Kip Interrupted . . . As Well As A Diet

28 May 2018
Story #909

R. Linda:

For the past three weeks, I have been put on a diet. That muffin top you helped create years ago with the tons of fudge you sent is back! I have been eating out more of late because work be crazy, and getting home for a home-cooked meal is a rare occasion of late. Therefore, yours truly packed on a food belt, otherwise known as a muffin top. Yes, it is back! The wife be alarmed that I would be turning into a pear, so she took steps to stop the muffin top. Yes, she did. She has me eating salads so much that me nose twitches at the sight of lettuce, yogurt the Greek low cal kind, J-ello -- no whipped cream, lots and lots of veggies like this, for instance:

Ratatouille, delicious but leftovers for three days . . . not so much

The weather be conducive to napping and forgetting what one was being forced to consume. It got chilly and rained last night, leaving the day grey and gloomy with the wind up. That took care of any garden slog the ladies of the house had planned for yours truly, and miraculously, there was nothing inside that needed the handyman touch. That meant I could lay meself on the couch and snooze away for all intents and purposes. Well, that would be if I lived by meself, but with three small kiddos, a busy wife, a mother living with us, a mother-in-law who won't go home, and the freeloading cousin and his friend, the noise level does not lend itself to a restful nap of any kind. Therefore, though I tried, I was in and out of consciousness and bits and pieces of conversation filtered into me semi-dreams.

I remember hearing the telly in the background, and Sean was sitting in the chair where me feet hung off the couch. I could hear the sound of cheering and then booing coming from the set. I cocked open one eye to see a massive crowd of Irish football fans, drinks in their hands, Irish flags being waved in others, and all facing balcony apartments across from a drinking establishment in Paris, of all places. This got both eyes open as you can well imagine.

The cheering occurred when an older gent came out on his balcony, and when he disappeared inside, booing erupted. Every time the man came out, a great cheer erupted with much joy until he popped back inside, rather flummoxed as to why he was being cheered. The crowd would boo loudly until he tentatively came back out and then cheers even louder than the last time. This went on for quite a while, the man on the balcony finally getting "it" to where each time he'd appear, he raised his arms for the cheers and kept them going until his arms seemed to tire, and off he'd go back inside.

If you're interested, you can go here to view it: https://youtu.be/Ipg4oxNw2b4

I grew tired of the antics and closed me eyes. I could hear the rattle of a spoon on the plate, and I think Sean was eating J-ello with whipped cream. It seems his friend Lonnie (a transplant from Killarney who is visiting him) was with him, eating the same at the other end of the couch. Yes, it was stereo.

"That's cracking that, yeah?" Seam said, pointing at his J-ello.

"Aye, 'tis the best," Lonnie said, looking at his bowl.

"It tastes better here than anywhere else," Sean said, his voice volume on low.

"You have it crack on," Lonnie roared, oblivious to me trying to sleep. "American J-ello tastes better than back home."

"I'm a wee bit muddled. Why are you shouting?" I asked Lonnie through half-opened lids.

"I'm not shoutin', am I?" He asked. "The cream on dis here be like I died and went ta heaven. An even beatah, the bootah and brandy sauce make the dish."

"What?" I opened me eyes to see that, yes, indeed, the arse had put brandy butter sauce on top of his J-ello and whipped cream. "Ugh, I don't know how you can eat it like that."

"Since when did you become a food critic?" Sean asked.

"Since people should be eating in the kitchen, not where someone is trying to get some kip," I said, annoyed. I shut me eyes to blot them out and tried to snooze again.

They left and came back in seconds. I tell ya! Me Mam had come in quietly and was knitting across from me. I drifted off as all was quiet except for the clacking of the knitting needles and spoons scraping bowls, which, odd as it seems, lulled me into a much-wanted nap.

But once again, through the haze of not being quite there in dreamland, I hear me Mam's voice, "You jus con't let it go, kin ye?"

"Doont make me unpack on ye now," Sean said with a laugh.

"Wow, a lot to unpack, dere." She chuckled.

Sean started whining about Rose, the one he broke off with many moons ago, and a frustrated Dragon (who must have come in while I attempted to sleep) asked him who Ross was. She had come into the room with a bowl of J-ello and was standing over the couch.

Sean uses the Irish "Roos", which is the way he pronounces Rose, and she was thinking he was gay suddenly. Once he got that straightened, Sean made it worse by saying Roos had the nicest 'breests' he's ever seen, at which me Mam told him to hush. Again, Dragon was confused and asked what they were breests, and I whispered to her, "breasts."

"Gosh, really?" She blurted out.

"Change da subject NOW," Mam ordered.

"Can ye all go in the kitchen with the goodies, please?" I was annoyed because I was tired of the sight of J-ello, especially the homemade whipped cream I could not have.

"Wots wit ye?" Lonnie asked me.

"Oh, he's jus sore. He be on a diet and con't eat the cream." Sean volunteered.

"I've bean on a diet before I got 'ere, green juice, almonds, an' da best potato crisps," Lonnie said.

That got an "Oh my" from Mam.

"All mixed together?" Tonya asked, popping in and not helping. For a quick second, me heart stopped thinking she thought that was a good idea and would try it on me!

"So Lonnie, did you think Roos would look like that when you first met her?" Mam asked to inject some levity and end Lonnie's diet talk.

"I recognised her from her wanted poster at the post office," Lonnie said, not missing a beat.

"Her name will be a household name, at least here, isn't that right, Sean?" Tonya joked back as I opened one eye because I couldn't resist.

"Only in her own hoosehold," Mam said, taking a sip of elderberry wine I had not seen before and nodding.

"Intrastin'." Sean joined in, seemingly amused.

"Too bad the man with the good hair couldn't be here," I said out loud, forgetting you weren't there since good hair always comes into the conversation somehow.

"He's probably congregating French verbs somewhere," Tonya interjected, knowing who I meant.

"Must tell Linda," I mumbled, drifting off.

I actually slept! I thought it had been hours, but in reality, it was a whole ten-minute kip! I was rudely awakened by the youngest pouncing on me chest to tell me "sumthin" important. Yes, he had forgotten to unpack his school backpack and found schoolwork he needed to give me. There was a discussion in an assembly where the grades were given a lesson on the earth and how to keep her healthy. The speaker handed out yellow hearts, and each student was to write what they thought they could do to help the earth survive. Guido told me he said he would recycle plastics, but the youngest had a much more innovative idea of what he would do. See below:

Yup, the youngest be all about the rabbits!
 

Where this came from, I have notta clue. We have no pet rabbits, and the coyote have eaten any rabbits in the wild around here, so I dunno where in his brain he got this from. Probably because we watched the Peter Rabbit movie the other night.

As it turned out, Gabe had no catnap, and too many people closed in for the day, making for everyone under everyone else's feet. The kitchen was open; Mam had put down the knitting and was cooking Irish favourites, and the clatter of cutlery was loud, along with the laughing and chat. We were joined by Mam's "friend" Ben, who, driving by, saw the lights and said it looked so cosy he decided to stop. How could he see the lights on at the back of the house with a heavily wooded driveway to where you didn't even know there was a house back here? I have notta clue he wasn't telling a tale he was.

So much for rest and relaxation . . . though I cannot really complain. The food was fab, and no one, particularly the woman who forced me on a diet, noticed I was making up for lost meals by devouring everything in sight. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop when SHE realises the culinary crime that was committed. So far, so good. Today, I'm eating yogurt in front of her like it never happened yesterday, haha.

Me fav was the rainbow cookies Ton and the boyos made; see below:

Rainbow cookies, YUM

Gabe
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