23 July 2011
434
R. Linda:
So Saturday morning (the day of the wedding) dawned with light rain. Yeah sleeping-in weather, but didn't happen. I thought we were to have breakfast at the hotel all 150 of us (kidding, most of them were staying at other hotels). I thought the families of the bride and groom would have breakfast at leisure in the hotel. But that isn't how it works in Holland. No, no one told me the reception begins FIRST. Yes, it does, and not everyone is invited! It seems the wedding is broken up into sections, so everyone can come to some part of the big day to celebrate. Who knew? So, reception first and for THAT extended family, close friends, and immediate family, were invited. This lasts a whole 30 minutes! It was mostly giving the couple bridal gifts and wishing them happiness. After the reception, you go with the couple to register. Like I said, who knew?
So we all schlepped to the church and picked up more invited guests along the way to where the civil servant was waiting, having met with the happy couple before the ceremony some months ago, had the proper paperwork ready and then regaled those of us invited to the registration with the couple's "love story" and oh my how we had to stand there with frozen smiles listening as the happy couple looked lovingly into each other's eyes. BARF. So after that, we all witnessed the ceremony in the church, and those who were newly arrived gave gifts for their happy union, while the rest of us stood around and made small talk. I got caught up in conversation with the civil servant and it was only at Tonya's urging I remembered me stomach was empty, so we went out of the church to find our ride was gone. WHAT TO DO? And there was still light rain.
"Oh great Gabriel, everyone is gone. I am not walking all the way to the banquet place. Gees almighty!" Tonya stamped her foot.
"Wait here, I know, I have an idea," I ran across the way and got a bicycle built for two with directions to the banquet place, someplace called Surprise Castle. You have to know the streets were pedestrian and only bikes or foot traffic were the main modes of transport. Going down the middle of the street are canals and we weren't about to swim.
"NO, you have got to be kidding," Tonya said on seeing the bike. "I can't ride on that in a long gown and high heels are you crazy? And we'll be soaked by the time we get there."
"Oh come on Ton, it'll be a memory we'll tell our kids about," I said and got on the front. The guy from the bike rental came over with a bungee cord and offered her some hiking up-the-dress advice. She wrapped the cord around her waist after hiking up the gown and putting the cord over it to keep it from getting caught in the greasy bike chain. He was prepared the man was, he pulled out a plastic trash liner and helped her tuck that around her dress to keep it dry and then fashioned a poncho out of another plastic trash liner for the top of her (she was a sight), and then he had a bike helmet so the hairdo might get a little smashed, but it would be at least somewhat dry. I was outfitted with a trash liner poncho and helmet as well, so we were set to go biking!
"I can't believe I'm doing this in public," she moaned at me as I tried to get my balance with her on the back. "My dress will be ruined and I cannot believe what I must look like. Ugh!"
In fact, she looked the more comical of the two of us, but I kept me piehole shut on that observation.
"Tonya! Can ya stop wiggling? We'll be falling off, just stay STILL!" I said trying to start off and not fall.
"I'm doing the best I can!" She hissed at me. "Talk about feeling self-conscious!"
Off we went, she in a long gown and trash liners complaining her gown would wrinkle, me in a tuxedo, oblivious to her complaints, to the looks of a lot of amused Hollanders. But we got there. The directions were spot on except for one thing, the place wasn't a castle.
"Surprise!" Tonya said a huge grin on her face. "That's why it's called Surprise Castle because there isn't one." She laughed as I chained the bike for pick-up.
"Gees Louise," I muttered as we went inside the square building that was anything but a castle. I found out later that isn't the name of the place at all, it was just a joke me in-laws were having because the idiots back home thought Holland was full of castles and were all excited to see someone married in one. I tell ya Americans are something else sometimes, windmills are not castles!
I was hungry by then, all that peddling had me working up an appetite, especially since the nameless woman on the back of the bike did nothing but coast along, so we got to our table giving our apology to the head table and I noticed it was only the immediate families in attendance for the wedding dinner, which was really a late luncheon. This was closed to the other guests which made me wonder what they were doing while we feasted without them.
I didn't have long to wait, as we were finishing up, I could see in the four doorways of the wedding banquet hall the other guests arriving and it dawned on me that all the empty tables that were set up were for the AFTER DINNER PARTY. This guest list included even more people than at the reception, the first one. A live band came in and set up to play music and while they were doing that, the new guests came in with wedding presents and presented them to the happy couple while dishes were cleared and the band got tuned up. Then it was like a reception and dinner all over again! I just didn't get it, but my tum was full and happy.
