25 April 2012
521
R. Linda:
Well, the mail has come from the old sod. I dread opening it at times, I really do. You know what tomes of craziness Mam writes me, but I decided I'd have to open it sooner or later, so might as well be sooner -- get it out of the way.
SO the news from Ireland. Yes, indeed, she starts off with this:
"Gabriel, me boyo, you remember dat bridge on Bridge Rood?" I read, and me reaction was well DUH.
I read on.
"Well, yesterday dare wuz all kinds of commotion. Seamus O'Neil, certainly you remember him! He's da one ya went ta school wit ya dat couldn't tell time and probably still can't." I stopped reading as I wondered what THAT had to do with anything, but still, so I went back to it.
"He sumhow got a job drivin' a lorry and he wuz coomin' up ta Bridge Rood an he wuz lookin' at his new birthday present A WATCH if ya can believe dat! And since he wuzn't lookin' where he wuz a-goin' (probably tryin' to figure out which wuz da big hand and which wuz da little hand), he hit dat bridge and da constables hadda coom. Dey ended up towin' da lorry off along wit Seamus who wuz lookin' very sheepish accordin' ta Mary McBride, you remember her, she's da one had dat crush on ya when ya wuz five."
I had to stop and pour a drink, I was feeling the need very badly I was. I sat down sipping on me Jamesons and staring off into space for a very long time, not wanting to go back to the letter, but I couldn't delay indefinitely, so I read on. SIGH.
"Sos Mary tole me dat no sooner did all da neighbours goo bach in dare houses Jamie O'Reilly coombs swinging round da opposite corner and SMACK inta da utter side a da bridge! Can ya believe it? Hiz excuse wuz dat he wuz distracted by Kathleen O'Mara, who wuz coomin' outta her ma's house wearing the shortest skirt he's ever seen and whamo he wuzn't lukin' and he broke da axle on his lorry. Of course, da rood wuz slick wit rain at da tyme an his tyres were bald, sos dat didn't help em' any."
I had a headache.
"Ya know I have said it befur and I'll say it agin, dat Kathleen be trooble, she's always fergittin her clothes befur she leaves da house! I wish her da wuz alive because he'd give er' wotfur he would. Probably rollin' in his grave as it be."
Migraine coming on.
"Sos iffin ya should need ta drive across da bridge it be closed. Just wanted ta let ya know."
WHAT? When am I going to be there? Not anytime soon. I tell ya the woman will drive anyone sane into insanity. Give her two minutes of your time and before you know it you will be crazier than a loon thanks to me grey-haired, apple-cheeked little Mam. But that wasn't all. There was more. Brace yourself this next bit be MORE bizarre.
"Johnny Kelley died he did, may he be dead a year befur the devil hears of it, God rest his sol; he wuz yer fatter's age and I said ta yer fatter at da wake as we wuz lukin' in da casket, dat dat could be him if he isn't careful."
Oh my God, the woman!
"So we sat down and as da service wuz goin' on, Brigid Duffy wuz cryin' up a storm and dis got Annie Kelley's attention as to WHY. I luked at yer fatter and he luked at me with raised eyebrows and we just shook our heads . . . just like everyone else wuz dare.
"But rite after da service dey had us all goo oop ta pay our last respects an we wuz standin' in da queue when dare wuz sumting goin' on oop by the casket. Dare wuz a shovin' match and angry words bein' thrown around. We couldn't see nuthin' until Mrs. Kelley came spinnin' down da line pullin' on Brigid Duffy's hair and had her in a headlock she did! Brigid wuz cursin' her out like dare wuz no tomorra I gotta tell ya, a pounded on Annie as dey took out da line like we wuz a line of dominos. Seems Annie Kelley had JUST found out wot da resta us knew and dat wuz dat Brigid wuz fer years Johnny's girlfriend (well . . . Annie has another name fer her), but anyway, dey were hittin' and scatchin' at each other and knockin' people doon so da funeral director rang da constables ta coom on over and do sumting' ta stop em' befur dey killed each other. Of course, it took em' a while to ring and yer fatter tinks it be because dey were hopin' fer more business ya know a few more caskets . . . It wuz a treble ting dat Johnny's wife wuz carted away and so wuz Brigid an half da mourners ended up at da casualty wit broken noses an ribs and such. Sos dey both missed da burial along wit half da people who had coom fer it.
OK, that was it for me. I was done, but then I saw a postscript. I squeezed me eyes shut like that would make it disappear but when I looked I could see the writing. I took a deep breath and read on.
