It's All Relative Isn't It?

25 May 2013

668

R. Linda:

I have a dysfunctional family history. So to discover the dysfunction continues in a family line one didn't know existed until recently, came as a huge surprise to yours truly.

It started with a call from me Mam. She told me in talking to me Da's new relatives, she told them she had a son in Boston. They, in turn, told her there was a slew of THEM in Boston. My own grey-haired, apple-cheeked little Mam threw me under the bus when she said, "Here's me son's phone number, ring the boyo up and go fer a visit!" AND THEY DID! But these were not directly related, no this was a woman who married an O'Connor and when her husband O'Connor passed away, married a Doyle. And these people were Doyles, not O'Connors.

I was sitting in me living room when the phone rang and a voice said, "Hey Gabe, how ah yah?" I was not recognising the voice but it was decidedly Bostonian in accent.

"Sorry, who is this?" I asked.

"This is yah third step cousin once or twice removed, Betts Doyle," and the voice laughed as if this was a joke.

"Sorry?" I said not understanding right away.

"Your ma and my husband's ma had a phone conversation . . . "

"OH say no more." I knew then who it was. Me long lost non-cousin who was not directly related to me in any way, shape, or form but through a step-parent maybe, who I wasn't looking for, nor forward to getting to know. And I must trust my instincts more because once I met them, it not only put me in a strenuously stressful state of mind, it sent me wife to hospital.

It all started with being talked into a meeting. As you know I live in the woods. Me abode is a nice place now that we have worked to fix it up the way we like it. It be a comfortable place, very antique (which it is) and we take care of what we have because that's how we were brought up to appreciate our abode being a reflection of ourselves. Tonya has taught our boyos to take care of their things as well and they are very well behaved I must say. But I know not all children are, a lot are indulged and have little to no respect for other's 'things' shall we say? And when you work so hard it is particularly disconcerting to put up with that sort of thing from others. There are few children the boyos play with that pretty near turn our furniture over when they visit. So when I got the call that the unknown relatives were bringing the young daughter, I was like UH OH. Especially, since my wife is in a high-risk pregnancy and any little thing can set her off.

I did make a remark that the boyos would be in school and there would be no one to play with, so have her bring something to occupy her little self unless she liked Star War toys, she was welcome to play away. Well, I was told, "She's 7 going on 30." OK.

But knowing my wife I did say, we had a lot that wasn't childproof and that made the new cousin a little snippy back with this, "She's well-behaved she won't touch your things!" Wow.

Well, I can say right off it be a good thing Mam lives far away because the "visit" was rather a stress-filled one. Over the phone, I was being told about this person and that person, none of which I knew of or recognised a tad about, and before I could say Bob's your uncle, I got this: "So Gabe, me and Michaelis will be up next Friday, noon, and don't have lunch ready we'll grab a burga on the way. Oh! And before I forget my fahdah will be with us. So take the day off it isn't every day yah get to meet yer long lost relatives yah didn't know yah had, hahaha!"

I went around the dance hall with this bird, but she would not take no for an answer. She told me she knew where I lived and no directions OR lunch needed. Seems she had looked me up on the Internet, but I know there are two other people with me name up here, so could be I'd luck out and she'd be on her way to one of them instead. Yeah right, I should be so lucky. But when I thought about it, I was not that easy to find. So . . . was there a real possibility she was off to another O'Sullivans?

Yesterday dawned rainy and windy. The wife was home, and the two boyos had school. Tonya wasn't feeling well, but she told me she'd be able to "entertain" and not to worry. It was in the back of me mind if she was staying home I should be worrying. So the noon hour came and went and I was happy the new relatives were at another O'Sullivan's abode when ten minutes after the hour, a car slowly pulled up to the crashing of thunder and lightning. I thought to meself, how perfect is this? Gees!

I could see the woman's face clearly, her mouth was an 'O' as she looked at the house and I realised, me abode was probably nicer than where she was from. Uh oh.

I went out on the porch as a small person charged out of the car and passed me into the house! She was a blur I tell ya. Then came Betty or Betts, her hair cut to her head like she was wearing a brown helmet,  in bedazzle wear, so bedazzled I was seeing flashing spots before me eyes, then the husband, dressed in undershirt and jeans with a rather tobacco stained vest, and finally grandpa, the biker dude in his dirty leathers, nicotine-stained white beard, and cigarette. I could smell the cigarette odour on all of them as they came up to me. When you do not smoke that smell is far from pleasant. I introduced meself and they did themselves and went on through, as I gulped a breath of air to follow them in.

