18 June 2013
677
R. Linda:
So here it is:
I was home recovering from me fall (I know I be making more out of it than meets the eye or in this case the shoulder), BUT while I was watching paint dry (quite literally) I heard the front door open and shut and footsteps coming up to the loft where I was sitting doing what I said I was doing. Me dog yipped and put her head up, but made no move to go into protective mode and the cat raised its head from its napping position and then went back to sleep. So right there I knew it was someone I knew. I also knew it wasn't Tonya, as the footfalls were heavier. I was thinking to meself who enters me house without knocking? Easy-peasy -- the Weas.
And there he was looking like Leonard DiCaprio all smooth and slick taking in the new paint. Well, good he noticed, most wouldn't. He nodded and looked approvingly then from behind his back he shoves a bouquet of flowers at yours truly in sympathy for "the accident." Oh yes, he's a smarty-arse. When I stammered over receiving flowers and mumbled it wasn't a guy thing to do, he took them and stuck them in a water glass ignoring me. Then he sat himself down and looked around approvingly.
"Look like a castle to you?" I asked. "Me wife thinks it does," I said heaving a sigh.
"Yeah, it duz." He said stretching.
"You like it?" I asked, fully expecting to not get a straight answer.
"Yuppers I do." He said surprising me. "Big improvement over that sunflower colour."
I wasn't going to debate apricot over sunflower, so I asked him what the honour of his presence was about. And then I got evasive answers. I asked after the wife, how was she and his kiddos? "Goodly" was the answer. When did he see them last? "Yesterday," and where were they? "Backie in Scotland."
His acting like he isn't married had got to me, and finally, it burst out of me to ask him why he married Amanda in the first place. The answer is worth me putting on me blog because I am still stunned, though I don't know why, at what he said.
To make this easy I will write it in English, no Weasilese though it will lose the flavour of the conversation but . . . for reasons I don't have to go into . . .
He said:
"I had my eye fixed on Manda she stood out from the rest of the women because she was good-looking."
"You're not too shallow are you?" I mumbled.
"It ain't what's inside that counts Gabbie, it's the outside package. You can always mould the little woman the way ya want her."
"Oh really?" I commented in disbelief. "Try that on MY wife and see if it works."
"Me old gran used to say, "Weasil . . . "
"Wait a minute she DID NOT call you that."
"Yes, she did. She said, "Weasil, if a woman looks good, chews her food well and doesn't walk like an elephant then she's the right one." And Manda did qualify."
I rolled me eyes and shook me head. I just don't know about him sometimes.
"Anyway, that qualified Manda for marriage. But I had another reason for marrying her. I had hired her to come in and do me homework last semester at university and one thing led to the other where I also had her cooking me snacks and straightening me room up and sending out me laundry. I thought why pay her? Instead, I'll marry her and when we both graduate she can continue to do that for me at my house for free and I'll reap the benefits."
"NO, YOU NEVER DID!" I was flabbergasted.
"Yuppers I did. Why pay when you can get it for free? It is economy Gabbie, ya gotta love it. It be a lot cheaper to marry her than pay her for services she could do for free! I went to Manda and laid it all out on the table, and she accepted! But as the marriage date drew nearer I got me some cold feet. As news of the nuptials got out, me friends (the married ones) told me stories and the more I heard, the more I thought I was making the biggest mistake of me life! So I had a change of heart. I even told her I had changed me mind and I was letting her out of a life of drudgery, but imagine MY surprise when she said NO she wanted the life of drudgery! No matter how I argued me case, it didn't work! I even offered her compensation for a broken contract -- she could keep the ring! I offered her a hundred quid to call it off, but no, she wouldn't and unbelievable as it seemed she refused to call any of it off!
"After that, I was a goner. I knew it, me friends knew it and SHE knew it. I wanted to go on the cheap I did for the wedding, but her father didn't and so it was this week-long glam affair that I missed. Yes, I was in another part of the world while all the 'festivities' were going on. I thought by making meself scarce she would finally change her mind, but nope, nope, noppers she didn't. She actually told me absence made her love grow stronger."
He sighed as if the heavy weight of the world was on his shoulders, while I sat there trying to figure out if I should laugh or cry. I did neither, I was staying a middle course I told meself, neither objective nor subjective, I did the only thing I could do, and that was stare at him in fascination and say nothing. But the silence was too much for me, so with a straight face I egged him on.
"Me dad came and found me and dragged me (quite literally) back to Scotland and I went through with it. I was not happy but she was. She was gloating like a gloat fish."
