01 March 2013
637
R. Linda:
I want to choke that groundhog because he lied about that shadow, spring isn't here because winter has arrived in full force, and I feel like I live in the Swiss Alps. I do not want to roof rake my roof anymore, it's hard work, it hurts me shoulders and the snow be heavy! I be done with winter, but it seems it isn't done with yours truly. I know you are enjoying that fact.
That aside, I have a few mini stories for you. First, me Dragon-in-law has decided she will NOW exchange the gifts she didn't want from Christmas. Why she's waited until MARCH I have notta clue though there was some muttering that the crowds and lines were gone. She told Tonya the "store people will not want to take the returns," and she's probably right. Can you imagine walking into a department store TODAY with a Christmas gift you don't like and saying, "I got this on 25th December, I don't like it, I don't want it, refund please?" No, not gonna happen without a fight.
Now if Dragon was me sainted Mam, she'd say, "Oh that's nice," and suffer the gift for the rest of her life. BUT if she was like me sister, Dragon would not be dealing with store clerks. My sister has a tacky way of dealing with returns, yes she does. She re-gifts instead. I be waiting for the year she re-gifts something to the same person that gave her the gift the year before. That should be interesting.
Now me wife tells people outright what they can get her and gives them several choices which I guess is a good system because it seems to work. But this last year one of her friends decided she knew Tonya better than Tonya and threw the list of choices away and bought her what she thought Tonya would like. Well, when Tonya opened it, it was a set of scales on a square marble base. Yes, it was, and Ton was like, "What am I supposed to do with THIS?" Well, I said I thought it was one of those old-fashioned coffee table decorations, like from before I was born. I said I thought me grandparents had something like that, that me gran put fake grapes in the scales. As you can imagine that went over big and the next thing I know, it is at me neighbour's yard sale. The woman who gave it to her just happened to go to that yard sale where Tonya was helping out, and she says to Tonya, "Oh look at this, it's a lot cheaper than the one I bought for you. I hope you don't think I bought you a $5 present." EE-YAH. Tonya's remark to me was, "Is she dumb or what? She recognised it was the same as the one she gave me, but she didn't think it was that one." Ton lucked out is all I can say. Luckily, this friend isn't one that's close enough (quite obviously) to be invited to our house, so we don't have to worry about her ever seeing those scales which went for a bargain two bucks to the old couple down the road. And even the old lady who bought them said as she paid, "I haven't seen one of these since the 1970s, brings back memories." I'll bet it does. But it doesn't end there, no, no, Tonya has bought this same gift giver who knows her so well, four brand spanking new place mats WITH napkins in a lumberjack shirt pattern. Yes, the housewarming coming up! Yeah, revenge is sweet when your name is Tonya.
Meanwhile, with the snow forever falling and it getting deeper, me old neighbour has been in his workshop making signs. He has trails through his property where his granddaughter rides her horse. He decided to name the trails (see this is what snow does to one, makes them do crazy things). Well, the signs are very nice actually, he has carved the name of each trail, painted the sign itself black and meticulously painted the carved names in white. When we had a lull in the snowfall, he went out and tacked these signs up. One of the bridle paths comes up to the edge of me property and there is one of the signs. And with the leaves down, if I look out into the woods I can see more signs. There are like a hundred signs and it looks like a freaking state park out there. Like the granddaughter doesn't know her way around and might get lost. I dunno, I guess it makes him happy but I be waiting for the park rangers.
But wait there's more, you're not getting off that easily. The old man is going to have some of the scrub growth like bittersweet and wild olive bushes, a few saplings and one or two big dead trees removed as soon as the snow stops, AS IF. He even is going to clear two more fields. Now you might ask, "What's wrong with that Gabe?" Well, I'll tell you what is wrong with it. Remember that crazy Canadian that helped with me stairs a few years back? (See me blog story of 15 May 2011 Rainy Day Alcoholic) Well, the old man hired him to help with the sawing down of the trees. Gees, chainsaws, big trees and alcohol sound like a recipe for a disaster waiting to happen. Is it me? But I see a lot wrong with that.
To get me mind off this "tree event"(that I don't want to be around to witness) (it sounds bloody to me) I told me neighbour down the road about it and he suggested we go to the town dump that day to peruse the book bin. I was like WHAT? He said, "You like to read, people drop books off down there all the time." I was speechless. Can you see me rummaging through the town trash bin for books? I read newspapers I don't read books. I suppose we could stop by the newspaper bin at the dump to see if there are any newspapers I haven't read. Oi! Who are these people? He owns a Mercedes Benz and I said to him that a Mercedes does NOT belong at the dump.
He suggested instead we have a day of wandering aimlessly so we would get home after the ambulances left. I told him as long as we were skipping the book bin at the dump, which I know made him sad and would have made me pout if we really did that, then yes, let's go wander. He said, "Where do you want to wander to because I got nothin'." Me too, so it looks like we will be wandering around aimlessly quite literally. SIGH.
