I Literally Jumped Out Of Me 4th of July Chair

05 July 2024

1121

R. Linda:

I was alone in the living room, the telly on and Ken Burn's Civil War playing. I watched for a bit, but the food made me sleepy, so I switched it off to get some kip. I nestled (yes, nestled) in the big comfy armchair, quietly letting a lovely 4th of July dinner digest, eyes heavy with wanting to doze. It was only the dog and me; everyone else went upstairs to play Fortnite. As I started to drift into sleep, an explosion of canon fire suddenly set me right out of my chair to a standing position, blinking in the dim light of the room, looking to duck for cover. The dog's claws scrapped on the wood floor as he zoomed out of the room and up the stairs to safety. I glanced at the dark telly to ensure I hadn't shut it off, and it was the programme.

I turned around to the window behind the chair and jumped. I saw sparks and flashing lights and heard metal fragments hitting the tree leaves as they whizzed to the ground. In my digestive daze, my first impression was that the generator blew up. It was then that I realised it was fireworks. The idiots next door had an arsenal and picked me dozy time to set them off. 

Yup, view from the window behind the chair. I thought all hell had broken loose

Why not just come over and set them off under me chair for a better reaction?

To be sure my generator hadn't blown up, I ran out and saw it wasn't, but the people next door were setting off a massive amount of fireworks. They usually do this every year, but I could hear no party sounds this year and assumed there would be no free fireworks show. But alas, I was wrong. Usually, they post a notice that they are about to set off explosives, and if you have farm animals, beware, it will be a chaotic, noisy, loud night in the barn. 

I could hear the pellets hitting the leaves on the trees and thought the explosives were closer to my property than usual. Well, it all died down; it did. Thinking it was over, I went inside to settle down once again, and it was a good ten minutes before I started to nod off when it happened again. I tell ya!

Not once but a continuous booming out my window

Yup, it nearly blew me out of the chair. I gave up all hope of sleepy land and went upstairs to find the dog cowered under the bed, but the cat, now that creature, knows no fear. It was sitting in the window with a backdrop of bursting fireworks, looking for all intents and purposes like it was a regular occurrence. It washed its paws like no big deal and stole a look at me to see if I was taking this no fear in. I was. I tried to coax the dog from underneath the bed, but he wasn't having it and didn't seem to care if he looked like a coward to the cat. I decided once the war outside was over, I'd go to bed. Only as soon as the fireworks concluded, the guns came out. Yes, they have AK47s or whatever those things are called. I could hear them firing rat-a-tat-tat in a continuous stream, and once THAT stopped, they whooped and yelled and did it again. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? 

I'll tell ya who they are; they are the Southerners from across the border in Massachusetts; that's who they are! They are a wild and crazy bunch of homesteaders with funny accents. If you think mine is nuts, you should hear them. They spout things like "Mah wife is wicked smaaht," and "Ask ya muthah, and pass the chowdah," "Give me moah fah puttn' up wit ya." and crazy talk like that. Some years ago, the Democrats in Massachusetts noticed the Republican population in New Hampshire was rather significant, so they decided to move up to balance out the scales. Lucky me has them next door.

I've had dreams all night of being in the line of fire somewhere in Virginia. I was in the blue uniform of the Federal Government being fired on by a line of grey-clad whooping rebels from old Virginia or maybe the invasive Army of Neighbours from Massachusetts! The pellets from the shells whizzing like pounding rain around yours truly. The woods lit up like canon fire was aimed at me sorry self. It was strange I'd find meself dressed as an American Civil War soldier when I had no real knowledge of U.S. history. But all night long, I was trying to find my way through thick, soggy woods to the Appomattox River, and General Sheridan was after me with his sword unsheathed, telling me to get back in line. Right-ho General! And then I woke up just as his black horse came rearing at me, his sword raised, his black eyes ablaze, the explosions mirrored in those eyes, his sword pressing into my chest when suddenly I was back in the here and now. All was quiet on the home front.

My heart was pounding it was. All was silence around me. I think it was a combination of what I ate, the fireworks scaring the bejesus out of me and the dog, and seeing a smidgen of Ken Burns Civil War on PBS. But then I saw why my chest seemed heavy, the fearless cat was curled up in a ball on top of me, its eyes glowing with mirth as it raised its head and stared at me as if to say, "Get over yourself, I've got ya, ya big baby."

Gabe

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