29 August 2019
965
R. Linda:
SO! Tonya, as you know has been coordinating her friend Liz's wedding. And as you know, one of the bridesmaids, one Hedda by name, has been a wee bit of a big problem.
A few weekends past was Liz's bachelorette party and up here the bachelorette parties (when in the backwoods) are usually the typical party venue known as a campground. I know, no Boston nightclub with Chip and Dales, nah up here there aren't any glitzy places because this is rural USA after all and well, no one would even think to travel to Boston (too far, too expensive, too everything).
The campground was in Weare, the crime capital of New Hampshire. If you google Weare, it is this sleepy rural town with not a whole lot of people in it, but it has its share of robberies. What is being robbed I have notta clue, it be mostly farm equipment so really? And Manch Vegas (Manchester, the opioid capital of the entire state) has nothing to offer either in the way of rowdy bachelor or bachelorette party places. The wildest you can get in Manch Vegas is The Muse Paint Bar where you learn to paint a picture and sip wine and nibble snacks all night, yahoo!
The selected campground has five swimming pools and there are cabins, but one can bring their camper and camp just shy of the pool area. Well, since we have Sean's camper one of the hens thought that a great idea, take THAT and stock it with booze and goodies and go get a tan. OK!
Off they all went as I watched Sean's camper lumber down the driveway, shaking me head that this was not going to end well because . . . HEDDA was in that camper and how did I know this? Not only because I could hear her booming voice a 1/4 mile away, but because an hour before their rumbling down the driveway, I saw her car swerving down my driveway to the house! Her loud voice swearing like a sailor that she forgot this or that and well I will not repeat her language out of respect for you R. Linda and the reading public, but you can well imagine.
I stay well shy of Hedda when I know she's coming by. I am not one for the sloppy kiss that just misses my lips, and the bear hug that is almost impossible to wiggle out of. I stay well back and inside the house if at all possible! And more so this time when I saw the shiner she was sporting under her right eye. Seems she got into a head-butting argy with the boyfriend two nights before and well things got ugly she beat him up, and he, in turn, head-butted her in the eye. I was thinking to meself how she'd look walking down the aisle, bouquet in hand, step by slow step, shiner for all to see!
I figured for me a restful weekend of doing pretty much nothing was on tap, and I was happy to see them go. This meant no gardening, no pulling weeds, no running to the store twenty times for forgotten food items, no kiddos telling me they are "telling mommy!" Just restful hammock with iced tea time for yours truly.
And it was almost like that except for kiddos wanting a sleepover and me Mam approving it and me finding out I had to run to the general store for additional hamburger (or hamburg meat as they call it up here) and loads of crisps and soda! For my own sanity the next day with me own hellions running about with the three sleepover participants, I found refuge in the garden so I weeded anyway just to be out of the kiddo line of fire. I figured me Mam manifested this, she could handle it. Oi!
Sunday I saw the visitors off as their parents came to pick them up. I had me own three cleaning their rooms because it looked like they had set up each room to look like the garbage barge in Star Wars. I then took meself to my hammie with a large glass of iced tea and was about to flop down for a nap when I heard the crunch of tyres on the driveway gravel. I popped open one eye, eyebrow raised, and yes, there it was Sean's camper ambling towards the house. I was surprised I didn't expect the "girls" back until late in the afternoon, or early evening.
They drove passed me with a half-hearted wave and they looked none too happy. I hauled meself up and went over to greet them and the first thing I heard as I walked up was, "Stupid Hedda!"
Well, obviously as I looked and counted heads, one Hedda was missing. I asked where she was and was told they did not know.
"What? What do you mean you don't know? You left her at the campground?"
"No, she got a ride with some guy." One of the hens informed me as she jumped out of the camper.
Well, seems Hedda (who is and likes to be the centre of attention), upon arrival at the campground had downed several beers on the way and was feeling pretty frisky. So frisky that when she alighted she walked up to some unsuspecting individual and told him he looked pretty fine and she proceeded to dry hump him right there in the parking area, in front of a lot of kiddos running about and one asking her mother, "What's that lady doing to that man?" What indeed small fry! The small child's eyes were covered and she was whisked away while her mother gave Hedda the evil eye.
Once the man freed himself he took off and Hedda not happy about that proceeded to snap at the small children who were curious about her and came over to ask her what she was doing to Uncle Jack. Yes, that's the way to go kiddies! Geezums as the Weasil would say.
This rejection by Uncle Jack and the insatiable curiosity of the small fry put Ms. Hedda in a very bad mood to which she took off to the camper, got herself a few more beers and proceeded to the pool area where she plopped herself down and talked to everyone within earshot about what, I don't even want to think, but by the time the other hens joined her she seemed to be on an island by herself, everyone else moved well back.
