17 February 2013
633
R. Linda:
The Dragon Lady is here. What is supposed to be a weekend visit I suspect will go into a week or more. That means Gabe will volunteer to work late hours to avoid having to make nice with the Dragon lady.
Today, I cannot get away and worse it be snowing so I be stuck inside with her. I went into the lounge to have me cup of joe thinking I could read me morning paper and look busy, only the paper hadn't come OR it was buried under the snow. I took meself to the lounge anyway thinking she'd linger at the kitchen table, but no she came in and plopped herself down with her cup of joe and asked me if the car plow was operational, as it looked like I would be needing it. I told her it had been junked for the past two years (SIGH) and that I needed to buy a cheap truck to get the full benefit of it. (For the story on the car plow see 01/02/10 The original, the one, the only -- CAR PLOW!)
"Well," says she, "you could get rid of the Saturn and buy something with some zoom and use it for both business and plowing."
"Ya mean ride around with the plow attached to it 24/7," I said looking at her like she was the nutter she be.
"Why not? I notice the lumberjacks up here have snow plows on their vehicles in the summer as well as the winter."
This observation be accurate I hate to say. We have snow year-round and it is not unheard of for blizzards to invade in April and even July. I ignored her the best I could.
"Now let's see, what kind of big engine car could Gabriel buy that will look nice for business but do the plowing." She was serious, really serious and I was stunned she was voicing what she was, but why I would be I have notta clue, we are talking Dragon-in-law and she never makes any bit of sense to me.
"Well, a friend of mine had a Ferrari, lots of ZOOM, if only I could afford that . . . " I said in jest.
"Oh no, you can't afford one of THOSE but you could look for a used something . . . like . . . what's that zoom zoom commercial for, what kind of vehicle?" She said all into this nonsense.
"Oh yes, a Mazda, zoom zoom. Like THAT would be any better than the Saturn."
"No, a Lexus like your father-in-law, Mr. Abdullah has." She said knowing perfectly well I know who Mr. Abdullah is. Gees the woman!
"A used one. Cost me what a new Saturn (IF they were making them) would and a little more. I don't think so." I said talking like she was crazy to suggest such.
"Gabriel, you throw a few more dollars into it and you could have those dollars back in no time. One winter and you'll be good to go."
"How do you figure?" I bit, I know I should have gotten up and left, but I was mesmerised by her logic or lack thereof.
"I'd say with all that engine power and oh . . . don't forget the heated seats, you could have your driveway, er . . . whatever that is out there AND your neighbours drive done in less than five seconds. Heck for that matter you could do your neighbour's driveways on BOTH sides of the road in fifteen minutes flat ZOOM and get paid. If you get a really good winter those extra bucks will become a profit."
I had enough, I couldn't imagine a Lexus with a plow on the front, just like I couldn't imagine a Ferrari with one either. It seemed obscene somehow. I got up shaking my head and left her. Yes, I did. She's crazy, C R A Z Y!
Later when I thought it was safe to go back in the lounge I got me another cuppa joe and sat meself down (still no newspaper) ready to turn the telly on to CNN. Just as I picked up the clicker she came gliding into the room and sat down. I took a double take because she looked a lot different than she usually does.
"What have you done to yourself?" I asked mindlessly dropping the clicker such was me shock.
"I am waiting seven to ten minutes for the instant facelift to take effect." She said.
I was speechless. She looked like she had a face full of Botox, there was not a line on her face and the puffy bags under her eyes were hardly noticeable.
"Uh . . . what did you do?" I asked tentatively.
"I put this stuff I saw on Dr. Oz on and it's supposed to knock off anywhere from three to ten years."
"OK," I said frowning I was getting rather scared of the transformation which seemed to be continuing before me very eyes.
"Do I look different?" She asked leaning forward for me to get the full effect.
I jumped back but managed to croak out that yes, yes she did.
"In a good way? Do not make me frown I have to let this stuff set," She said.
"Em . . . yes, yes in a good way." More like a scary way, but I know better than to be that honest. But she did look younger, I'll give her that.
"Okay, time to go wash the residue off. It's supposed to last all day." She said and left me scratching me head.
I did not see her until an hour later at lunch and I thought she looked like her face would crack from all the makeup. Whatever that serum was, it was soaking her makeup into her skin and she looked like she was wearing a mask. But even more obvious was something else that me eldest had no trouble pointing out.
