09 November 2012
604
R. Linda:
Yesterday, the day of the great nor'easter that dumped snow on Jersey, we up in New Hampshire awoke not so much to snow but snow covered in ice and not much of a nor'easter for us. Now when one does not have a paved driveway, one cannot tell there is ice on top of the snow when one has just got up, is barely conscious, and making one's zombie-like way to their motor parked inconveniently across the yard.
Yes, that was me, the guy with the briefcase under one arm, the trench coat over the same arm, and balancing a steamy cup of joe, coming out the front door, barely alive, and taking a slip (as soon as leather soled shoe struck front stoop), causing this man to slide in a bumpy fashion down the steps and into the icy snow covered in his fav beverage. YUP.
I was also covered in wet, not only icy snow that made the coffee steam, but me briefcase had decided since I was laid out on the ground it would slide its way to the motor and it did, stopping at the driver's side door. At least that got there safe and sound. The coat was covered in wet leaves and dirt and the occasional ice crystals. No one came to see what the great noise of me slippery fall was caused by, or if yours truly was dead or alive. They were inside in the same zombie-like state.
Well, didn't matter, I tried to right meself by getting on me knees to stand, only the ice made that attempt virtually impossible. So the next best thing was to crawl up the slick stairs and crawl into the house. This I accomplished by throwing my trench coat on the stairs to keep me from banging my knees and sliding back down.
Once inside I was able to assume an upright stance and seeing me reflection in the old coat stand mirror, I was a leafy, wet mess, soaked to me undies I was. Nothing to do, but pull the tie around my neck off, get the jacket off, unbutton the shirt, shrug out of the trousers, shirk off the socks and shoes, chuck the underwear and into a hot shower AGAIN.
My morning did not start off well. I was asked as I came out of the shower why I left me briefcase in the driveway all night and why was I taking another shower? All questions I had no time to answer. Once dressed and ready to set off for the second time, I went to the mud room and located a pair of spike things that slipped over me shoes to keep me from taking another header off the porch. So decked out, I made it to the motor and briefcase and got in my Saturn, only then remembering I didn't have another cup of joe.
The motor started right up, but then her wheels spun on the ice and that awful noise of spinning tyres filled the morning air. I tried and tried and could not move. The motor was sideways and I was banging my head on the steering column when I heard the sound of heavy machinery. There was me old neighbour having heard the spinning wheels come up to push me down his driveway to the road. I know I looked like a piece of work being pushed down that long driveway by an old man on his tractor, but it got me on the road. Lucky for me they sanded that and I had no trouble traversing it to the highway.
My day had started out bloody dreadful, and it got no better. I had forgotten my second cup of joe so I stopped at a coffee shop that wasn't a chain. I pulled in and ordered a large hot coffee, cream only, and was told they were out of coffee.
"THIS is a coffee shop is it not?" I demanded.
"Uh yup, it is." Answered the disembodied male voice.
"And YOU are telling me you have no coffee."
"Uh . . . that is correct."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO COFFEE? YOU'RE A COFFEE SHOP!"
There was silence and then another voice, an older feminine voice said, "There is no need to shout sir, the entire store can hear you."
"GOOD!" I yelled and seeing no reason to stay there a second coffee-less moment longer, I peeled rubber and zig-zagged my icy way to the end of the drive-thru and pulled back onto the highway seething.
When I got to work, no sooner had I taken me coat off than I was told to go out on an assignment. I got my coat and headed for the office coffee machine and found the idiots that work with me had sucked it dry. There was none to be had! I slammed out and walked the five blocks to me story and stood outside in the pouring sleet and ice waiting to be let into a building with the rest of the news hounds. I got in and asked me questions, standing there dripping like everyone else, until I spied a few of them with coffee cups. I lost my concentration and was salivating until the woman standing next to me handed me a napkin.
"You just have dental work? Mouth still numb?"
Oh my God, she thought . . . well you know what she thought. That is how bad the drooling was. I tell ya! I mumbled, wiping up me drool and nodded, all in the hope she brought her own assessment of my situation and was I ever so glad to get out of there.