The best was the cake, I take back all I said about being bored with a cake. This was a confection I had never seen the like before and was not likely to forget anytime soon. It was a monstrosity the happy couple designed full of thick confectionery tulips. I kept staring at the cake wondering what it was about it looked familiar. I noticed as did everyone else just what it was that looked familiar. As the cake was rolled in, heads did double takes and mouths hung open in shock. Then it hit everyone at the same time. The confection tulips looked like coloured penises but what can I say? I wasn't the only one who thought that, EVERYONE thought that. The women had odd fascinated expressions on their countenances when walking up to it for a closer look, and they stared at it with dazed smiling faces. But wait, it gets better. On the top was a giant tulip with a plastic groom and bride. It looked like Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors was about to eat the plastic couple. It was a giant open purple tulip and I could not look away from it. I was fascinated by the symbolism, but I said nothing, but the woman standing next to me muttered to herself, "I've never seen one that big and thick before." I wasn't sure I wanted a piece of that cake after that, but I was given one anyway. It had a row of yellow, red and purple penises, I mean tulips, and it made me squeamish it did. It was the gaudiest and most sexist cake I'd ever seen. I had to take another look at the bride and wonder where her mind was, well we know where it was.
"So Tonya, did your brother and the new wife go to the Homegrown Fantasy place first before they picked out the cake?"
"Hum, looks like it," Tonya poked at a yellow penis with her cake fork. "Or, the red light district, not sure which, probably both by the looks of it."
"I hate to say this," I said cutting up the cake portion to reveal little green bits in the cooked batter, "but is this what I think it be? Are we, and everyone else about to bite into hashish wedding cake covered in penises?"
Tonya started laughing so hard it was infectious and the two of us were sitting there with our faces red from laughter and our napkins over our mouths, desperately trying to regain any sense of decorum we could, but we couldn't do it to save our lives. It only took one look at the cake slices and we were under the table as if looking for a dropped napkin, our bodies shaking with mirth. We had to be under that table for no less than 20 minutes looking for our composure and when we did find it, it didn't come completely. It didn't take much but a look at our plates and the laughter started all over again and worse was the bride's sister with a large glob of red penis on her fork looking at it cross-eyed as if she just then realised what she had on her fork, and back under the table went Tonya and me. We spent most of the reception under the table wiping each other's tears of unadulterated amusement.
We were saved from tasting the sugary confection by the call of the photographer's assistant to come out in the courtyard for picture taking. Relieved, we got up and followed the wedding party. There was a short break in the weather so out we went to the wet grass and admired the real tulips or at least I think they were tulips, I was still seeing you know what. Anyway, just off to the left was a white privacy fence where a private residence backed up to the 'Castle's' courtyard. There was a sign on the fence and Dragon read it then came over and whispered to me, "Beware the Spaniard," I was like what? I turned and looked at the sign that said "Beware the spaniel". OH MY GOD the woman. I looked over the fence and there was a spaniel on his tether who sleepily looked up at me from his doggy house. I moved back and shook me head at Dragon and made like I was tiptoeing away, and I put a finger to me lips in quiet and whispered, "He's sleeping, mustn't wake him, he's very big and hairy and looks mean." She replied, "Oh yes," and slipped away to where the photographer was setting up his shot. I tell ya that cataract surgery did nothing for Dragon's eyesight. She needs brain surgery be what she needs! Spaniard indeed!
So after all was said and done, I found we didn't have to rent a bicycle, we could have taken a water taxi down the canal and been sheltered and dry. Live and learn right? The next day everyone got up early, but I didn't. I had a devil of two nights of trying not to squeak the springs because the in-laws would hear and think we were doing the naughty. I was trying not to move too much, so that meant I hardly slept. So while they all went to the Anne Frank House, and the Van Gogh Museum, the younger crowd went on the cannabis walking tour, and I slept. I got on the plane and I slept again. And when I got home I fell into bed and slept some more. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. No, I would rather just stay home and sleep. Oh, and another good thing was, I am glad they don't give drug tests at the airport. Think about it.
By the way, Amsterdam is a wonderful place to visit, that is, what me stoned self remembers of it. I found enough English spoken I had no trouble getting by. I also think the canals lit up at night are simply magical, and the buildings are a style you will not see anywhere but in Holland. And the gardens (we passed by some on the way to the airport), rival our English gardens, just spectacular! I hope to go back when I be not so sleep-deprived (no more 7 p.m. flights arriving at 5 a.m. which be around 11 a.m. there), though I found the free use of cannabis rather astounding. I did not know it was legal. I knew prostitution was, but well, there you are if you want a walk on the wild side and a little education as well, Amsterdam -- the place to visit (another on me revisit list besides Denmark).