"A gloat fish? No such thing." I interjected.
"Ya know wot I mean Gabbie." He said and sighed again. "So we were six of one and half a dozen of the other."
"What?" I was confused.
"As it happened we were getting in each other's way -- I'd be going out, she'd be coming in and vice versa. That was married life. Then something happened where I'd be going out and she'd be going too but with me! I couldn't have that so I decided to find a way to keep her home. So I planned to give her a kiddo. And I did even better I gave her two to keep her really busy. And they did! I thought that was a brilliant stroke of genius on my part." He sat there with a smug look on his DiCaprio countenance.
I was in a state of denial and shock. Was he pulling me leg or what? But to look at him he was all serious so I had to believe him. That led to me wanting to laugh for no particular reason but to disburden meself of such crazy talk! But I held it in. It was very hard to be sympathetic to such rot as was coming out of his mouth. I tell ya!
"Tell me this, do you love your two kiddos?" I asked trying to find reality somewhere in the conversation.
"Oh Maximilian, is the nicest little chappie who ever threw a ball through a window that you'd ever want to meet. The OTHER one is a little tyrant (like her mum), atrocious behaviour, loves torturing dolls and her fav pastime is tearing the wings off insects. It exhausts me to be in the same room with her for five minutes, no make that three minutes!"
I was speechless. What do you say to any of that?
"I even hooked the wee lassie up to a single harness like a pony and made her trot around the garden but it was me ended up aching with fatigue because she LIKED it and wouldn't stop!"
Oh my. I decided to bring the chat back around to Amanda.
"I say Weasil, Amanda must have her pluses for you to stay married to her, eh?"
"Pluses? A good many defects be more like it I should say. One is she never sticks to one subject she isn't on another before your thought processes have digested the first. You know what I mean? Like a fly flitting from one jellied piece of toast to another, you can't swat it because it's gone on to something else just as you raise your hand to crush it."
"I rather like women like that, I can't settle on any one thing either . . . so I'm told by MY wife," I said in earnest, though the thought of swatting a piece of jellied toast took me thoughts miles away to the mess of having to clean that up with a fly buzzing in one's ear. Oh there you go, see what I mean about me?
"What happened to that bit of fluff you were chasing named Tiffany?" I said brightly remembering a subject that had nothing to do with what we were talking about and pre-dated Amanda.
"Tiffy? No, I didn't chase her, she was chasing me! I wouldn't touch that girl without a pair of tongs. You aren't paying attention." He said all flustered.
Maybe a bit too flustered so I had to ask, "WHAT did you do to her? I can tell you did something just by how red your face is!"
"Okay," said he, "what do you want to know -- about the short temper or the long tongue?"
I sat there dumb looking at him. What was I to say to THAT? Oh yeah, Weasil you are one of the greatest blackguards that ever lived. You prove it with every black pearl that utters forth from your lips? No, I waved the subject away and came back around to HIM. I looked at him for a moment as I regrouped. His face, a handsome one, looked possessed by the devil all the same, wild and wicked, it took me a moment but I came up with something to throw at him.
"Let's not be slovenly of mind," I said, "let's try to extract the inner meaning to all this shall we, hum?" I will say the conversation kept me mind off me aches and pains.
"Why? Who cares? I don't and I don't know why YOU should." He said like this was all my idea. "Tiffy was bad news."
"Oh we are back on THAT again are we?" I was in a bewildered mindset, sorely needing quiet time to meself.
"Well, YOU brought the subject up." He reminded me, but I thought I was back on Amanda and his two wee kiddos. Apparently, he missed the train and was still in the depot! I corrected that with a question I regret ever asking.
"Well forget Tiffany, tell me about your daughter, certainly she is finding other things to do besides torture dolls and pull the wings off insects. She must have a set interest."
"You mean besides pulling the eyes out of her dolls and pasting buttons where the eyes should be and sewing their mouths shut? She does it's called Natural History. Just this last visit home, I was coming up the stairs on my way toward the sound of screaming coming from the second floor, when I met a headless snake coming down the stairs. It was still wiggling and squirming and I let it go by and as soon as it was clear of me (because without a head it couldn't see me), I continued up to the first floor landing then to the three stairs where I paused again, this time to let a headless frog hop on by. I did ask myself what the duce was going on, but I continued into the hallway where through the open door of my daughter's room, I could see a collection of headless amphibians and some in dissected mode with my daughter standing near one such specimen, screaming at the top of her lungs with a scalpel in her hand, yelling for her mother to, "GET OUT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M OPERATING?" On further inspection, I saw her mother with a horrified expression on her face and overheard her asking, "IS THIS WHAT YOU DO AFTER TEA?" Well, apparently the answer was yes, yes it was. I would have turned around and left the premises if I wasn't seen by the screaming daughter who ran at me yelling "DADDY!" at the top of her lungs with a scalpel. I had all I could do to sideswipe the weapon in hand before her mother grabbed her from behind."
