11 August 2013
696
R. Linda:
Well, me little apple-cheeked, grey-haired Mam rang to tell me her woes. Me sainted Da retired a month ago, yes he did, to a life of "kicking back, puttering in the garden, trips to his local anytime he feels the need of a jar or two," and generally he was of a mind that all would be right with his world. That's a lovely thought it tis. But no one told me sainted Mam, that Himself's retirement would be just as calm and harmonious for Herself . . . or maybe not. No, no, not one of her girlfriends (if you can call a woman of age a girl), whose husbands are all retired, bothered to clue her in on what awaited her.
Yes, indeed.
And what awaited her was a life totally changed from anything she'd known or even imagined in all her "born days," as she put it. Here, let me share the serene nature of her call. Uh, well, serene isn't a good word . . . let's see . . . more like frustrated and annoyed.
So here goes:
"Gabriel, ye need to coom home fast, move back because ta tell ya da plain trut, I am near to killin yer fatta."
"Ma, wots he done?"
"I'll tell ya wot he's done, he's retired!"
"Mam, that should be a good ting. You both can spend time togeter, do the tings you never had time fur," I said.
"He's made me life miserable. Since his retirement, it's 20 questions, "Where ye goin' dere? How long ye goin' ta be? Where ye been?" And if I don't git out da door befur he sees me, he be out by da motor waitin' ta drive me wherever. Like I don't knoe how ta operate a motor! I feel like he's driving Miss Daisy around, and I don't mooch like it."
"Aw Ma, he's got nothin' ta do, so he's being useful. I be sure he sees it thot way."
"Oh no, he's a nosey Parker, Gabriel, he's a nosey one. Tinks I be out wit sum other men doing Jaysus knoes wot."
"Nooo Maaaa."
"Ay Ma, he does, I'm tellin' ya, Gabriel. Dere be no oter explanation. But ye haven't heard da worst of it. He cooms in from da garden after he pulls a weed and asks me if I notice anyting different in da garden. I look out, and I don't knoe anyting looks different, but ta be nice, I say, "Looks quite wonderful James," but thot isn't da roight answer. He holds up da single weed and dangles it in space like thots a guess. And den I say, "Ohhh, ye have weeded da garden, very nice indeed," but no, he only pulled ONE WEED. He had yet to weed the rest, and so it was; after every one or two, he cooms rushin' in asking me wot I tink NOW."
Ugh! I can understand me Grandda doing that, but me own father? No, she was telling it wrong; it had to be. Either that or he had lost his marbles from boredom.
"Me and Tonya should compare notes we both have babies," she sighed. "She'll be looking to get young wee one number tree into patterns of eatin' and sleepin'. I'll be lookin' to get yer fatta into a pattern of pickin' up a dish! Using a paper towel or bread plate, rather den da table, the mice must love his crumbs, I'm tellin' ya. Oh ay, and emptying his own pockets before tossing tings in da wash, wait, wait, turnin' out his own socks rioght side out befur tossing those in, dere must be some parallels between carin' fur an infant and training a recent retiree!"
Oh my.
"No one, no nun told me of dis . . . dis . . . phenomena all da wives of da retired among our friends spend a lot of time on dere knees prayin' in church. Now I know why dey be askin' fur deliverance!"
"Mam!" I said, quite at a loss.
"Ye mark me words Gabriel, da next time you and yer sister coom to visit me, it won't be 'ere, it will be in sum mental hospital, driven by Himself, probably the last Miss Daisy drive he'll give me!"
"Mam, it can't be all thot bad. Coom on now."