"Gabriel you gotta write da queen an tell her dat not all Irishmen are drunks."
Oh for sure, I'll do that right now. NOT.
"Sum young man from Tipperary, a Bobby Pennefather . . . do ya know em?"
Oh sure, I know everyone from Tipperary. I even said out loud as if she were there, "GET SERIOUS MAM!" But Pennefather? Hardly an Irish name is it? I was wondering what Mam had put in her tea.
"Well, dis here Pennefather got himself in his coops he did and found his way ta Windsor Castle. You remember dat place where all da redcoats wit da hotshot electric rifles came marchin' by and scared ya."
I need to clarify this before I go on. I was at Windsor with the parents when I heard the marching of feet and I turned around to find meself in the way of the Queen's Guards who were totting semi-automatic rifles, not ELECTRIC rifles. I don't know where she gets this stuff from, and I don't even know who she be sometimes, like now. Anyway, it startled me, was a long time ago, I was a wheezer of a boyo and I thought the guards carried swords, but I was dumb, young and obviously not up on artillery. Anyway, they were almost upon me when I was pulled by me da to the side so they didn't trample over me. That was it, not a big deal. I was NOT scarred for life.
"Dis Pennefather wuz lurchin' around the castle near da Queen's apartments when he was stopped. Dey asked em' if he had a pass and he said, "Wot pass?" the dolt.
"And ya know wot he wuz? He was a lorry driver! I tell ya dese lorry drivers need to be kept at home dey do. He had been out drinkin' wit a bunch of em' he wuz. Sos his punishment wuz dat he hadda write a letter of apology ta da Queen and Duke AND the Queen's protection unit, AND dey banned him from all da pubs in da UK!"
Yeah so there! Gees. Actually, that last BE the punishment. How will he survive THAT? If it were me sitting in judgment, I'd send him back to Tipperary even if it be a long way. Well, that was the news from home. So enlightened was I, but I still had a small post-post script and it said:
"Don't quit yer job and becoom a lorry driver dare Gabriel, no goud will coom of it I tell ya! Love, yer Mammy."
Have you ever seen a grown man cry? Yeah, well . . .
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Well, the mail has come from the old sod. I dread opening it at times, I really do. You know what tomes of craziness Mam writes me, but I decided I'd have to open it sooner or later, so might as well be sooner -- get it out of the way.
SO the news from Ireland. Yes, indeed, she starts off with this:
"Gabriel, me boyo, you remember dat bridge on Bridge Rood?" I read, and me reaction was well DUH.
I read on.
"Well, yesterday dare wuz all kinds of commotion. Seamus O'Neil, certainly you remember him! He's da one ya went ta school wit ya dat couldn't tell time and probably still can't." I stopped reading as I wondered what THAT had to do with anything, but still, so I went back to it.
"He sumhow got a job drivin' a lorry and he wuz coomin' up ta Bridge Rood an he wuz lookin' at his new birthday present A WATCH if ya can believe dat! And since he wuzn't lookin' where he wuz a-goin' (probably tryin' to figure out which wuz da big hand and which wuz da little hand), he hit dat bridge and da constables hadda coom. Dey ended up towin' da lorry off along wit Seamus who wuz lookin' very sheepish accordin' ta Mary McBride, you remember her, she's da one had dat crush on ya when ya wuz five."
I had to stop and pour a drink, I was feeling the need very badly I was. I sat down sipping on me Jamesons and staring off into space for a very long time, not wanting to go back to the letter, but I couldn't delay indefinitely, so I read on. SIGH.
"Sos Mary tole me dat no sooner did all da neighbours goo bach in dare houses Jamie O'Reilly coombs swinging round da opposite corner and SMACK inta da utter side a da bridge! Can ya believe it? Hiz excuse wuz dat he wuz distracted by Kathleen O'Mara, who wuz coomin' outta her ma's house wearing the shortest skirt he's ever seen and whamo he wuzn't lukin' and he broke da axle on his lorry. Of course, da rood wuz slick wit rain at da tyme an his tyres were bald, sos dat didn't help em' any."
I had a headache.
"Ya know I have said it befur and I'll say it agin, dat Kathleen be trooble, she's always fergittin her clothes befur she leaves da house! I wish her da wuz alive because he'd give er' wotfur he would. Probably rollin' in his grave as it be."
Migraine coming on.
