03 December 2011
477
R. Linda:
I need to say that besides the catastrophe named Marla Kerkowski (see 03 Dec. 2011 story entitled Whoopie without the cushion), there be the catastrophe called breaking news. Usually, these events are exciting, interesting, or can be terrifying, horrible or just plain stupid. Well, stupid be what I got. It was a slow day. I was standing next to the wire enjoying a chat with a few colleagues when in came some news. The person in charge of breaking news came running over, watched the words come up and then shrugged and walked away. Well, this got us curious needless to say, and we craned our necks to read what the breaking news was. It was, four goats got loose on Highway 1 and were ambling about tying up traffic. Yee-ah. We moved away from the wire because we didn't want someone like Cruella walking by, taking a look and then telling one of us to get on it.
A short few minutes later the wire came to life and the person in charge came running over, read it, laughed and walked away. Well, as you can imagine we were intrigued. What was so funny? We shuffled back over and craned our necks to read a police report.
Thus:
Police responded to a residence where the resident reported that almost every day for up to four days, six vehicles would stop at his property or across from it, and the occupants would urinate on the roadside. Police asked if the resident could see the license plates or make of the vehicles and the answer was no they parked just out of his line of sight and he could only see the colours of the cars, but he counted six. Police advised said resident to call the police when the activity occurred again and to get out there and see if he could get a detailed description of the perpetrators. Any discerning trait might help in the investigation to identify the said urinators. Residents' reaction -- Seriously?
We guffawed at that one and went our separate ways. I got back to me desk and noticed Ms. Jaio's Smart Phone was sounding a lot like R2D2. It seems when Ms. Jaio gets a text message her phone makes the R2D2 beeping sound. When it rings, it plays . . . and this be disturbing, the Imperial March from Star Wars. I sat there staring at the silent phone thinking to meself that the strange Ms. Jaio has a Darth Vader complex. I wouldn't put it past her to find herself in control of the entire newsroom by the end of the year 2012.
That aside, I was wondering where Ms. Jaio was off to. It seems she took off with another reporter (since she said later, she could not locate me -- yeah I was hiding). They were, at the time her phone was making strange Star Wars noises, out on Route 1 covering a certain story on traffic tie-up. Hum, I vaguely remembered something about Route 1. Anyway, seems Dawn O'Neal (roving reporter) got a tip about traffic being tied up and off she went, the accommodating Ms. Jaio tagging along for the ride. It seems Jaio was ringing her phone in the hopes I'd pick it up since she sits across from me. Well, curiosity did get the best of me and I did look at the text message. It said, "Don Hit Der Otter Hit Der 2. Gots everiwer." Now after these weeks of working with Ms. Jaio, I have gotten pretty darn good at interpreting her writing. She writes just about everything she wants to say because her Chinese accent be such that it be hard to understand her verbally. As I looked at the message I thought, Don was Dawn so got that much. Dawn hit a DEER! That was it, a deer and an otter hit the deer too. WHAT? I looked at the text again and read it out loud. I thought that must be something, hitting a deer (and I was thinking with the car) and then an otter running out and hitting the deer too. Well, that was just ridiculous. I took her phone over to Mark and asked him to see if he could make head or tail of the text. He couldn't.
"I'd say what you think she has said is correct. But I don't know what 'gots everiwer' means." He handed me back the phone.
I went back to me office and just as I was about to sit down the Imperial March sounded. And as I fumbled to answer it, who should be walking by me? Cruella. She looked at me like I was a nutcase thinking it was MY phone and that was me ring tone going off.
"Oh no, no, this isn't me phone," I pointed to the thing as she looked over her shoulder at me.
"Well C3PO, I don't believe you, so answer your phone," she sneered and went into her office.
There was nothing for me to do but stop that insane music so I answered it.
"Hello, Ms. Jaio's mobile," I said not knowing really what to say.
"We hit der an now polis is heah," she said to me.
"You hit a deer and the police are there?" I asked.
"Yah polis is heah to mov der an we haf too fruck."