"Well, Gabriel, den try dis on fur size, da man creates stuff to do. Dere I wuz tinking retirement meant travel, not to do odd jobs he didn't have time fur when he was werkin'. I git da excuse da place needs ta be maintained like we live in a castle. "It MUST be maintained, and if I don't do it, it won't get done," he says. I trow in "Den hire sum one!" but he's half out da door on his way to some PROJECT. And den when it be done he is like a teenager who passed an exam. Thot lasts for all of ten minutes and then it be OOPS got to go, have to do Project Number 1,596! I hardly saw him at first. And now I tink dat was a good ting, becoming a hermit is rather a unique experience, one becomes one with oneself really fast and has a jolly good time because well . . . wot's not to like? And I be sort of stuck with me anyway. Den I opened me mout and said sumting like we never tahk mooch, yer always busy. And well, I didn't mean he had ta be wit me 24/7! Now I can't git rid of 'em he isn't driving me sum where or askin' me wot I tink of dis or dat."
I sighed, I didn't realise I did, but she heard me!
"Oop! I be sorry Gabriel, I should be askin' bout son number tree. Actually, I taught yer were done after number two since Tonya had so mooch trooble, but no, no ye decided ONE more den wot?"
"Well, after this one, we are considering THOTS IT," I said.
"Thot remains ta be seen. I be tinkin' number tree be worse den number 2. Ye really need ta git a name cus callin' em' number tree just isn't a good ting. Anyway, Tonya has had da longest labour of any woman ever born! First, ya tole me da due date was 15 August, den she started doz early contractions LAST mont, and dey made her due date 22 July, den dose subsided and two weeks later yer back at it again fur pre-mature labour session number 5! Den yer cooms home and two hours later yer back at hospital fur pre-mature labour session number 6! Dey named a wing after yas yet?"
"Yeah, it's the Tonya O'Sullivan Pre-Mature and False Labour Wing. Ma! Really?"
"Ha ha."
"But you know that didn't stop us from returning a 7th time!" I said. "They moved the due date between 22 July and 15 August and said Good LUCK! And you know when Kate Middleton beat Tonya to it, that just dug Tonya's heels in, so THAT night at 12:30 a.m., we were back at it! It was getting to where the doctor wouldn't call us back! So, if you taught you had it bad, ya could have been here for the midnight trips to hospital and back. You don't knoe how mooch I wished I was on da oter side of da world enjoying sum fruity alcoholic drink. I was as near as you of taking up the life of an alcoholic hermit if the pregnancy continued passed 15 August! Ye have no idea wot it be like fur da man. No, it be hell."
"Da hospital probably misses ya." She sighed.
"OH no. I be sure dey don't because da anaesthesiologist was feuding wit one of Tonya's nurses, so when it came time to give her da shot of epidural, he was conveniently missing and as they went looking for him Number tree decided not ta wait, he kicked his way out, which ya knoe hadda hurt, and she was screaming at da doctor, "GET HIM OUT NOW!" It got so bad I hadda leave da room. I walked it off by walking four corridors, and as I turned around to coom back, I could hear Tonya yellin' at da top of her lungs! After delivery, nurses were coomin' in from other hospital floors asking Herself if she was all right. EVERYONE heard her. This continued until we left for home. She was quite well known to the staff if she hadn't been before."
"Well, now ye have a healthy number tree!"
"Yup, we do. Well, look at it dis way Ma, you and I can exchange notes on how our "kids" are doing."
And that was pretty much it. I feel like I've been through the wringer with a very difficult pregnancy, and she feels like she's just entering the wringer. With that said, I be cringing at the thought of the annual visit which begins in October. I know I'll have just settled into a calm life when the retirees will arrive from the old sod, and that calmness will probably be shattered until they leave after the New Year.
Meanwhile, we got news that Dragon decided to have her eye surgery in Boston. WHY not New York City, which is closer to her house? The answer was so she could come up here for recovery and VISIT. She just went home and here she comes again in September! I tell ya, I be doomed.
