20 August 2013
699
R. Linda:
Last Thursday, Dragon arrived bright and early with the gloom and doom of a rainy day. It just figures! And this was me last week off to help Tonya with the baby, and I was all set for a week of family time, not in-law family time! But there she was, broom out of gas, but not the Dragon; she was fuelled to wag that tongue of hers like there was no tomorrow.
She's here because she thinks I need help, helping Tonya with a new baby. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is our third. I think by now I've got the hang of newborns, and if I don't then I be a sorry shame.
Dragon hadn't been here long, and she was driving me bonkers. The first thing she did was look at the newspaper headlines on the kitchen table and read off, "Witty burglar gets guilty verdict." That's not what it said. It said, "Whitely Bulger gets guilty verdict," but because she can't see (yes, she is in need of another cataract operation, this time on the other eye), she thought it said the other. It wasn't even today's paper; it was from last week! I hadn't had me cup of joe yet, and there she was, spouting out stuff from over a week ago that wasn't there and then arguing with me about MY not reading it correctly. Oi!
Just to be a prat, I will give you more of her misread spoutings that genuinely make me itch. Yes, ITCH. I don't know why, but I feel itchy, and I have that tick under me left eye starting up that usually appears when the Dragon arrives.
"Oh my Tonya, did you know there is a sock exchange in New York? Must be a big one I should think for such headlines." Dragon said on riffling through the New York Post.
"No, Mom, that's the STOCK exchange." Tonya giggled and flipped the page back so Dragon could squint at it.
"What is this?" An indignant Dragon shouted, "Sex boobs half off for a penis?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said, getting up to look at the newspaper and covering Guido's ears. It read, "Six boots half off for pens." It was a swap for school supplies at a local shoe store with a special on boots that was having a pen drive or some such thing, but not according to Dragon they weren't!
Later, she sees an advert and says to me, "Well Gabriel, we can go to a bank in Keene for free chicken."
I sat there looking at her, and I saw she was serious. I asked her where in Keene and why were they giving away chicken because nothing is free, so what was the catch? She didn't know. I got up and looked at the advert, it was from a bank advertising FREE CHECKING! I tell ya, the woman will drive me up a pole.
Anyway, last Saturday at the town hall was a tie-dye session to raise funds for the town recreational leagues. It was thought the teens would have a fun day tie-dying t-shirts, and Tonya (before her pregnancy) had signed up to help. With the baby arriving early, this threw a monkey wrench in her way, so I said I would help. What did she need? Well, I was to go out and buy dye. I did, I got red, yellow, green, and there was no blue. I went to several places, no blue. The lady at the hardware store (where I finally ended up) told me she heard that permanent blue hair dye would work just as well. With no choice, I went to Walmart's goth section and bought permanent blue hair dye.
When I called Tonya about that, she said she didn't think that would do. While I was driving home with the goods, it seemed she called around, and someone had the real stuff. So when I got home, I unloaded the blue hair dye to take back later, and we left for the town hall. That is me and Tonya; the boyos stayed home because they both had the sniffles, and Dragon opted to stay home with them because tie-dying did not interest her. We were only dropping the dye off, as it were and showing off the new addition, then coming right home afterwards.
Meanwhile, unknown to Dragon, our nosey parker O'Hare found the bag of blue hair dye and decided dying our snow-white dog blue would be fun! They took the dye bottle out of its box and put it on the shelf in the bathtub. Then they went chasing after the dog.
Luckily, our setter is used to the two wee miscreants and gave them a merry chase around the house, wearing them out. They were panting, but she wasn't by the time we arrived. I had no clue what running after the dog was about and just chalked it up to a summer's day play.
Dragon informed us she would take her shower because she had weeded Tonya's garden while we were out. Now, Dragon's liquid soap for bathing is also in a blue bottle she had left on the sink in the bathroom. So in she went and because she can't see . . . well you guessed it, she saw the blue bottle in the tub, and thought it was hers without looking at the sink. Turning on the shower she lathered herself up in blue hair dye. Yes, she did, from head to toe!
