04 April 2012
Story #514
R. Linda:
There are funny people in the world, there be, and most often, they think instead of being funny, they are being most helpful. Take, for example, me telling people of me impending trip to the old sod. Well, you'd think this be me first trip because those helpful types forget where I'm from, to begin with, so they extend some words of warning before I go abroad.
Yes, like when I was asked where I was going exactly (by someone we all know and love, and who will remain nameless for the present, but I'm sure you can figure out who this person is). Anyway, I said I was starting in Dublin and heading north.
"YOU don't mean you're going to Northern Ireland, do ya?"
"Well, yes, I do," I said, "Ulster County, to be precise."
"Oh my God! Why would you want to go up there? It isn't safe!"
"OK," I said, wondering if something had happened recently that it wasn't safe.
"Here," the person said, taking me by me upper arm and leading me to a quiet corner, "Just know that if the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU!"
"Uh . . . "
"Gabe, any incoming fire has the right of way, so don't stand in the line of fire if at all possible."
"You would be referring to a rock-throwing session and the police showing up with the rubber bullets?" I asked quietly.
"That's right! And don't look conspicuous, or at least try not to; it draws fire."
"So, I shouldn't look the right Paddy wearing white socks black shoes, black trousers, a white (as you call it) undershirt with a waistcoat and a cap covering me IRISH head?"
"EGG-ZACTLY."
I sighed.
"Look, if someone tells you they have an easier way to get somewhere," and he looked around to avoid being overheard, "know the easy way is always mined."
"Uh . . . O - K," I said, shoving me hands in me pockets for want of using them to strangle him. "Mines like in KAA-BOOM, those mines? Not like in coal?"
"EGG-ZACTLY. Try not to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo."
"Who might be?" I asked as if I was all interested.
"THEM. You know who."
"OK," I said, feigning knowledge I did not have and wasn't about to get.
"And Gabe, professionals are predictable. It's the amateurs that are dangerous." He looked at me knowingly and then around to ensure he wasn't being overheard.
"Sooo . . . never mind," I said.
"The enemy invariably attacks on one or two occasions."
I waited, but he said nothing, so I bit and asked, "What occasions are those?"
"First, when you're ready for them and second, when you're not ready for them."
Oh, like that makes sense. For sure! I rubbed me face in me hands as if this was a dream and it would all go away, but no! He was still inching closer to me to tell me this gem: "If yer with people, teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at."
I wanted to laugh, but it wasn't funny.
"Listen here, Gabe, if you find you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed at you."
I was wondering what that was about, so I said, "Listen here, me friend. I'm going to Ireland, not Scotland, so Claymores? Really? I don't think I'll be getting into any sword fights if I can help it. We Irish use rocks and bottles; we have plenty of that hanging around."
"Gabe, you never know until it's too late. If your attack is going well, then you will know for certain you walked into an ambush."
"OH GOD," I said, not based on what he had just said but on his saying it to begin with.
"No, don't lose hope. Draw fire; it irritates the people around you!"
Like that would make things better. As IF!
"Let me assure you, no one is going to fire at me," I said, trying to sound convincing. But I will admit that all this talk of claymores and gunfire made me feel on edge.
"BUT you don't know they won't. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Remember that. Do not get caught in the middle." He said this as if it was a dire warning.
"Oi." Said I, and half laughed at how ludicrous the conversation was.
"Don't laugh, Gabe, because when the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not YOUR friend."
"Grenades?" I shouted, and he made gestures for me to pipe down.
"Just remember, if it's a stupid idea and it works, it isn't stupid."
"Right," I said, looking around for an out.
"Oh! And when in doubt, empty the magazine."
I took a deep breath. I felt like I was about to hyperventilate. "I should consider IF I be walking in open fields; they would be worthy of me stopping and digging foxholes to get through them by the sound of what you are saying," I said, annoyed.
"Oh yes, foxholes, never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you!"
"I'm sure the explanation for THAT one be obvious, but I don't get it," I was complaining, yes I was. "That is like saying anything I do can get me shot, including doing nothing."
"EGG-ZACTLY Gabe, now you're getting it." He was ecstatic. "But back to that foxhole, if you make it too tough for the enemy to get in, remember you may not be able to get out either!"