It wasn't long before the hens found themselves bickering with Hedda over "stupid stuff," as me eldest would say. They all headed to the jacuzzi with Hedda lurching unsteadily after them (everyone at the jacuzzi scrambling to leave before Hedda arrived, leaving a few who had no clue still lounging in the warm water), this after they advised her to go back to the camper and sleep it off! Nah.
Once in the water the bridal veil was placed on Liz's head and general laughter and jokes of the bachelotte variety were spewed forth and everyone was having a good time until a hefty splash that heralded the arrival of Hedda. Of course with a belly flop that took most of the water out of the large jacuzzi (me imagining haha), everyone who did not know of Hedda's antics, who was in the whirling water turned to see if a moose had fallen in, but when they saw who it was, well, small children were ushered to another of the five pools while looks of disdain met the "drunken moose" in the jacuzzi and the rest of the jacuzzi populace scattered, leaving the bridal party floundering in the waves from the belly flop.
Well, the hens had had enough and the final straw was Hedda yelling at some man who was passing by to come join her (he didn't, he hoofed to another area quickly) and the hens started clucking. They got into it, several so disgusted they told Hedda what they thought of her and well, this started an argy-bargy that got loud until they all got dripping from the pool leaving the offending creature bobbing in that large jacuzzi by herself.
They regrouped about two hours later to go to the restaurant, but between them, they knew Hedda would find them and another embarrassing scene would ensue. So they decided to grill hamburgers at the campground instead, trying to stay well away from the other campers. The smell of beef dripping over the coals must have enticed our miscreant to the camper where she proceeded to take a spatula from one hen and start flipping the burgers making giant flames shoot up as the grease spattered everywhere. After an unsatisfying dinner of burnt burgers the ladies retired to around the campfire and then and there Hedda and the former burger flipper got into it over the fact that Hedda remarked sarcastically that she met up with the hen's boyfriend a few days ago and all she got out of him was a hug.
The hen took exception that Hedda would even try something on her boyfriend and well, it got loud and except for the popping of beer lids, the powers that control the campground came over to tell them to bring it to a dull roar. This embarrassed everyone but Hedda and they started to drift off to bed.
The next morning several of them were outside brewing coffee when Tonya got a text message on her phone to please come in the camper NOW because Hedda had crawled in bed with her and HELP!
Oh boy.
It was 30 minutes later with everyone eating breakfast by the campfire that Hedda came lurching out of the camper to the smell of coffee and food. She gave them all the evil eye, said nothing to their good mornings, and took someone's half-empty coffee mug, threw the contents on the ground and poured herself some coffee as the amazed hen and owner of the mug said, "Hey I wasn't finished with that!"
"Well, ya should be." Was the snide answer as Hedda sipped the hot brew.
Everyone agreed including the bride-to-be, that the trip should end early, they'd all had enough. They started packing up while Hedda sat and sipped coffee in a snit and when they were ready to go, the mug owner asked for her cup back. Hedda not finished and feeling slighted as only Hedda could over nothing, got up and shoved the mug at the woman spilling coffee grounds down the front of her tee shirt. This, as you can well imagine, brought a general clucking from the hens at Hedda's disrespect which further put Hedda in a very bad mood.
"Hedda, are you coming?" Tonya asked as everyone started piling in.
"Nope."
"Well, we are leaving so I suggest you get in here," Tonya said exasperated.
"Nope, go on I'll get home on my own. Just LEAVE!"
After a few minutes of debating what to do, the hens realised that forcing Hedda would cause another embarrassing scene so they slowly started pulling away, as Hedda resumed her seat at the dying fire with her back to them. As they called one last time they got the finger raised in their direction and that was that.
What an exciting weekend, right? So sorry I missed it, NOT! Anyway, since then Hedda has head-butted another man, who was not happy about that and he went to shove her away but hit her in the other eye, so now she has one yellowish eye and another black one. This got back to the bride who went to Hedda's house to see for herself the damage and wowzers, that did it for Liz. Hedda was out of the wedding ("I didn't wanna be in it anyway") and she was told not to show up, ("You can't stop me!") so this weekend is the big day. I can hardly wait because I know that Hedda will show up one way or the other to start trouble. I mean think about it, she will have a crowd of 160 people to put on a show for. Just think of the material I'll have to regale you with. Of course, Ben told me he was going "to carry just in case." I was like "Just in case?" what? Carrying? What a gun? Is he thinking of doing a Wyatt Earp and putting Hedda out of her misery so the rest of us don't suffer too? I be not sure what the gun thing be about but me Mam chided him over it. He said no, not a gun a bottle of cinnamon hot whiskey because he thinks he'll need it. I have no more to say.
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
965
R. Linda:
SO! Tonya, as you know has been coordinating her friend Liz's wedding. And as you know, one of the bridesmaids, one Hedda by name, has been a wee bit of a big problem.