Too fruck? My mind instantly went into the gutter thinking she was informing me she was coming back for me to . . . never mind, then I realised what she meant.
"Oh! Tow truck?"
"Yah too fruck foe Don an me an otter . . . Otter swerved tu void gots but hit der.""
"Gots? Otter? What otter? What about the otter?" I asked confused.
"Otter is tootled. Don's cah is too. Der is tootled. But gots are ok."
"Totalled? What are you saying an otter was in the car? Gots are ok?"
"NO! Otter is tootled and Don's is too, whi you so stewped?" Her voice was filled with frustration.
"Ugh!" I said frustrated meself. "OK listen Ms. Jaio, is the tow fruck, I mean truck there as we speak?"
"Yah two too frucks. One foe Don's cah and one foe the otter." She explained to me uncomprehending brain. "An polis round up gots now an fruck is com foe gots."
I was silent as me brain tried to process this information.
"The otter was driving a car?"
"Yah," she said disgusted with me not understanding her and her not understanding me.
"And the police are rounding up -- oh capturing . . ." Then it dawned on my tiny brain, "the goats! So you must be on Route 1. I thought the traffic was tied up because of the goats." I said.
"Yah, polis run aftah gots on rue one we took detour but gots did tu, den it happen," she said, "gots outsmart."
I got the particulars as best I could, and it was like trying to interpret a foreign language . . . well. When I had enough I went to Cruella to tell her where Dawn and Ms. Jaio were and that they were all right, but the deer and the otter didn't make it. That they had been on Route One, but detoured chasing after the loose goats but the goats must have run through the cleared wooded section that the police cars usually park on to catch speeders, and came out on the back road that is parallel to Route 1, thus, scaring the deer and the otter into Dawn and Ms. Jaio's motor.
"Otter? Goats?" Cruella looked up from her paperwork.
"Yeah, something about an otter hitting the deer too. Must have been near a pond or something and maybe it came flying out of the woods and hit the deer in the road because it was scared by the goats."
She looked at me saying nothing. That made me nervous so I rambled on.
"I don't know. She said something about goats, I guess the ones that were loose on Route 1 be what she meant." I threw me hands up as she continued to stare up at me like I was a moron.
She put her chin in her hand and sighed she was speechless. She put her pen down and waved me out of her presence, shaking her head as if I was crazy and she didn't have the time for such.
About two hours later Dawn and Ms. Jaio arrived back in the office. Dawn went straight to see Cruella while Ms. Jaio flopped into her chair across from me. She looked worn out and grumpy.
"You ok?" I asked gently.
"Yah, but deer is dead. Tu bad."
"Yeah, and the otter too?"
"No," she looked at me confused, "Otter was ok but cah was tootled. We bot hit deer at sam time."
"How's that possible?" I asked her learning forward.
"I dun no we wer driving an deer com out an otter wus coming in opposite direction an BOOM at sam time."
"Oh. Well, as long as you are ok." I said realising only then what really had happened. It wasn't an otter it was another car coming in the opposite direction and the deer crossed the road and both cars hit it. It must have been traumatic not only for the deer but Ms. Jaio and Dawn both looked sad. Cruella let them both go home early to recover and once they were gone she came to me cubicle and leaned up against the opening.
"Really? An otter?" She smirked.
I cleared me throat and put me face in me hands in the hope she'd be gone when I took them down. I moved me index finger to see if she was still standing there, and she was. I took me hands down and gave her a weak smile and I shrugged.
"Yeah, that's what I thought, I'm glad I didn't put you on it as a story. I can see it now," she said using her hands to form a box, "News reporters involved in head-on collision with a deer and an otter. Carcases removed by C3PO with help of some goats. Story at six," she said and left me there feeling very foolish.
I can only hope Ms. Jaio will decide to move back to Beijing and I will be free of my role as interpreter to the bizarre. One can hope eternal as they say, but something tells me I will be interpreting erroneously for a long time to come. Sigh.
