17 April 2012
519
R. Linda:
You'd think the moon was full or something. Usually, when it is, I have very strange dreams. Maybe it was the earthquake activity in Chile and the Ring of Fire that rumbled its way into me sleep time in New Hampshire. Who knows?
I had a dream and YOU were in it as you often are. I will say it was a borderline nightmare because the Dragon Lady was in it too. Add to that mix the daddy-man, and we are set to take Gabe on a wild dream ride, oh yeah.
I found meself in your house and I was sitting there with the remote clicking the stations and you were coming out of the kitchen, wooden spoon dripping fudge sauce and you -- covered in it. I tried hard to ignore this phenomenon because you were purposely baiting me to come into the kitchen and do the dirty dishes for a fudge reward. But I knew better, if I did that, I'd be in there all day because between you, me, the daddy-man and your kiddlets, the number of dishes in the sink was Everest-like and YOU would have eaten all the fudge while I was toiling away!
While you stood in the doorway licking the spoon, I hunched me big self together and turned further toward the TV to not see you, when this voice in the other chair got me attention.
"What's that motto your state has? Live free or die? Well, let me tell you what the people in Massachusetts call it, they call it 'Live free and SHOP!' because New Hampshire has no sales tax!"
I was trying hard to ignore her I was, what she was doing there in me dream, I haven't a clue, but I tried to make meself into a tight ball as I clicked through the stations, the slurping behind me, the chanting of "Let's Go Gabriel, BOOM, BOOM! Let's Go Shopping, BOOM, BOOM!"
I tell ya I wanted to get up and gag her. Not having the courage to approach that old Dragon, I got up and went next door to the daddy-man's abode. Yes, I did, but I saw you shrug, give a last lick to that fudge-coated spoon and go back into the kitchen and HER, she had thrown her hands up with a look on her face that was directed at me retreating back like WHAT CAN YA DO? MEN!
Gees! So I go across to the other side of the house and the daddy-man says to me, "Hey Gabe ya wanna go gamble my savings away at the casino?"
I was like, huh? "No." Says I.
"Well, look I need to get outta ees house. Too menee kiddlets, a Dragone ald a fudge-making dotter aren't doing it for me. Let's go grab a humbooger."
I thought that an excellent idea. I told him to get his jacket I'd get YOUR car keys and off we MEN would go.
"Uh uh, no," said you grabbing the keys off the key rack. "Not unless YOU pay for the gas."
I tried to grab the keys, only you were fast and being short you swiped them downward which caused me to lose me footing and fall into the trash bin. Covered in coffee grounds I looked down at me stained shirt.
"Look what you made me do?" I said grabbing a paper towel and blotting the mess off me shirt.
"Serves you right AND," you said handing me the keys with a smirk on your fudge-coated face, "take that reptile with you!"
I knew who you meant. The dragon lady had her coat and purse and she was ready to go SHOPPING! I was not a happy man.
"Okay dropping one at the mall, the other at the casino, and I be grabbing a burger," I mumbled to meself.
First out was Dragon, I reached over from the front seat driver's side, opened the backdoor and shoved her out at the entrance to Bloomingdales. Then with the screech of tyres, I set off for the Denver casino. I came to a whiplash-like stop at the front door and reached over and opened the door for the daddy-man.
"Eey, wat happened to the booger first!" He demanded staying put.
"OH, you really want a burger?"
"Yeah, I really want a booger, wat ess the motter wit jue?" He said a bit testily.
So I slammed the door and took the high roller to Big Ben's Beef Burgers down the road. There was a billboard just as you got up there with this multi-layered hamburger filled with lettuce, tomato, oozing cheese, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and onions. Um um (clog your arteries) good!
We MEN got out of the car, walked up to the open stand and tried to outorder each other. When we were done we had enough burgers, fries, milkshakes and ketchup packets to feed a small army.
"I like to go out everyday eff the weather ees good," the daddy-man was saying as we sat down. "My problem ees konvincing Rolonda and the kiddlets to drive me where I wan to go."
"Yeah, I can rarely get away meself, I don't get roped into garden work by me wife," I said as we sat down and fixed our spread out.
"My dotter thinks I get exhausted going out every day, but ess not that, ees putting up wit the gibber-gabbing between the bunch of em' wears me out. SHE esays I spend my money and then wonder wat on. Jue'd think ees was New Hampshire where jue can live free an shup."
I almost choked on me mouthful of cholesterol-chocked burger. Where did he get that from? Like I didn't know.
"I'll be 87 this month, jue'd think by now I'd be trusted on my own, but nooo. Rolonda even seed I'd be lucky to see 87 eff she doesn't shoot me first. She jawas only keyding but jue know wat? She'll be lucky to esse the other side of 60 she keeps eating that sugar-packed fudge she makes almost every day. Hrumph!" He said this taking a mouthful of death by burger.
