02 February 2018
896
R. Linda:
Me Mam has a male friend who lives down the road. She sees him at the general store and over time they have become friends. He'd like to be more than that, but after me Da, me Mam be shy of another relationship -- ever. The old fella respects this and so they have coffee once a week down at the store and he has been to the house to fix anything she needs repaired (because we know I be the furthest thing from Mr. Fixit).
Recently, she got an invitation to a dinner with a plus one which she didn't know what that was. I informed her she could bring a guest along if she wanted.
"Luck an' escort?" She asked.
"Yes, like that, it can be a woman friend as well," I said.
She thought about it and then reasoned her logic out loud more to see what my reaction might be methinks.
"Well . . . I could ask Ben, ya know Ben dat lives down da rood who fixed da dryer vent fer me."
"Oh yes, he's very nice," I said.
"Well . . . I could ask em' but I doont want em' ta git da wrong idea."
"What idea be that?"
"Well . . . dat I be interested in em' ya knoo." She was squirming a little.
"I think if you tell him you are invited to a dinner and you think he might like to come because you have an extra invitation, and a. thanks for fixing the dryer vent, and God knows what else will break and you'll have him down to fix it, so without saying how much you enjoy his company, so you don't give him THAT impression," she cut me off.
"Ay, ay," she hissed, "sum tymes ye doo goo on ya doo."
The dinner wasn't a formal one which was why I encouraged her to invite Ben. Ben is the furthest thing from an executive type. I doubt he owns a suit and tie, and if he did, I'd be very surprised. He's a good old boy as they refer to the casual, good-hearted lumberjack types up here. I thought he'd be a perfect non-date since she enjoys his company and he enjoys hers. So she did ask him and he said yes.
The night he came to pick her up for the dinner, he was dressed in a new shirt (the creases from the wrapper were obvious bless his heart), and he had on a clean pair of dockers, not exactly what Mam hoped for (she calls them old men pants) and the leather on his lumberjack-like boots was spit and polished. He looked fine except for the goose-down vest. Yup, the vest was his underpinning. There he was, hair combed, beard trimmed, bright and shiny, in clean clothes and there was that vest. It was the vest he wore every day, it had tree sap stains on it and God knows what else. And it was a rusty orange colour from the dirt. It must have been one of those bright orange hunting vests when it was new, which might have been forty years ago.
Mam was horrified but only I could tell knowing her so well. I was trying telepathically to tell her not to say anything, but that didn't work.
"Benjamin doont ye have a better coot?"
Ben looked down at his vest and was stunned that he didn't look as good as he thought. He stammered and sputtered and then said, why no this was it, but no one was going to see him in his vest so . . .
I thought he had a point and foolishly said so, to which a dirty look was thrown my way by the little woman herself. She was not having it and because I made the mistake of voicing me opinion when it wasn't asked for, she went to the hall closet and got one of my coats for Ben to wear.
I was too much in shock to protest but she came trotting over and made him take his vest off and shrug into my rather nice cashmere half coat that Tonya had got me for Christmas. Stunned to silence I stood there watching her button him up and he was red in the face but complying. What is wrong with us men when a woman does the unthinkable, or in this case unthinkably surprising and we can't seem to utter a fecking word?
She began ushering him out the door and whispered to me that I had plenty of coats.
"But that be my Christmas coat," I whispered back at her, "why did it have to be THAT coat?"
"Oh hush now Gabriel, it be on loan fer one night what could happen ta it?"
What indeed?
I didn't tell the wife what happened to the Christmas present she was so proud of giving me. No, I kept that to meself and stayed up to await the two oldsters' return so I'd get the coat in the closet before Tonya was wise to what had transpired.
Luckily Tonya went to bed so she didn't witness the fact that Ben dropped Mam off and went home. He knew he wasn't coming in for a nightcap so he went on home instead WEARING ME COAT! Me new Christmas present coat that if Tonya found out, she'd never buy me anything again and worse she'd probably skin me alive to boot.
You're probably saying, "Gabe, just tell Tonya what happened." The problem was, that me Mam would deny it was HER idea to lend Ben the coat. She'd convince Tonya it was MINE! I know the little woman she's cagey and can lie like a rug when it suits her purpose of self-preservation.
I skirted around for three days without me coveted Christmas coat. Tonya noticed on day three it wasn't around to which I said it was in the cleaners.
"What already? What did you spill on it coffee?" She asked annoyed.
"Uh yeah," I said quickly moving off to make like I was busy.
As I passed by me Mam who heard that exchange. I whispered for her to go get that coat today, not a moment later.
"Yer such a nancy about dat coot." She snipped at me.
"You'd be if Tonya was the one that gave it to you, and you know how much it cost I be sure. Probably got tobacco and sap stains all over it by now. He doesn't have another coat you heard him, so what's he been wearing these past few days, huh?"
Well, she did go fetch it, and thank goodness it is back and it be no worse for the borrowed wear. I was not looking forward to going to work in that rusty used to be orange vest, I can tell ya that much I can. So I am breathing a sigh of relief on many counts you can be sure.
Gabe
Copyright © 2018 All rights reserved
896
R. Linda:
Me Mam has a male friend who lives down the road. She sees him at the general store and over time they have become friends. He'd like to be more than that, but after me Da, me Mam be shy of another relationship -- ever. The old fella respects this and so they have coffee once a week down at the store and he has been to the house to fix anything she needs repaired (because we know I be the furthest thing from Mr. Fixit).