A few weekends past was Liz's bachelorette party and up here the bachelorette parties (when in the backwoods) are usually the typical party venue known as a campground. I know, no Boston nightclub with Chip and Dales, nah up here there aren't any glitzy places because this is rural USA after all and well, no one would even think to travel to Boston (too far, too expensive, too everything).
The campground was in Weare, the crime capital of New Hampshire. If you google Weare, it is this sleepy rural town with not a whole lot of people in it, but it has its share of robberies. What is being robbed I have notta clue, it be mostly farm equipment so really? And Manch Vegas (Manchester, the opioid capital of the entire state) has nothing to offer either in the way of rowdy bachelor or bachelorette party places. The wildest you can get in Manch Vegas is The Muse Paint Bar where you learn to paint a picture and sip wine and nibble snacks all night, yahoo!
The selected campground has five swimming pools and there are cabins, but one can bring their camper and camp just shy of the pool area. Well, since we have Sean's camper one of the hens thought that a great idea, take THAT and stock it with booze and goodies and go get a tan. OK!
Off they all went as I watched Sean's camper lumber down the driveway, shaking me head that this was not going to end well because . . . HEDDA was in that camper and how did I know this? Not only because I could hear her booming voice a 1/4 mile away, but because an hour before their rumbling down the driveway, I saw her car swerving down my driveway to the house! Her loud voice swearing like a sailor that she forgot this or that and well I will not repeat her language out of respect for you R. Linda and the reading public, but you can well imagine.
I stay well shy of Hedda when I know she's coming by. I am not one for the sloppy kiss that just misses my lips, and the bear hug that is almost impossible to wiggle out of. I stay well back and inside the house if at all possible! And more so this time when I saw the shiner she was sporting under her right eye. Seems she got into a head-butting argy with the boyfriend two nights before and well things got ugly she beat him up, and he, in turn, head-butted her in the eye. I was thinking to meself how she'd look walking down the aisle, bouquet in hand, step by slow step, shiner for all to see!
I figured for me a restful weekend of doing pretty much nothing was on tap, and I was happy to see them go. This meant no gardening, no pulling weeds, no running to the store twenty times for forgotten food items, no kiddos telling me they are "telling mommy!" Just restful hammock with iced tea time for yours truly.
And it was almost like that except for kiddos wanting a sleepover and me Mam approving it and me finding out I had to run to the general store for additional hamburger (or hamburg meat as they call it up here) and loads of crisps and soda! For my own sanity the next day with me own hellions running about with the three sleepover participants, I found refuge in the garden so I weeded anyway just to be out of the kiddo line of fire. I figured me Mam manifested this, she could handle it. Oi!
Sunday I saw the visitors off as their parents came to pick them up. I had me own three cleaning their rooms because it looked like they had set up each room to look like the garbage barge in Star Wars. I then took meself to my hammie with a large glass of iced tea and was about to flop down for a nap when I heard the crunch of tyres on the driveway gravel. I popped open one eye, eyebrow raised, and yes, there it was Sean's camper ambling towards the house. I was surprised I didn't expect the "girls" back until late in the afternoon, or early evening.
They drove passed me with a half-hearted wave and they looked none too happy. I hauled meself up and went over to greet them and the first thing I heard as I walked up was, "Stupid Hedda!"
Well, obviously as I looked and counted heads, one Hedda was missing. I asked where she was and was told they did not know.
"What? What do you mean you don't know? You left her at the campground?"
"No, she got a ride with some guy." One of the hens informed me as she jumped out of the camper.
Well, seems Hedda (who is and likes to be the centre of attention), upon arrival at the campground had downed several beers on the way and was feeling pretty frisky. So frisky that when she alighted she walked up to some unsuspecting individual and told him he looked pretty fine and she proceeded to dry hump him right there in the parking area, in front of a lot of kiddos running about and one asking her mother, "What's that lady doing to that man?" What indeed small fry! The small child's eyes were covered and she was whisked away while her mother gave Hedda the evil eye.
Once the man freed himself he took off and Hedda not happy about that proceeded to snap at the small children who were curious about her and came over to ask her what she was doing to Uncle Jack. Yes, that's the way to go kiddies! Geezums as the Weasil would say.
This rejection by Uncle Jack and the insatiable curiosity of the small fry put Ms. Hedda in a very bad mood to which she took off to the camper, got herself a few more beers and proceeded to the pool area where she plopped herself down and talked to everyone within earshot about what, I don't even want to think, but by the time the other hens joined her she seemed to be on an island by herself, everyone else moved well back.