"I think my eyes are going fast, Tonya. Everything has a blue tint to it," She said coming out of the bathroom, wrapped in a bathrobe with a towel turbaned on her head. I took a double take, and ordinarily, Dragon in that state of undress would have me poking me eyes out, but instead of looking like Gargamel, she looked like Grandma Smurf. Yes, she was blue. She had used the hair dye and not the liquid soap!
"Mother I . . . I . . . " Tonya said, taking Dragon's blue arm and looking at the blue-tinted skin.
"WOW, Gran looks like a SMURF!" O'Hare shouted as Guido looked admiringly at his blue grandparent.
That statement of admiration clicked something over in the Dragon's brain. She looked like a blue Gargamel as her face creased into a frown and she suddenly realised something.
"You two," she said, making the two boyos jump back, smiles disappearing quickly. "Did you take my soap and change it with something else?"
OH, that question set a light bulb off in me wife's brain, her eyes opening wide as it all suddenly became clear. Tonya turned toward the two wee mischief-makers. Then she looked at the bag of blue hair dye. She went to it after handing off the baby to me and looked inside.
"There is one bottle missing," she said, looking at the two boyos who were looking at the floor. Yes, there it was; whenever they start losing eye contact, you know they've done something! "Where is the missing bottle?" Tonya asked as she walked into the bathroom.
Yup, she saw her mother's bottle on the sink and in the tub was the blue hair dye, nearly empty. I stood in the doorway and we both realised at the same time what had gone down.
"What?" Asked a clueless Dragon as we came back.
Tonya explained she had used hair dye instead of soap, and the boyos reluctantly told us WHY the hair dye was placed in the tub and I swear that dog was sitting there laughing, its tongue lollying out of its mouth as if it were smiling. But Dragon wasn't laughing, nor was she smiling. She was MAD.
"You . . . you . . . you . . ." Was all that came out of her mouth. She looked like she was about to throw one hell of a fit. Tonya led her to the bathroom to see if she could wash the blue off. Em . . . no, it didn't wash off no matter how much soap was applied. Alcohol was next. Tonya swabbed her mother's arm in it, and no, no, still wasn't coming off. They went through nail polish remover, hydrogen peroxide, to finally bleach! The bleach came closer to working, but the smell was vile to Dragon.
"For heaven's sake, Tonya, I'll look like Michael Jackson; put that stuff away," Dragon complained, holding her nose.
"Well, it seems to work a little," Tonya said.
"It burns Tonya, and it stinks." So saith Dragon, and she was busy washing the bleach off so now on one arm she had streaks like a tiger.
Creams were bought out and applied, and nothing. Even Crisco was applied. Nothing but a greasy blue Dragon was the result. She was pissed at those two boyos, I can tell ya that much, but I had to laugh, and I did inform her if she had kept her cataract surgery appointment like she was supposed to instead of coming up here, THIS situation she found herself in would never have happened. At least, I don't think it would. But get this, it somehow became MY FAULT because I was the one that brought the permanent blue hair dye into the house and left it where two "playful" boyos could find it.
I knew it! I just knew it! Always, always, always, whatever happens, it is somehow ME that is at fault.
So this happened Saturday, and after (at me estimate) over a hundred showers the Dragon has taken as of today, she be sporting a light blue tint to her skin. She looks instead like she has bad circulation. I suppose me jokes that she can tell everyone she's a true blue blood, just don't tickle the old Dragon funny bone (not that she has one). The Smurf jokes have flown like birds from an empty cornfield, and those we are forbidden from uttering, she won't fly into a fury.
As to the two miscreants, they have apologised humbly; that is, they held it together long enough to be convincing that they were genuinely sorry before they ran into the bedroom, smothered their faces in pillows and laughed their arses off. In addition, they are grounded for 60 years and cannot watch any Smurf movies or telly programmes as long as the Dragon is with us. And that may be a bit of a long time because she isn't hopping her broom until the blue is gone from her skin.
Yup, it always falls back on me somehow. SIGH.