Silence. I was in a state of shock. His mind was reliving the horror. It was all too much suddenly. I had a terrible headache. Finally, he shifted in his chair and looked at me.
"That gives you an indication WHY I'm here and not there?"
"Uh-huh. Yup, it does." I nodded trying to push the imagery from me mind.
"Do you want to know about her other hobby? Horticulture and what she does to the flowers with needles, pins and scissors?"
"Nah, that's okay I get the idea," I said hoping NEVER to meet that child. But I did have a question. "What's her name?"
"Coraline it is. Aptly named don't you think?"
I was stunned, and dumbly nodded, yes, perfect name.
We sat silently until I looked over at his face. There was the most devious smile trying to break out and I caught it before he could put it away.
"You know what? You're full of shite." I said and he laughed and shook his head. He really had me going. I have no clue if any of what he told me was true or not. I hope for his sake, NOT.
When he left, I had the strange feeling I had woken up from a demented dream. But no, it was real . . . unfortunately (probably have nightmares now for weeks).
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
So here it is:
I was home recovering from me fall (I know I be making more out of it than meets the eye or in this case the shoulder), BUT while I was watching paint dry (quite literally) I heard the front door open and shut and footsteps coming up to the loft where I was sitting doing what I said I was doing. Me dog yipped and put her head up, but made no move to go into protective mode and the cat raised its head from its napping position and then went back to sleep. So right there I knew it was someone I knew. I also knew it wasn't Tonya, as the footfalls were heavier. I was thinking to meself who enters me house without knocking? Easy-peasy -- the Weas.
And there he was looking like Leonard DiCaprio all smooth and slick taking in the new paint. Well, good he noticed, most wouldn't. He nodded and looked approvingly then from behind his back he shoves a bouquet of flowers at yours truly in sympathy for "the accident." Oh yes, he's a smarty-arse. When I stammered over receiving flowers and mumbled it wasn't a guy thing to do, he took them and stuck them in a water glass ignoring me. Then he sat himself down and looked around approvingly.
"Look like a castle to you?" I asked. "Me wife thinks it does," I said heaving a sigh.
"Yeah, it duz." He said stretching.
"You like it?" I asked, fully expecting to not get a straight answer.
"Yuppers I do." He said surprising me. "Big improvement over that sunflower colour."
I wasn't going to debate apricot over sunflower, so I asked him what the honour of his presence was about. And then I got evasive answers. I asked after the wife, how was she and his kiddos? "Goodly" was the answer. When did he see them last? "Yesterday," and where were they? "Backie in Scotland."
His acting like he isn't married had got to me, and finally, it burst out of me to ask him why he married Amanda in the first place. The answer is worth me putting on me blog because I am still stunned, though I don't know why, at what he said.
To make this easy I will write it in English, no Weasilese though it will lose the flavour of the conversation but . . . for reasons I don't have to go into . . .
He said:
"I had my eye fixed on Manda she stood out from the rest of the women because she was good-looking."
"You're not too shallow are you?" I mumbled.
"It ain't what's inside that counts Gabbie, it's the outside package. You can always mould the little woman the way ya want her."
"Oh really?" I commented in disbelief. "Try that on MY wife and see if it works."
"Me old gran used to say, "Weasil . . . "
"Wait a minute she DID NOT call you that."
"Yes, she did. She said, "Weasil, if a woman looks good, chews her food well and doesn't walk like an elephant then she's the right one." And Manda did qualify."
I rolled me eyes and shook me head. I just don't know about him sometimes.
"Anyway, that qualified Manda for marriage. But I had another reason for marrying her. I had hired her to come in and do me homework last semester at university and one thing led to the other where I also had her cooking me snacks and straightening me room up and sending out me laundry. I thought why pay her? Instead, I'll marry her and when we both graduate she can continue to do that for me at my house for free and I'll reap the benefits."
"NO, YOU NEVER DID!" I was flabbergasted.