"Gee Grandma wots all dat whitish green stuff on yer face? Does it glow in da dark?"
Yup he did, he said that loud and clear and she immediately took off for a mirror. Tonya stood with her lips pressed together, eyebrows raised in amusement at our seven-year-old honest enquiry and then she looked at me, "Don't you dare say a word."
"I won't," I said as the Dragon shouted she'd be at to table in about five minutes, to start without her.
"Oh my," Tonya said sitting down.
"Really Tonya? Your mother be scary sometimes."
"Hush, little ears you know." She said indicating the two well-behaved children munching on their peanut butter and jelly sannies. She craned her head to see if her mother was within hearing distance. She wasn't so she leaned towards me and whispered, "I don't have the heart to tell her that she looks weird, but I'm not used to seeing my mother younger. Maybe that's it."
"No," I whispered back, "that stuff is pulling her face like it's made of plastic and it gives her an unnatural appearance, but the makeup Tonya, I don't know that THAT applied on top of that stuff doesn't makes her appear like she's ready for Halloween trick or treat! It has dried out her face! You've got to tell her."
"Ohhh no, not me, YOU."
"NO! She doesn't like me already," I said.
"Wot are ya two whisperin' bout?" O'Hare asked all interested.
"Nuthin'." We both said at once.
Dragon came in and that was the end of that. She had scrubbed everything off and was back to the sag and bags. A look I was more used to. I know I should be taken out and shot for that, but it is TRUE!
No one said anything, though about two hours later O'Hare wanted to play vampires and he asked her if he could use some of that vampire makeup the old Dragon had. She was all upset by that I could tell but she kept her cool. The young one was told no he could not have it, but that did not stop him. No, about twenty minutes later, we were all in the living room when he came dressed in last year's Halloween costume Dracula, with a face that looked like he was a newborn vampire all awash in a whitish-green glow. One look and Guido jumped up in terror screaming, his arms glued to his sides, tears rolling down from his very wide-open eyes, his mouth in a big 'O'. That is when we all were jolted to look at the ghoulish figure standing in the doorway in a vampire pose. I tell ya!
Both women were horrified and THAT was the reaction he was going for. He had gobbed that expensive crap on his face where it had tightened like a full balloon. I had a hard time looking at him he looked so surreal. He was pleased with the reactions and came at each of us snarling with the false fangs in the tight glowing face, the black costume setting it off even more so. I tell ya if I didn't know what he did to achieve that ghastly effect I would have run from the room!
To his immense disappointment, his mother took him by the ear and had him wash that junk off. He was very unhappy about that as you can imagine. I did ask to take a picture, but his mother snarled I would be encouraging him, so I didn't get to grace the blog page with his ghastly image. An image that will give me nightmares for a lot of nights I be sure.
Well, with all the excitement over and one sulking child, the other still not going near his brother he might not "transform" into that ghastly thing, we sort of settled down to an afternoon of calm. At least I was hoping for that.
Dragon had disappeared in the guest room for a while I assume to hide the ghoul serum but she came pattering out just a few minutes ago. I had finally found the newspaper under the snow and thanked the Fates the newsboy had wrapped it in plastic so it was readable. I was onto page five when SHE came waltzing in and stopped, looking at me with a peculiar expression which made me ask "What?"
"Are you sick? You don't look well." Says she.
"No. I'm well. Why?" I asked perplexed at this sudden enquiry into me health.
"I don't know you just don't look good."
This got me up and I went to the mirror and I could see nothing different in me appearance. I chalked it up to her getting a dig at me for the ghoul serum that I lied and said she looked forty years younger wearing. I know, I shouldn't have, but when O'Hare was being scrubbed by Tonya to get the stuff off, the Dragon had said how disappointed she was in spending money on such a waste. I told her that I thought it took forty years off her. She knew I was lying, and this was her way to get me back, the gaslight treatment.
I asked me wife if I looked ill, and the answer was no, why did I feel ill? Ugh.
So I went back to me paper and just a few minutes ago, Tonya suggested she make cocoa from scratch with marshmallows and the boys were sort of back to normal, though I noticed Guido does keep a two-arm reach distance from his brother, but as Dragon got up and asked me whether I was coming in the kitchen, to which I said no, I wanted to finish me paper, she replied, "Well, I hope you feel better!"