I was in a part of Boston I wasn't familiar with so I asked one of the lucky coffee drinkers where there was a coffee shop and he directed me three blocks down. I took off at a lope so famished for joe was I, and so out of sorts from the lack of.
But instead of things getting better, they got worse. I stood in line for five minutes and then ordered a tall coffee with cheese Danish. I paid for it, got myself a little bag with the Danish and my cup of joe and was all set to sit down and enjoy my repast. ONLY there was no freaking place to sit!
Everywhere I looked were people sitting at tables with laptops, Kindles, IPads, and none of them, NO NONE OF THEM were drinking coffee or eating a Danish. They were there to use the wireless! I was cold, unhappy, hungry, in need of joe and standing there like a hungry wolf, getting pretty pissed off that NO ONE was leaving.
I went around looking to see if there was a seat available that I just wasn't seeing. There were bone-dry empty cups, that had been there so long mould was growing in them. And, one of the mindless even had a brown bag lunch with him! He took out an orange and absentmindedly peeled it, and then cut it into sections with a penknife. Then, he'd slowly pop a section into his mouth and just as slowly chew as he read his screen. I was like REALLY? You aren't even BUYING anything here, just using the Wi-Fi?
I got an idea, a dastardly idea, but an idea all the same and I be here to tell you it worked! And don't ask me if I feel bad about it because I DON'T. I had moved meself to the edge of the counter where employees were busy serving customers who came in for coffee and dashing off to work. I asked if I could put me little breakfast on the edge of the counter because there were no seats or tables available and was told certainly. While I was there I started a conversation with the young lad behind the counter. I complained about the non-paying customers hogging the Wi-Fi and got lip service in return for commiserating with me. I moved sort of behind the counter to get out of the way and as I looked down, I saw the router. Yes, I did, it was right there under the counter within a hand's reach.
When the lad working the register next to me went to get a Danish for a customer me hand accidentally slipped down and OOPS the router was unplugged! OH MY GOD you'd think the ceiling fell. The entire poser posse let up a shout and chaos reigned as I moved a little to the side of the counter and back from the router. The workers behind the counter all looked startled, not knowing what the posers were complaining about until one of them came to the counter and said the router wasn't working. I smiled like a Cheshire cat at the thought. Ohhh too bad.
The cashier was busy getting the Danish, so the router stayed dropped long enough for a few of the freeloaders to snap their electronic pads shut and leave in a huff of disgust. This gave yours truly recourse to occupy an empty seat well away from the scene of the crime. So by the time the cashier came back and discovered the problem I was well on my way to enjoying me meagre brekkie, freeloader-free.
I decided to get another cup of joe to go but had to wait until all the machines were brewing fresh pots. I said to the cashier, "Boy the electronics population got in a tizzy over the dropped router."
The young man looked at me wistfully and said, "Yeah the moocher population really groaned over that. I was in the back and heard them. I thought some tweet came up on Lindsay Lohan and they were reading the same thing."
"I noticed a lot of them picked up their brown bags and left when it wasn't turned on right away."
"Those are the basement dwellers, all probably live with their parents," he said smiling at me as we both watched the remaining hardcore posers pounding on keys. "No jobs, no common sense. They could all go to the library, but that wouldn't be cool."
I nodded, looking out at the loser population. "Like bottom feeders, huh?"
"Yeah JUST like that," he said handing me the fresh cup of joe.
I went back to my office cubicle quite satisfied with meself. I had started a mini-riot, but better an exodus which freed up a few tables for paying customers like myself. I felt I did my civic duty I do. So now all I have to do if this situation should occur again, is locate the bloody router and somehow covertly unplug it. I be passing this on to you in case you come upon this very same situation and need to FIX it.
Have a great day! Mine is vastly improved.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Yesterday, the day of the great nor'easter that dumped snow on Jersey, we up in New Hampshire awoke not so much to snow but snow covered in ice and not much of a nor'easter for us. Now when one does not have a paved driveway, one cannot tell there is ice on top of the snow when one has just got up, is barely conscious, and making one's zombie-like way to their motor parked inconveniently across the yard.