"Yuppers I did. Why pay when you can get it for free? It is economy Gabbie, ya gotta love it. It be a lot cheaper to marry her than pay her for services she could do for free! I went to Manda and laid it all out on the table, and she accepted! But as the marriage date drew nearer I got me some cold feet. As news of the nuptials got out, me friends (the married ones) told me stories and the more I heard, the more I thought I was making the biggest mistake of me life! So I had a change of heart. I even told her I had changed me mind and I was letting her out of a life of drudgery, but imagine MY surprise when she said NO she wanted the life of drudgery! No matter how I argued me case, it didn't work! I even offered her compensation for a broken contract -- she could keep the ring! I offered her a hundred quid to call it off, but no, she wouldn't and unbelievable as it seemed she refused to call any of it off!
"After that, I was a goner. I knew it, me friends knew it and SHE knew it. I wanted to go on the cheap I did for the wedding, but her father didn't and so it was this week-long glam affair that I missed. Yes, I was in another part of the world while all the 'festivities' were going on. I thought by making meself scarce she would finally change her mind, but nope, nope, noppers she didn't. She actually told me absence made her love grow stronger."
He sighed as if the heavy weight of the world was on his shoulders, while I sat there trying to figure out if I should laugh or cry. I did neither, I was staying a middle course I told meself, neither objective nor subjective, I did the only thing I could do, and that was stare at him in fascination and say nothing. But the silence was too much for me, so with a straight face I egged him on.
"Me dad came and found me and dragged me (quite literally) back to Scotland and I went through with it. I was not happy but she was. She was gloating like a gloat fish."
"A gloat fish? No such thing." I interjected.
"Ya know wot I mean Gabbie." He said and sighed again. "So we were six of one and half a dozen of the other."
"What?" I was confused.
"As it happened we were getting in each other's way -- I'd be going out, she'd be coming in and vice versa. That was married life. Then something happened where I'd be going out and she'd be going too but with me! I couldn't have that so I decided to find a way to keep her home. So I planned to give her a kiddo. And I did even better I gave her two to keep her really busy. And they did! I thought that was a brilliant stroke of genius on my part." He sat there with a smug look on his DiCaprio countenance.
I was in a state of denial and shock. Was he pulling me leg or what? But to look at him he was all serious so I had to believe him. That led to me wanting to laugh for no particular reason but to disburden meself of such crazy talk! But I held it in. It was very hard to be sympathetic to such rot as was coming out of his mouth. I tell ya!
"Tell me this, do you love your two kiddos?" I asked trying to find reality somewhere in the conversation.
"Oh Maximilian, is the nicest little chappie who ever threw a ball through a window that you'd ever want to meet. The OTHER one is a little tyrant (like her mum), atrocious behaviour, loves torturing dolls and her fav pastime is tearing the wings off insects. It exhausts me to be in the same room with her for five minutes, no make that three minutes!"
I was speechless. What do you say to any of that?
"I even hooked the wee lassie up to a single harness like a pony and made her trot around the garden but it was me ended up aching with fatigue because she LIKED it and wouldn't stop!"
Oh my. I decided to bring the chat back around to Amanda.
"I say Weasil, Amanda must have her pluses for you to stay married to her, eh?"
"Pluses? A good many defects be more like it I should say. One is she never sticks to one subject she isn't on another before your thought processes have digested the first. You know what I mean? Like a fly flitting from one jellied piece of toast to another, you can't swat it because it's gone on to something else just as you raise your hand to crush it."
"I rather like women like that, I can't settle on any one thing either . . . so I'm told by MY wife," I said in earnest, though the thought of swatting a piece of jellied toast took me thoughts miles away to the mess of having to clean that up with a fly buzzing in one's ear. Oh there you go, see what I mean about me?
"What happened to that bit of fluff you were chasing named Tiffany?" I said brightly remembering a subject that had nothing to do with what we were talking about and pre-dated Amanda.
"Tiffy? No, I didn't chase her, she was chasing me! I wouldn't touch that girl without a pair of tongs. You aren't paying attention." He said all flustered.
Maybe a bit too flustered so I had to ask, "WHAT did you do to her? I can tell you did something just by how red your face is!"
"Okay," said he, "what do you want to know -- about the short temper or the long tongue?"
I sat there dumb looking at him. What was I to say to THAT? Oh yeah, Weasil you are one of the greatest blackguards that ever lived. You prove it with every black pearl that utters forth from your lips? No, I waved the subject away and came back around to HIM. I looked at him for a moment as I regrouped. His face, a handsome one, looked possessed by the devil all the same, wild and wicked, it took me a moment but I came up with something to throw at him.