"OH FOR SURE, THAT makes perfect sense!" I said, slapping me thigh. "Why didn't I think of THAT? And if I have a mind of me own, do I throw it?" I was being sarcastic, playing on words, but it was lost on him.
"Mines, Gabe, are equal opportunity weapons. Remember that."
"I will come back unscathed, and YOU will be presenting me with a Purple Heart, right?" I quipped.
"A Purple Heart just proves that if you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive it, then YES, if you come back, you deserve one!"
"Anything else?" I said, mindlessly tapping an impatient foot. Oh, God, me grandmother used to do that! I'm turning into my very own Grandmother! All I need is the dress and the shoes, but I digress.
"Why just a few things more and then you can go abroad and enjoy your trip." He grinned at me.
"I know I will regret this, but what few things?" I cringed.
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't volunteer for anything."
I stood there, holding me coffee in the air, looking at him like he was nuts, which he was.
"Know that should you find yourself in a paramilitary fiasco up there and forced to join the :::: cough, cough:::: military side, that the quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small."
Okay, I did laugh at that one. BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!
"This one is the most important, Gabe. Five-second fuses only last three minutes and vice versa." And he pointed his finger at me to remember. I nodded and pressed me lips bloodless.
"And the last one?" I sighed, nearly at the end of me tether.
"If you find yerself in an aeroplane, it is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
"OK, that's it!" I said and shook his hand. I strolled as quickly as I could AWAY in the opposite direction.
WHO IS HE? WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BUTT OF HIS JOKES? I DON'T GET IT. Everyone finds him amusing, but ME. WHY IS THAT? I'LL TELL YOU WHY BECAUSE ::: LET US SAY IT TOGETHER ::: BECAUSE GABE IS THE BUTT OF HIS JOKES THAT'S WHY. ARGHHH!!!
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
There are funny people in the world, there be, and most often, they think instead of being funny, they are being most helpful. Take, for example, me telling people of me impending trip to the old sod. Well, you'd think this be me first trip because those helpful types forget where I'm from, to begin with, so they extend some words of warning before I go abroad.
Yes, like when I was asked where I was going exactly (by someone we all know and love, and who will remain nameless for the present, but I'm sure you can figure out who this person is). Anyway, I said I was starting in Dublin and heading north.
"YOU don't mean you're going to Northern Ireland, do ya?"
"Well, yes, I do," I said, "Ulster County, to be precise."
"Oh my God! Why would you want to go up there? It isn't safe!"
"OK," I said, wondering if something had happened recently that it wasn't safe.
"Here," the person said, taking me by me upper arm and leading me to a quiet corner, "Just know that if the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU!"
"Uh . . . "
"Gabe, any incoming fire has the right of way, so don't stand in the line of fire if at all possible."
"You would be referring to a rock-throwing session and the police showing up with the rubber bullets?" I asked quietly.
"That's right! And don't look conspicuous, or at least try not to; it draws fire."
"So, I shouldn't look the right Paddy wearing white socks black shoes, black trousers, a white (as you call it) undershirt with a waistcoat and a cap covering me IRISH head?"
"EGG-ZACTLY."
I sighed.
"Look, if someone tells you they have an easier way to get somewhere," and he looked around to avoid being overheard, "know the easy way is always mined."
"Uh . . . O - K," I said, shoving me hands in me pockets for want of using them to strangle him. "Mines like in KAA-BOOM, those mines? Not like in coal?"
"EGG-ZACTLY. Try not to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo."
"Who might be?" I asked as if I was all interested.
"THEM. You know who."
"OK," I said, feigning knowledge I did not have and wasn't about to get.
"And Gabe, professionals are predictable. It's the amateurs that are dangerous." He looked at me knowingly and then around to ensure he wasn't being overheard.
"Sooo . . . never mind," I said.
"The enemy invariably attacks on one or two occasions."
I waited, but he said nothing, so I bit and asked, "What occasions are those?"
"First, when you're ready for them and second, when you're not ready for them."
Oh, like that makes sense. For sure! I rubbed me face in me hands as if this was a dream and it would all go away, but no! He was still inching closer to me to tell me this gem: "If yer with people, teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at."
I wanted to laugh, but it wasn't funny.