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Well, me little apple-cheeked, grey-haired Mam rang to tell me her woes. Me sainted Da retired a month ago, yes he did, to a life of "kicking back, puttering in the garden, trips to his local anytime he feels the need of a jar or two," and generally he was of a mind that all would be right with his world. That's a lovely thought it tis. But no one told me sainted Mam, that Himself's retirement would be just as calm and harmonious for Herself . . . or maybe not. No, no, not one of her girlfriends (if you can call a woman of age a girl), whose husbands are all retired, bothered to clue her in on what awaited her.
Yes, indeed.
And what awaited her was a life totally changed from anything she'd known or even imagined in all her "born days," as she put it. Here, let me share the serene nature of her call. Uh, well, serene isn't a good word . . . let's see . . . more like frustrated and annoyed.
So here goes:
"Gabriel, ye need to coom home fast, move back because ta tell ya da plain trut, I am near to killin yer fatta."
"Ma, wots he done?"
"I'll tell ya wot he's done, he's retired!"
"Mam, that should be a good ting. You both can spend time togeter, do the tings you never had time fur," I said.
"He's made me life miserable. Since his retirement, it's 20 questions, "Where ye goin' dere? How long ye goin' ta be? Where ye been?" And if I don't git out da door befur he sees me, he be out by da motor waitin' ta drive me wherever. Like I don't knoe how ta operate a motor! I feel like he's driving Miss Daisy around, and I don't mooch like it."
"Aw Ma, he's got nothin' ta do, so he's being useful. I be sure he sees it thot way."
"Oh no, he's a nosey Parker, Gabriel, he's a nosey one. Tinks I be out wit sum other men doing Jaysus knoes wot."
"Nooo Maaaa."
"Ay Ma, he does, I'm tellin' ya, Gabriel. Dere be no oter explanation. But ye haven't heard da worst of it. He cooms in from da garden after he pulls a weed and asks me if I notice anyting different in da garden. I look out, and I don't knoe anyting looks different, but ta be nice, I say, "Looks quite wonderful James," but thot isn't da roight answer. He holds up da single weed and dangles it in space like thots a guess. And den I say, "Ohhh, ye have weeded da garden, very nice indeed," but no, he only pulled ONE WEED. He had yet to weed the rest, and so it was; after every one or two, he cooms rushin' in asking me wot I tink NOW."
Ugh! I can understand me Grandda doing that, but me own father? No, she was telling it wrong; it had to be. Either that or he had lost his marbles from boredom.
"Me and Tonya should compare notes we both have babies," she sighed. "She'll be looking to get young wee one number tree into patterns of eatin' and sleepin'. I'll be lookin' to get yer fatta into a pattern of pickin' up a dish! Using a paper towel or bread plate, rather den da table, the mice must love his crumbs, I'm tellin' ya. Oh ay, and emptying his own pockets before tossing tings in da wash, wait, wait, turnin' out his own socks rioght side out befur tossing those in, dere must be some parallels between carin' fur an infant and training a recent retiree!"
Oh my.
"No one, no nun told me of dis . . . dis . . . phenomena all da wives of da retired among our friends spend a lot of time on dere knees prayin' in church. Now I know why dey be askin' fur deliverance!"
"Mam!" I said, quite at a loss.
"Ye mark me words Gabriel, da next time you and yer sister coom to visit me, it won't be 'ere, it will be in sum mental hospital, driven by Himself, probably the last Miss Daisy drive he'll give me!"
"Mam, it can't be all thot bad. Coom on now."
"Well, Gabriel, den try dis on fur size, da man creates stuff to do. Dere I wuz tinking retirement meant travel, not to do odd jobs he didn't have time fur when he was werkin'. I git da excuse da place needs ta be maintained like we live in a castle. "It MUST be maintained, and if I don't do it, it won't get done," he says. I trow in "Den hire sum one!" but he's half out da door on his way to some PROJECT. And den when it be done he is like a teenager who passed an exam. Thot lasts for all of ten minutes and then it be OOPS got to go, have to do Project Number 1,596! I hardly saw him at first. And now I tink dat was a good ting, becoming a hermit is rather a unique experience, one becomes one with oneself really fast and has a jolly good time because well . . . wot's not to like? And I be sort of stuck with me anyway. Den I opened me mout and said sumting like we never tahk mooch, yer always busy. And well, I didn't mean he had ta be wit me 24/7! Now I can't git rid of 'em he isn't driving me sum where or askin' me wot I tink of dis or dat."