"Now, now," I said clucking at him like a mother hen and wondering why I was sounding like the Dragon lady.
"My dotter ees too focused on weather, and that's another reason I doon't like staying home. Every time I kome into the room she gives the forecast. And it changes with her mood, from hot to cold, to snow to rain, to where I don't know wat the hell season it ees anymore!"
"I hear ya mate," I said chowing down on me second artery-busting burger.
"Jue know wat? I think we esshould gather up this feast and take a trip to Teawhowuana. We have time, don't we? Nothing to do but watch my dotter move furniture (and she does this to make me think I am losing my mind). I go out and then I kome back and the sofa ees on the other side of the room, the TV ees in the hall and I'm bumping into things that weren't there before and SHE stands there with her hands on her hips like she never moved anything and she wants to know WHAT'S THE MOTTER WITH ME! Like the furniture had always been there and I'm the one losing my mind. I dunno."
"Yeah, I hear ya. Just as I was starting to watch Jeopardy she came in and took the remote right out of me hand and switched the station to Dora the Explorer and then it was a fight on the floor between us rolling around each trying to control the remote, she hitting me atop me head with that wooden fudge making spoon of her's. She knows I hate cartoons, she did it on purpose!" I said, gathering up me five uneaten burgers and throwing them angrily in the bag.
So off we set for Tijuana and I don't know how we got there so quickly but we breezed on in and I looked around at the colourful buildings.
"THIS reminds me of some villages in Ireland AND Amsterdam all these colours," I said driving slowly by the cantinas and souvenir shops.
"Esstop here, esstop here," the daddy-man said and I pulled the car over to the curb the rubber ducks on the radio antennae twanging at the harshness of the sudden stop.
R. Linda:
You'd think the moon was full or something. Usually, when it is, I have very strange dreams. Maybe it was the earthquake activity in Chile and the Ring of Fire that rumbled its way into me sleep time in New Hampshire. Who knows?
I had a dream and YOU were in it as you often are. I will say it was a borderline nightmare because the Dragon Lady was in it too. Add to that mix the daddy-man, and we are set to take Gabe on a wild dream ride, oh yeah.
I found meself in your house and I was sitting there with the remote clicking the stations and you were coming out of the kitchen, wooden spoon dripping fudge sauce and you -- covered in it. I tried hard to ignore this phenomenon because you were purposely baiting me to come into the kitchen and do the dirty dishes for a fudge reward. But I knew better, if I did that, I'd be in there all day because between you, me, the daddy-man and your kiddlets, the number of dishes in the sink was Everest-like and YOU would have eaten all the fudge while I was toiling away!
While you stood in the doorway licking the spoon, I hunched me big self together and turned further toward the TV to not see you, when this voice in the other chair got me attention.
"What's that motto your state has? Live free or die? Well, let me tell you what the people in Massachusetts call it, they call it 'Live free and SHOP!' because New Hampshire has no sales tax!"
I was trying hard to ignore her I was, what she was doing there in me dream, I haven't a clue, but I tried to make meself into a tight ball as I clicked through the stations, the slurping behind me, the chanting of "Let's Go Gabriel, BOOM, BOOM! Let's Go Shopping, BOOM, BOOM!"
I tell ya I wanted to get up and gag her. Not having the courage to approach that old Dragon, I got up and went next door to the daddy-man's abode. Yes, I did, but I saw you shrug, give a last lick to that fudge-coated spoon and go back into the kitchen and HER, she had thrown her hands up with a look on her face that was directed at me retreating back like WHAT CAN YA DO? MEN!
Gees! So I go across to the other side of the house and the daddy-man says to me, "Hey Gabe ya wanna go gamble my savings away at the casino?"
I was like, huh? "No." Says I.
"Well, look I need to get outta ees house. Too menee kiddlets, a Dragone ald a fudge-making dotter aren't doing it for me. Let's go grab a humbooger."
I thought that an excellent idea. I told him to get his jacket I'd get YOUR car keys and off we MEN would go.
"Uh uh, no," said you grabbing the keys off the key rack. "Not unless YOU pay for the gas."
I tried to grab the keys, only you were fast and being short you swiped them downward which caused me to lose me footing and fall into the trash bin. Covered in coffee grounds I looked down at me stained shirt.
"Look what you made me do?" I said grabbing a paper towel and blotting the mess off me shirt.
"Serves you right AND," you said handing me the keys with a smirk on your fudge-coated face, "take that reptile with you!"