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
I need to say that besides the catastrophe named Marla Kerkowski (see 03 Dec. 2011 story entitled Whoopie without the cushion), there be the catastrophe called breaking news. Usually, these events are exciting, interesting, or can be terrifying, horrible or just plain stupid. Well, stupid be what I got. It was a slow day. I was standing next to the wire enjoying a chat with a few colleagues when in came some news. The person in charge of breaking news came running over, watched the words come up and then shrugged and walked away. Well, this got us curious needless to say, and we craned our necks to read what the breaking news was. It was, four goats got loose on Highway 1 and were ambling about tying up traffic. Yee-ah. We moved away from the wire because we didn't want someone like Cruella walking by, taking a look and then telling one of us to get on it.
A short few minutes later the wire came to life and the person in charge came running over, read it, laughed and walked away. Well, as you can imagine we were intrigued. What was so funny? We shuffled back over and craned our necks to read a police report.
Thus:
Police responded to a residence where the resident reported that almost every day for up to four days, six vehicles would stop at his property or across from it, and the occupants would urinate on the roadside. Police asked if the resident could see the license plates or make of the vehicles and the answer was no they parked just out of his line of sight and he could only see the colours of the cars, but he counted six. Police advised said resident to call the police when the activity occurred again and to get out there and see if he could get a detailed description of the perpetrators. Any discerning trait might help in the investigation to identify the said urinators. Residents' reaction -- Seriously?
We guffawed at that one and went our separate ways. I got back to me desk and noticed Ms. Jaio's Smart Phone was sounding a lot like R2D2. It seems when Ms. Jaio gets a text message her phone makes the R2D2 beeping sound. When it rings, it plays . . . and this be disturbing, the Imperial March from Star Wars. I sat there staring at the silent phone thinking to meself that the strange Ms. Jaio has a Darth Vader complex. I wouldn't put it past her to find herself in control of the entire newsroom by the end of the year 2012.
That aside, I was wondering where Ms. Jaio was off to. It seems she took off with another reporter (since she said later, she could not locate me -- yeah I was hiding). They were, at the time her phone was making strange Star Wars noises, out on Route 1 covering a certain story on traffic tie-up. Hum, I vaguely remembered something about Route 1. Anyway, seems Dawn O'Neal (roving reporter) got a tip about traffic being tied up and off she went, the accommodating Ms. Jaio tagging along for the ride. It seems Jaio was ringing her phone in the hopes I'd pick it up since she sits across from me. Well, curiosity did get the best of me and I did look at the text message. It said, "Don Hit Der Otter Hit Der 2. Gots everiwer." Now after these weeks of working with Ms. Jaio, I have gotten pretty darn good at interpreting her writing. She writes just about everything she wants to say because her Chinese accent be such that it be hard to understand her verbally. As I looked at the message I thought, Don was Dawn so got that much. Dawn hit a DEER! That was it, a deer and an otter hit the deer too. WHAT? I looked at the text again and read it out loud. I thought that must be something, hitting a deer (and I was thinking with the car) and then an otter running out and hitting the deer too. Well, that was just ridiculous. I took her phone over to Mark and asked him to see if he could make head or tail of the text. He couldn't.
"I'd say what you think she has said is correct. But I don't know what 'gots everiwer' means." He handed me back the phone.
I went back to me office and just as I was about to sit down the Imperial March sounded. And as I fumbled to answer it, who should be walking by me? Cruella. She looked at me like I was a nutcase thinking it was MY phone and that was me ring tone going off.
"Oh no, no, this isn't me phone," I pointed to the thing as she looked over her shoulder at me.
"Well C3PO, I don't believe you, so answer your phone," she sneered and went into her office.
There was nothing for me to do but stop that insane music so I answered it.
"Hello, Ms. Jaio's mobile," I said not knowing really what to say.
"We hit der an now polis is heah," she said to me.
"You hit a deer and the police are there?" I asked.
"Yah polis is heah to mov der an we haf too fruck."