SIGH
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
The Dragon Lady is here. What is supposed to be a weekend visit I suspect will go into a week or more. That means Gabe will volunteer to work late hours to avoid having to make nice with the Dragon lady.
Today, I cannot get away and worse it be snowing so I be stuck inside with her. I went into the lounge to have me cup of joe thinking I could read me morning paper and look busy, only the paper hadn't come OR it was buried under the snow. I took meself to the lounge anyway thinking she'd linger at the kitchen table, but no she came in and plopped herself down with her cup of joe and asked me if the car plow was operational, as it looked like I would be needing it. I told her it had been junked for the past two years (SIGH) and that I needed to buy a cheap truck to get the full benefit of it. (For the story on the car plow see 01/02/10 The original, the one, the only -- CAR PLOW!)
"Well," says she, "you could get rid of the Saturn and buy something with some zoom and use it for both business and plowing."
"Ya mean ride around with the plow attached to it 24/7," I said looking at her like she was the nutter she be.
"Why not? I notice the lumberjacks up here have snow plows on their vehicles in the summer as well as the winter."
This observation be accurate I hate to say. We have snow year-round and it is not unheard of for blizzards to invade in April and even July. I ignored her the best I could.
"Now let's see, what kind of big engine car could Gabriel buy that will look nice for business but do the plowing." She was serious, really serious and I was stunned she was voicing what she was, but why I would be I have notta clue, we are talking Dragon-in-law and she never makes any bit of sense to me.
"Well, a friend of mine had a Ferrari, lots of ZOOM, if only I could afford that . . . " I said in jest.
"Oh no, you can't afford one of THOSE but you could look for a used something . . . like . . . what's that zoom zoom commercial for, what kind of vehicle?" She said all into this nonsense.
"Oh yes, a Mazda, zoom zoom. Like THAT would be any better than the Saturn."
"No, a Lexus like your father-in-law, Mr. Abdullah has." She said knowing perfectly well I know who Mr. Abdullah is. Gees the woman!
"A used one. Cost me what a new Saturn (IF they were making them) would and a little more. I don't think so." I said talking like she was crazy to suggest such.
"Gabriel, you throw a few more dollars into it and you could have those dollars back in no time. One winter and you'll be good to go."
"How do you figure?" I bit, I know I should have gotten up and left, but I was mesmerised by her logic or lack thereof.
"I'd say with all that engine power and oh . . . don't forget the heated seats, you could have your driveway, er . . . whatever that is out there AND your neighbours drive done in less than five seconds. Heck for that matter you could do your neighbour's driveways on BOTH sides of the road in fifteen minutes flat ZOOM and get paid. If you get a really good winter those extra bucks will become a profit."
I had enough, I couldn't imagine a Lexus with a plow on the front, just like I couldn't imagine a Ferrari with one either. It seemed obscene somehow. I got up shaking my head and left her. Yes, I did. She's crazy, C R A Z Y!
Later when I thought it was safe to go back in the lounge I got me another cuppa joe and sat meself down (still no newspaper) ready to turn the telly on to CNN. Just as I picked up the clicker she came gliding into the room and sat down. I took a double take because she looked a lot different than she usually does.
"What have you done to yourself?" I asked mindlessly dropping the clicker such was me shock.
"I am waiting seven to ten minutes for the instant facelift to take effect." She said.
I was speechless. She looked like she had a face full of Botox, there was not a line on her face and the puffy bags under her eyes were hardly noticeable.
"Uh . . . what did you do?" I asked tentatively.
"I put this stuff I saw on Dr. Oz on and it's supposed to knock off anywhere from three to ten years."
"OK," I said frowning I was getting rather scared of the transformation which seemed to be continuing before me very eyes.
"Do I look different?" She asked leaning forward for me to get the full effect.
I jumped back but managed to croak out that yes, yes she did.
"In a good way? Do not make me frown I have to let this stuff set," She said.
"Em . . . yes, yes in a good way." More like a scary way, but I know better than to be that honest. But she did look younger, I'll give her that.
"Okay, time to go wash the residue off. It's supposed to last all day." She said and left me scratching me head.
I did not see her until an hour later at lunch and I thought she looked like her face would crack from all the makeup. Whatever that serum was, it was soaking her makeup into her skin and she looked like she was wearing a mask. But even more obvious was something else that me eldest had no trouble pointing out.