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Last Thursday, Dragon arrived bright and early with the gloom and doom of a rainy day. It just figures! And this was me last week off to help Tonya with the baby, and I was all set for a week of family time, not in-law family time! But there she was, broom out of gas, but not the Dragon; she was fuelled to wag that tongue of hers like there was no tomorrow.
She's here because she thinks I need help, helping Tonya with a new baby. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is our third. I think by now I've got the hang of newborns, and if I don't then I be a sorry shame.
Dragon hadn't been here long, and she was driving me bonkers. The first thing she did was look at the newspaper headlines on the kitchen table and read off, "Witty burglar gets guilty verdict." That's not what it said. It said, "Whitely Bulger gets guilty verdict," but because she can't see (yes, she is in need of another cataract operation, this time on the other eye), she thought it said the other. It wasn't even today's paper; it was from last week! I hadn't had me cup of joe yet, and there she was, spouting out stuff from over a week ago that wasn't there and then arguing with me about MY not reading it correctly. Oi!
Just to be a prat, I will give you more of her misread spoutings that genuinely make me itch. Yes, ITCH. I don't know why, but I feel itchy, and I have that tick under me left eye starting up that usually appears when the Dragon arrives.
"Oh my Tonya, did you know there is a sock exchange in New York? Must be a big one I should think for such headlines." Dragon said on riffling through the New York Post.
"No, Mom, that's the STOCK exchange." Tonya giggled and flipped the page back so Dragon could squint at it.
"What is this?" An indignant Dragon shouted, "Sex boobs half off for a penis?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said, getting up to look at the newspaper and covering Guido's ears. It read, "Six boots half off for pens." It was a swap for school supplies at a local shoe store with a special on boots that was having a pen drive or some such thing, but not according to Dragon they weren't!
Later, she sees an advert and says to me, "Well Gabriel, we can go to a bank in Keene for free chicken."
I sat there looking at her, and I saw she was serious. I asked her where in Keene and why were they giving away chicken because nothing is free, so what was the catch? She didn't know. I got up and looked at the advert, it was from a bank advertising FREE CHECKING! I tell ya, the woman will drive me up a pole.
Anyway, last Saturday at the town hall was a tie-dye session to raise funds for the town recreational leagues. It was thought the teens would have a fun day tie-dying t-shirts, and Tonya (before her pregnancy) had signed up to help. With the baby arriving early, this threw a monkey wrench in her way, so I said I would help. What did she need? Well, I was to go out and buy dye. I did, I got red, yellow, green, and there was no blue. I went to several places, no blue. The lady at the hardware store (where I finally ended up) told me she heard that permanent blue hair dye would work just as well. With no choice, I went to Walmart's goth section and bought permanent blue hair dye.
When I called Tonya about that, she said she didn't think that would do. While I was driving home with the goods, it seemed she called around, and someone had the real stuff. So when I got home, I unloaded the blue hair dye to take back later, and we left for the town hall. That is me and Tonya; the boyos stayed home because they both had the sniffles, and Dragon opted to stay home with them because tie-dying did not interest her. We were only dropping the dye off, as it were and showing off the new addition, then coming right home afterwards.
Meanwhile, unknown to Dragon, our nosey parker O'Hare found the bag of blue hair dye and decided dying our snow-white dog blue would be fun! They took the dye bottle out of its box and put it on the shelf in the bathtub. Then they went chasing after the dog.
Luckily, our setter is used to the two wee miscreants and gave them a merry chase around the house, wearing them out. They were panting, but she wasn't by the time we arrived. I had no clue what running after the dog was about and just chalked it up to a summer's day play.
Dragon informed us she would take her shower because she had weeded Tonya's garden while we were out. Now, Dragon's liquid soap for bathing is also in a blue bottle she had left on the sink in the bathroom. So in she went and because she can't see . . . well you guessed it, she saw the blue bottle in the tub, and thought it was hers without looking at the sink. Turning on the shower she lathered herself up in blue hair dye. Yes, she did, from head to toe!
