Trials And Tribulations Of Gabriel O'Sullivan

06 September 2017
Story #879

R. Linda:

I had spent the better part of me day off (Friday) and then my weekend (Saturday) doing yard work. Me Mam (this time, not my wife) decided the weather had that hint of fall in the air, so it was time to get the gardens turned, clip the shrubs for the last time, and generally get things put up. This backbreaking work I did by meself, and at the end of the day, me hands were swollen and hurting. Yes, woe be me!

On Saturday, I washed up, had dinner, and afterwards dragged meself off to the shower for a long hot soak on me back with the shower massage and general cleansing of garden dirt, cobwebs, and sweat. It seemed to take a horse's age for the water to warm up, and when it finally did, I stepped in. Ah, the lovely feel of warm water on dirty skin and aching muscles. I lathered my hair and was in the process of rinsing it off when, all of a sudden, the handheld shower head was losing its force. The top of me shower head came off at the wall, and I got sprayed with enough force to put a hole in me skull as a jet of water came out of nowhere, along with a washer that hit me like a bee bee gun pellet and got stuck to me forehead for the force of the water!

The handheld shower head (which I was using to rinse the soap off me) came apart with the entire hose bursting out of the wall, thus the jet of hard spray. Talk about momentary confusion! I had no clue what had happened until I turned (in all haste) to shut the water off, which now was getting hotter as there was no control of the water temperature!

I stood there, shampoo dripping down my face and shoulders, looking at a completely detached handheld showerhead. I dropped it and peeled off the washer that had hit me in the forehead. The thing had burst out of the wall with the force of the water. What else in this house is rigged to get me?

How many people do you know their shower exploded? Well, now you know one -- ME! AND . . .  AND R. Linda, I have a bruise in the shape of a washer on me forehead. It looks like a bullseye, and I have taken quite a bit of heat over it at work. I tell ya!

Then, just Tuesday, Tonya signed up the two oldest kiddos for footy (soccer) and did not tell me she had signed me up to be a head soccer coach. I had no clue, so on Tuesday, when I took them over to the pitch for their first practice, I was under the impression that I only had to get the soccer balls from the shed. Imagine me surprise when this Patrick person comes up to me and says, "You must be Gabe," and he extends his hand, "Head coach."

"Oh no," says I, "if anything, I'm the assistant coach." I thought I was making a joke, but no, says he, "You, Gabe, are the head guy; I am the assistant coach."

He shows me the roster with me name in the top box, and I say whoever made out that form put my name where his should be. I pointed to the name below mine, but no, says Patrick, pointing to the name I pointed to on the roster; that guy is the head coach for another team and can't be the head coach for two teams.

I tell ya! Thank you, Tonya. She told me to arrive early to get the balls from the shed and stick around as needed. As needed me arse. How would that be? I leave as the unknowing head coach with a gaggle of kiddos standing around, wondering what to do next.

"Gabe," says Patrick, "surely you've played soccer in Ireland and know the game?"

Well, being a tall drink of water, as me former neighbour used to tell me, I tried one last time to get out of me surprise situation by saying, "Uh, basketball. I know all about basketball." Okay, I don't. I know some, and no, that didn't play to my advantage.

We did practice drills, and then I ran home to find no woman in the house. The two of them had conveniently taken themselves and the wee one somewhere else. I used the time to quickly get on the Internet and read up on how to be a head soccer coach. UGH!

Then (to add to me list of woes), just this morning, I was in me coffee fog when Guido came in and informed me he was leaving for the school bus. Now, this announcement wouldn't ordinarily be of earth-shattering importance, but well, considering the weather outside, even I, in me fog, could tell this was not a good idea.

Let me give an explanation. The eldest, O'Hare, started middle school (yes, I feel old), and he gets the bus at 6:30 in the morning, which means he is up at 5:15. He feeds the dog and cats and has his breakfast with Tonya, and she walks him to the end of the driveway to wait for the bus. She does this because this is her firstborn, now a middle schooler, and, ahhhh, motherly love. Then she comes back, cooks breakfast for Guido, and at 8:30, walks him to the end of the driveway as well. Then she comes back and gets breakfast for the youngest, who be in pre-school, and then she takes him to school, drops him off, and heads out to her workplace. She has it all down to a science, she does. Today, she had to go in at 8 a.m. for a meeting, so she managed to get the eldest off, but the last two fell to Mam and me.

Talk about two people in a fog, that's Mam and meself. We are not morning people until we have each consumed a whole pot of coffee. Somehow, Mam managed to get the last two up and dressed; she cooked them up a huge breakfast, more than they could eat (and ended up eating three breakfasts herself because she couldn't let "good food gue ta waste!" It was me job to pack up the wee one and take him to school. I told Guido I'd drive him too since the weather was less than conducive to standing outside waiting for the school bus. We had severe weather alerts all night into the day, and as it was, it was growing very dark outside. He insisted on going by himself to wait for his bus. I said it wasn't a very good idea and to look at it outside, but no, he went off.

Well, a minute or two later, there is a rumble of thunder and a flash of lightning, and I am immediately concerned. But he was back before I could get in me motor and motor to the end of the long driveway through the woods.

He made it just inside the door when the heavens opened, and it poured like a waterfall. I wanted to say I told you so, but before I could open me piehole, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "My phone, I lost my phone!"

"Well, it hast ta be in da driveway," Mam offers. "It should be easy ta find dere Guido ye jus had it."

"Yeah, but . . ." Boo hoo hoo.

"I won't be going out in that to look for your phone," I said as the rain poured down, the lightning flashed, and the thunder boomed.

"But it will be ruined!" He whined.

Me Mam was looking at him askance.

"Howdya make it back so fast?"

"I was on my bike."

"WOT? Ye rode a metal object with lightning flashing all round ye? Are ye noots?" She shouts. "An were ye goin' ta poot da bike? On da boos?"

"No, hide it in the woods like I always do."

Well, that was a news flash.

"It's a good way to lose your new bike," I said. "I will walk down the driveway and see if I can find it when this lets up."

It wasn't letting up, and we had to go, so I went out in all that mess and got soaked to the skin. The entire length of the drive and back, I found no phone. As I walked in, he looked anxiously, and I shook me head. No phone, and he burst into tears.

"Here, take dis towel yer soaked, " Mam said, handing me a warm towel from the dryer. I sat down at the kitchen counter, and what did I see in front of me? His phone was nice and dry—more than I could say about myself.

All I can say is, I hope me week improves. This crazy little stuff is adding up, and yours truly may be contemplating an escape to Denver. Yup, as if me life isn't spiced up enough.

Gabe
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