19 November 2017
Story #887
R. Linda:
Oh, the price we pay to save a few hard-earned dollars, let me tell ya. I can picture it all happening in me mind, I can. Yes indeed, Mam has complained about the high prices in this country and she's always looking for a bargain. And she has got quite good at finding such. Oh yes, she has until the other day.
It all started with Weasil, who had recovered from his hot wings experience and dropped by to show us he was no worse for wear. I wasn't home, so he was in the kitchen commiserating about the high cost of living with me, woebegone Mam, when I walked in and heard her complain long and loud about the problem of owning a black vehicle.
"It gits so durty ye noo," she was moaning, "I hate payin' fur a woosh eveah week, I due."
"Wellie, there iz a wash jus' the next townie over an' it iz $13, not $20 a pop," Weasil said, leaning on an elbow as he grabbed a scone.
"Ooh yeah?" Says she. "I should goo dere, I should."
"Yup, ya should an dey give yer a free air freshener," Weasil said, munching.
Well, I paid this no mind really, I was more concerned the Weas would eat all those delicious homemade scones, so I set it down and joined the afternoon tea party, which went on to other subjects. When he was leaving, I did hear him tell me little grey-haired, apple-cheeked Mam where the car wash was, and so I thought no more of it.
The Saturday before last, Mam decided it be a nice day, she would take her motor to Weasil's recommended car wash and off she went. That was me opportunity to go out to the kitchen, put the kettle on and eat the leftover scones.
Meanwhile, Mam pulled into the new car wash place and saw the signs that read: We hand wash the grime off your car. No harsh detergents or machines to ruin your paint job. Our power wash rinses the soap off, and we hand towel your car dry!
Well, it doesn't get any better than that, does it? So, she thinks she can go inside the little building and wait for her car to be cleaned, just like in the "old days." She can sip her cuppa and peruse a magazine or two, and then get in the clean vehicle and go home.
She pulled up, handed over her $13 buckaroos and started to get out of her car, but the man said she could stay in and watch the process. Well, not what she had in mind, and her dimpled little cheeks must have shown her disappointment. So, the man wants to keep her a happy customer and reaches around behind him, producing a box, yes, a box, R. Linda, of lemon-scented air fresheners. He tells her that while her car is in the rinse tunnel, she can open an air freshener and hang it on her mirror. Well, okay, she is all good with that because it isn't often you get anything for free, and here she had one over the Weasil; he got one air freshener, and she got an entire box, whoo-hoo!
She watched them remove the grim from black beauty, and she was set for the rinse. She had the motor in neutral, and it slowly started to pull into the tunnel as the water jets came on. She decides to open the box and enjoy the fragrance of lemon as she drives through, hoping to fill the car with that lemony freshness that seems such a clean smell. Right ho!
As she nears the rinse, she pops open the box, and inside are a dozen packets of lemon air freshener to fill the car. But that wasn't the only thing that filled her vehicle; there were "hundreds" of stink bugs on the bottom of the box that, once opened, made their escape. Oh yes, they did! And I should tell you, Mam has an aversion to said stink bugs, or any big armoured-looking bug, and well, it must have been like when I took me Sudanese co-worker through the wash for the first time, Mam went berserk! She couldn't get out of the car because she was in the middle of the rinse tunnel, and the jets were powerful; she was belted in, so she couldn't climb over the back seat. It was a horrible thing to happen, with moments of panic related to bugs. Finally, she took the top of her cane and started to smoosh the buggies that had all gathered on her windscreen. As you know, just picking one of those bugs up emits an odour like rotten grass, and well, need I tell you that smell overpowers any lemon that might have wafted out of the bug box?
She had the presence of mind to put her hair in order (as she was quite a bit frazzled from the unexpected experience), so when she came out of the tunnel, she'd look like nothing bad happened. She was too gobsmacked to think about chewing out the workers because she wasn't sure if she had lived through the bug attack or not. The interesting thing was that it took her a few moments to come back to the reality of it all. This happened when the men with the towels were polishing and rubbing at the windscreen from the outside, thinking the smeared mess was on their side of the window. It took a few moments before they looked at her quizzically, and she rolled down her window and explained the mess, but she couldn't quite get it out, being very upset. In her lap were dead stink bug bodies, oh yeah, there were. When she saw them in the daylight (it had been dark in the tunnel), she screamed and jumped out of the car. She so frightened the workers that they screamed too, not knowing why, but they did because the horror on her face was contagious.
What anyone around the scene must have thought, I'd pay a penny to know. There they were, three towel guys and me little Mam jumping around outside the dripping vehicle. Well, it was once they all comprehended what was on the seats, the windows, and dead on the ground (where fifty or more dead buggies had fallen to the concrete from Mam's lap), they all stepped away from the car. The manager was intrigued, probably more than he let on and came to find out what the ruckus was. In halting words, all of them tried to explain, but pointing to the creepy crawlers in the car and the dead ones on the ground explained, in an instant, what the trouble had been and still was.
