23 August 2011
445
R. Linda:
You wanted me to write a story, but me life has been nothing but serious of late, so the only thing I can offer you an update on me life as Murphy of Murphy's Law be the following. SIGH.
Okay so here it be. Me peace and sanity were disturbed this past Tuesday (even more than by the fact Dragon be still with us) by the unexpected arrival of Weasil and his porky friend Rabby Kincaid. Yes, the same Rabby of the cigarette butt fiasco (see me blog story No Matter How Old We Are -- Boys Will Be Boys).
It started like this: I had gotten up early Tuesday morning (me day off), not because I meant to, but because Guido decided I shouldn't sleep in. Everyone else -- nah they could sleep, but his Da, NO! I thought he wanted a drink of water, but he wanted orange juice or 'ringe juicy' as he calls it. I got him that and shuffled back towards me bedroom and he yelled "FOOD!" Well, I was in a daze or haze or what have you and I went back to the fridge and stood there thinking it was 6 a.m. I be not about to start frying up eggs, I might burn meself. He stood there looking up at me the drool running down the front of him as if he had been sweating (big stain there). Well, there was a small place that the locals frequent for breakfast that opens at the crack of dawn (farm community after all), so I scooped him up, got him dressed, got meself presentable, left a note, and took him out for breakfast. While we were waiting for our eggs, he had got hold of the jelly tubs and I had to wrestle them away from him because one of his favourite things to do be to open them up and lick out the contents. While I was putting those out of his arm's reach he had gotten hold of the butter tubs and was spooning in butter in his piehole as fast as he could. It was gross R. Linda! The lad has some very strange eating habits, that or a tapeworm.
Eggs came, and he ate like a trooper he did, but when he was done, which was before me, he was bored, so he pressed his nose closed with two fingers and blew. What a sound! I didn't know where he leaned THAT but everyone turned around and started laughing. So, of course, he did it AGAIN and more laughter so this went on and on. I couldn't get him to stop and I tried to look stern but it was sort of funny. I almost wished the Dragon was with us, she'd have been mortified.
Anyway, I got me wee comedian home and found the house up, eating breakfast for which Guido sat for another sitting, I dunno, I see him in later years as this giant fat kid. I regaled the table with his antics and found out he learned the honking from O'Hare. Yee-ah. Shortly after, everyone went their separate ways, when I heard this pounding knock on me front door. I got up perplexed because I wasn't expecting anyone, and who do I find, Rabby Kincaid and the Weasil. I let them in as Dragon came trotting in to see who was disturbing her morning and when she saw Weasil, well you would have thought he was her favourite person in the whole world. She was greeting him like she never greets me -- with affection. Gees the woman!
"And who is THIS strapping young man?" She said holding out two fingers (yes R. Linda, the woman only extends fingers like a real toffy) and Rabby shook them looking highly amused at this gesture. He said to her he "didnae haf couties." She didn't understand the Scottish accent and looked at me for interpretation. It didn't come. So somehow or other she thought Rabby was the lawn help. We don't have a lawn boy, no we have ME, so where this came from I have no idea. Well, not to disappoint Rabby asked me if I needed the lawn mowed, he'd do it if I'd spring for lunch. Not one to not hand off work to someone else, I led him to the mower, gassed it up, got it started and left him to it.
He was out there singing and mowing along and I guess (believe it or not) this seeming fun got the best of the Weasil. He asked me where me "whipper thingie" was, he meant weed whacker. So again, loving this, I took him to it and he knew how to use one and off he went. Tonya looked amazed and suspicious as to what the two of them were up to that they'd do yard work. Dragon, just naturally assumed this was something they came over and did often. Yee-ah sure every week they travel from the UK to come cut me lawn, oi. She went out on the back porch, I guess to supervise or to admire the shirtless Weasil at work. As for me, I joined Tonya at the table with another cuppa and sat there enjoying the fact someone else was doing me job, while Tonya pondered the reason why.
I took me eyes off them for one second before Dragon piped up outside the screen door with, "What kind of dance is that Gabriel?"
I was like HUH? I looked out and there were the two of them running around the yard like two girls. Meanwhile, Dragon had left the porch for a closer look. Then I saw them, the swarm had found me two Scottish lawn boys. And who did Rabby go running towards? Yes, the Dragon suddenly had a case of deja vu and outran him for the door. As she came crashing in I ran out for the back hose and turned it on full blast hitting Weasil full in the face and down he went on the wet grass as Rabby ran passed me to the house right on Dragon's heels. While I was hosing down Weasil, Dragon stood panting for breath by the kitchen sink, thinking herself lucky when Rabby came bursting in she started screaming much to Tonya's shock and as Tonya got the gist of what had come in the kitchen with them, she shoved her mother into the lounge and shut the door and locked it. Then she went for the Benadryl as Rabby tore off his shirt and stupid him threw it on the floor where Tonya saw a few of the bugs still on the shirt. Meanwhile, Rabby was noticing one on his jeans and he was hitting at it with me newspaper, which when he was done, was unreadable.
