Yar, Har, Arrr!!! - 3

550

14 July 2012

R. Linda:

I heard Captains Thorpe and Jaack yelling orders that were contradictory to each other and wondered how we were going to survive what now looked like a direct hit from the naval ship. I watched as the navy guns stopped moving with us directly in sight, and I fainted away I did. I don't remember anything until I woke up in a cloud of smoke drifting over me. I looked down at me pirate boots and saw I was still dressed like Captain Hook, so it was STILL no dream. I got up quickly and looked around. I could hear shouting from a distance until I realised my ears must be slightly deaf from the boom of the naval guns. We had all sails at full mast and were travelling like a bat out of hell. I could faintly hear voices giving orders and "Aye, aye, captain."

I looked around to see our pirate crew manning canons and shooting at a U.S. Naval destroyer! It was still coming up, and it was coming up fast. I could just make it out from all the smoke. It was shooting those massive guns over our heads in warning. It was smokey and noisy, and I wished I was anywhere else. I looked around for Weasil; I couldn't see him through the smoke.

I ran up to the poop deck, where I found Captain Jaack manning the wheel.

"Where's Weasil?"

"If ya mean Cappy Thorn, he's gone towards the bow to talk the enemy down."

"Wha . . . what?" I looked back at the bow and couldn't see anything in the smokey air. I ran down towards the bow, and as I got closer to it, I could just make out the Weasil standing on the back of the ship, sword thrust out in combat stance.

"Crazeee, crazeee, crazeee!" I muttered as I got closer.

He was shouting at some small red-haired person dressed like a naval captain except for the neon green Crocs on her feet. I was pretty sure they weren't regulation. Yes, it was a she and she looked very, very familiar. My brain was hazy, and I was gobsmacked as I thought I knew who I was looking at, but me brain rattled around the walls of me skull asking itself, "Whatever would she be doing and WHEN did she join the navy and WHY would she do such a thing? No, it couldn't be."

"HEY YOU THERE, HOOK!" The female captain shouted.

I walked over to the bow just below Weasil, where he stood on some cargo boxes. I pointed at meself in question.

"Yeah, YOU." She said like I was a nitwit. "I know you have Irish fudge; hand it over, or I'll blow this piece of floating crap your standing on into the ocean." Then, as I scratched me head in confusion, she said, "Think Titanic."

"Uhhh . . . " I said trying to think when I bought Irish fudge and where I had hidden it. Oh yes, you know I hid it if I had it. I always do. Then I remembered, IF I hid it, it would be with the costume I just happened to be wearing. But then I couldn't remember buying any, but then again . . . I must have. If I did buy it, I'd put it in the greatcoat pocket. I slipped me be-ringed fingers in the pocket then took them out to look at the rings because I don't remember putting them on or where they came from.

Weasil looked down at me, a smug look on his wicked Scottish face.

"You," I whispered up at him, "YOU did this," I held up the jewelled hand.

"WELL?" The naval captain shouted.

I jammed me hand in the pocket, but there was no packet of fudge. Then me misty, non-caffeinated brain remembered just who had found me a pirate costume. Therefore, he must have me packet of Irish fudge. I looked up at him. He was looking around like he didn't know what was up.

"Fudge, where's the fudge?" I hissed softly but venomously at him.

"I do not know of what you speak," he said, looking at his well-manicured fingernails.

"Yes, you do! Where is it?" I hissed again and threw a smile her way as I kept digging in me empty pockets like I was busy looking for it when all the while I was buying time.

"Whatever do you mean?" Weasil said, looking down at me like we had all day to stand there and be threatened with a deep sixing by a wee naval commander in green Crocs.

"You know what I mean!" I nearly shouted.

Weasil looked back in the direction of Captain Jaack, who was still standing in the clearing cannon smoke, unwrapping a packet by the ship's wheel. I knew what he was unwrapping instantly, and me heart stopped.

"See, I don't have THE item." Weasil sighed, bored, looking toward Captain Jaack.