"Let's not be slovenly of mind," I said, "let's try to extract the inner meaning to all this shall we, hum?" I will say the conversation kept me mind off me aches and pains.
"Why? Who cares? I don't and I don't know why YOU should." He said like this was all my idea. "Tiffy was bad news."
"Oh we are back on THAT again are we?" I was in a bewildered mindset, sorely needing quiet time to meself.
"Well, YOU brought the subject up." He reminded me, but I thought I was back on Amanda and his two wee kiddos. Apparently, he missed the train and was still in the depot! I corrected that with a question I regret ever asking.
"Well forget Tiffany, tell me about your daughter, certainly she is finding other things to do besides torture dolls and pull the wings off insects. She must have a set interest."
"You mean besides pulling the eyes out of her dolls and pasting buttons where the eyes should be and sewing their mouths shut? She does it's called Natural History. Just this last visit home, I was coming up the stairs on my way toward the sound of screaming coming from the second floor, when I met a headless snake coming down the stairs. It was still wiggling and squirming and I let it go by and as soon as it was clear of me (because without a head it couldn't see me), I continued up to the first floor landing then to the three stairs where I paused again, this time to let a headless frog hop on by. I did ask myself what the duce was going on, but I continued into the hallway where through the open door of my daughter's room, I could see a collection of headless amphibians and some in dissected mode with my daughter standing near one such specimen, screaming at the top of her lungs with a scalpel in her hand, yelling for her mother to, "GET OUT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M OPERATING?" On further inspection, I saw her mother with a horrified expression on her face and overheard her asking, "IS THIS WHAT YOU DO AFTER TEA?" Well, apparently the answer was yes, yes it was. I would have turned around and left the premises if I wasn't seen by the screaming daughter who ran at me yelling "DADDY!" at the top of her lungs with a scalpel. I had all I could do to sideswipe the weapon in hand before her mother grabbed her from behind."
Silence. I was in a state of shock. His mind was reliving the horror. It was all too much suddenly. I had a terrible headache. Finally, he shifted in his chair and looked at me.
"That gives you an indication WHY I'm here and not there?"
"Uh-huh. Yup, it does." I nodded trying to push the imagery from me mind.
"Do you want to know about her other hobby? Horticulture and what she does to the flowers with needles, pins and scissors?"
"Nah, that's okay I get the idea," I said hoping NEVER to meet that child. But I did have a question. "What's her name?"
"Coraline it is. Aptly named don't you think?"
I was stunned, and dumbly nodded, yes, perfect name.
We sat silently until I looked over at his face. There was the most devious smile trying to break out and I caught it before he could put it away.
"You know what? You're full of shite." I said and he laughed and shook his head. He really had me going. I have no clue if any of what he told me was true or not. I hope for his sake, NOT.
When he left, I had the strange feeling I had woken up from a demented dream. But no, it was real . . . unfortunately (probably have nightmares now for weeks).
Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved
7 comments:
Gabriel, I can tell you on good authority what the Weasil told you is all true. 'Tis a strange house he occupies that is ... when he sees fit to occupy it. His daughter, for some unexplained reason, believes herself an only child and (though the Weasil will deny this) is just like him. His wife complains she cannot understand why no one visits. I do tend that the poor woman lives mostly with head in sand when she isn't policing the children ... and the errant husband. ;)¬
I thought so! We must start a fund to help that woman out of the "drudgery" she signed up for, even if it means waylaying the Weasil and tying him to a post in his house. We can at least rescue HER and leave HIM with the children or the children will look after HIM! Whichever. Works for me!
omg you are both bad men and think like men! I'd like to see you get past Coraline to "rescue" her mother. it would take ninja moves I bet. would make an interesting story though. i think that the child has a healthy scientific interest - might seem odd to a man, but i will bet you both she grows up to be a top scientist. say what you will weasil provides us with hours of entertainment even if appearances are deceiving.
Mad scientist you mean. Probably resurrect Frankenstein.
Nah she did dat last year
ROFLMAO
neither kind of scientist! A SERIAL KILLER!LOL don't you guys read?
I seem to remember a few years ago using the word knucklehead or weenie for W jumping without looking.
LOL Too funny, I can just imagine your face Gabe thinking could this be true? LMAO Anything is possible with the wicked prankster.
Post a Comment