I knew who you meant. The dragon lady had her coat and purse and she was ready to go SHOPPING! I was not a happy man.
"Okay dropping one at the mall, the other at the casino, and I be grabbing a burger," I mumbled to meself.
First out was Dragon, I reached over from the front seat driver's side, opened the backdoor and shoved her out at the entrance to Bloomingdales. Then with the screech of tyres, I set off for the Denver casino. I came to a whiplash-like stop at the front door and reached over and opened the door for the daddy-man.
"Eey, wat happened to the booger first!" He demanded staying put.
"OH, you really want a burger?"
"Yeah, I really want a booger, wat ess the motter wit jue?" He said a bit testily.
So I slammed the door and took the high roller to Big Ben's Beef Burgers down the road. There was a billboard just as you got up there with this multi-layered hamburger filled with lettuce, tomato, oozing cheese, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and onions. Um um (clog your arteries) good!
We MEN got out of the car, walked up to the open stand and tried to outorder each other. When we were done we had enough burgers, fries, milkshakes and ketchup packets to feed a small army.
"I like to go out everyday eff the weather ees good," the daddy-man was saying as we sat down. "My problem ees konvincing Rolonda and the kiddlets to drive me where I wan to go."
"Yeah, I can rarely get away meself, I don't get roped into garden work by me wife," I said as we sat down and fixed our spread out.
"My dotter thinks I get exhausted going out every day, but ess not that, ees putting up wit the gibber-gabbing between the bunch of em' wears me out. SHE esays I spend my money and then wonder wat on. Jue'd think ees was New Hampshire where jue can live free an shup."
I almost choked on me mouthful of cholesterol-chocked burger. Where did he get that from? Like I didn't know.
"I'll be 87 this month, jue'd think by now I'd be trusted on my own, but nooo. Rolonda even seed I'd be lucky to see 87 eff she doesn't shoot me first. She jawas only keyding but jue know wat? She'll be lucky to esse the other side of 60 she keeps eating that sugar-packed fudge she makes almost every day. Hrumph!" He said this taking a mouthful of death by burger.
"Now, now," I said clucking at him like a mother hen and wondering why I was sounding like the Dragon lady.
"My dotter ees too focused on weather, and that's another reason I doon't like staying home. Every time I kome into the room she gives the forecast. And it changes with her mood, from hot to cold, to snow to rain, to where I don't know wat the hell season it ees anymore!"
"I hear ya mate," I said chowing down on me second artery-busting burger.
"Jue know wat? I think we esshould gather up this feast and take a trip to Teawhowuana. We have time, don't we? Nothing to do but watch my dotter move furniture (and she does this to make me think I am losing my mind). I go out and then I kome back and the sofa ees on the other side of the room, the TV ees in the hall and I'm bumping into things that weren't there before and SHE stands there with her hands on her hips like she never moved anything and she wants to know WHAT'S THE MOTTER WITH ME! Like the furniture had always been there and I'm the one losing my mind. I dunno."
"Yeah, I hear ya. Just as I was starting to watch Jeopardy she came in and took the remote right out of me hand and switched the station to Dora the Explorer and then it was a fight on the floor between us rolling around each trying to control the remote, she hitting me atop me head with that wooden fudge making spoon of her's. She knows I hate cartoons, she did it on purpose!" I said, gathering up me five uneaten burgers and throwing them angrily in the bag.
So off we set for Tijuana and I don't know how we got there so quickly but we breezed on in and I looked around at the colourful buildings.
"THIS reminds me of some villages in Ireland AND Amsterdam all these colours," I said driving slowly by the cantinas and souvenir shops.
"Esstop here, esstop here," the daddy-man said and I pulled the car over to the curb the rubber ducks on the radio antennae twanging at the harshness of the sudden stop.
| Yee-ah THIS was our ride -- rubber duckies and all -- gives new meaning to duck mobile
We lurched on out and I followed the daddy-man into a dark cantina. It took a moment for me eyes to adjust from the bright Tijuana sunlight to the dark cave-like interiour of the cantina. There were some mean-looking hombres looking the gringo (that would be me) over like I had a nerve or a few nerves to be invading their space. I caught up to the daddy-man as if to say, "I be with him" short of pointing at the old man as he bellied up to the bar and ordered a mojito.
The barkeeper looked at me and said, "Que honda?"
I wasn't sure if we were talking motorcars or what, so I threw in I'd like a Murphy's Stout and the barkeep looked at me askance. I thought he didn't speak English.
"No hablo espanol," I said, "habla ingles?"
"All we got ees Korona," he said in English like I was an arse.
"Oh, you speak English?" I flubbed.
"Eengleesh." He said nodding like it was a stupid statement for me to utter.