I took off then, but I came back as I heard the naval commander shout, "HEY!" and put a finger up in wait (the entire time, I thought I KNOW HER . . . from somewhere). Holding on to me hat, I ran toward Jaack in the hopes I could stop him as he had the wrapping almost off and was examining the choice piece of chocie fudge, ready to pop it in his mouth.

"Nooo," I yelled as I dived at him. As we both went down, the fudge went up, like in slow motion. It sailed through the air and disappeared over the side, and all we could hear was a splash as it hit the water.

"DOLT!" The naval captain yelled, slapping her forehead as she watched.

Jaack's mouth was in an 'O' as he looked at me and I him. Then I noticed his beads were caught in me wig and so did he. But we were distracted from this awful fact by the naval captain shouting.

"YOU JUST JACK DAWSONED THE FUDGE!"

"Uh yappers dey did." Weasil said, being no help as usual. He looked down at us from his perch atop the cargo boxes with that smug look he often wears.

The captain and I got up and tried to untangle our locks, but it wasn't happening. It only worsened as we tried to get to the side to look overboard.

"Gone, totally gone," he muttered.

"Tell me, Captain, did that thorn in me butt over there, bribe you with Irish fudge to commandeer this floating plankton?" I asked Jaack.

"Why, yes,  yes he did, the rascal. He told me I was in for the treat of my life. That the fudge was laced with rum, and I'd attain rum-fudge bliss from the first bite to the last."

"HE said that?" I said, pulling on a lock of me wig hair, almost removing one of the three beads that had snagged it.

"He did Captain, he did say that. But you know I didn't know him well at the time . . ."

"THAT be not an excuse, and for your information, the fudge be laced with Irish whiskey, not rum! Here, help me get this undone." I yanked at his snagged dreadlocks as he yelped. "THIS be really your hair?" I asked, amazed.

"YES, IT IS," He shouted somehow through gritted teeth. "STOP your pulling, or I'll bite your nose off since it's level with my teeth!"

"You two stop that fooling around and answer me this: Who's going overboard to retrieve the fudge?" The voice said from the destroyer's deck, bringing us up short.

We both looked at her diminutive self, leaning on the railing, watching us. One green croc perched on the lower railing, the other on the deck.

"She looks casual," Jaack thought out loud.

"WELL?!" She yelled.

"Not so much," I whispered back.

We pointed at each other, shook our heads at each other, which hurt, and then pointed again at the other.

Weasil said wistfully, "That block of fudge is now salt water taffy. It's no good, don't ya see dat? The sugar is all melted from da water and probably dissolved by now."

"You have a point, young sir," Jaack said as he tugged free another beaded dreadlock. Then he had a thought, unfortunately, "BUT that was Irish fudge. It won't melt."

"Well, that's encouraging," the naval captain said. Then, watching us, she added, "You two are stupid. Take the wig off, Hookie, and do it that way. Sheesh!"

"Oh, that's right," I said and removed the hat and the wig and yes, it was so much easier to untangle that last bead from Jaack's skull. I stuck me wig and hat back on once free and looked at Jaack, pieces of me wig still caught in his beaded dreads sticking out like curly black spaghetti. He didn't notice, so I didn't tell him how ridiculous he looked. It sort of gave me a little satisfaction it did.

"I see it this way," the short red-haired commander said to us, "YOU," she pointed at Weasil, "had the fudge and gave it to him," she pointed at Jaack, "who had it in his grimy hands when YOU," she pointed at me, "big clumsy oaf that you are, came along and knocked it into the wash. So . . . as I see it, all three of ya are going down to get it."

"I say . . ." Weasil began to protest a finger in the air.

"I know what YOU said, and I don't care. I want what is left to it, even if it's no bigger than a pinkie nail."

"Oi!" I protested. "But what if there are crocodiles?"

"It's the OCEAN. There are no crocodiles in the ocean," She said, pronouncing each word slowly as if I was a dumb-arse.

"Get 'em wiggled up!" A voice shouted as we looked up to see someone who looked suspiciously like the Daddy Man coming with harnesses he threw down on our deck.