Poor Tonya who is allergic to nicotine backed up from the group holding her breath. I knew immediately she was wishing the weather was good we could go outside in the back and sit out there. But no, it was pouring and we were stuck! Thanks, Ma!

As soon as they were all inside, Betty turned to her men and said, "We can't invite these people to our dump, look at this place."

Em . . .

"You sure are a lucky ducky Tonya to have a place like this, do you work?"

That took the wife aback, she was stunned and said, of course she did (I was waiting for the "Of course I do FOOL") but she thought it, just didn't say it out loud.

Betty's hubby says to me, "Hey Gabe yer an Okie? From Oklahoma? You sound like an Okie."

I was speechless. This is the first time an Irish accent has been taken for a heartland one and I was rather taken aback. Would it not have been more polite to leave off the "Okie" insult and just ask, "Where are you from?" Oh my.

Before we could even sit down, Betty had a pile of photo albums she was slamming on the table and opening up to show me. "This is the tribe," she says, sliding the first of 6 albums in front of me. I sat down because I knew, yes I did, this was not going to be a quick flipping through the pages because she was turning them for me after an explanation of each. Oi, oi, oi! After the first ten pages, I started to get suspicious of just WHO I was looking at.

"Are these O'Connors?" I asked knowing in me heart they were not.

"No, these are my branch the Cantonelli's."

"Okay, so which one of you is the O'Connor?" I asked also realising it wasn't her.

"Oh, that's Michaelis. He's yer relative a few times removed and stepped. You know like in step-muthah. But he's a Doyle."

Yeah, and I knew that too. So much for any known bloodline linking us.

Michaelis was as interested in this stuff as I was. "Remind me who are these people again?" He asked Betts.

"They're the O'Connor branch." She said all-knowing.

He sat at the end of the table looking around the kitchen sizing the place up, while Grandda who was a Cantonelli, stood there breathing heavily and wheezing like his lungs were tarred up, which they probably are. The child had disappeared into our living room and that is where Tonya had gone, to get away from the nicotine. What they were doing I did not know but I could hear Tonya trying to coax the child into colouring books.

Finally, everyone took a seat and they started dissing the rest of their family. As Betty would flip to a new picture I got a round of razzing of that person from Betty, Michaelis and the biker Grandda.

"Oh that's Steve, he's in witness protection," Michaelis threw out as we came to a picture of a rather natty-dressed man from the 1940s.

"That's a joke?" I asked, no it wasn't. They even told me what his new name was. And he's still alive. A great way of keeping his new identity hidden. I tell ya!

We got to Auntie Lu who had Hodgkin's Lymphoma, Auntie Tina who had Hodgkin's Disease "full blast", Uncle Albert who had Parkinson's disease and Uncle Louie, who had the "big C" and I piped up and asked, "These are all Cantonellis?"

"Yeah, they are," Betty said.

"What runs in the O'Connor family, do you know?"

"Alcoholism," Michaelis pipes up and snickers.

Great. And I'm thinking with so much cancer in the Cantonelli family why are they such heavy smokers?

Onto photo album number 2 and more Cantonellis. Oh yeah great. A newer batch. By book three I noticed a phenomenon, the child of which I had not got a good look at was all about the dog and was running in and out of the house with the animal zooming alongside. Tonya finally gave up shutting the door after the child who left it wide open. Tonya took to making coffee and offering cake which was refused because not one of them eats cake. OK. But beer would be good. I did mention to Betts she might want to look after the child because she was running amok with no guidance.

"Oh, she's fine." I was told. Meanwhile, without us knowing the child had found the doggy treats and fed the setter, not one box, but two boxes full of treats that she wouldn't get over for three months. I found a sick dog and empty boxes when they left. The dog had been sick all night, but wait, that wasn't the only animal she wreaked havoc on. On one of her zooms outside she saw me neighbour's horse out in the field. She and setter went zooming down to his barn where she found 4 lbs. of carrots and proceeded to feed all of them to the horse. Lucky for us, the horse is fine, but the old neighbour is thinking he be losing his mind because he has somehow mislaid 4 lbs. of carrots! I knew what she had done after the fact when they were leaving and she was telling Gramps about the horse and how many carrots she found, "lots and lots I fed it, thought the horse would POP."

I never saw any pictures of the step O'Connors and never heard any stories about the step O'Connors, but I know all about the Cantonellis! But midway through this Tonya left and came back with her coat and car keys.

