14 August 2011
Story #442
R. Linda:
It started as a confused morning at my house. Sunday can be that way, especially when the Dragon is in residence. She took herself and a hungry O'Hare to the local Baptist church for Sunday services. The three left at home slept in. By the time they got back, Tonya had breakfast going, and we had pretty much finished up when the two churchgoers got to the table.
O'Hare was famished and whiny, and he gets that way when he does not have breakfast and has been up for almost four hours and is faced with something called religion. Dragon complained that he was obviously not used to church because he was antsy the entire time, and she didn't know how many times she had to tell him to sit still and hush. For punishment, she wanted him to help her clean up the breakfast things while Guido got his bath and I sat finishing up me cuppa and reading the Sunday news.
"O'Hare, if you will help Grandmother clean the table up, I'll give you a dollar," Dragon said.
So much for punishment. She was paying him!
"Five dollars!" O'Hare shouted at her.
"Five dollars? No, ONE! You greedy child." She said back.
"MY STOCKS ARE DOWN!" He yelled at her.
"Your socks are not down. They look perfect to me," says she.
"NO MY STOCKS!" He shouted, frustrated.
"You're shocked?" She thought she heard wrong and well . . .
"NO, MY STOCKS, AN YES, IMA SHOCKED DEY ARE DOWN!"
"Oh my gravy," she said, shaking her head at him. "You need to calm it down, young man."
"UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!" He groaned, throwing himself on the floor.
"O'Hare," I said gently, and Dragon thought I would say, 'You shouldn't talk so to your grand-dragon like that,' but I didn't. I continued, "I made $100 Friday investing in bank stock. You might consider it."
"Hum," he said, looking at me with interest, "Duz ya think ya could take wats in my penny jar an invest it in American Express tomorra?"
Only my son would think to say that. He heard Tonya and me discussing our losses with the market from the downgrade and decided he shared the stocks so . . .
Dragon looked rattled at this and looked like she was about to offer advice of her own that had nothing to do with buying and trading but cleaning a table, and I knew the lad was about to explode from sheer frustration with Granny Dragon. I decided to intercede before he got hold of Granny Dragon's skirt and started kicking her in the shins. So I said to them both in general while stretching, "WOW, I had quite a dream last night. I was babysitting for a Jewish man, his African wife, and their two Chinese sons, and I was getting Korean takeout with their dogs, an Irish Setter and a Russian Wolfhound."
Everything stopped. Even me wife, coming from the bath with a freshly bathed Guido in her arms, stopped in the doorway and looked at me as they all did.
"It's not meant in a racist way; it's diverse." Nothing was said; they just continued to stare. "Okay, it was really a dream of me and O'Hare at the movie Dancing with the Stars, and we were sitting there laughing when the audience got mad at us and started to get up to come get us. I noticed they were all passengers from the Titanic." I shook, like I had chills from the memory.
Tonya tsked and shook her head, and left to dress Guido. O'Hare sat on the floor, looking up at me with his mouth hanging open in surprise. Dragon stared at me like she was trying to ascertain if I had lost me mind.
"YOU need serious help," Dragon said to me and then to O'Hare, "Shut your mouth. You'll attract flies." To which his mouth clapped shut as if he had come out of a daze, and then he informed me, "Dere iz no movie called dancin' wit da stars."
"You're so right," I said to him, then to Granny Dragon, "I have a condition, yes I do, a condition in which memory be disturbed or lost due to having children."
"And what is it called, Gabriel?" She asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm and not really wanting to know.
"I think Momnesia. In my case, Dadnesia."
"Hilarious, funny man," she snorted, not really amused. "And this 'dadnesia' is prevalent in the way of strange dreams?"
I could not believe I had hooked her.
"Yeah, it's like dialling a number and forgetting who you were calling." I parodied me hand as a phone and said into it, "I'm sorry. I dialled your number but forgot who I was calling and why due to a bad case of amnesia." I smiled brightly at her.
"Oh, I do that all the time," she said, like no big deal.