It ended well (sort of) with the car being pulled around by one brave soul to a shop vac that sucked up the stragglers still crawling around in the car looking for a way out. Many apologies were given with three free car washes and her choice of fragrance next time around. I doubt there will be a next time. I say it ended well, because all the way back to the abode, Mam felt itchy and would pull over and open all the doors just in case the vacuum didn't get all the horde out. She immediately came in, threw herself into her shower, and put her clothing in the wash, but spent the rest of the day in a fog, scratching. Since then, I have been driving her car and she mine, because her car makes her itch, she says. She still can't get it out of her mind that the bugs are gone. I vacuumed her vehicle twice, and nothing.
Except for the other morning, I had her convinced to take her car back, but she told me one more day, and it's a good thing. As I was driving into Boston, a stink bug slowly lumbered across the windscreen, pretty near the lemon freshener I had stuck on the rearview mirror. Oh yeah, he was just taking his time, enjoying the sights of Boston coming up in view and there I was thinking how wonderful, I would be driving her car for the rest of me life because she was going to tell me that somehow the stink bugs mated and are now hatching in her car. Oh, yeah, I know she'll come up with that.
Knowing that bug would stink up the car, I left him be, yes, he, I had named him Stilton after the stinky blue cheese we Brits are famous for. I have found meself talking Stilton up on me drives to the city. I have asked him if he has a family hidden in the car, perhaps they are in the backseat and shy? But I did mean to be rid of him, after three days of only seeing "him" in the vehicle. I got home yesterday, me supposed last time being the driver of black beauty, and carefully took a tissue to Stilton to gently remove him. Still, he wasn't having any of that; he saw me coming, and those wings came out with that awful buzzing sound they make as I tried in vain to catch him. I opened all the windows in the hope that me hand chasing him around would make him fly out. But no, he wasn't going anywhere. I waited, and he landed on the back of the passenger's headrest. I slipped into the driver's seat and, as quickly as I could, I mushed him in that Kleenex, but the bad part of this was that Mam had pulled into the drive with my car and saw me! There was no masking that tell-tale odour of rotting grass, I tell ya!
So, you know, I am still driving that car in which the stench of the stink bug is overpowering the lemon air freshener. I now have seven lemon air fresheners trying to mask the Stilton stench, and I can still smell Stilton even when I'm not in that car! Meanwhile, Mam is busy signing over ownership of black beauty to me and wants me to sign me Saturn over to her.
Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved
Story #887
R. Linda:
Oh, the price we pay to save a few hard-earned dollars, let me tell ya. I can picture it all happening in me mind, I can. Yes indeed, Mam has complained about the high prices in this country and she's always looking for a bargain. And she has got quite good at finding such. Oh yes, she has until the other day.
It all started with Weasil, who had recovered from his hot wings experience and dropped by to show us he was no worse for wear. I wasn't home, so he was in the kitchen commiserating about the high cost of living with me, woebegone Mam, when I walked in and heard her complain long and loud about the problem of owning a black vehicle.
"It gits so durty ye noo," she was moaning, "I hate payin' fur a woosh eveah week, I due."
"Wellie, there iz a wash jus' the next townie over an' it iz $13, not $20 a pop," Weasil said, leaning on an elbow as he grabbed a scone.
"Ooh yeah?" Says she. "I should goo dere, I should."
"Yup, ya should an dey give yer a free air freshener," Weasil said, munching.
Well, I paid this no mind really, I was more concerned the Weas would eat all those delicious homemade scones, so I set it down and joined the afternoon tea party, which went on to other subjects. When he was leaving, I did hear him tell me little grey-haired, apple-cheeked Mam where the car wash was, and so I thought no more of it.
The Saturday before last, Mam decided it be a nice day, she would take her motor to Weasil's recommended car wash and off she went. That was me opportunity to go out to the kitchen, put the kettle on and eat the leftover scones.
Meanwhile, Mam pulled into the new car wash place and saw the signs that read: We hand wash the grime off your car. No harsh detergents or machines to ruin your paint job. Our power wash rinses the soap off, and we hand towel your car dry!
Well, it doesn't get any better than that, does it? So, she thinks she can go inside the little building and wait for her car to be cleaned, just like in the "old days." She can sip her cuppa and peruse a magazine or two, and then get in the clean vehicle and go home.
She pulled up, handed over her $13 buckaroos and started to get out of her car, but the man said she could stay in and watch the process. Well, not what she had in mind, and her dimpled little cheeks must have shown her disappointment. So, the man wants to keep her a happy customer and reaches around behind him, producing a box, yes, a box, R. Linda, of lemon-scented air fresheners. He tells her that while her car is in the rinse tunnel, she can open an air freshener and hang it on her mirror. Well, okay, she is all good with that because it isn't often you get anything for free, and here she had one over the Weasil; he got one air freshener, and she got an entire box, whoo-hoo!
She watched them remove the grim from black beauty, and she was set for the rinse. She had the motor in neutral, and it slowly started to pull into the tunnel as the water jets came on. She decides to open the box and enjoy the fragrance of lemon as she drives through, hoping to fill the car with that lemony freshness that seems such a clean smell. Right ho!