"Listen here, Gabe, if you find you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed at you."
I was wondering what that was about, so I said, "Listen here, me friend. I'm going to Ireland, not Scotland, so Claymores? Really? I don't think I'll be getting into any sword fights if I can help it. We Irish use rocks and bottles; we have plenty of that hanging around."
"Gabe, you never know until it's too late. If your attack is going well, then you will know for certain you walked into an ambush."
"OH GOD," I said, not based on what he had just said but on his saying it to begin with.
"No, don't lose hope. Draw fire; it irritates the people around you!"
Like that would make things better. As IF!
"Let me assure you, no one is going to fire at me," I said, trying to sound convincing. But I will admit that all this talk of claymores and gunfire made me feel on edge.
"BUT you don't know they won't. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Remember that. Do not get caught in the middle." He said this as if it was a dire warning.
"Oi." Said I, and half laughed at how ludicrous the conversation was.
"Don't laugh, Gabe, because when the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not YOUR friend."
"Grenades?" I shouted, and he made gestures for me to pipe down.
"Just remember, if it's a stupid idea and it works, it isn't stupid."
"Right," I said, looking around for an out.
"Oh! And when in doubt, empty the magazine."
I took a deep breath. I felt like I was about to hyperventilate. "I should consider IF I be walking in open fields; they would be worthy of me stopping and digging foxholes to get through them by the sound of what you are saying," I said, annoyed.
"Oh yes, foxholes, never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you!"
"I'm sure the explanation for THAT one be obvious, but I don't get it," I was complaining, yes I was. "That is like saying anything I do can get me shot, including doing nothing."
"EGG-ZACTLY Gabe, now you're getting it." He was ecstatic. "But back to that foxhole, if you make it too tough for the enemy to get in, remember you may not be able to get out either!"
"OH FOR SURE, THAT makes perfect sense!" I said, slapping me thigh. "Why didn't I think of THAT? And if I have a mind of me own, do I throw it?" I was being sarcastic, playing on words, but it was lost on him.
"Mines, Gabe, are equal opportunity weapons. Remember that."
"I will come back unscathed, and YOU will be presenting me with a Purple Heart, right?" I quipped.
"A Purple Heart just proves that if you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive it, then YES, if you come back, you deserve one!"
"Anything else?" I said, mindlessly tapping an impatient foot. Oh, God, me grandmother used to do that! I'm turning into my very own Grandmother! All I need is the dress and the shoes, but I digress.
"Why just a few things more and then you can go abroad and enjoy your trip." He grinned at me.
"I know I will regret this, but what few things?" I cringed.
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't volunteer for anything."
I stood there, holding me coffee in the air, looking at him like he was nuts, which he was.
"Know that should you find yourself in a paramilitary fiasco up there and forced to join the :::: cough, cough:::: military side, that the quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small."
Okay, I did laugh at that one. BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!
"This one is the most important, Gabe. Five-second fuses only last three minutes and vice versa." And he pointed his finger at me to remember. I nodded and pressed me lips bloodless.
"And the last one?" I sighed, nearly at the end of me tether.
"If you find yerself in an aeroplane, it is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
"OK, that's it!" I said and shook his hand. I strolled as quickly as I could AWAY in the opposite direction.
WHO IS HE? WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BUTT OF HIS JOKES? I DON'T GET IT. Everyone finds him amusing, but ME. WHY IS THAT? I'LL TELL YOU WHY BECAUSE ::: LET US SAY IT TOGETHER ::: BECAUSE GABE IS THE BUTT OF HIS JOKES THAT'S WHY. ARGHHH!!!
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
egg-Zactly hehee
ReplyDeleteHow to give yourself away, LMAO EGG-ZACTLY, gees.
ReplyDeleteI think you should bring him with you for protection! LMAO
ReplyDeleteOh right you go! He's already offered to meet me over there. SIGH
DeleteMatey don't dig a hole you can't get out of!
ReplyDeleteI remember the last trip you had with Mr. W and the man with the good hair!
ReplyDeleteDidn't you get detained and almost arrested at the airport?LOL
Uh . . . yup but that was the man with the good hair they were more interested in. He wasn't EGG-Zactly cooperative and I being the lesser Irishman was treated to guilt by association. YUP I was.
Delete