"See? It's contagious."
She frowned at me.
"I think your sewing machine is out of thread," she said, meaning I had lost me mind.
I sighed. I started to clean the table; it was a habit while O'Hare lay on the floor, looking up at the ceiling, dreaming of the S&P, and Dragon took over the newspaper. She snapped the paper and looked around. I found out later that she was looking for her glasses but did not see them handy, so she started to read.
"Body for sale?" She quipped angrily.
"WHAT?" I looked over her shoulder and read, Boyd Ford Sale. "It's the Boyd Ford Motor Dealers sale on leftover Fords."
"Oh, where are my glasses at?" She shrugged it off.
I hoped I wouldn't have to sit back down and read her the paper.
"Is it going to be THIS kind of day, Mother Abdullah?"
"WHAT?" It was her turn to get testy. "Is THIS a journey into the male mind, which I believe is a potentially wasted space because, let's face it, nothing happens there."
"Ohhh," I said, responding to her zinger.
"Mother . . . " Tonya warned, returning to the room with a fully dressed and squeaky clean Guido.
"All ready to curse us out, are we?" I said to him as Tonya set him down. He grinned up at me.
"Gabe . . . " Tonya warned me and left us to do whatever Tonya does after breakfast, which I can tell you what she doesn't do, she doesn't clean off the table, that be left to me, she doesn't rinse off the dishes, that be left to me too, and she doesn't sweep the floor, that's me job as well. So I did all that around a squinting Dragon. O'Hare had gone to count his pennies for tomorrow's investment, and Guido, well, he's the new NO KID. I'd say did you have a nice bath and he'd say NO. I'd say to him, you want a cup of milk when he stood there pointing at the milk carton, and he'd still say NO, but when I gave him the cup, he took it. Oi!
"So Guid, you want to sit on Granny's lap so I can sweep the floor?"
"NO!"
"Now, LaGuardia, you can sit with me," Dragon smiled down at his precious little Guido face.
"NO!"
"You know you don't mean that. Come here," she said, trying to catch him, but he was fast. He shouted out one last loud NO! and was off to disturb the penny counting. Yes, he did. I stood there waiting for the scream, and it came. Yes, it did. O'Hare had counted out fifteen columns of ten pennies apiece, and within seconds, they were scattered all over the floor by one swift arm movement courtesy of GUIDO.
Both Dragon and I ran into the bedroom to see the shiny coins still spinning on the wood floor, O'Hare's face as red as his hair, the crocodile tears spilling onto the copper on the floor, his mouth open in howling fashion and there beside him, looking innocent as the day he was born, was his baby brother Guido. Hands in pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels, like a day in the park. If he could whistle, he would have.
I had Dragon remove the culprit, who she literally had to drag out of the room, screaming NO at the top of his Guido's lungs. I was surprised he didn't leave skid marks from the rubber soles of his sandals while I got down and started to count and put the spilt pennies back on the desk, talking soothingly to my ultra-sensitive conservative.
"Yeah, O'Hare, we'll invest big tomorrow. You have enough here. We cannot only throw some stock money at American Express, we can go for Exxon Mobile and maybe even a bit of Disney."
"OH MY GOD GABE!"
I looked up to see Tonya standing in the doorway. My way of soothing wasn't exactly hers, but it worked! He was all good about cleaning up those pennies, and then, to my shock, he up-turned the rest of them on the floor! I was like, what are you doing? He started counting those, and so I joined him. But he had other penny jars stocked away. I think he had fourteen of them! I was on that floor from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. counting pennies. The child has somehow managed to collect $479.14 in pennies! This morning, I opened him a savings account after arguing over breakfast that the interest he could accrue would be safer in a bank than investing (not that I would invest anyway, but he didn't know that).
How is it that me eldest son has more money than ME?
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
It started as a confused morning at my house. Sunday can be that way, especially when the Dragon is in residence. She took herself and a hungry O'Hare to the local Baptist church for Sunday services. The three left at home slept in. By the time they got back, Tonya had breakfast going, and we had pretty much finished up when the two churchgoers got to the table.