"I think my eyes are going fast, Tonya. Everything has a blue tint to it," She said coming out of the bathroom, wrapped in a bathrobe with a towel turbaned on her head. I took a double take, and ordinarily, Dragon in that state of undress would have me poking me eyes out, but instead of looking like Gargamel, she looked like Grandma Smurf. Yes, she was blue. She had used the hair dye and not the liquid soap!
"Mother I . . . I . . . " Tonya said, taking Dragon's blue arm and looking at the blue-tinted skin.
"WOW, Gran looks like a SMURF!" O'Hare shouted as Guido looked admiringly at his blue grandparent.
That statement of admiration clicked something over in the Dragon's brain. She looked like a blue Gargamel as her face creased into a frown and she suddenly realised something.
"You two," she said, making the two boyos jump back, smiles disappearing quickly. "Did you take my soap and change it with something else?"
OH, that question set a light bulb off in me wife's brain, her eyes opening wide as it all suddenly became clear. Tonya turned toward the two wee mischief-makers. Then she looked at the bag of blue hair dye. She went to it after handing off the baby to me and looked inside.
"There is one bottle missing," she said, looking at the two boyos who were looking at the floor. Yes, there it was; whenever they start losing eye contact, you know they've done something! "Where is the missing bottle?" Tonya asked as she walked into the bathroom.
Yup, she saw her mother's bottle on the sink and in the tub was the blue hair dye, nearly empty. I stood in the doorway and we both realised at the same time what had gone down.
"What?" Asked a clueless Dragon as we came back.
Tonya explained she had used hair dye instead of soap, and the boyos reluctantly told us WHY the hair dye was placed in the tub and I swear that dog was sitting there laughing, its tongue lollying out of its mouth as if it were smiling. But Dragon wasn't laughing, nor was she smiling. She was MAD.
"You . . . you . . . you . . ." Was all that came out of her mouth. She looked like she was about to throw one hell of a fit. Tonya led her to the bathroom to see if she could wash the blue off. Em . . . no, it didn't wash off no matter how much soap was applied. Alcohol was next. Tonya swabbed her mother's arm in it, and no, no, still wasn't coming off. They went through nail polish remover, hydrogen peroxide, to finally bleach! The bleach came closer to working, but the smell was vile to Dragon.
"For heaven's sake, Tonya, I'll look like Michael Jackson; put that stuff away," Dragon complained, holding her nose.
"Well, it seems to work a little," Tonya said.
"It burns Tonya, and it stinks." So saith Dragon, and she was busy washing the bleach off so now on one arm she had streaks like a tiger.
Creams were bought out and applied, and nothing. Even Crisco was applied. Nothing but a greasy blue Dragon was the result. She was pissed at those two boyos, I can tell ya that much, but I had to laugh, and I did inform her if she had kept her cataract surgery appointment like she was supposed to instead of coming up here, THIS situation she found herself in would never have happened. At least, I don't think it would. But get this, it somehow became MY FAULT because I was the one that brought the permanent blue hair dye into the house and left it where two "playful" boyos could find it.
I knew it! I just knew it! Always, always, always, whatever happens, it is somehow ME that is at fault.
So this happened Saturday, and after (at me estimate) over a hundred showers the Dragon has taken as of today, she be sporting a light blue tint to her skin. She looks instead like she has bad circulation. I suppose me jokes that she can tell everyone she's a true blue blood, just don't tickle the old Dragon funny bone (not that she has one). The Smurf jokes have flown like birds from an empty cornfield, and those we are forbidden from uttering, she won't fly into a fury.
As to the two miscreants, they have apologised humbly; that is, they held it together long enough to be convincing that they were genuinely sorry before they ran into the bedroom, smothered their faces in pillows and laughed their arses off. In addition, they are grounded for 60 years and cannot watch any Smurf movies or telly programmes as long as the Dragon is with us. And that may be a bit of a long time because she isn't hopping her broom until the blue is gone from her skin.
Yup, it always falls back on me somehow. SIGH.
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
3 comments:
somehow I think you got some satisfaction out of your mother-in-law turning blue?
Nooo, I'd never, LOL.
I just LOVE Smurf stories!LMAO
tell Dragon that overeating smurfs make your skin blue!
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