Yar, Har, Arrr! - 4

551

15 July 2012

R. Linda:

The plank was unsteady as it was put up on OUR ship. Which, Jaack whispered to us, was a lot lower drop than from the deck of the destroyer.

"That's comforting, NOT," Weasil whispered back. "That shark is swimming right under the plank which means Cappy, we get eaten sooner."

"SO who's first?" Captain Shorty asked with a dirty laugh.

We pointed not at ourselves but at each other and could see the naval captain was not happy, so Jaack said, "It is, in my humble opinion Madame, that since HE," (he pointed at Weasil) "stole Captain Hook's non-dissolvable Irish fudge and fish food, HE should go first, THEN," he said before Weasil could protest, "HE," (pointing at me) "should go next because he hid it from your wonderful self and you and I might negotiate the next person!" He finished with a flourish of sweeping arm movement in her direction and a huge gold toothy smile.

Captain Shorty put her hands on her hips and laughed. Then she stopped short and we knew she wasn't really amused at all. Jaack's smile faded, but his mind was still working on it.

I noticed the Daddy Man standing near me so I inched on over and whispered to him, "Señor we had a good time in Tijuana," I chuckled as the memory took him and he smiled thinking of it (See A Bad Time In Tijuana 17/04/12). "We should plan on going to maybe Mexico City next." He looked at me and nodded his lower lip protruding a little in thinking I had a good idea going. "SO how about you talk your daughter out of this plank walking thing, so you and I can get planning."

He looked at me considering it and just as I thought he'd save me sorry arse, he said, "Nahhh, be more fon ta wash jue walk on a skinny piece of wood!"

I frowned, this was not going to be easy.

"I think Captain Jaack should go first," Captain Shorty said eyeing the captain and nodding at him.

"OH but wait," Jaack said, a finger raised in the air, "conditions are not right for such a stroll. I must object."

"To what?" Captain Shorty wanted to know.

"Well . . . usually it isn't a captain that walks the plank it's a common seaman." Here he glanced at Weasil and as Weasil went to protest, "You have no captain's eye-patch, no captain's hat, no squawking parrot or even an undead monkey," here he gave a shiver, "YOU don't even have a peg-leg."

"BUT I do, or did, have a cutlass!" Weasil flung at him, "THAT counts!"

"ALSO," Jaack shouted to be heard, "there has been no mutiny just an accidental loss of small cargo."

"Oh shiver me timbers!" Captain Shorty said her voice dripping with sarcasm as her patience started to run out.

"Now, now, wait Captain Missus, we could do Planking instead," Jaack suggested.

"Do what?" She asked her eyes narrowing. "I've never heard of it, what is it?"

"Well . . ." Jaack got very animated, "Plankers, uh . . . " he looked around and got me and told me to lie face down, I didn't want to, but it was going to waste time and keep me alive, so I did it. "Plankers . . . as I was saying, lie face down on deck, rigid like Captain Hook here, and in this awkward position, feet pointing down, arms at their side, as thus," he swept his arm over me in a magician's gesture of the proper posture, "and the whole concept is to put them places in this position, around the ship where the more dangerous it is, the better it looks, and then you take photos, and you upload the pictures to your Facebook Page and there you are!"

I turned and looked up at him. "That's just great put me stiff as a plank on a mast so I can fall 20 stories. I don't think so. What be wrong with you?"

"I'd rather take myself to walk the plank to da Baptismal tank." Weasil sung under his breath.

"Nah!" Captain Shorty shouted, "BUT I'll give it some thought for the future."

I got up brushed me red coat off and had a thought of me own.

"Captain Shorty, maybe you should know we aren't real pirates, no, no, indeed. We have no buried treasure because, to be honest with you, if we did, Captain Jaack wouldn't bury it, he'd spend it."

"Would not!" He said annoyed.

"AND to prove we are really good guys, the ages of us are from 30 to . . . " I looked at Jaack and grinned, "39!"

"HEY!" He protested.

"Furthermore, pirates don't live past 30 and well . . . here we are, well past." I laughed thinking meself clever, "And we," I gestured to the three of us captains, "don't swirl around in rigging, nor do we swill rum all day."

"Speak for yourself," Jaack muttered.

"Notta one of us would know what a Spanish galleon looked like to do any pirating of it," I concluded.

"BUT!" Captain Shorty exclaimed, "PIRATES do lie about having Irish fudge as you did, they do steal as Captain Jaack did, and start fights as HE did," she concluded pointing at Weasil who looked very insulted at the accusation. "THAT means . . . WALK THE FREAKING PLANK NOW!"

"I think THAT little jaunt depends on your point of view!" Jaack threw out in a last-ditch effort. "You know of Captain Henry Morgan? Well, I be related . . . sort of . . . we both like rum . . . and Captain Morgan was a gentleman as are we, and . . . no pirate was he really. That was a myth to sell the rum named after him."

"I'm of Spanish heritage, and my people considered your Captain Henry Morgan a pirate! Even more reason for plankwalking Captain Jaack. A little revenge is in order."

Well, that argument didn't fly.

We tried arguing more but in the end, there we were one tied to the other, blindfolded and shuffling along the plank. When we wouldn't jump, we crowded to the tip of it so the Daddy Man couldn't reach us and push us off. We thought we could stand there indefinitely until . . . we heard the sound of sawing. Yup someone was sawing the plank!

Suddenly I felt us tipping and as we did the plank came up and caught me square in the back of the head and that's all I remember until . . .