"I'd like the beer, yes," I said.
"Mas despacio?"
I looked at the daddy-man, he sighed and said, "Slew it down."
"OH!" I said, so very slowly I said, "Yeesss, Cor . . . o . . .na."
"Podria repeater, por favor?" He grinned maliciously. I knew he knew what I said but I turned to the daddy-man again.
"He essaid, to please repeat the ouder?" And he sighed.
I . . . want . . . the . . . Corona." I said getting testy.
He twisted the cap off the bottle and held up a wedge of lime.
I nodded that be fine and he asked the daddy-man if the "gringo wants a lime wedge" and the daddy-man nodded and I felt the size of an ant. They were purposely making me feel stupid. The drinks came, mine slid at me with a sliver of lime and I squeezed it into the beer and the barkeep was watching me.
"Jue know wit they esssy in gringo-land about Korona don't jue?" He sneered.
Oh I knew, I knew and not that I wanted to answer but they all, every single one of them laughed.
"That's why jue need the lime." The man said to me.
Oi!
"Gracias," I said lifting it in toast at him.
"Grathias, Eengleesh," he said turning away.
I wanted to correct him that THIS gringo was NOT an English one, but it wasn't worth it. I sipped the Corona daintily trying to get the thought of what they say it is made out of me noggin. Meanwhile, the daddy-man was holding court. You'd have thought these guys were his minions, he was telling them about the strength of his very own daughter, "She moves rocks eas strength like buwl."
"Like a bull?" I whispered thinking SHE would not be pleased to hear this.
"She mix-us foudge like she knows wat she ess dooing," he said further expounding her attributes.
He had to be stopped before he married her off to some unknown Cantina dweller so I egged him on to slam back the mojito, foolishly forgetting I was about to slam back a bottle of foreign piss, but we both did and then the realisation hit me and the men started laughing. I grabbed the daddy-man by the elbow and had to drag him back to the duck-decorated SUV and seatbelt him in. And with walloping speed, I had us across the border back into gringo-land and within a flash, we were outside Bloomingdales!
How we got there only my dream knows but there Dragon was looking at her diamond-encrusted watch at the door of Bloomies, bags galore, and mad as a hornet that I had kept her waiting.
"Oh oh, she ess a loco look in her ees, bad for jue!" The daddy-man laughed warningly at me as I came to a screeching halt.
I got out and put her trillion shopping bags in the back of the SUV as she tottered to the passenger door and got herself in, muttering something about taking a perfectly nice, but red SUV and decorating it like a Dollar Store bonanza with rubber ducks.
I jumped in and said to the daddy-man, "Como se dice CRAZY?"
"Loco," he nodded at me knowingly.
"WHAT? WHAT are you two saying up there?" She yelled from the backseat, she had been messing with a small shopping bag and getting out bracelets and rings and all kinds of sparkly things and adorning her large person with them.
"No entiendo," the daddy-man threw at her.
"Intendo? They still make those things?" She said putting on an earring.
We both sighed. I drove on toward home, YOUR home. And what did we find? The daddy-man's exhortation sums it up.
"Holly cow luke wat eeses done! Eeses moved the garden and cactus . . . AND eeses made a cardboard castle of the casa!"
Yup, you had. You moved not only the furniture inside but the stuff OUTSIDE.
"You can't leave her on her own," I said starting at what looked like a haunted castle. "You never know what she's going to move next."
"Ees all your fault, jue had us in Teawhowuana, NO BODY GOES TO TEAWHOWUANA ANYMORE!"
Yeah, it all became my fault somehow, I had somehow orchestrated the whole disaster. The daddy-man slammed out of the car, walked straight to the garage and started the snowblower. Dragon had got her sparkly self out of the SUV and when the sun hit her, it was so hot she sort of melted and I watched her melt with a certain joy in me black heart that the wicked witch was dead! But then the sound of the snowblower got me attention as the daddy-man came ripping out of the garage and proceeded to use the thing like a lawnmower. He was chopping the cactus up into fine pieces as he mowed them all down. Next, I see YOU come out after him waving a fudge-coated wooden spoon. Oh, the carnage and I don't mean the cactus, YOU were after that poor old man like a wasp on a dog. He was fending you off very well though, it was the tripping over the large block of stale hard fudge that did him in. It wasn't quite hard because the sun was softening it up, and he tripped over it head first, me running to pull him up as you started pelting the two of us with tamales. A PERFECT WASTE OF GOOD TAMALES I MIGHT ADD. The two of us crawled under the lattice to get away from you.
At least we had dinner and dessert thanks to the tamale pelting and the fudge even if we did have to suck the fudge off our shirts.
Gabe
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