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
So Saturday morning (the day of the wedding) dawned with light rain. Yeah sleeping-in weather, but didn't happen. I thought we were to have breakfast at the hotel all 150 of us (kidding, most of them were staying at other hotels). I thought the families of the bride and groom would have breakfast at leisure in the hotel. But that isn't how it works in Holland. No, no one told me the reception begins FIRST. Yes, it does, and not everyone is invited! It seems the wedding is broken up into sections, so everyone can come to some part of the big day to celebrate. Who knew? So, reception first and for THAT extended family, close friends, and immediate family, were invited. This lasts a whole 30 minutes! It was mostly giving the couple bridal gifts and wishing them happiness. After the reception, you go with the couple to register. Like I said, who knew?
So we all schlepped to the church and picked up more invited guests along the way to where the civil servant was waiting, having met with the happy couple before the ceremony some months ago, had the proper paperwork ready and then regaled those of us invited to the registration with the couple's "love story" and oh my how we had to stand there with frozen smiles listening as the happy couple looked lovingly into each other's eyes. BARF. So after that, we all witnessed the ceremony in the church, and those who were newly arrived gave gifts for their happy union, while the rest of us stood around and made small talk. I got caught up in conversation with the civil servant and it was only at Tonya's urging I remembered me stomach was empty, so we went out of the church to find our ride was gone. WHAT TO DO? And there was still light rain.
"Oh great Gabriel, everyone is gone. I am not walking all the way to the banquet place. Gees almighty!" Tonya stamped her foot.
"Wait here, I know, I have an idea," I ran across the way and got a bicycle built for two with directions to the banquet place, someplace called Surprise Castle. You have to know the streets were pedestrian and only bikes or foot traffic were the main modes of transport. Going down the middle of the street are canals and we weren't about to swim.
"NO, you have got to be kidding," Tonya said on seeing the bike. "I can't ride on that in a long gown and high heels are you crazy? And we'll be soaked by the time we get there."
"Oh come on Ton, it'll be a memory we'll tell our kids about," I said and got on the front. The guy from the bike rental came over with a bungee cord and offered her some hiking up-the-dress advice. She wrapped the cord around her waist after hiking up the gown and putting the cord over it to keep it from getting caught in the greasy bike chain. He was prepared the man was, he pulled out a plastic trash liner and helped her tuck that around her dress to keep it dry and then fashioned a poncho out of another plastic trash liner for the top of her (she was a sight), and then he had a bike helmet so the hairdo might get a little smashed, but it would be at least somewhat dry. I was outfitted with a trash liner poncho and helmet as well, so we were set to go biking!
"I can't believe I'm doing this in public," she moaned at me as I tried to get my balance with her on the back. "My dress will be ruined and I cannot believe what I must look like. Ugh!"
In fact, she looked the more comical of the two of us, but I kept me piehole shut on that observation.
"Tonya! Can ya stop wiggling? We'll be falling off, just stay STILL!" I said trying to start off and not fall.
"I'm doing the best I can!" She hissed at me. "Talk about feeling self-conscious!"
Off we went, she in a long gown and trash liners complaining her gown would wrinkle, me in a tuxedo, oblivious to her complaints, to the looks of a lot of amused Hollanders. But we got there. The directions were spot on except for one thing, the place wasn't a castle.
"Surprise!" Tonya said a huge grin on her face. "That's why it's called Surprise Castle because there isn't one." She laughed as I chained the bike for pick-up.
"Gees Louise," I muttered as we went inside the square building that was anything but a castle. I found out later that isn't the name of the place at all, it was just a joke me in-laws were having because the idiots back home thought Holland was full of castles and were all excited to see someone married in one. I tell ya Americans are something else sometimes, windmills are not castles!
I was hungry by then, all that peddling had me working up an appetite, especially since the nameless woman on the back of the bike did nothing but coast along, so we got to our table giving our apology to the head table and I noticed it was only the immediate families in attendance for the wedding dinner, which was really a late luncheon. This was closed to the other guests which made me wonder what they were doing while we feasted without them.
I didn't have long to wait, as we were finishing up, I could see in the four doorways of the wedding banquet hall the other guests arriving and it dawned on me that all the empty tables that were set up were for the AFTER DINNER PARTY. This guest list included even more people than at the reception, the first one. A live band came in and set up to play music and while they were doing that, the new guests came in with wedding presents and presented them to the happy couple while dishes were cleared and the band got tuned up. Then it was like a reception and dinner all over again! I just didn't get it, but my tum was full and happy.
