A Greasy Burger, A Soft Voice, And An Attack Crow

12 July 2022

1075

R. Linda:

I had a pleasant and unpleasant surprise today. Yes, I did. The Captain stopped by, and I have not seen him since the pandemic. Accompanying the Captain was the Weasil. I think Jaack was being driven to drinking (more) because the young whippersnapper had found him and, well, wasn't leaving anytime soon. Jaack, at his merry wit's end, decided a trip to New Hampshire was in order, AND (he thinks I don't know this) he'd come to visit me and drop the offending Weasil on me doorstep. Which he did!

But first, to make this a smooth transition without me being aware (he thought he didn't give me any credit for being more intelligent than him), he'd take us to Wendy's for a late lunch before he headed back to the woods and wilds of Maine. He was buttering me up and a farewell lunch to the Weasil (or the modern-day equivalent of a Last Supper). Uh-huh.

I got in the backseat, and off we went with me, giving directions on how to get to Wendy's (which, by the way, is not a hop, skip, and a jump, but a trek). I could see Jaack chomping at the bit to get there and get his cargo dropped off. He hid it well, except I was wise to him already.

So we pull up to the Drive-Thru, and Jaack asks Weasil what he wants. Well, Weasil had a list he did. Because it was Jaack's treat, Weas was about to order UP. Jaack was listening while we waited for the voice to come on, and he was looking at the bill of fare and ticking off items not available that Weasil would like to order. Weasel, getting frustrated, takes off his seatbelt and is out of his seat, looking over the board and revamping a million things he wants for lunch.

"Listen, matey," Jaack says. I can't remember ALL that, so you order for yourself, and I'll order for Gabe and myself."

"Huh?" The surprised Weasil interjected.

"They will ask me the size and all those questions that YOU should answer, making it more involved than an order needs to be." Jaack retorted.

"Fair." Surmised the Weas.

Meanwhile, I am wondering if anyone be in Wendy's because no one has said, "Hello, I'll be right with you," as usually happens. Suddenly, while we were talking among ourselves, a voice boomed —and I mean BOOMS—over the intercom, "WELCOME TO WENDY'S. HOW MAY I HELP YOU?" 

None of us said anything because we never got around to who was ordering first. I know, incompetent men. I had moved over behind the driver's seat so I could order for meself, so since no one was saying anything, I piped up. There was no word on what size meal I would like or any of that, which indicated no one was listening!

"HELLOOO! HELLOOO!" Weasil snickered loudly.

The voice suddenly returned and, in a snarky tone, said, " Oh, are you ready to order now?"

Maybe she was having a bad day, or it was our imagination, but we thought we had a hostile order taker. So I ordered a Bourbon Beef Burger and right away got the question, "Singe, double, or triple?" I ordered a double because the size of the triple on the ordering screen was HUGE. "Whadda you want to drink with that?" I said, "I'll have a chocolate Frosty, please," thinking the "please" might make her more friendly, but it did not. "What size do you want that Frosty?" "Medium, please." "What size fries do you want with that?" "Small, please." See, THAT was why the Captain wasn't ordering for the multi-ordering Weasil. He gave his order next and had the same questions asked. 

"IS that IT?" The disembodied voice says.

"No," says Jaack, "one more order." And he leaned back against his seat so the Weasil could lean over him out the window to give his order. 

"Just order the entire board and be done with it," Jaack whispered to Weasil sarcastically, "and supersize it."

Oh yeah, fun and games, so the Weasil clears his throat and softly says, "I'll have two 5 and 5s."

"Say that again, I didn't get that because I can't hear YOU." The voice remonstrated.

"Louder this time." Jaack admonishes.

Again, in a soft whisper, Weasil repeats his order.

"I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!"

"Okay, he'll have . . . " Jaack repeats Weasil's order for him so she can hear, and then he is asked a million questions on what size, how many, etc., all to the Captian's frustration. By this time, a line of eight cars was behind us, whereas when we arrived, there were none. I could see people getting frustrated and probably wondering what the hold-up was. Well, it was Weasil's antics.

Order finally in, we got a disgusted "Drive up," and we moved to the window. 

"Why didn't you shout your order?" Jaack asked Weasil.

"Because I can't yell." That was the answer. What a pratt he can be.