Then Lois who lives up on the hill above us, tells me and Tonya that if the old guy reclaims the old pasture up by hers, she could have direct access to our house. No more having to drive down what is left of the old rutted road, she can walk. She'll bring an apple pie to celebrate. The only problem is the old stone wall that is six feet across that separates her property from ours. And Lois is not a rock climber. Therefore, I wasn't worried the walk with the pie would ever happen. But she's had Percy (you remember Officer Percy) up to her house on a tow mission, and he said he could run a zip line from the deck of her house down the slope to the large oak on our side of the wall, and she could zip down. Again, I ask you what is the matter with these people? But she thinks it is a great idea, she'll rig up some kind of heated backpack for the pie and put cleats on her Oxford shoes to grip the earth when she comes over the wall and there you go! I can think of a million things wrong with that whole idea. Oi! I swear I live in cuckoo land.
Lastly (oh yeah we aren't finished YET), this afternoon we took Tonya's grandfather's pocket watch to a jeweller to get it cleaned and working. Well, I thought we were going to the local jeweller on Main Street, but because she cancelled her eyebrow waxing and the salon is next to the jewellers we couldn't go there. Nope, we couldn't. Gee, we might be seen and what would be her excuse? I knew already, that I would get the blame, I made her do it, this was the day I WANTED HER to go to the jewellery store like I want to ever go to a jewellery store with the wife it doesn't empty me wallet. So instead we went to the new jewellers on the other side of town not just to avoid being seen by the eyebrow waxing technician, but because the new jeweller is from New Jersey. Well, I have to tell you I felt like we were in Jersey, lots of bling, so much bling I was blinded by it. I couldn't wait to get out of there for the glare! As I lurched out happy to be away from that brightness the sun came out and the glare of the snow blinded me for life! I be sporting dark glasses and I think me eyesight is completely gone. If there are errors and more typos than usual it's because I cannot see. That groundhog should be happy I be a blind man. But if I had one of those white and red sticks . . .
I'm going to feel me way to the medicine cabinet now. Yes I be home, it be me day off. I need to find the Tums and YES I be still feeling the effects of all that rich southern cooking from yesterday, and YES, I gained twenty pounds, okay ten. But still.
And for your viewing pleasure so you can laugh here is what it be doing outside. See video.
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
I want to choke that groundhog because he lied about that shadow, spring isn't here because winter has arrived in full force, and I feel like I live in the Swiss Alps. I do not want to roof rake my roof anymore, it's hard work, it hurts me shoulders and the snow be heavy! I be done with winter, but it seems it isn't done with yours truly. I know you are enjoying that fact.
That aside, I have a few mini stories for you. First, me Dragon-in-law has decided she will NOW exchange the gifts she didn't want from Christmas. Why she's waited until MARCH I have notta clue though there was some muttering that the crowds and lines were gone. She told Tonya the "store people will not want to take the returns," and she's probably right. Can you imagine walking into a department store TODAY with a Christmas gift you don't like and saying, "I got this on 25th December, I don't like it, I don't want it, refund please?" No, not gonna happen without a fight.
Now if Dragon was me sainted Mam, she'd say, "Oh that's nice," and suffer the gift for the rest of her life. BUT if she was like me sister, Dragon would not be dealing with store clerks. My sister has a tacky way of dealing with returns, yes she does. She re-gifts instead. I be waiting for the year she re-gifts something to the same person that gave her the gift the year before. That should be interesting.
Now me wife tells people outright what they can get her and gives them several choices which I guess is a good system because it seems to work. But this last year one of her friends decided she knew Tonya better than Tonya and threw the list of choices away and bought her what she thought Tonya would like. Well, when Tonya opened it, it was a set of scales on a square marble base. Yes, it was, and Ton was like, "What am I supposed to do with THIS?" Well, I said I thought it was one of those old-fashioned coffee table decorations, like from before I was born. I said I thought me grandparents had something like that, that me gran put fake grapes in the scales. As you can imagine that went over big and the next thing I know, it is at me neighbour's yard sale. The woman who gave it to her just happened to go to that yard sale where Tonya was helping out, and she says to Tonya, "Oh look at this, it's a lot cheaper than the one I bought for you. I hope you don't think I bought you a $5 present." EE-YAH. Tonya's remark to me was, "Is she dumb or what? She recognised it was the same as the one she gave me, but she didn't think it was that one." Ton lucked out is all I can say. Luckily, this friend isn't one that's close enough (quite obviously) to be invited to our house, so we don't have to worry about her ever seeing those scales which went for a bargain two bucks to the old couple down the road. And even the old lady who bought them said as she paid, "I haven't seen one of these since the 1970s, brings back memories." I'll bet it does. But it doesn't end there, no, no, Tonya has bought this same gift giver who knows her so well, four brand spanking new place mats WITH napkins in a lumberjack shirt pattern. Yes, the housewarming coming up! Yeah, revenge is sweet when your name is Tonya.
