Benjamin Mahoney Outs Himself To The Police Unintentionally

09 September 2018
Story #927

R. Linda:

It all started on a Saturday, when Ben Mahoney found himself dateless, girlfriend-less, friendless, and bored out of what mind he had. Yes, we've all been there, where we're in a temporary funk, feeling unloved, unwanted, just worthless. But it never lasts long because there be the last resort of that favourite comfort food COOKIES that we either go out and buy them, or in some cases decide to bake ourselves, and when we have gorged ourselves in their sweetness, feel much better in general.

Just recently, before Sean found himself a girlfriend, he'd been moping around doing pretty much nothing but complaining about his life. Yes, he was a real downer to be around, until he decided to treat himself to a treat! Not having the inclination to drive his camper to the general store, he instead rummaged around the camper in the quest for chocolate chip cookie fixings. Well, he didn't have a recipe because me dumb arse cousin thought "How hard is it to bake cookies?"

So, he put the mixture together and then had rounded teaspoons of the dough set out on the baking tin. The oven was at 350 degrees F, and in they went. Only they never puffed up, instead they melted into each other into a giant cookie tin mess.

Yes, his not-too-smart self forgot the butter. So, cleanup was not a breeze. But back to Benjamin Mahoney, cookie baker not extraordinaire, but more in Sean's camp.

After a morning of mooning about his flat, Benjamin watched as much telly as he could stomach, and it seemed every commercial had a loving couple (which added to Benjamin's blues) or they were hawking sweets. Since he could do nothing about the significant other, he decided on cookies. Yes, that was the ticket: bake some cookies and feel better.

To the pantry he went, well, not pantry, kitchen counter more like, and he set about getting the ingredients together. But as often happens, that burst of energy and good idea fizzled, and he was back at the telly feeling sorry for himself. As often happens, since the energy to bake had left him, he decided to drink a few beers, which by lunchtime had dwindled from two six-packs to one can. Finding he did not have enough cash to go to the package store, he did the next best thing in his mind, he got some cocaine from a neighbour and proceeded to "do the drug" and pretty much zone out. Only he didn't, zone out that is. Instead, Benjamin got the munchies. Going through the kitchen cabinets and not finding anything he really wanted, he once again turned to the thought of baking cookies. He could make two dozen or more and spend the afternoon watching the football game and munching away his doldrums.

Well, somehow and unlike me cousin Sean, Benjamin got the ingredients right, but for some unexplained reason, he decided the cookies would bake faster on the cooktop instead of in the oven. Yes, R. Linda, when one be mixing alcohol and cocaine, one doesn't stop to think things through.

Ben got the burners going on the cooktop and placed his cookie sheets, one on each set of burners. And as a result, the heat made Benjamin quite warm, so he stripped off his shirt.

The cookies appeared to be starting to cook quickly, with a simmering sound around the edges and a slight browning. However, the heat was terrible, so Benjamin took off all his clothing because he was... well, he was hot! And anyway, he was in his own home, who would see him?

He stood and watched the cookies rise for a whole two seconds before he heard the game coming on in the living room, and so he took off to see what was being said, leaving the cookies quite unattended.

Being zeroed in on the telly screen because of the drugs taking over his brain, he forgot entirely about the cooktop cookies! Yes, he did. It was a neighbour who pulled into the parking lot who noticed the black smoke snaking out of Ben's half-open window. Alarmed by this (this guy's flat was right next door), he ran up the stairs and pounded on Ben's door, but Ben had the telly up loud and never heard the banging. Further alarmed that his Benjamin had passed out from smoke inhalation, the neighbour tried pushing the door in, but Benjamin had blocked it because when he took cocaine, he had a fear of the minions of the law come a calling.

Frustrated by his attempts to yell Ben's name, the neighbour dialled 911 and called the police and fire department. It wasn't but a few minutes before both arrived, and by this time, Ben had heard the sirens and was curious about what the commotion was. Before the police and fire could break down his door, he removed everything upon hearing a lot of noise outside the door. He opened it as smoke billowed out, moving everyone back, but Ben, who was standing with his back to the fire in his kitchen, had no clue and completely forgot he was presenting himself fully nude for the world to see.

Well, the whole lot was sorted and Ben led away in fist-a-cuffs wearing nothing but a towel his neighbour threw to the police to try to save what little was left of Ben's dignity. The flat was pretty much gutted by the fire, the cookies were black and incinerated, and well, the whole episode of feeling better about oneself was a disaster. Now our Ben be awaiting trial for being in possession of a controlled substance, reckless endangerment and public indecency. They fined him for equipment and services from the fire department. The owner of the flats is suing for recompense. Lastly, I have to wonder: can they charge him for being an idiot?

Let me tell ya, I can't make this up any better than the real deal.

Gabe
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