"Gee Grandma wots all dat whitish green stuff on yer face? Does it glow in da dark?"
Yup he did, he said that loud and clear and she immediately took off for a mirror. Tonya stood with her lips pressed together, eyebrows raised in amusement at our seven-year-old honest enquiry and then she looked at me, "Don't you dare say a word."
"I won't," I said as the Dragon shouted she'd be at to table in about five minutes, to start without her.
"Oh my," Tonya said sitting down.
"Really Tonya? Your mother be scary sometimes."
"Hush, little ears you know." She said indicating the two well-behaved children munching on their peanut butter and jelly sannies. She craned her head to see if her mother was within hearing distance. She wasn't so she leaned towards me and whispered, "I don't have the heart to tell her that she looks weird, but I'm not used to seeing my mother younger. Maybe that's it."
"No," I whispered back, "that stuff is pulling her face like it's made of plastic and it gives her an unnatural appearance, but the makeup Tonya, I don't know that THAT applied on top of that stuff doesn't makes her appear like she's ready for Halloween trick or treat! It has dried out her face! You've got to tell her."
"Ohhh no, not me, YOU."
"NO! She doesn't like me already," I said.
"Wot are ya two whisperin' bout?" O'Hare asked all interested.
"Nuthin'." We both said at once.
Dragon came in and that was the end of that. She had scrubbed everything off and was back to the sag and bags. A look I was more used to. I know I should be taken out and shot for that, but it is TRUE!
No one said anything, though about two hours later O'Hare wanted to play vampires and he asked her if he could use some of that vampire makeup the old Dragon had. She was all upset by that I could tell but she kept her cool. The young one was told no he could not have it, but that did not stop him. No, about twenty minutes later, we were all in the living room when he came dressed in last year's Halloween costume Dracula, with a face that looked like he was a newborn vampire all awash in a whitish-green glow. One look and Guido jumped up in terror screaming, his arms glued to his sides, tears rolling down from his very wide-open eyes, his mouth in a big 'O'. That is when we all were jolted to look at the ghoulish figure standing in the doorway in a vampire pose. I tell ya!
Both women were horrified and THAT was the reaction he was going for. He had gobbed that expensive crap on his face where it had tightened like a full balloon. I had a hard time looking at him he looked so surreal. He was pleased with the reactions and came at each of us snarling with the false fangs in the tight glowing face, the black costume setting it off even more so. I tell ya if I didn't know what he did to achieve that ghastly effect I would have run from the room!
To his immense disappointment, his mother took him by the ear and had him wash that junk off. He was very unhappy about that as you can imagine. I did ask to take a picture, but his mother snarled I would be encouraging him, so I didn't get to grace the blog page with his ghastly image. An image that will give me nightmares for a lot of nights I be sure.
Well, with all the excitement over and one sulking child, the other still not going near his brother he might not "transform" into that ghastly thing, we sort of settled down to an afternoon of calm. At least I was hoping for that.
Dragon had disappeared in the guest room for a while I assume to hide the ghoul serum but she came pattering out just a few minutes ago. I had finally found the newspaper under the snow and thanked the Fates the newsboy had wrapped it in plastic so it was readable. I was onto page five when SHE came waltzing in and stopped, looking at me with a peculiar expression which made me ask "What?"
"Are you sick? You don't look well." Says she.
"No. I'm well. Why?" I asked perplexed at this sudden enquiry into me health.
"I don't know you just don't look good."
This got me up and I went to the mirror and I could see nothing different in me appearance. I chalked it up to her getting a dig at me for the ghoul serum that I lied and said she looked forty years younger wearing. I know, I shouldn't have, but when O'Hare was being scrubbed by Tonya to get the stuff off, the Dragon had said how disappointed she was in spending money on such a waste. I told her that I thought it took forty years off her. She knew I was lying, and this was her way to get me back, the gaslight treatment.
I asked me wife if I looked ill, and the answer was no, why did I feel ill? Ugh.
So I went back to me paper and just a few minutes ago, Tonya suggested she make cocoa from scratch with marshmallows and the boys were sort of back to normal, though I noticed Guido does keep a two-arm reach distance from his brother, but as Dragon got up and asked me whether I was coming in the kitchen, to which I said no, I wanted to finish me paper, she replied, "Well, I hope you feel better!"
SIGH
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