Meanwhile, with the snow forever falling and it getting deeper, me old neighbour has been in his workshop making signs. He has trails through his property where his granddaughter rides her horse. He decided to name the trails (see this is what snow does to one, makes them do crazy things). Well, the signs are very nice actually, he has carved the name of each trail, painted the sign itself black and meticulously painted the carved names in white. When we had a lull in the snowfall, he went out and tacked these signs up. One of the bridle paths comes up to the edge of me property and there is one of the signs. And with the leaves down, if I look out into the woods I can see more signs. There are like a hundred signs and it looks like a freaking state park out there. Like the granddaughter doesn't know her way around and might get lost. I dunno, I guess it makes him happy but I be waiting for the park rangers.
But wait there's more, you're not getting off that easily. The old man is going to have some of the scrub growth like bittersweet and wild olive bushes, a few saplings and one or two big dead trees removed as soon as the snow stops, AS IF. He even is going to clear two more fields. Now you might ask, "What's wrong with that Gabe?" Well, I'll tell you what is wrong with it. Remember that crazy Canadian that helped with me stairs a few years back? (See me blog story of 15 May 2011 Rainy Day Alcoholic) Well, the old man hired him to help with the sawing down of the trees. Gees, chainsaws, big trees and alcohol sound like a recipe for a disaster waiting to happen. Is it me? But I see a lot wrong with that.
To get me mind off this "tree event"(that I don't want to be around to witness) (it sounds bloody to me) I told me neighbour down the road about it and he suggested we go to the town dump that day to peruse the book bin. I was like WHAT? He said, "You like to read, people drop books off down there all the time." I was speechless. Can you see me rummaging through the town trash bin for books? I read newspapers I don't read books. I suppose we could stop by the newspaper bin at the dump to see if there are any newspapers I haven't read. Oi! Who are these people? He owns a Mercedes Benz and I said to him that a Mercedes does NOT belong at the dump.
He suggested instead we have a day of wandering aimlessly so we would get home after the ambulances left. I told him as long as we were skipping the book bin at the dump, which I know made him sad and would have made me pout if we really did that, then yes, let's go wander. He said, "Where do you want to wander to because I got nothin'." Me too, so it looks like we will be wandering around aimlessly quite literally. SIGH.
Then Lois who lives up on the hill above us, tells me and Tonya that if the old guy reclaims the old pasture up by hers, she could have direct access to our house. No more having to drive down what is left of the old rutted road, she can walk. She'll bring an apple pie to celebrate. The only problem is the old stone wall that is six feet across that separates her property from ours. And Lois is not a rock climber. Therefore, I wasn't worried the walk with the pie would ever happen. But she's had Percy (you remember Officer Percy) up to her house on a tow mission, and he said he could run a zip line from the deck of her house down the slope to the large oak on our side of the wall, and she could zip down. Again, I ask you what is the matter with these people? But she thinks it is a great idea, she'll rig up some kind of heated backpack for the pie and put cleats on her Oxford shoes to grip the earth when she comes over the wall and there you go! I can think of a million things wrong with that whole idea. Oi! I swear I live in cuckoo land.
Lastly (oh yeah we aren't finished YET), this afternoon we took Tonya's grandfather's pocket watch to a jeweller to get it cleaned and working. Well, I thought we were going to the local jeweller on Main Street, but because she cancelled her eyebrow waxing and the salon is next to the jewellers we couldn't go there. Nope, we couldn't. Gee, we might be seen and what would be her excuse? I knew already, that I would get the blame, I made her do it, this was the day I WANTED HER to go to the jewellery store like I want to ever go to a jewellery store with the wife it doesn't empty me wallet. So instead we went to the new jewellers on the other side of town not just to avoid being seen by the eyebrow waxing technician, but because the new jeweller is from New Jersey. Well, I have to tell you I felt like we were in Jersey, lots of bling, so much bling I was blinded by it. I couldn't wait to get out of there for the glare! As I lurched out happy to be away from that brightness the sun came out and the glare of the snow blinded me for life! I be sporting dark glasses and I think me eyesight is completely gone. If there are errors and more typos than usual it's because I cannot see. That groundhog should be happy I be a blind man. But if I had one of those white and red sticks . . .
I'm going to feel me way to the medicine cabinet now. Yes I be home, it be me day off. I need to find the Tums and YES I be still feeling the effects of all that rich southern cooking from yesterday, and YES, I gained twenty pounds, okay ten. But still.
And for your viewing pleasure so you can laugh here is what it be doing outside. See video.
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