O'Hare was famished and whiny, and he gets that way when he does not have breakfast and has been up for almost four hours and is faced with something called religion. Dragon complained that he was obviously not used to church because he was antsy the entire time, and she didn't know how many times she had to tell him to sit still and hush. For punishment, she wanted him to help her clean up the breakfast things while Guido got his bath and I sat finishing up me cuppa and reading the Sunday news.
"O'Hare, if you will help Grandmother clean the table up, I'll give you a dollar," Dragon said.
So much for punishment. She was paying him!
"Five dollars!" O'Hare shouted at her.
"Five dollars? No, ONE! You greedy child." She said back.
"MY STOCKS ARE DOWN!" He yelled at her.
"Your socks are not down. They look perfect to me," says she.
"NO MY STOCKS!" He shouted, frustrated.
"You're shocked?" She thought she heard wrong and well . . .
"NO, MY STOCKS, AN YES, IMA SHOCKED DEY ARE DOWN!"
"Oh my gravy," she said, shaking her head at him. "You need to calm it down, young man."
"UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!" He groaned, throwing himself on the floor.
"O'Hare," I said gently, and Dragon thought I would say, 'You shouldn't talk so to your grand-dragon like that,' but I didn't. I continued, "I made $100 Friday investing in bank stock. You might consider it."
"Hum," he said, looking at me with interest, "Duz ya think ya could take wats in my penny jar an invest it in American Express tomorra?"
Only my son would think to say that. He heard Tonya and me discussing our losses with the market from the downgrade and decided he shared the stocks so . . .
Dragon looked rattled at this and looked like she was about to offer advice of her own that had nothing to do with buying and trading but cleaning a table, and I knew the lad was about to explode from sheer frustration with Granny Dragon. I decided to intercede before he got hold of Granny Dragon's skirt and started kicking her in the shins. So I said to them both in general while stretching, "WOW, I had quite a dream last night. I was babysitting for a Jewish man, his African wife, and their two Chinese sons, and I was getting Korean takeout with their dogs, an Irish Setter and a Russian Wolfhound."
Everything stopped. Even me wife, coming from the bath with a freshly bathed Guido in her arms, stopped in the doorway and looked at me as they all did.
"It's not meant in a racist way; it's diverse." Nothing was said; they just continued to stare. "Okay, it was really a dream of me and O'Hare at the movie Dancing with the Stars, and we were sitting there laughing when the audience got mad at us and started to get up to come get us. I noticed they were all passengers from the Titanic." I shook, like I had chills from the memory.
Tonya tsked and shook her head, and left to dress Guido. O'Hare sat on the floor, looking up at me with his mouth hanging open in surprise. Dragon stared at me like she was trying to ascertain if I had lost me mind.
"YOU need serious help," Dragon said to me and then to O'Hare, "Shut your mouth. You'll attract flies." To which his mouth clapped shut as if he had come out of a daze, and then he informed me, "Dere iz no movie called dancin' wit da stars."
"You're so right," I said to him, then to Granny Dragon, "I have a condition, yes I do, a condition in which memory be disturbed or lost due to having children."
"And what is it called, Gabriel?" She asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm and not really wanting to know.
"I think Momnesia. In my case, Dadnesia."
"Hilarious, funny man," she snorted, not really amused. "And this 'dadnesia' is prevalent in the way of strange dreams?"
I could not believe I had hooked her.
"Yeah, it's like dialling a number and forgetting who you were calling." I parodied me hand as a phone and said into it, "I'm sorry. I dialled your number but forgot who I was calling and why due to a bad case of amnesia." I smiled brightly at her.
"Oh, I do that all the time," she said, like no big deal.
"See? It's contagious."
She frowned at me.
"I think your sewing machine is out of thread," she said, meaning I had lost me mind.