"Robby the shirt! It's crawling with them, do something my mother is allergic!" Tonya shouted getting a glass of water ready.
Rabby went for the shirt and stomped the hell out of it but still, Tonya would not let Dragon in the kitchen. Dragon had been pounding on the door because nosey parker that she be, she wanted to see what was going on. Rabby kicked the shirt out the back door and it landed on me! I was now spraying meself as Weasil had got up and was struggling to get the nozzle away from me and back on him because now both of us were battling the angry wasps.
Rabby downed the meds as Tonya got four more out for Weasil and meself. We got in with no insects on us, but we were soaked. Weasil looked like I had punched him, his face was raw and red where he had slipped on the wet grass.
"Ima not goin' outty dere," Weasil said pointing at the backyard as he took the Benadyl and downed the water.
Rabby stood there laughing at us. I don't for the life of me know what he found funny.
"Someone hasta go out and git dat mower, turn it off an poot it oop," Weasil said looking at Rabby.
"Uh no, not wi oot a boocket a insect repellent," Rabby said wagging his head.
"Well, it isn't going to be me either," I said, "I be allergic and I have an appointment later and don't think going to it with me eyes sealed and swollen shut because of insect venom be a good idea."
After about 30 minutes of all of us sitting at the table sipping coffee and staring at the lawnmower, Dragon announced the swarm had left.
"I'll git it," Weasil said as Rabby half-heartedly protested he'd do it. But he didn't get up, so out went the Weasil to what Dragon said was "certain death." Nice huh? Well, Weas gave the mower a wide berth as he looked for the wasps, he came around the front of it and poked it with his foot. I was like who does this?
"He's stalking the mower the silly ass," Dragon observed, ready with her epi-pen should the Weasil come flying in the house.
You should have seen Mr. Macho Man out there tip-toeing around the machine, gently and slowly pulling it towards him, as far away from the suspected ground nest as he could. If he had a long stick with a hook he'd have been more comfy I'm sure. Anyway, he got it and put it in the garage shed for me. So much for getting the grass mowed.
"Whatt'e mak o that?" Rabby said proud of Weasil's efforts as the laddie walked in all proud of himself. "Whoy I woonae troost those wee buggees tae coom back." Then he looked at me and Weasil and said, "You toe lucked like toe lassies dancin' round a jig oot dere ye did!"
Oh yeah, I thought, wasn't that fat Rabby hoping and dancing for all he was worth at the beginning of the bug attack? As it turned out the real reason Rabby in particular had descended upon me abode, was that he had a job interview in Concord and wanted to spend the night. Yup. Weasil had offered to pay for a hotel room until Rabby was in the money again, but Rabby didn't want to be beholden to the Weasil (not many of us would). So with some reluctance, I started to say it was all right only I didn't get to voice me subtle displeasure because the Dragon told him "the more the merrier," and well, that's all he needed to hear and the smile that broke out would have blinded you if you had been there. Oi!
Me problem was where were we putting Rabby? The couch it had to be. He was fine with that, well of course he was he could watch the telly all night long and none of us would get any sleep. I was not a happy man.
"Sos listen, since yer taken in me friend Rabby here, why dunt I takes yer all outty fer seafood dinner tanight." The Weasil said. Again, before either Tonya or I could say yay or nay, Dragon had agreed. Oi!
To end this not-so-funny story, we get to the seafood restaurant which had a pirate theme going. In a nook as you come in and wait to be seated be a treasure chest with beads, seashells and a skeleton sitting amongst these things. Dragon looks over and says to Weasil, "My gravy but that skinny bones of a man is dressed entirely in white, makes him look awfully pale."
YES, SHE DID! She was referring to the skeleton. So much for cataract surgery! So Weasil glances over and not missing a beat says to her, "He's been waitin' on a table fer a very longgg timie."
This is what I had to put up with and forget everything else, after it was all said and done Weasil left for God knows where and Rabby went home with us. OI!
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
You wanted me to write a story, but me life has been nothing but serious of late, so the only thing I can offer you an update on me life as Murphy of Murphy's Law be the following. SIGH.