"I have to go. I'll call you." She says and gives me a kiss, then tells the "tribe" it was nice meeting them. I ran out after her to find the excitement was too much, she was experiencing contractions and she was taking herself to the emergency. I was floored, I told her I'd drive her, but she insisted I stay. We argued all the way to the car and I could see she was getting more upset with me, so I let her go with every intention of shooing everyone out and going after her.

I told them what had transpired, but Betts is a nurse and says, "Oh she'll be all right." And proceeded to open another photo album of Cantonellis. I was dumbfounded. The more I protested the more they talked over me and told me that Tonya was fine. It was a usual occurrence and better if she had the baby sooner than later. I was like WHAT? Don't you think if that happens I SHOULD BE THERE? Well, this 'debate' went on for 30 minutes when it was interrupted by me mobile phone. It was Tonya, she was going for an ultrasound but the baby seemed fine, she'd let me know the results. I offered to come over and she said, "No, really Gabe, it is fine." The one day she has to be brave is the day I want to leave, but no, she doesn't want me to leave the "relatives." I don't know sometimes, and I certainly don't know why I have the ill fortune I do!

Around 4 p.m. the "relatives" left all happy, beered up and full of threats to come to visit again. It was then I noticed the sick dog and me neighbour tooling up the driveway with an empty wooden carton. Just what I didn't need. I waited for the neighbour as the others pulled off honking (who does that?) with the dog throwing up its guts in the driveway.

My neighbour shouted to me as he came up to where I was standing.

"Sick dog ya got theah Gabriel. Hey Gabe, I got a carton of carrots a good 4 pounds and I had 'em' down in mah barn and discovered they were all gone. Did ya by any chance take some?"

"No, you know I wouldn't without asking," I said rather perturbed.

"Well, okay because I saw that young visitor of yers in mah barn and by the hoss and wondered . . . " his voice trailed off. Then it hit me what she had said, being I was preoccupied with Tonya and I told him she might have taken them, but I did not know for sure, but I would be happy to reimburse him.

"Uh no, no, I just wondered, the hoss is off its feed and I thought she might have fed those carrots to it. Hosses will eat as much as you'll give them, they'd eat themselves to death if you leave food out. You best get to that dog, it doesn't look like it's doin' well." He said and left me.

I went in the house to get the water bowl thinking it would need water and as I walked in the back into the mudroom I noticed the empty doggy treats. OH MY GOD! I called the Vet and had to wait for that call, so I used the landline to call Tonya, no answer! I called me neighbour and asked if she'd pick the kiddos up from school. She had as prearranged with Tonya. Would she mind keeping them a little longer? I explained what had happened to Tonya. No problem. No sooner had I hung up than the mobile rang and it was the Vet, I gave them the ingredients in the box and they told me to keep the dog drinking water and there was nothing that would harm her in the treats, just give her a belly ache. As I was hanging up Tonya started texting me she was doing well, she'd be home as soon as her labs came back, but she would be having hospital dinner, so get something for myself. I said I'd be right over and she told me no, that was ridiculous she was doing much better and should be out of there by 7 p.m.

So I tried to get the dog to drink the water, but she wouldn't. She'd just whine pitifully and the cat stalked around smirking. I realised then that Mr. Kits had hidden himself the entire time all this was going on and probably laughing at the dog chowing down all those treats. I was in a daze at all that had happened in one day and the aftermath of not knowing any more about my step-relatives but that they are crude, combative, smokers, and beer drinkers with a child who could do in every animal within a five-minute radius.

Having nothing to do but what I was, I rang up me old Ma. Yes, I did and I knew it was late over there, but I did not care. I gave her a piece of my mind and told her NOT to do that again! She thought me as cantankerous as my grandda, but I did not care. "Come on now Gabe, ya had to be excited about new relatives." No, no I wasn't. And they were Doyles and Cantonellis, they weren't even O'Connors or for that matter a token O'Sullivan!

"Cantonelli? Isn't that Italian?" Asks she.

"You think?" I said sarcastically.

"We don't have Italian blood. How'd we get a Cantonelli in dere?"

"Do you really have to ask me that, Ma?" Shortly after I hung up. What was the use?

I sat there in a stupor but not for long, I realised I smelled of nicotine and needed a shower, but that didn't happen. I found meself answering the door to that seasonal pest that invades me happy home without warning, yet once again. The Weasil was bored. Yes, he was and how that state of being can happen to someone who causes chaos wherever he goes, is beyond me comprehension, but bored is what he said he was, and voila there he was darkening my doorstep. And there I was, thinking he was a few hours too late for the 'excitement'.