I sighed. I started to clean the table; it was a habit while O'Hare lay on the floor, looking up at the ceiling, dreaming of the S&P, and Dragon took over the newspaper. She snapped the paper and looked around. I found out later that she was looking for her glasses but did not see them handy, so she started to read.
"Body for sale?" She quipped angrily.
"WHAT?" I looked over her shoulder and read, Boyd Ford Sale. "It's the Boyd Ford Motor Dealers sale on leftover Fords."
"Oh, where are my glasses at?" She shrugged it off.
I hoped I wouldn't have to sit back down and read her the paper.
"Is it going to be THIS kind of day, Mother Abdullah?"
"WHAT?" It was her turn to get testy. "Is THIS a journey into the male mind, which I believe is a potentially wasted space because, let's face it, nothing happens there."
"Ohhh," I said, responding to her zinger.
"Mother . . . " Tonya warned, returning to the room with a fully dressed and squeaky clean Guido.
"All ready to curse us out, are we?" I said to him as Tonya set him down. He grinned up at me.
"Gabe . . . " Tonya warned me and left us to do whatever Tonya does after breakfast, which I can tell you what she doesn't do, she doesn't clean off the table, that be left to me, she doesn't rinse off the dishes, that be left to me too, and she doesn't sweep the floor, that's me job as well. So I did all that around a squinting Dragon. O'Hare had gone to count his pennies for tomorrow's investment, and Guido, well, he's the new NO KID. I'd say did you have a nice bath and he'd say NO. I'd say to him, you want a cup of milk when he stood there pointing at the milk carton, and he'd still say NO, but when I gave him the cup, he took it. Oi!
"So Guid, you want to sit on Granny's lap so I can sweep the floor?"
"NO!"
"Now, LaGuardia, you can sit with me," Dragon smiled down at his precious little Guido face.
"NO!"
"You know you don't mean that. Come here," she said, trying to catch him, but he was fast. He shouted out one last loud NO! and was off to disturb the penny counting. Yes, he did. I stood there waiting for the scream, and it came. Yes, it did. O'Hare had counted out fifteen columns of ten pennies apiece, and within seconds, they were scattered all over the floor by one swift arm movement courtesy of GUIDO.
Both Dragon and I ran into the bedroom to see the shiny coins still spinning on the wood floor, O'Hare's face as red as his hair, the crocodile tears spilling onto the copper on the floor, his mouth open in howling fashion and there beside him, looking innocent as the day he was born, was his baby brother Guido. Hands in pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels, like a day in the park. If he could whistle, he would have.
I had Dragon remove the culprit, who she literally had to drag out of the room, screaming NO at the top of his Guido's lungs. I was surprised he didn't leave skid marks from the rubber soles of his sandals while I got down and started to count and put the spilt pennies back on the desk, talking soothingly to my ultra-sensitive conservative.
"Yeah, O'Hare, we'll invest big tomorrow. You have enough here. We cannot only throw some stock money at American Express, we can go for Exxon Mobile and maybe even a bit of Disney."
"OH MY GOD GABE!"
I looked up to see Tonya standing in the doorway. My way of soothing wasn't exactly hers, but it worked! He was all good about cleaning up those pennies, and then, to my shock, he up-turned the rest of them on the floor! I was like, what are you doing? He started counting those, and so I joined him. But he had other penny jars stocked away. I think he had fourteen of them! I was on that floor from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. counting pennies. The child has somehow managed to collect $479.14 in pennies! This morning, I opened him a savings account after arguing over breakfast that the interest he could accrue would be safer in a bank than investing (not that I would invest anyway, but he didn't know that).
How is it that me eldest son has more money than ME?
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
Ever notice when you set down your loose change at night the pennies go missing? That's why ;-) Just kidding. You have a good lad there saving his pennies. Must have made you very proud.
ReplyDeleteAnd finger sore from counting so much copper. Yeah I be proud and planning on him supporting me in me old age, LOL.
ReplyDeleteFather Christmas might be bringing a change counting machine.
ReplyDeleteHe's a smooth operator that Guido. LOL
ReplyDelete