"Sos iffin ya should need ta drive across da bridge it be closed. Just wanted ta let ya know."
WHAT? When am I going to be there? Not anytime soon. I tell ya the woman will drive anyone sane into insanity. Give her two minutes of your time and before you know it you will be crazier than a loon thanks to me grey-haired, apple-cheeked little Mam. But that wasn't all. There was more. Brace yourself this next bit be MORE bizarre.
"Johnny Kelley died he did, may he be dead a year befur the devil hears of it, God rest his sol; he wuz yer fatter's age and I said ta yer fatter at da wake as we wuz lukin' in da casket, dat dat could be him if he isn't careful."
Oh my God, the woman!
"So we sat down and as da service wuz goin' on, Brigid Duffy wuz cryin' up a storm and dis got Annie Kelley's attention as to WHY. I luked at yer fatter and he luked at me with raised eyebrows and we just shook our heads . . . just like everyone else wuz dare.
"But rite after da service dey had us all goo oop ta pay our last respects an we wuz standin' in da queue when dare wuz sumting goin' on oop by the casket. Dare wuz a shovin' match and angry words bein' thrown around. We couldn't see nuthin' until Mrs. Kelley came spinnin' down da line pullin' on Brigid Duffy's hair and had her in a headlock she did! Brigid wuz cursin' her out like dare wuz no tomorra I gotta tell ya, a pounded on Annie as dey took out da line like we wuz a line of dominos. Seems Annie Kelley had JUST found out wot da resta us knew and dat wuz dat Brigid wuz fer years Johnny's girlfriend (well . . . Annie has another name fer her), but anyway, dey were hittin' and scatchin' at each other and knockin' people doon so da funeral director rang da constables ta coom on over and do sumting' ta stop em' befur dey killed each other. Of course, it took em' a while to ring and yer fatter tinks it be because dey were hopin' fer more business ya know a few more caskets . . . It wuz a treble ting dat Johnny's wife wuz carted away and so wuz Brigid an half da mourners ended up at da casualty wit broken noses an ribs and such. Sos dey both missed da burial along wit half da people who had coom fer it.
OK, that was it for me. I was done, but then I saw a postscript. I squeezed me eyes shut like that would make it disappear but when I looked I could see the writing. I took a deep breath and read on.
"Gabriel you gotta write da queen an tell her dat not all Irishmen are drunks."
Oh for sure, I'll do that right now. NOT.
"Sum young man from Tipperary, a Bobby Pennefather . . . do ya know em?"
Oh sure, I know everyone from Tipperary. I even said out loud as if she were there, "GET SERIOUS MAM!" But Pennefather? Hardly an Irish name is it? I was wondering what Mam had put in her tea.
"Well, dis here Pennefather got himself in his coops he did and found his way ta Windsor Castle. You remember dat place where all da redcoats wit da hotshot electric rifles came marchin' by and scared ya."
I need to clarify this before I go on. I was at Windsor with the parents when I heard the marching of feet and I turned around to find meself in the way of the Queen's Guards who were totting semi-automatic rifles, not ELECTRIC rifles. I don't know where she gets this stuff from, and I don't even know who she be sometimes, like now. Anyway, it startled me, was a long time ago, I was a wheezer of a boyo and I thought the guards carried swords, but I was dumb, young and obviously not up on artillery. Anyway, they were almost upon me when I was pulled by me da to the side so they didn't trample over me. That was it, not a big deal. I was NOT scarred for life.
"Dis Pennefather wuz lurchin' around the castle near da Queen's apartments when he was stopped. Dey asked em' if he had a pass and he said, "Wot pass?" the dolt.
"And ya know wot he wuz? He was a lorry driver! I tell ya dese lorry drivers need to be kept at home dey do. He had been out drinkin' wit a bunch of em' he wuz. Sos his punishment wuz dat he hadda write a letter of apology ta da Queen and Duke AND the Queen's protection unit, AND dey banned him from all da pubs in da UK!"
Yeah so there! Gees. Actually, that last BE the punishment. How will he survive THAT? If it were me sitting in judgment, I'd send him back to Tipperary even if it be a long way. Well, that was the news from home. So enlightened was I, but I still had a small post-post script and it said:
"Don't quit yer job and becoom a lorry driver dare Gabriel, no goud will coom of it I tell ya! Love, yer Mammy."
Have you ever seen a grown man cry? Yeah, well . . .
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
2 comments:
I love your mom!
I can see holiday for you is going to be a lot of "fun"
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