There, behind the glass slider window, was the order maven. Yes, indeedy. She was dressed all in black, with tattoos, a nose ring, black spiky hair, well you get the picture. On top of that, she's looking none too happy. She slides the glass slider open with some force, and wham! It hits the other end, making the glass vibrate. She demands the amount, takes Jaack's credit card, and then nearly throws it out the window as she slams the slider shut. Well!!!

She ignores us for a good 5 minutes until I say from me perch in the backseat how nice it would be to at least have the drinks while they go kill the cow and round up the chickens. I didn't think she could hear me, but suddenly the window slammed open with the glass vibrating in the sliders and thrust at Jaack were two colas. As he gave those over to us, he got the Frosty dipping through his window and almost in his face, then slam the sliders shut, notta word mentioned.

"Uh . . . SO no straws?" Jaack says to no one in particular. 

"Apparently, she's upset with us." I offer from the backseat.

Almost 10 minutes later, the sliders open, and she shoves two bags in the Captain's face and slams the window shut, notta word. We pulled off to a parking space with Jaack ready to go inside and face the order maven. I object and tell him the food is hot. Let us eat it now and then get out of there.

She wasn't done with us yet. We discovered we had three drinks and one straw! WHO FREAKING DOES THAT? Again, the Captain was all for going inside to confront the woman. I didn't need a straw because I had a Frosty and only needed the spoon (which wasn't included, so I had to wait for it to melt to drink it). Weas took the top off his drink and gave the straw to the insulted Captain. I tell ya!

Meanwhile, we are munching on our fries. talking the whole experience over when this huge and I mean huge, crow alights in an overhanging tree branch above the windscreen on the Captain's ride. This thing starts squawking at us for food. I threw a French fry out the back window, and wow, that damn thing flew down like a dive-bomber, and the fry was gone, as was the bird. 

Recovering from the sudden movement, I started to dig into my burger when the bird came back. He alighted by my door on the ground, so I rolled up the window, and Jayus, Mary, and Joseph it flew at me through the closed window!

"F this!" said Jaack, thinking of his pristine and well-kept auto. He started the motor up, backed out, pulled out, and made for the exit. Weasil, meantime, had a faceful of chicken and was waving at the order maven as we drove past the 50 million cars waiting for their orders.

"Did we slow dat downie or whattie?" Weasil said. He meant his soft-spoken order-giving had made the line at Wendy's intolerably long, and the wait for food would be slow to the extreme because the order maven was in a mood she was!

We pulled over to a shady area on the side of a road a few miles down and proceeded bird-less to consume our meals. Jaack complained about how sloppy his burger was because the bun it was on was thin and almost microscopic. He also decided he couldn't finish it; it was just too much.

"Talk about heart attack food. This is it! I am stuffed to the top mates, and I'm uncomfortable and glad I don't have to move because I will keel over if I do." 

Heart attack meal

Oh boy. I will say I didn't feel the effects of my burger until I finished it. I couldn't eat me small order of fries; I was that full. But Weasil was busy talking and stuffing his mouth to where what he was saying was unintelligible (which is usually the case anyway). We ignored him UNTIL a certain black and large crow showed up. 

"Is that. . ?" Jaack asked, trying to see the high tree branch the thing had landed on. 

"I think it is!" I nearly shouted. Sure enough, right at me window, it came. I was ready this time. I had rolled it up as soon as Jaack said, "Is that . . ." It followed us! Whether Weasil was finished or not, Jaack put the car in gear, and off we zoomed, but not without Weasil throwing me "Frenchie fries" out his window.  I turned in my seat at the receding view to see that stupid bird on the ground at the fries. Me only worry it would finish the fries and follow me home to plague me for the rest of my born days!

True to what I thought he would do, he did. The Captain pulled down me long, secluded driveway and stopped at the side of the garage.

"Well, it was nice seeing you both. We'll have to do this again sometime without the bird. I'll bring a parrot next time."

I had tried three times to get meself out of the backseat; I was sluggish from that burger. Weasil just popped out without a care that he was being left with ME and not riding off into the seascape with Captain Jaack.

What could I do? Now I have not only Dragon here for her summer holiday, my errant cousin Sean, but Weasil! You don't need to ask if Tonya is happy about this. She is not. So that just adds to the delightful summer in store for yours truly.

Gabe

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