freaking road, four-wheel drive and all, and she be concentrating on not driving off into a ditch. I could feel me body beginning to mold itself to the seat instead of being ramrod straight up and down, not touching the seat for the deep freeze, and I be hopeful I'll be just perfect as soon as I be thawed out.
Finally, I find me voice as we get to me driveway and I say to her, "Lois, why didn't you stop the first time?"
"What first time?"
"When you drove by me the first time. I was stuck in a ditch and I waved and you just kept on going," I said.
"Sorry Gabriel, I didn't see you," she said as we pulled up to me house.
"You were busy singing and bopping to the music," I said as a worried-looking Tonya came out of the house all bundled up.
"Gabe, where have you been?" Tonya demanded.
"I went to get me coat, and on the way, I did have Thanksgiving dinner, but that got stolen right out from in front of me, me car be in a ditch and we probably won't see it for the winter because it be buried in three feet of snow and, and . . . "
"That makes no sense. Here, Lois help me get him out and into the house."
"He's a babbling fool Tonya, I don't know what he's on about. You know Tonya he was skateboarding in the middle of the road out thar and he could have killed his fool self. I mean in all this snow and him with no coat. What a fool of a husband you have thar, Tonya." Lois said as she and Tonya were alternately pushing and pulling me to the door of me house.
"Don't I know that Lois? He's so bull-headed and where did you get a skateboard from Gabe?" Tonya asked.
I couldn't defend meself properly, it was bloody useless, they both had their own ideas of what I was doing and neither was near the truth, but the truth to them was too hard to fathom. So I ended up thawing the rest of me out in front of the fire, the child still playing airplane and me wife at the kitchen table with the flasher neighbour talking about how stupid men are.
I have nothing more to say. Achoo!
Gabe
Copyright © 2008 All rights reserved
