Hoping This Won't Be An Annual Event

17 June 2018
Story #913

R. Linda:

Ah, Father's Day 2018, what new and exciting adventures could it bring? That wasn't my thinking when I woke up, no, I was thinking of relaxing, with nothing to do but eat all day. Usually, on Father's Day, I be greeted by some inedible breakfast the boyos have put together, and after a few nibbles, we all get dressed and go to the British place for an edible breakfast. Well, neither of those things happened. For one, the boyos knew ahead of time what the plan was, so they didn't make me some inedible delicacies to break me teeth on, and sadly, I rather missed that. I know boo-hoo. The second I knew it wasn't going to happen because the Brit place be now only open for dinner. But there was a new place I thought we'd try, so I said nothing, just expectant about what was planned for breakfast. The rest of the day, I wanted to meself if possible. And every year that never happens, but I be determined this year, I will do nothing but lie in me hammy with a cold glass of iced tea and nap the day away.

Such laid plans, huh? I came down to coffee, which be a necessity before any outing. We leisurely went out to the back deck and sipped the hot stuff while the kiddos drew me Father's Day cards. I got T-shirts from all three with the usual frightful writings or drawings on them, and then the ladies (me wife and mam) discussed where to go for breakfast. That went downhill fast when we mam got the idea we should go have "dose breakfast sannies at da flea market." The boyos jumped for joy at that, and Tonya was resigned that she supposed everyone was all for a trip to the flea market. Now, I, for one, was not, but they all forgot what day it was and started getting ready for the trip.

I have never been to an American flea market. I kind of knew what to expect, but I was sure people didn't go there for the eats. AND I be right! I paid the $2.00 parking fee to a sweaty, sunburned man who told me he was "dying" from the heat. I should have paid more attention to that. The temperature was 85 degrees, and there was no shade. All the stands were open-air, so you perused the stalls with the desert heat pounding down on you. I was dripping sweat (like everyone else) by the time I reached the end of one row.

The boyos decided they were hungry, so the refreshment stand was nearby, and off we went. I saw the breakfast sandwich that me mam was all about, and it dripped grease, so I decided on a steamed hot dog. While we were waiting for our order, a woman with a young husky dog was telling someone with a border collie that it was okay, as their dogs had met; hers was very tame. I thought famous last words as her dog lunged for the collie. I distinctly remembered a sign that said, 'No Dogs.' The place was full of them. Next thing I know the Husky lady is in line and her dog on a long leash, was making his way to the counter and once there, was standing on hind legs, forepaws on the counter where food is passed and she's back there on the end of the long leash smiling about how adorable he was. I didn't think he was adorable; he was slobbering on the counter and barking at the people behind it. We all stepped back, which gave him more room to get closer to the takeout window. His owner moved up a few paces so he could cause a commotion at the window, all the while she smiled at how cute he was. I have a word, and it isn't cute. I never even heard that word until I moved here.

We all moved to the side, and the people in front decided to let her go ahead to get rid of her and her mutt. When she got to the window, she said, "There is a silver car with Mass plates with the windows down about a crack, and there are four dogs inside. In this heat that is cruel, can you alert someone and have those dogs taken?"

Now, I had just passed that same car because as I came upon it, the dogs saw me and started barking at me and anyone who came near the vehicle. The motor was running, and the AC was on. Yes, the windows were open a crack, but those dogs did not look hot, and the owner had a stall in front of the vehicle. So really? This woman was starting trouble? If the AC wasn't on, I'd say yeah, cause for alarm, but not the case at all.

By that time, me hot dog came, and it was steamed all right. The bun was a soggy mess with a soggy bottom that condiments dripped through onto my jeans. It was tasteless, and the only redeeming quality was the cold can of Coca-Cola I had bought to accompany it. I turned around to people watch and almost barfed up me rubber hot dog at the sight that greeted me only inches from me face. Standing with her back to me was a biker chick in cut-off jeans where most of her lower arse cheeks were slapping the back of her knees. I tell ya! And it was Father's Day, who needed that sight? I promptly turned around to see Tonya laughing at me.

When all the greasy sandwiches were consumed, we strolled on into the heart of the market. The kiddos had to stop at every toy stall there was, and there was a lot of broken junk for sale. I must have said several times, "You don't want it, it is broken." Finally, I could take no more of the heat, so I took meself to the only shade tree on the grounds and finished off me lukewarm Coke. While I was standing there, a Goth girl wearing black (on the hottest day of the year), her skin bleached whiter than white, wearing black eye makeup and worse black lipstick, came strolling me way under a Chinese umbrella. She gave me a garish smile of yellow teeth shocking against the black lips and white skin. She was a tundra in herself, as I thought I could feel the earth shake with every step she took in me direction. I couldn't run; it was too hot, and she had her sights set on yours truly.

"Hot day in it?" She drawled at me with a gushing smile.

"Oh yeah, you can say that." I was trying to be polite and at the same time get around her to make me escape, but there was so much of her!

"You see anything you like?" She asked, playing the coquette.

I knew she didn't mean on the tables, she meant her. And NO HELLS NO, I saw nothing that I liked! It was then that me mam came over and, seeing the situation, grabbed hold of me arm and said to the vampire,  "Oh here be me sunny buy, lost 'em in da crowd I did." And off she dragged me into the heat, the vampire looking none too happy to have her victim taken away.

And I don't know what was worse, mam took me over to a birdbath booth with the most blinding and blazing glittery bowls that when the sun hit them, you couldn't see for the glare that put one in a state of temporary blindness.

"Which one of dese should we git fer Tonya's garden?" Mam asked me, and I pointed, but I didn't know what it was, because I couldn't see. However, she told the man to wrap it up; she was taking it home. The next thing I know I have this wrapped-up bowl being shoved into me arms to carry along with a pole that it would sit on once installed.

"Hold on ta dat dere pole dere Gabriel, ya might need it if dat fat vampire gits ya again." Mam quipped.

This is what I pointed at, one of the least blinding

It was shortly after that that the boyos wanted ice cream, so I took everyone to the ice cream stand. There was no vanilla (the choice of the majority), but there was chocolate. I ordered chocolate cones, but when the chocolate ice cream came out of the nozzles, it was soup, so I cancelled the cones. The man was all about the heat influencing the temperature of the soft-serve ice cream machines. I was all about getting the hell out of a hot, dusty Dodge, which I did. By the time we got to the car, no one wanted ice cream; they just wanted the AC and to get home.

We are all prostrated with heat stroke, no one wants to do anything, so it looks like I may have a do-nothing day after all. The only problem is that it's too fecking hot to lie in a hammock and sip iced tea. So I be stuck inside writing this instead.

Oh, and I will not be going to the flea market ever again. I thought antiques and memorabilia would be in good condition, but I found nothing but trash for sale, and it was broken at that. Live and learn.

Gabe
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