As If Things Weren't Weird Enough

24 August 2026

2008

R. Linda:

I was done. I'd had enough. Done with the Weasil and Robbie show, enough of the medical centre. I wanted a day to meself to relax in me hammock with an Arnie Palmer and nap the world away. That was the plan anyway. 

I had got meself all set; I had me Arnie in hand, told everyone NOT to disturb me because there would be hell to pay if they did, and outside I went. No one said a word; they went back to their troughs of food Dragon was slinging their way. All kinds of Jersey greasiness, foot-long hot dogs smothered in spicy mustard in a massive bun filled to the brim with onions, peppers and potatoes and oh, don't forget the copious amounts of salt! Cast iron stomachs all of them. 

I stepped out the back door and took a deep breath of fresh, clean air, not the hot dog, pepper-filled atmosphere of the kitchen. It was SO damn refreshing, and I thought, wow, this is going to be good!

I went down the deck steps to the beautiful, just-mown lawn (thank you, Guido) and made me way up the garden path to Tonya's lush and quiet garden where me hammy was. I was enjoying the buzz of the bees in the flowers, the songbirds singing, the breeze just enough, and there was me mecca coming round the bend into view. 

I stopped, almost spilling me Arnie Palmer. There by me hammy was THIS:

NO! Not today, this is me day!

I watched as this rather large bear person took over me hammy. I wondered about the timing. Did this thing know this was ME DAY for the hammock? 

Serves ya right, and hey, don't rip the underside!

I sighed. What to do?

At first I thought it was straightening out the under netting so I could use the hammy.

No, he made it nice to give it another go.

I debated going back to the house and getting some help to scare this intruder away, but then I realised Mr. or Mrs Bear was mastering the hammock.

Yeah, we were just getting our big self comfortable.

Yup, life be good

Now I was angry. Not only had this gigantic thing taken over me hammy time, when I got everyone to swear they'd leave me alone while I was out there, but if I chased it away, the hammock was going to stink of bear. I could smell him or her from where I stood. 

It hadn't noticed me or me taking photos of it until I clucked me tongue at it. 

It looked at me like "What?"

It tumbled to the ground

Well, I lost me head; I started shouting at it: "That's me hammy you're smelling up, and it belongs to yours truly, standing right here you, you, you, MISCREANT BEAR YOU!" I know, lame, but well, just what do you shout at a bear? Oddly, it looked taken aback, so much so, it scurried to get out of me hammy.

And as I stood there self-satisfied, it took off for the woods. Good! I thought. So forgetting the bear smell, I went to me hammy, and as soon as I stood before it, the stink wafted up to me nostrils, and I was almost overcome. My lovely new hammy, the one I got for Father's Day, was soiled by a bear!

I can't win. I just can't. I give up!

Gabe

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