Recently, she got an invitation to a dinner with a plus one which she didn't know what that was. I informed her she could bring a guest along if she wanted.
"Luck an' escort?" She asked.
"Yes, like that, it can be a woman friend as well," I said.
She thought about it and then reasoned her logic out loud more to see what my reaction might be methinks.
"Well . . . I could ask Ben, ya know Ben dat lives down da rood who fixed da dryer vent fer me."
"Oh yes, he's very nice," I said.
"Well . . . I could ask em' but I doont want em' ta git da wrong idea."
"What idea be that?"
"Well . . . dat I be interested in em' ya knoo." She was squirming a little.
"I think if you tell him you are invited to a dinner and you think he might like to come because you have an extra invitation, and a. thanks for fixing the dryer vent, and God knows what else will break and you'll have him down to fix it, so without saying how much you enjoy his company, so you don't give him THAT impression," she cut me off.
"Ay, ay," she hissed, "sum tymes ye doo goo on ya doo."
The dinner wasn't a formal one which was why I encouraged her to invite Ben. Ben is the furthest thing from an executive type. I doubt he owns a suit and tie, and if he did, I'd be very surprised. He's a good old boy as they refer to the casual, good-hearted lumberjack types up here. I thought he'd be a perfect non-date since she enjoys his company and he enjoys hers. So she did ask him and he said yes.
The night he came to pick her up for the dinner, he was dressed in a new shirt (the creases from the wrapper were obvious bless his heart), and he had on a clean pair of dockers, not exactly what Mam hoped for (she calls them old men pants) and the leather on his lumberjack-like boots was spit and polished. He looked fine except for the goose-down vest. Yup, the vest was his underpinning. There he was, hair combed, beard trimmed, bright and shiny, in clean clothes and there was that vest. It was the vest he wore every day, it had tree sap stains on it and God knows what else. And it was a rusty orange colour from the dirt. It must have been one of those bright orange hunting vests when it was new, which might have been forty years ago.
Mam was horrified but only I could tell knowing her so well. I was trying telepathically to tell her not to say anything, but that didn't work.
"Benjamin doont ye have a better coot?"
Ben looked down at his vest and was stunned that he didn't look as good as he thought. He stammered and sputtered and then said, why no this was it, but no one was going to see him in his vest so . . .
I thought he had a point and foolishly said so, to which a dirty look was thrown my way by the little woman herself. She was not having it and because I made the mistake of voicing me opinion when it wasn't asked for, she went to the hall closet and got one of my coats for Ben to wear.
I was too much in shock to protest but she came trotting over and made him take his vest off and shrug into my rather nice cashmere half coat that Tonya had got me for Christmas. Stunned to silence I stood there watching her button him up and he was red in the face but complying. What is wrong with us men when a woman does the unthinkable, or in this case unthinkably surprising and we can't seem to utter a fecking word?
She began ushering him out the door and whispered to me that I had plenty of coats.
"But that be my Christmas coat," I whispered back at her, "why did it have to be THAT coat?"
"Oh hush now Gabriel, it be on loan fer one night what could happen ta it?"
What indeed?
I didn't tell the wife what happened to the Christmas present she was so proud of giving me. No, I kept that to meself and stayed up to await the two oldsters' return so I'd get the coat in the closet before Tonya was wise to what had transpired.
Luckily Tonya went to bed so she didn't witness the fact that Ben dropped Mam off and went home. He knew he wasn't coming in for a nightcap so he went on home instead WEARING ME COAT! Me new Christmas present coat that if Tonya found out, she'd never buy me anything again and worse she'd probably skin me alive to boot.
You're probably saying, "Gabe, just tell Tonya what happened." The problem was, that me Mam would deny it was HER idea to lend Ben the coat. She'd convince Tonya it was MINE! I know the little woman she's cagey and can lie like a rug when it suits her purpose of self-preservation.
I skirted around for three days without me coveted Christmas coat. Tonya noticed on day three it wasn't around to which I said it was in the cleaners.
"What already? What did you spill on it coffee?" She asked annoyed.
"Uh yeah," I said quickly moving off to make like I was busy.
As I passed by me Mam who heard that exchange. I whispered for her to go get that coat today, not a moment later.
"Yer such a nancy about dat coot." She snipped at me.
"You'd be if Tonya was the one that gave it to you, and you know how much it cost I be sure. Probably got tobacco and sap stains all over it by now. He doesn't have another coat you heard him, so what's he been wearing these past few days, huh?"
Well, she did go fetch it, and thank goodness it is back and it be no worse for the borrowed wear. I was not looking forward to going to work in that rusty used to be orange vest, I can tell ya that much I can. So I am breathing a sigh of relief on many counts you can be sure.
Gabe
Copyright © 2018 All rights reserved
5 comments:
Your mum's a rascal. LOL
You’ve got that straight.
ROFLMAO it's a coat Gabe! NOT underwear .
You sound like me Mam.
your britishness shows in the word escort. here an escort is entirely something else ROFLMAO. i'd not be happy if I bought Rowan an expensive coat and it was out on loan.
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