It wasn't long before the hens found themselves bickering with Hedda over "stupid stuff," as me eldest would say. They all headed to the jacuzzi with Hedda lurching unsteadily after them (everyone at the jacuzzi scrambling to leave before Hedda arrived, leaving a few who had no clue still lounging in the warm water), this after they advised her to go back to the camper and sleep it off! Nah.
Once in the water the bridal veil was placed on Liz's head and general laughter and jokes of the bachelotte variety were spewed forth and everyone was having a good time until a hefty splash that heralded the arrival of Hedda. Of course with a belly flop that took most of the water out of the large jacuzzi (me imagining haha), everyone who did not know of Hedda's antics, who was in the whirling water turned to see if a moose had fallen in, but when they saw who it was, well, small children were ushered to another of the five pools while looks of disdain met the "drunken moose" in the jacuzzi and the rest of the jacuzzi populace scattered, leaving the bridal party floundering in the waves from the belly flop.
Well, the hens had had enough and the final straw was Hedda yelling at some man who was passing by to come join her (he didn't, he hoofed to another area quickly) and the hens started clucking. They got into it, several so disgusted they told Hedda what they thought of her and well, this started an argy-bargy that got loud until they all got dripping from the pool leaving the offending creature bobbing in that large jacuzzi by herself.
They regrouped about two hours later to go to the restaurant, but between them, they knew Hedda would find them and another embarrassing scene would ensue. So they decided to grill hamburgers at the campground instead, trying to stay well away from the other campers. The smell of beef dripping over the coals must have enticed our miscreant to the camper where she proceeded to take a spatula from one hen and start flipping the burgers making giant flames shoot up as the grease spattered everywhere. After an unsatisfying dinner of burnt burgers the ladies retired to around the campfire and then and there Hedda and the former burger flipper got into it over the fact that Hedda remarked sarcastically that she met up with the hen's boyfriend a few days ago and all she got out of him was a hug.
The hen took exception that Hedda would even try something on her boyfriend and well, it got loud and except for the popping of beer lids, the powers that control the campground came over to tell them to bring it to a dull roar. This embarrassed everyone but Hedda and they started to drift off to bed.
The next morning several of them were outside brewing coffee when Tonya got a text message on her phone to please come in the camper NOW because Hedda had crawled in bed with her and HELP!
Oh boy.
It was 30 minutes later with everyone eating breakfast by the campfire that Hedda came lurching out of the camper to the smell of coffee and food. She gave them all the evil eye, said nothing to their good mornings, and took someone's half-empty coffee mug, threw the contents on the ground and poured herself some coffee as the amazed hen and owner of the mug said, "Hey I wasn't finished with that!"
"Well, ya should be." Was the snide answer as Hedda sipped the hot brew.
Everyone agreed including the bride-to-be, that the trip should end early, they'd all had enough. They started packing up while Hedda sat and sipped coffee in a snit and when they were ready to go, the mug owner asked for her cup back. Hedda not finished and feeling slighted as only Hedda could over nothing, got up and shoved the mug at the woman spilling coffee grounds down the front of her tee shirt. This, as you can well imagine, brought a general clucking from the hens at Hedda's disrespect which further put Hedda in a very bad mood.
"Hedda, are you coming?" Tonya asked as everyone started piling in.
"Nope."
"Well, we are leaving so I suggest you get in here," Tonya said exasperated.
"Nope, go on I'll get home on my own. Just LEAVE!"
After a few minutes of debating what to do, the hens realised that forcing Hedda would cause another embarrassing scene so they slowly started pulling away, as Hedda resumed her seat at the dying fire with her back to them. As they called one last time they got the finger raised in their direction and that was that.
What an exciting weekend, right? So sorry I missed it, NOT! Anyway, since then Hedda has head-butted another man, who was not happy about that and he went to shove her away but hit her in the other eye, so now she has one yellowish eye and another black one. This got back to the bride who went to Hedda's house to see for herself the damage and wowzers, that did it for Liz. Hedda was out of the wedding ("I didn't wanna be in it anyway") and she was told not to show up, ("You can't stop me!") so this weekend is the big day. I can hardly wait because I know that Hedda will show up one way or the other to start trouble. I mean think about it, she will have a crowd of 160 people to put on a show for. Just think of the material I'll have to regale you with. Of course, Ben told me he was going "to carry just in case." I was like "Just in case?" what? Carrying? What a gun? Is he thinking of doing a Wyatt Earp and putting Hedda out of her misery so the rest of us don't suffer too? I be not sure what the gun thing be about but me Mam chided him over it. He said no, not a gun a bottle of cinnamon hot whiskey because he thinks he'll need it. I have no more to say.
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
2 comments:
Cinnamon hot? Ugh! Should be an interesting wedding and do take notes I want to hear all about it, because I firmly believe it will be memorable, LOL.
time for a bouncer and a direct line to the police station. anyone ever heard of rehab and intervention? alcohol and anger management?
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