The best was the cake, I take back all I said about being bored with a cake. This was a confection I had never seen the like before and was not likely to forget anytime soon. It was a monstrosity the happy couple designed full of thick confectionery tulips. I kept staring at the cake wondering what it was about it looked familiar. I noticed as did everyone else just what it was that looked familiar. As the cake was rolled in, heads did double takes and mouths hung open in shock. Then it hit everyone at the same time. The confection tulips looked like coloured penises but what can I say? I wasn't the only one who thought that, EVERYONE thought that. The women had odd fascinated expressions on their countenances when walking up to it for a closer look, and they stared at it with dazed smiling faces. But wait, it gets better. On the top was a giant tulip with a plastic groom and bride. It looked like Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors was about to eat the plastic couple. It was a giant open purple tulip and I could not look away from it. I was fascinated by the symbolism, but I said nothing, but the woman standing next to me muttered to herself, "I've never seen one that big and thick before." I wasn't sure I wanted a piece of that cake after that, but I was given one anyway. It had a row of yellow, red and purple penises, I mean tulips, and it made me squeamish it did. It was the gaudiest and most sexist cake I'd ever seen. I had to take another look at the bride and wonder where her mind was, well we know where it was.
"So Tonya, did your brother and the new wife go to the Homegrown Fantasy place first before they picked out the cake?"
"Hum, looks like it," Tonya poked at a yellow penis with her cake fork. "Or, the red light district, not sure which, probably both by the looks of it."
"I hate to say this," I said cutting up the cake portion to reveal little green bits in the cooked batter, "but is this what I think it be? Are we, and everyone else about to bite into hashish wedding cake covered in penises?"
Tonya started laughing so hard it was infectious and the two of us were sitting there with our faces red from laughter and our napkins over our mouths, desperately trying to regain any sense of decorum we could, but we couldn't do it to save our lives. It only took one look at the cake slices and we were under the table as if looking for a dropped napkin, our bodies shaking with mirth. We had to be under that table for no less than 20 minutes looking for our composure and when we did find it, it didn't come completely. It didn't take much but a look at our plates and the laughter started all over again and worse was the bride's sister with a large glob of red penis on her fork looking at it cross-eyed as if she just then realised what she had on her fork, and back under the table went Tonya and me. We spent most of the reception under the table wiping each other's tears of unadulterated amusement.
We were saved from tasting the sugary confection by the call of the photographer's assistant to come out in the courtyard for picture taking. Relieved, we got up and followed the wedding party. There was a short break in the weather so out we went to the wet grass and admired the real tulips or at least I think they were tulips, I was still seeing you know what. Anyway, just off to the left was a white privacy fence where a private residence backed up to the 'Castle's' courtyard. There was a sign on the fence and Dragon read it then came over and whispered to me, "Beware the Spaniard," I was like what? I turned and looked at the sign that said "Beware the spaniel". OH MY GOD the woman. I looked over the fence and there was a spaniel on his tether who sleepily looked up at me from his doggy house. I moved back and shook me head at Dragon and made like I was tiptoeing away, and I put a finger to me lips in quiet and whispered, "He's sleeping, mustn't wake him, he's very big and hairy and looks mean." She replied, "Oh yes," and slipped away to where the photographer was setting up his shot. I tell ya that cataract surgery did nothing for Dragon's eyesight. She needs brain surgery be what she needs! Spaniard indeed!
So after all was said and done, I found we didn't have to rent a bicycle, we could have taken a water taxi down the canal and been sheltered and dry. Live and learn right? The next day everyone got up early, but I didn't. I had a devil of two nights of trying not to squeak the springs because the in-laws would hear and think we were doing the naughty. I was trying not to move too much, so that meant I hardly slept. So while they all went to the Anne Frank House, and the Van Gogh Museum, the younger crowd went on the cannabis walking tour, and I slept. I got on the plane and I slept again. And when I got home I fell into bed and slept some more. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. No, I would rather just stay home and sleep. Oh, and another good thing was, I am glad they don't give drug tests at the airport. Think about it.
By the way, Amsterdam is a wonderful place to visit, that is, what me stoned self remembers of it. I found enough English spoken I had no trouble getting by. I also think the canals lit up at night are simply magical, and the buildings are a style you will not see anywhere but in Holland. And the gardens (we passed by some on the way to the airport), rival our English gardens, just spectacular! I hope to go back when I be not so sleep-deprived (no more 7 p.m. flights arriving at 5 a.m. which be around 11 a.m. there), though I found the free use of cannabis rather astounding. I did not know it was legal. I knew prostitution was, but well, there you are if you want a walk on the wild side and a little education as well, Amsterdam -- the place to visit (another on me revisit list besides Denmark).
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
| Not a great shot, but look at that thing -- you get the idea -- what were they thinking? |
 |
| The canals at night |