I was just about to get in the shower, so I told him to make himself at home and as soon as I was showered and dressed, I'd join him to listen to just how bored he was. I wanted to wash the nicotine off me along with the bad memories. But first I threw open all the kitchen windows to air the nicotine out.

"Hey Gabbie, ya got any of da latest scientific religious books hanging around?"

I had to stop and mumble scientific religious books to meself. I was about to say that was an oxymoron, but he had found the newspaper instead. Without a word, I went to me shower. While I was in there I thought I heard knocking, but I could not be sure. A moment or so later, I thought I heard voices. Well, once showered and dressed I went into the living room and asked if someone had come to the door.

"Yuppers, dey did it wuz da JW's -- a new crop," Weasil said folding the paper.

"JW's?"

"Yuppers, Jehovah's Witnesses? Dem."

"OHHH," I said glad I was not available.

"I tole em' yer arse wuz in da basement watchin' porn. I dunt think they'll be back."

Of course, he did. Lovely. I tell ya! Could me day get any worse?

I sat meself down and steeled meself to ask the question, why was the Weas bored? Certainly, Boston offered a myriad of things to do and see. Certainly, he hasn't been everywhere there is to go in Bean Town? But apparently, according to him, he has done it all!

I sat and thought about that, and I have to give it over, he probably has done it all. If I had 24/7 to spend doing anything I wanted for years at a time, I'd have seen all of Bean Town and more.

"So here you be," I said slapping me thighs.

"Yuppers, here I be." He said slapping his.

Silence. Not a word was said as we stared at each other, hoping the other would have something to say to break that awkward moment. The timing on his mobile phone was right because I heard the sound of crickets! I swear it was perfect! He has that sound when he gets a text.

"Well!" I slapped me thighs again as he looked at his phone message.

"Well!" Said he, slapping his.

"This is sad," I said.

"Yuppers it iz." He said back and more silence.

Suddenly he got up and came over with his hand extended, "Allow me to introduce meself, I be THE WEASIL, and you are?"

I had taken his hand before he opened his mouth and was shaking it as that spiel came forth. I looked up at him with my mouth hanging open in dumb surprise. He sat back down and was punching in numbers on his mobile phone.

"What are you doing? Or, who are you ringing?" I asked as he looked intent as he pushed some buttons.

"I think we needies us a third person to make life worth livin'," He said putting the phone to his ear.

"Who are you ringing up?" I asked leaning forward.

"Da Wolf."

"No, no, no, you can't do that," I said getting up to take his phone from him but he moved his head around and put up a finger to hold me off as he started talking.

"It's da Weasil, I'z lookin' fer da man," he said.

I rolled my eyes and mouthed to him to hang up.

He shook his head and continued talking, "Yeah, I needies em' ta ring me when he can." And with that, he clicked off.

"WHAT in heaven's name are you doing bothering him?" I said a wee bit outraged. "It is NOT like he's right around the corner, he's in Ireland! Do you think he's going to hop a plane and come here just to entertain the likes of YOU?" I was indignant I was.

"Really Gabbie, yer needies ta settle down it ain't like I wan' em' ta fly here, cuz we are gonna fly dere instead."

"Oh . . . oh . . . oh no we are not!" I said moving back from him, shaking my head 'No.' Then I explained to him all that happened, where Tonya was at, and how worried I was, and he looked all concerned.

"Ya haven't had dinner?"

"Dinner? I tell you all that and you ask me if I've had dinner?"

"Yup, I take it yer hasn't. I will make ya dinner while ya waits." He got up went to the kitchen got some Chinese noodles and some chicken and started preparing something.

"We having Chinese?" I asked looking to see the dog flat out asleep under the table.

"Nopers we iz gonner have Japanese."

"No, no, noodles and chicken are Chinese," I said.

"Nope, nope, noppers it iz Japanese, not Chinese me Korean friend tole me so."

I had no time to react because Tonya came walking in. Surprise WEASIL IN HER KITCHEN! Just what the doctor ordered, NOT!

She looked stunned, but sat down and told us she was fine, the baby was healthy, just the nicotine had set her allergies off coupled with the rambunctious child. It was shortly later the kiddos arrived tired out and dinner was served. It was quite good but there is no way Weasil's dish wasn't Chinese. He crashed in our guest room and today has been quite a help. Just when you think he isn't worth much, he proves otherwise. He's been on the phone several times trying to make me think he has a direct line to Wolfie, but I know better. He's hatching up a tri-state tour next week with Rabbie. I know it's coming. After last year and the inertia switch fiasco I can hardly wait.

Gabe
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