Going Trump - Dissing On Tyra Banks

14 November 2020

Story #1007

R. Linda:

It looks like Mam will have something on the telly to watch in a week. The Crown will be coming back to Netflix, and that will make her happy. She's been at sea since they wrapped up Last Tango in Halifax. I have been in Fargo throes, so I am happy I have that. Now Tonya has a real dilemma. She watches DWTS and is less than happy with Tyra Banks and the new format.

I heard all about it the following day over breakfast: how Tyra has put on all this weight and been dressed in gigantic fashions, how she struts her stuff as if on a runway looking ridiculous, and how she is a poor host of the show. What's worse, there is only one judge worth their salt, and HE is getting like the other two and blah, blah, blah!

I decided to see for meself what the fuss was, and that's like forcing me to eat cat food to watch that show. I never liked Bruno, who flies out of his seat, does contortions and calls everyone "darling." Add to that Carrie Anne with all the wigs and get-ups (I have to wonder if she's trying to be J-LO) and the marking people off for "lifts" that really seem ludicrous since not all the dances are pure mambo, rumba, and salsa, etc. Oh, and don't forget the fake drama of the tears she sheds because a dance was so "beautiful."

So as I said, I sat down, and there was Tyra, and being me, I didn't notice much except that she was wearing a yellow monstrosity, but Mam burst out, "Wow, she musta poot on 100 pounds! Luke at dat ginormous yellow dress, or maybe it be extra material that someone threw around her, an' she's bouncing doon the centre of the dance floor, boobs bouncing, an arms jigglin', an' den strikes a pose wit one huge thigh sticking out of dat yellow stuff. Dat wig lukes like someone was late and just threw it on her head; the only thing made up be her makeup!"

Me little apple-cheeked, grey-haired Mam said a mouthful of Trumpisms in one fell swoop. She did! I looked closer at Tyra and couldn't help but say Mam was right.

I am no connoisseur of fashion mavens, but I do know when someone is thrown together, and Tyra was certainly just thrown together. No thought to how ridiculous she looked. She talked to one of the heavier contestants about weight shaming. I commend the two of them for that (though I do wonder why every heavy contestant is put in fringe), but really, wear clothing that makes you look like you care about how you present yourself to millions of people every Monday night, not like, "hey I'm heavy so look how much heavier I can look, and I really don't care!" It is like Ms. Glamourpuss gave up on herself.

I know I sound catty, but watching this programme through me wife's and Mam's eyes, I see things I wouldn't ordinarily notice. However, the yellow creation I couldn't NOT notice. So, the contestants are a bunch of names I've never heard of. Usually, when Tonya (in seasons past) talked about the contestants, she dropped a few names I'd recognise. This year, I didn't know who anyone was. Even the Bachelorette I had heard of (again from Tonya, who watches that programme too), I didn't recognise her for her blond hair and new attitude. There was a lot, and I mean a lot, of sob stories by these semi-famous people, and Tyra cried along with Carrie Anne, and I wanted to cry just because it was all so stupid. We all have troubles, especially today, and what I was hearing was ego-indulging and not worth me time to listen to. I had no sympathy I be sorry to say. 

The worst was when one contestant had to have emergency surgery and was on camera from her hospital bed, telling her "fans" she was doing well. Tyra was CRYING about this woman who, for all we at home could see, was doing very well and going to live! But Tyra had the waterworks going, the halting sobbing speech, and I was like, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? The contestant is doing well. She's alive, not dead or dying. I tell ya!

The dancing instructors are also not ones I recognise from seasons past, but maybe one or two. The dancing was mediocre, and the praise wasn't there, really. There were just a lot of corrections, what one should not do, and what one should focus on. I didn't care. It was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, just read the score. 

I told Tonya it was the same old, same old, but OLD. It was all getting old, and if Tyra and company were to put new life into the show, well, my dear R. Linda, they went in the opposite direction. Tom and Erin were at least amusing and added zest to the show. Len Goodman was the best cantankerous judge they had. I never cared for the other two. But Coronavirus has Len on the other side of the pond and Derrick... well, he started off great, but according to Tonya, as the show went on, he became like the other two. 

I could talk about what annoyed Mam the most, like one person's hippy lifestyle and all the crying she does over it, and I could rip Johnny Weir apart for the see-through outfits and his large posterior, but I won't bore you with any more dribble. 

I hope that the person who dresses Tyra sees the errors of their ways, or Tyra sees what she looks like, and one or both of them fire the other and do the right thing, dress Tyra like a plus-size model, not a cartoon. Or, make my wife happy and bring back Tom and Erin. Set up a screen for Goodman to be seen from across the pond, leave Derrick, get rid of Bruno and replace Carrie Anne with JLO. That would be a wonderful Christmas present for the wife.

As for me, I've seen the last of that show, and like Mam, it won't be on anymore after this season. I will go back to film noir and Mam, her Brit shows. Tonya will take up knitting large yellow things, and all will be right with the O'Sullivan clan.

Gabe

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