I sighed, I didn't realise I did, but she heard me!
"Oop! I be sorry Gabriel, I should be askin' bout son number tree. Actually, I taught yer were done after number two since Tonya had so mooch trooble, but no, no ye decided ONE more den wot?"
"Well, after this one, we are considering THOTS IT," I said.
"Thot remains ta be seen. I be tinkin' number tree be worse den number 2. Ye really need ta git a name cus callin' em' number tree just isn't a good ting. Anyway, Tonya has had da longest labour of any woman ever born! First, ya tole me da due date was 15 August, den she started doz early contractions LAST mont, and dey made her due date 22 July, den dose subsided and two weeks later yer back at it again fur pre-mature labour session number 5! Den yer cooms home and two hours later yer back at hospital fur pre-mature labour session number 6! Dey named a wing after yas yet?"
"Yeah, it's the Tonya O'Sullivan Pre-Mature and False Labour Wing. Ma! Really?"
"Ha ha."
"But you know that didn't stop us from returning a 7th time!" I said. "They moved the due date between 22 July and 15 August and said Good LUCK! And you know when Kate Middleton beat Tonya to it, that just dug Tonya's heels in, so THAT night at 12:30 a.m., we were back at it! It was getting to where the doctor wouldn't call us back! So, if you taught you had it bad, ya could have been here for the midnight trips to hospital and back. You don't knoe how mooch I wished I was on da oter side of da world enjoying sum fruity alcoholic drink. I was as near as you of taking up the life of an alcoholic hermit if the pregnancy continued passed 15 August! Ye have no idea wot it be like fur da man. No, it be hell."
"Da hospital probably misses ya." She sighed.
"OH no. I be sure dey don't because da anaesthesiologist was feuding wit one of Tonya's nurses, so when it came time to give her da shot of epidural, he was conveniently missing and as they went looking for him Number tree decided not ta wait, he kicked his way out, which ya knoe hadda hurt, and she was screaming at da doctor, "GET HIM OUT NOW!" It got so bad I hadda leave da room. I walked it off by walking four corridors, and as I turned around to coom back, I could hear Tonya yellin' at da top of her lungs! After delivery, nurses were coomin' in from other hospital floors asking Herself if she was all right. EVERYONE heard her. This continued until we left for home. She was quite well known to the staff if she hadn't been before."
"Well, now ye have a healthy number tree!"
"Yup, we do. Well, look at it dis way Ma, you and I can exchange notes on how our "kids" are doing."
And that was pretty much it. I feel like I've been through the wringer with a very difficult pregnancy, and she feels like she's just entering the wringer. With that said, I be cringing at the thought of the annual visit which begins in October. I know I'll have just settled into a calm life when the retirees will arrive from the old sod, and that calmness will probably be shattered until they leave after the New Year.
Meanwhile, we got news that Dragon decided to have her eye surgery in Boston. WHY not New York City, which is closer to her house? The answer was so she could come up here for recovery and VISIT. She just went home and here she comes again in September! I tell ya, I be doomed.
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
3 comments:
Congrats on baby arriving and to your father on his retirement. I do agree a name other than Number Three is needed. LOL. And, I had to laugh at your mother though, she's very funny. I almost felt sorry for the poor dear but something tells me she'll do just fine.
LMAO
your dad needs a JOB! even if it's a volunteer job or a small paying job. I'm afraid your mom will end up on the news for having committed murder!LOL
BEAUTIFUL BABY! Not you, the kid!
lol the trials of your mam! never a dull moment in the O'Sully household.
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