As she nears the rinse, she pops open the box, and inside are a dozen packets of lemon air freshener to fill the car. But that wasn't the only thing that filled her vehicle; there were "hundreds" of stink bugs on the bottom of the box that, once opened, made their escape. Oh yes, they did! And I should tell you, Mam has an aversion to said stink bugs, or any big armoured-looking bug, and well, it must have been like when I took me Sudanese co-worker through the wash for the first time, Mam went berserk! She couldn't get out of the car because she was in the middle of the rinse tunnel, and the jets were powerful; she was belted in, so she couldn't climb over the back seat. It was a horrible thing to happen, with moments of panic related to bugs. Finally, she took the top of her cane and started to smoosh the buggies that had all gathered on her windscreen. As you know, just picking one of those bugs up emits an odour like rotten grass, and well, need I tell you that smell overpowers any lemon that might have wafted out of the bug box?
She had the presence of mind to put her hair in order (as she was quite a bit frazzled from the unexpected experience), so when she came out of the tunnel, she'd look like nothing bad happened. She was too gobsmacked to think about chewing out the workers because she wasn't sure if she had lived through the bug attack or not. The interesting thing was that it took her a few moments to come back to the reality of it all. This happened when the men with the towels were polishing and rubbing at the windscreen from the outside, thinking the smeared mess was on their side of the window. It took a few moments before they looked at her quizzically, and she rolled down her window and explained the mess, but she couldn't quite get it out, being very upset. In her lap were dead stink bug bodies, oh yeah, there were. When she saw them in the daylight (it had been dark in the tunnel), she screamed and jumped out of the car. She so frightened the workers that they screamed too, not knowing why, but they did because the horror on her face was contagious.
What anyone around the scene must have thought, I'd pay a penny to know. There they were, three towel guys and me little Mam jumping around outside the dripping vehicle. Well, it was once they all comprehended what was on the seats, the windows, and dead on the ground (where fifty or more dead buggies had fallen to the concrete from Mam's lap), they all stepped away from the car. The manager was intrigued, probably more than he let on and came to find out what the ruckus was. In halting words, all of them tried to explain, but pointing to the creepy crawlers in the car and the dead ones on the ground explained, in an instant, what the trouble had been and still was.
It ended well (sort of) with the car being pulled around by one brave soul to a shop vac that sucked up the stragglers still crawling around in the car looking for a way out. Many apologies were given with three free car washes and her choice of fragrance next time around. I doubt there will be a next time. I say it ended well, because all the way back to the abode, Mam felt itchy and would pull over and open all the doors just in case the vacuum didn't get all the horde out. She immediately came in, threw herself into her shower, and put her clothing in the wash, but spent the rest of the day in a fog, scratching. Since then, I have been driving her car and she mine, because her car makes her itch, she says. She still can't get it out of her mind that the bugs are gone. I vacuumed her vehicle twice, and nothing.
Except for the other morning, I had her convinced to take her car back, but she told me one more day, and it's a good thing. As I was driving into Boston, a stink bug slowly lumbered across the windscreen, pretty near the lemon freshener I had stuck on the rearview mirror. Oh yeah, he was just taking his time, enjoying the sights of Boston coming up in view and there I was thinking how wonderful, I would be driving her car for the rest of me life because she was going to tell me that somehow the stink bugs mated and are now hatching in her car. Oh, yeah, I know she'll come up with that.
Knowing that bug would stink up the car, I left him be, yes, he, I had named him Stilton after the stinky blue cheese we Brits are famous for. I have found meself talking Stilton up on me drives to the city. I have asked him if he has a family hidden in the car, perhaps they are in the backseat and shy? But I did mean to be rid of him, after three days of only seeing "him" in the vehicle. I got home yesterday, me supposed last time being the driver of black beauty, and carefully took a tissue to Stilton to gently remove him. Still, he wasn't having any of that; he saw me coming, and those wings came out with that awful buzzing sound they make as I tried in vain to catch him. I opened all the windows in the hope that me hand chasing him around would make him fly out. But no, he wasn't going anywhere. I waited, and he landed on the back of the passenger's headrest. I slipped into the driver's seat and, as quickly as I could, I mushed him in that Kleenex, but the bad part of this was that Mam had pulled into the drive with my car and saw me! There was no masking that tell-tale odour of rotting grass, I tell ya!
So, you know, I am still driving that car in which the stench of the stink bug is overpowering the lemon air freshener. I now have seven lemon air fresheners trying to mask the Stilton stench, and I can still smell Stilton even when I'm not in that car! Meanwhile, Mam is busy signing over ownership of black beauty to me and wants me to sign me Saturn over to her.
 |
| Stilton Stink Bug RIP |
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved
LMAO I HATE BUGS! FLYING BUGS are the worst! And stink an added extra? Hope you like the new car!
ReplyDeleteHa ha I be still behind the wheel of what Tonya laughingly refers to as Stilton’s buggy.
DeleteI am sorry I had to laugh at your Mam, that was damn funny stuff. Even the Stilton tribute photo is funny, only you would include it. Thanks for the laughs.
ReplyDeleteCappy you know you can preserve Stilton in a bottle of tequila don't you? I works for the worm.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah there’s an idea!
Deleteughhhhhhhhhhh!! that is horrible yuck!!
ReplyDelete