Okay so here it be. Me peace and sanity were disturbed this past Tuesday (even more than by the fact Dragon be still with us) by the unexpected arrival of Weasil and his porky friend Rabby Kincaid. Yes, the same Rabby of the cigarette butt fiasco (see me blog story No Matter How Old We Are -- Boys Will Be Boys).
It started like this: I had gotten up early Tuesday morning (me day off), not because I meant to, but because Guido decided I shouldn't sleep in. Everyone else -- nah they could sleep, but his Da, NO! I thought he wanted a drink of water, but he wanted orange juice or 'ringe juicy' as he calls it. I got him that and shuffled back towards me bedroom and he yelled "FOOD!" Well, I was in a daze or haze or what have you and I went back to the fridge and stood there thinking it was 6 a.m. I be not about to start frying up eggs, I might burn meself. He stood there looking up at me the drool running down the front of him as if he had been sweating (big stain there). Well, there was a small place that the locals frequent for breakfast that opens at the crack of dawn (farm community after all), so I scooped him up, got him dressed, got meself presentable, left a note, and took him out for breakfast. While we were waiting for our eggs, he had got hold of the jelly tubs and I had to wrestle them away from him because one of his favourite things to do be to open them up and lick out the contents. While I was putting those out of his arm's reach he had gotten hold of the butter tubs and was spooning in butter in his piehole as fast as he could. It was gross R. Linda! The lad has some very strange eating habits, that or a tapeworm.
Eggs came, and he ate like a trooper he did, but when he was done, which was before me, he was bored, so he pressed his nose closed with two fingers and blew. What a sound! I didn't know where he leaned THAT but everyone turned around and started laughing. So, of course, he did it AGAIN and more laughter so this went on and on. I couldn't get him to stop and I tried to look stern but it was sort of funny. I almost wished the Dragon was with us, she'd have been mortified.
Anyway, I got me wee comedian home and found the house up, eating breakfast for which Guido sat for another sitting, I dunno, I see him in later years as this giant fat kid. I regaled the table with his antics and found out he learned the honking from O'Hare. Yee-ah. Shortly after, everyone went their separate ways, when I heard this pounding knock on me front door. I got up perplexed because I wasn't expecting anyone, and who do I find, Rabby Kincaid and the Weasil. I let them in as Dragon came trotting in to see who was disturbing her morning and when she saw Weasil, well you would have thought he was her favourite person in the whole world. She was greeting him like she never greets me -- with affection. Gees the woman!
"And who is THIS strapping young man?" She said holding out two fingers (yes R. Linda, the woman only extends fingers like a real toffy) and Rabby shook them looking highly amused at this gesture. He said to her he "didnae haf couties." She didn't understand the Scottish accent and looked at me for interpretation. It didn't come. So somehow or other she thought Rabby was the lawn help. We don't have a lawn boy, no we have ME, so where this came from I have no idea. Well, not to disappoint Rabby asked me if I needed the lawn mowed, he'd do it if I'd spring for lunch. Not one to not hand off work to someone else, I led him to the mower, gassed it up, got it started and left him to it.
He was out there singing and mowing along and I guess (believe it or not) this seeming fun got the best of the Weasil. He asked me where me "whipper thingie" was, he meant weed whacker. So again, loving this, I took him to it and he knew how to use one and off he went. Tonya looked amazed and suspicious as to what the two of them were up to that they'd do yard work. Dragon, just naturally assumed this was something they came over and did often. Yee-ah sure every week they travel from the UK to come cut me lawn, oi. She went out on the back porch, I guess to supervise or to admire the shirtless Weasil at work. As for me, I joined Tonya at the table with another cuppa and sat there enjoying the fact someone else was doing me job, while Tonya pondered the reason why.
I took me eyes off them for one second before Dragon piped up outside the screen door with, "What kind of dance is that Gabriel?"
I was like HUH? I looked out and there were the two of them running around the yard like two girls. Meanwhile, Dragon had left the porch for a closer look. Then I saw them, the swarm had found me two Scottish lawn boys. And who did Rabby go running towards? Yes, the Dragon suddenly had a case of deja vu and outran him for the door. As she came crashing in I ran out for the back hose and turned it on full blast hitting Weasil full in the face and down he went on the wet grass as Rabby ran passed me to the house right on Dragon's heels. While I was hosing down Weasil, Dragon stood panting for breath by the kitchen sink, thinking herself lucky when Rabby came bursting in she started screaming much to Tonya's shock and as Tonya got the gist of what had come in the kitchen with them, she shoved her mother into the lounge and shut the door and locked it. Then she went for the Benadryl as Rabby tore off his shirt and stupid him threw it on the floor where Tonya saw a few of the bugs still on the shirt. Meanwhile, Rabby was noticing one on his jeans and he was hitting at it with me newspaper, which when he was done, was unreadable.