Too fruck? My mind instantly went into the gutter thinking she was informing me she was coming back for me to . . . never mind, then I realised what she meant.
"Oh! Tow truck?"
"Yah too fruck foe Don an me an otter . . . Otter swerved tu void gots but hit der.""
"Gots? Otter? What otter? What about the otter?" I asked confused.
"Otter is tootled. Don's cah is too. Der is tootled. But gots are ok."
"Totalled? What are you saying an otter was in the car? Gots are ok?"
"NO! Otter is tootled and Don's is too, whi you so stewped?" Her voice was filled with frustration.
"Ugh!" I said frustrated meself. "OK listen Ms. Jaio, is the tow fruck, I mean truck there as we speak?"
"Yah two too frucks. One foe Don's cah and one foe the otter." She explained to me uncomprehending brain. "An polis round up gots now an fruck is com foe gots."
I was silent as me brain tried to process this information.
"The otter was driving a car?"
"Yah," she said disgusted with me not understanding her and her not understanding me.
"And the police are rounding up -- oh capturing . . ." Then it dawned on my tiny brain, "the goats! So you must be on Route 1. I thought the traffic was tied up because of the goats." I said.
"Yah, polis run aftah gots on rue one we took detour but gots did tu, den it happen," she said, "gots outsmart."
I got the particulars as best I could, and it was like trying to interpret a foreign language . . . well. When I had enough I went to Cruella to tell her where Dawn and Ms. Jaio were and that they were all right, but the deer and the otter didn't make it. That they had been on Route One, but detoured chasing after the loose goats but the goats must have run through the cleared wooded section that the police cars usually park on to catch speeders, and came out on the back road that is parallel to Route 1, thus, scaring the deer and the otter into Dawn and Ms. Jaio's motor.
"Otter? Goats?" Cruella looked up from her paperwork.
"Yeah, something about an otter hitting the deer too. Must have been near a pond or something and maybe it came flying out of the woods and hit the deer in the road because it was scared by the goats."
She looked at me saying nothing. That made me nervous so I rambled on.
"I don't know. She said something about goats, I guess the ones that were loose on Route 1 be what she meant." I threw me hands up as she continued to stare up at me like I was a moron.
She put her chin in her hand and sighed she was speechless. She put her pen down and waved me out of her presence, shaking her head as if I was crazy and she didn't have the time for such.
About two hours later Dawn and Ms. Jaio arrived back in the office. Dawn went straight to see Cruella while Ms. Jaio flopped into her chair across from me. She looked worn out and grumpy.
"You ok?" I asked gently.
"Yah, but deer is dead. Tu bad."
"Yeah, and the otter too?"
"No," she looked at me confused, "Otter was ok but cah was tootled. We bot hit deer at sam time."
"How's that possible?" I asked her learning forward.
"I dun no we wer driving an deer com out an otter wus coming in opposite direction an BOOM at sam time."
"Oh. Well, as long as you are ok." I said realising only then what really had happened. It wasn't an otter it was another car coming in the opposite direction and the deer crossed the road and both cars hit it. It must have been traumatic not only for the deer but Ms. Jaio and Dawn both looked sad. Cruella let them both go home early to recover and once they were gone she came to me cubicle and leaned up against the opening.
"Really? An otter?" She smirked.
I cleared me throat and put me face in me hands in the hope she'd be gone when I took them down. I moved me index finger to see if she was still standing there, and she was. I took me hands down and gave her a weak smile and I shrugged.
"Yeah, that's what I thought, I'm glad I didn't put you on it as a story. I can see it now," she said using her hands to form a box, "News reporters involved in head-on collision with a deer and an otter. Carcases removed by C3PO with help of some goats. Story at six," she said and left me there feeling very foolish.
I can only hope Ms. Jaio will decide to move back to Beijing and I will be free of my role as interpreter to the bizarre. One can hope eternal as they say, but something tells me I will be interpreting erroneously for a long time to come. Sigh.
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
2 comments:
she talks likie me! heehee
LOL mate!
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