"Wiggled?" Jaack muttered, looking confused.

"He means rigged," I said.

"Oh," Jaack said, "much like you when you say TINK."

I literally jumped. Immediately me thoughts went back to Tinkerbelle, but then I realised he meant the word THINK. I was in a momentary cold sweat I was, thinking that the demented faery was somewhere in me vicinity, at which I would do without the benefit of harness and drown meself willingly.

Weasil, always accommodating when you don't want him to be, threw two harnesses at us and we had nothing for it but to belt ourselves up. The Daddy Man agilely leapt from the destroyer deck to ours. He hooked the cables that would keep us from floating away to the ship's wheel.

"Like that's gonna keep us secure," Weasil sighed but resigned to the fact that we were on our own.

We had little choice but to become fish food. We jumped overboard and into the wash as Captain Shorty (me name for her) ordered us. Holding our noses, we went under. Jaack and I were once again tangled. This time, his cable was wrapped around mine, so we were again at each other, trying to free ourselves. While thus occupied, Weasil looked around for the packet and saw it on the sandy bottom. He pounded us both good ones on our upper arms, signalling he was going for the packet. That made me and Jaack struggle all the more because we wanted to be the ones to get the fudge and become the hero. Just as we separated and were swimming downward, Jaack pulled up and grabbed me cable pulling me back. I was in a fury; I was almost to Weasil and knew he was trying to keep me from it. I wound up me fist arm and was going to bop him one, but he was pointing in the opposite direction, his kohled eyes very big with alarm and he was mouthing "Bru . . . Bru . . . Bruce!" I turned to see what he was pointing at and calling Bruce. It was me turn for me kohled eyes to get big with alarm. For swimming towards us was BRUCE the great 20-foot WHITE SHARK! And there was Weasil, almost to the packet, holding his breath, arm outstretched to reach it when suddenly the packet was gone, and Weasil was sent into a tailspin of bubbles.

"He's lucky his arm didn't get bitten off," I said to Jaack, who was looking up to grab his cable and start pulling himself to the surface. 

I grabbed him and signed, "What about Captain Thorpe?" and pointed at the Weasil who had stopped spinning and was looking around bewildered for the fudge packet.

"He's on his own, mate." He signed back at me, and up went Jaack.

Could this situation get any worse? I ask ya.

I made me way over to Weasil and pulled him up by his belt all the way to the surface. Jaack was already on deck explaining to Captain Shorty what happened, as I literally got the superhuman strength to fling Weasil, AKA Captain Thorpe, AKA Captain Thorn, on the deck. Then I climbed over, panting from the exertion.

"Sooo . . . we were in the drink, over there," Jaack was explaining, pointing with a limp wrist action towards the water, "AND . . . " he heaved a great sigh, "we had all three of us our grubby hands on the open package, OH! AND for your information, the fudge was in one piece," he gave a toothy gold smile at Captain Shorty as she stood atop the cargo boxes above us, arms crossed, foot tapping with impatience, "And well . . ." here Jaack paused for dramatic effect, "JUST as we were going to lift it up for YOU, a shark named Bruce came along and took it away."

He took a step or two back to be out of striking range, and I shook me head in agreement that yes, it happened just that way until Weasil spoke up. "NAH HA! I had dat fudge. You two weren't even near it!"

"Liars, liars pants on fire." Captain Shorty huffed at us. "The three of you should walk the plank for incompetence!"

WALK THE PLANK? This situation was getting worse just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. We three knew we'd be shark food.

"Yer heartless, but I kind of like ya," Weasil said to the diminutive captain of the naval destroyer.

"Oh yeah, you think you do, do you?" She answered, sizing the young whippersnapper up. "You want to live to see another Guy Fawkes Day?"

"Robbie Burns," he corrected her, which I didn't think was a good idea.

"Yeah, whatever, a haggis is a haggis no matter what ya call it," Captain Shorty snorted down at him.

I gulped, but it came to me JUST WHO the short person in the naval uniform with the non-regulation green neon Crocs really was.

Gabe

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