"Robby the shirt! It's crawling with them, do something my mother is allergic!" Tonya shouted getting a glass of water ready.
Rabby went for the shirt and stomped the hell out of it but still, Tonya would not let Dragon in the kitchen. Dragon had been pounding on the door because nosey parker that she be, she wanted to see what was going on. Rabby kicked the shirt out the back door and it landed on me! I was now spraying meself as Weasil had got up and was struggling to get the nozzle away from me and back on him because now both of us were battling the angry wasps.
Rabby downed the meds as Tonya got four more out for Weasil and meself. We got in with no insects on us, but we were soaked. Weasil looked like I had punched him, his face was raw and red where he had slipped on the wet grass.
"Ima not goin' outty dere," Weasil said pointing at the backyard as he took the Benadyl and downed the water.
Rabby stood there laughing at us. I don't for the life of me know what he found funny.
"Someone hasta go out and git dat mower, turn it off an poot it oop," Weasil said looking at Rabby.
"Uh no, not wi oot a boocket a insect repellent," Rabby said wagging his head.
"Well, it isn't going to be me either," I said, "I be allergic and I have an appointment later and don't think going to it with me eyes sealed and swollen shut because of insect venom be a good idea."
After about 30 minutes of all of us sitting at the table sipping coffee and staring at the lawnmower, Dragon announced the swarm had left.
"I'll git it," Weasil said as Rabby half-heartedly protested he'd do it. But he didn't get up, so out went the Weasil to what Dragon said was "certain death." Nice huh? Well, Weas gave the mower a wide berth as he looked for the wasps, he came around the front of it and poked it with his foot. I was like who does this?
"He's stalking the mower the silly ass," Dragon observed, ready with her epi-pen should the Weasil come flying in the house.
You should have seen Mr. Macho Man out there tip-toeing around the machine, gently and slowly pulling it towards him, as far away from the suspected ground nest as he could. If he had a long stick with a hook he'd have been more comfy I'm sure. Anyway, he got it and put it in the garage shed for me. So much for getting the grass mowed.
"Whatt'e mak o that?" Rabby said proud of Weasil's efforts as the laddie walked in all proud of himself. "Whoy I woonae troost those wee buggees tae coom back." Then he looked at me and Weasil and said, "You toe lucked like toe lassies dancin' round a jig oot dere ye did!"
Oh yeah, I thought, wasn't that fat Rabby hoping and dancing for all he was worth at the beginning of the bug attack? As it turned out the real reason Rabby in particular had descended upon me abode, was that he had a job interview in Concord and wanted to spend the night. Yup. Weasil had offered to pay for a hotel room until Rabby was in the money again, but Rabby didn't want to be beholden to the Weasil (not many of us would). So with some reluctance, I started to say it was all right only I didn't get to voice me subtle displeasure because the Dragon told him "the more the merrier," and well, that's all he needed to hear and the smile that broke out would have blinded you if you had been there. Oi!
Me problem was where were we putting Rabby? The couch it had to be. He was fine with that, well of course he was he could watch the telly all night long and none of us would get any sleep. I was not a happy man.
"Sos listen, since yer taken in me friend Rabby here, why dunt I takes yer all outty fer seafood dinner tanight." The Weasil said. Again, before either Tonya or I could say yay or nay, Dragon had agreed. Oi!
To end this not-so-funny story, we get to the seafood restaurant which had a pirate theme going. In a nook as you come in and wait to be seated be a treasure chest with beads, seashells and a skeleton sitting amongst these things. Dragon looks over and says to Weasil, "My gravy but that skinny bones of a man is dressed entirely in white, makes him look awfully pale."
YES, SHE DID! She was referring to the skeleton. So much for cataract surgery! So Weasil glances over and not missing a beat says to her, "He's been waitin' on a table fer a very longgg timie."
This is what I had to put up with and forget everything else, after it was all said and done Weasil left for God knows where and Rabby went home with us. OI!
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
3 comments:
You'll look back on the early morning breakfast, bad eating habits and nose honking as humourous one day, mark my words. Actually, I thought the story funny even if the wasps are a deadly subject.
Don't like bugs, don't like undead monkeys either, but a dragon now that's a problem. My sympathies mate, I would think an extended stay is an overstay. Good solution would be a bottle of rum and a pickled brain. Preferably yours.
And all this time, during what sounds like a horror flick, O'Hare and Guido were colouring upstairs, minding there own business, when O'Hare looked inquisitively at Guido saying "wots dis?" holding up one very suspicious magic marker. Gabe, YOU didn't! LOL
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