I found meself sitting sprawled on the deck of the ship wondering how I got there and wow did me head hurt. I looked around and Weasil was squatted down holding me arm to keep me sitting in an upright position while holding an icepack to me sore noggin' as Captain Jaack looked down at me asking if I needed a dram of rum. Then I noticed all these people, some dressed as pirates, and some not.

"What happened?" I asked very confused because last I remember . . .  hum.

"The boom hit you upside the headie," Weasil said.

"Yeah mate, there you were one minute upright and the next . . ." Jaack looked down at the deck for effect.

I put a hand gently to me throbbing noggin and looked around slowly, everything clearing.

"Where's . . . where's Rolonda?" I asked.

"Rolonda? Do you mean your muse?" Weasil asked looking at me like I wasn't right in the head. "Why would you ask where she is? She's in Colorado moving rocks."

"No, she was here with the Daddy Man and Bruce came and took me fudge and someone sawed the plank and . . ." It was then I realised how utterly ridiculous I sounded.

"Wowey wow wow," Jaack said amused, "you were in Disneyland huh? Tinkerbelle flying around?"

The mere mention of Tink had me sobering quickly. Then I remembered the destroyer.

"The . . . the . . . naval ship . . ." I looked around.

"It's over there," Weasil pointed, but I couldn't see over the side of our ship from me position on the deck and the people standing around looking down at me.

"It was real then?" I asked more confused than ever.

"Well hell it is!" Jaack laughed looking back over his shoulder at what I assumed was the naval ship. "It's all part of a reenactment mate, nothing more, nothing less, we thought we'd surprise you."

I sat there getting angry now. I didn't understand a word they said. I was very confused and thinking I had me a concussion from the blow.

"EXPLAIN! One of you." I demanded taking hold of the icepack as Weasil stood up.

"Welly," he started off.

"NO HIM, I want HIM to explain," I said to Weasil as I pointed to Captain Jaack, "because while it won't be perfect English he explains in, it will be more English than I will get from you."

They nodded it was a reasonable request and Jacck began with THIS horse's arse explanation.

"Well, as Cappy Thorn, I mean Thorpe, began . . . he and I have a mutual friend and he asked him for my number to hire me for a day. I got this phone call from my agent that a Weasil was looking to hire me for a sail on a pirate ship for his friend who fancies himself a pirate. That would be YOU," he pointed at me as I sighed near exasperation. "I told my agent I'd meet with the Weasil and we could set something up. When the young cappy here met me, he asked me if I was from Maine, and I said I was, he asked me if I read a certain blog, and  . . . well you can imagine my surprise, and I said I did, and then it struck me -- was HE the infamous Weasil who threw the Rabbie Burns dinners . . . but that's neither here nor there, he was." He said seeing me getting angrier. "Well . . . he kept on staring at me which made me nervous because I didn't know why he was doing that."

"What?" I said now more confused than ever. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Cus ya looked like Johnny Depp an I thought yer arse was. Only fer a minute did I think dat cus yer missin' a few tattoos."

"I'm getting dangerously close to stuffing you as me pet!" I said to Weasil. "Continue."

"Right," Jaack said, as I sighed, me exasperation was becoming more prominent. "After we established we sort of but not really knew each other, he told me he wanted to surprise his best friend and dress him up as a pirate and have him sail on a real pirate ship, but he wanted to make it exciting and did the pirate ships ever battle? And I said, yes as it was, there was a mock battle coming up. I have connections in the pirate world, so I asked the captain of the Forbidable if he could take two more but involve them in the reenactment. With Weasil willing to give him a little extra on the price of a ticket, it became a done deal."

"I tole da guy I wanted Jaack too," Weasil said moodily.

"Yes, he wanted to hire me as well to play the part and that's pretty much it," Jaack said.

"Such a prince among men," I said looking at Weasil. "That doesn't explain the navy ship."

"Oh, that!" Jaack said, "At the last moment the other pirate ship had to cancel, something about a hole in the hull, so as it turned out we came near cancelling, BUT I have another friend who does PT Boat reenactments so we decided to hold the mock battle with that instead."

"No you didn't," I said and looking to Weasil I asked how much it cost him.

"Notta dime." He said smugly.

"That's right, we had to pull the battle off anyway, so . . . "

"PT boat? That was a PT boat?" I said, his words dawning on me, as I pointed over the deck.

"Yeah it had to do, so that's what we did so your best friend Cappy Thorpe could give you a day of adventure on the high seas!" Jaack said looking somewhat satisfied with his explanation.

I had them help me up, I could have sworn the other boat was a destroyer, but no, there it was pulled up to our side and the entire crew waved at me. I was thinking that now I WAS dreaming.

"For all da smokey ya prolly thought dat ship was bigger den wot it were," Weasil said looking at it.

I searched the crew for the small person with red hair and green crocs but didn't see her. Wow, what a knock on the head that had been. I did notice there were every day dressed people on both ships. Suddenly, I felt very self-conscious. Some waved tentatively at me, and a few shouted out to ask if I was "all right." They clapped when I nodded further unsettling me. I had noticed tourists on board at first but I had got caught up in the excitement and then getting hit in the head I must have been out for a while and everything I thought happened was all in me head. Oi!

Later, I was checked out at a local clinic -- no concussion, just confusion and an egg on the back of me head the size of an orange . . . okay a lemon. I've decided I'm done with Weasil's antics. I know I've said that before but I mean it this time. AND meeting people on me blog whether on purpose or by someone else's design. I think I be better off that way.

   

Our souvenir picture -- like I wanna remember the day!

Gabe
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