Yes, that was me, the guy with the briefcase under one arm, the trench coat over the same arm, and balancing a steamy cup of joe, coming out the front door, barely alive, and taking a slip (as soon as leather soled shoe struck front stoop), causing this man to slide in a bumpy fashion down the steps and into the icy snow covered in his fav beverage. YUP.
I was also covered in wet, not only icy snow that made the coffee steam, but me briefcase had decided since I was laid out on the ground it would slide its way to the motor and it did, stopping at the driver's side door. At least that got there safe and sound. The coat was covered in wet leaves and dirt and the occasional ice crystals. No one came to see what the great noise of me slippery fall was caused by, or if yours truly was dead or alive. They were inside in the same zombie-like state.
Well, didn't matter, I tried to right meself by getting on me knees to stand, only the ice made that attempt virtually impossible. So the next best thing was to crawl up the slick stairs and crawl into the house. This I accomplished by throwing my trench coat on the stairs to keep me from banging my knees and sliding back down.
Once inside I was able to assume an upright stance and seeing me reflection in the old coat stand mirror, I was a leafy, wet mess, soaked to me undies I was. Nothing to do, but pull the tie around my neck off, get the jacket off, unbutton the shirt, shrug out of the trousers, shirk off the socks and shoes, chuck the underwear and into a hot shower AGAIN.
My morning did not start off well. I was asked as I came out of the shower why I left me briefcase in the driveway all night and why was I taking another shower? All questions I had no time to answer. Once dressed and ready to set off for the second time, I went to the mud room and located a pair of spike things that slipped over me shoes to keep me from taking another header off the porch. So decked out, I made it to the motor and briefcase and got in my Saturn, only then remembering I didn't have another cup of joe.
The motor started right up, but then her wheels spun on the ice and that awful noise of spinning tyres filled the morning air. I tried and tried and could not move. The motor was sideways and I was banging my head on the steering column when I heard the sound of heavy machinery. There was me old neighbour having heard the spinning wheels come up to push me down his driveway to the road. I know I looked like a piece of work being pushed down that long driveway by an old man on his tractor, but it got me on the road. Lucky for me they sanded that and I had no trouble traversing it to the highway.
My day had started out bloody dreadful, and it got no better. I had forgotten my second cup of joe so I stopped at a coffee shop that wasn't a chain. I pulled in and ordered a large hot coffee, cream only, and was told they were out of coffee.
"THIS is a coffee shop is it not?" I demanded.
"Uh yup, it is." Answered the disembodied male voice.
"And YOU are telling me you have no coffee."
"Uh . . . that is correct."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO COFFEE? YOU'RE A COFFEE SHOP!"
There was silence and then another voice, an older feminine voice said, "There is no need to shout sir, the entire store can hear you."
"GOOD!" I yelled and seeing no reason to stay there a second coffee-less moment longer, I peeled rubber and zig-zagged my icy way to the end of the drive-thru and pulled back onto the highway seething.
When I got to work, no sooner had I taken me coat off than I was told to go out on an assignment. I got my coat and headed for the office coffee machine and found the idiots that work with me had sucked it dry. There was none to be had! I slammed out and walked the five blocks to me story and stood outside in the pouring sleet and ice waiting to be let into a building with the rest of the news hounds. I got in and asked me questions, standing there dripping like everyone else, until I spied a few of them with coffee cups. I lost my concentration and was salivating until the woman standing next to me handed me a napkin.
"You just have dental work? Mouth still numb?"
Oh my God, she thought . . . well you know what she thought. That is how bad the drooling was. I tell ya! I mumbled, wiping up me drool and nodded, all in the hope she brought her own assessment of my situation and was I ever so glad to get out of there.
I was in a part of Boston I wasn't familiar with so I asked one of the lucky coffee drinkers where there was a coffee shop and he directed me three blocks down. I took off at a lope so famished for joe was I, and so out of sorts from the lack of.
But instead of things getting better, they got worse. I stood in line for five minutes and then ordered a tall coffee with cheese Danish. I paid for it, got myself a little bag with the Danish and my cup of joe and was all set to sit down and enjoy my repast. ONLY there was no freaking place to sit!
Everywhere I looked were people sitting at tables with laptops, Kindles, IPads, and none of them, NO NONE OF THEM were drinking coffee or eating a Danish. They were there to use the wireless! I was cold, unhappy, hungry, in need of joe and standing there like a hungry wolf, getting pretty pissed off that NO ONE was leaving.
I went around looking to see if there was a seat available that I just wasn't seeing. There were bone-dry empty cups, that had been there so long mould was growing in them. And, one of the mindless even had a brown bag lunch with him! He took out an orange and absentmindedly peeled it, and then cut it into sections with a penknife. Then, he'd slowly pop a section into his mouth and just as slowly chew as he read his screen. I was like REALLY? You aren't even BUYING anything here, just using the Wi-Fi?
I got an idea, a dastardly idea, but an idea all the same and I be here to tell you it worked! And don't ask me if I feel bad about it because I DON'T. I had moved meself to the edge of the counter where employees were busy serving customers who came in for coffee and dashing off to work. I asked if I could put me little breakfast on the edge of the counter because there were no seats or tables available and was told certainly. While I was there I started a conversation with the young lad behind the counter. I complained about the non-paying customers hogging the Wi-Fi and got lip service in return for commiserating with me. I moved sort of behind the counter to get out of the way and as I looked down, I saw the router. Yes, I did, it was right there under the counter within a hand's reach.
When the lad working the register next to me went to get a Danish for a customer me hand accidentally slipped down and OOPS the router was unplugged! OH MY GOD you'd think the ceiling fell. The entire poser posse let up a shout and chaos reigned as I moved a little to the side of the counter and back from the router. The workers behind the counter all looked startled, not knowing what the posers were complaining about until one of them came to the counter and said the router wasn't working. I smiled like a Cheshire cat at the thought. Ohhh too bad.
The cashier was busy getting the Danish, so the router stayed dropped long enough for a few of the freeloaders to snap their electronic pads shut and leave in a huff of disgust. This gave yours truly recourse to occupy an empty seat well away from the scene of the crime. So by the time the cashier came back and discovered the problem I was well on my way to enjoying me meagre brekkie, freeloader-free.
I decided to get another cup of joe to go but had to wait until all the machines were brewing fresh pots. I said to the cashier, "Boy the electronics population got in a tizzy over the dropped router."
The young man looked at me wistfully and said, "Yeah the moocher population really groaned over that. I was in the back and heard them. I thought some tweet came up on Lindsay Lohan and they were reading the same thing."
"I noticed a lot of them picked up their brown bags and left when it wasn't turned on right away."
"Those are the basement dwellers, all probably live with their parents," he said smiling at me as we both watched the remaining hardcore posers pounding on keys. "No jobs, no common sense. They could all go to the library, but that wouldn't be cool."
I nodded, looking out at the loser population. "Like bottom feeders, huh?"
"Yeah JUST like that," he said handing me the fresh cup of joe.
I went back to my office cubicle quite satisfied with meself. I had started a mini-riot, but better an exodus which freed up a few tables for paying customers like myself. I felt I did my civic duty I do. So now all I have to do if this situation should occur again, is locate the bloody router and somehow covertly unplug it. I be passing this on to you in case you come upon this very same situation and need to FIX it.
Have a great day! Mine is vastly improved.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
8 comments:
ROFLMAO
I would NEVER disapprove of your solution! been there wish I could do that!LOL
and I am the queen of NASTY if I don't get my favorite coffee in the morning. it's stay clear and don't EVEN look at me!
and I didn't laugh once when you fell!
I'M STILL LAUGHING!
you did not! on second thought yes you probably did lol.
Oh yes you did.
LOL! Only YOU could get away with something like that or even think about it. Tsk tsk.
ok now that you've had your victory coffee, IT'S TOO QUIET IN HERE!LMAO
I hear ya and I have a story, I just have to finish it. I had an unexpected house guest this weekend and couldn't do much, then I be at work, so when I get home I'll try to get it on here. Keep your eyes crossed I do. :-)~
any more crossed than they are, they'll trade places!LOL Is it a Weasil story?
did he happen to crawl into your washer? I can hope!LOL
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