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R. Linda:
It has been a day! I be feeling a bit better tonight. I rested, yes I did, me sainted little Mam put me to bed, tucked me in like I was three years old and served me tea and toast all day. I hate tea and toast, and now I really hate it, but I was pleasant about it. When she wasn't looking I fed it to the Newfie. That dog will eat most anything. With me being sick you would think it would be cause enough to call off tonight's festivities. What festivities do you ask? Why a tree trimming party, our first one! And how did we come upon such a thing? One guess and here be a hint, she's left me more tea and toast (I could open a B & B). Yes, you have got it right, me very own wee apple-cheeked Mam's brilliant idea. She got it into her head when a new neighbour came by to invite us to a tree trimming party. He's a young fella, as me Da refers to him, and he and the wife cut down a tree in their woods, thus saving lots of money and decided, "Hey, let's save some more and invite the unsuspecting neighbours to a tree trimming party, AND . . . and here be the best part, BYOB and a potluck dish, AND are you ready? Bring a tree ornament each," that way the couple has a free Christmas tree, decorations, and party too! YIPPEE!
I suggested we cut out paper gingerbread men and take that, but . . .
I know I be in Gabe Story Mode, and I'll get it all on the old blog eventually, but I needed to get this out of me system NOW. WHO BLOODY DOES THAT? I would never do something like that, if I couldn't afford the tree and ornaments, not to mention food and drinks for a party I was throwing, I'd do without. Anyway, this idea popped into me Mammy's head we should do something like that. I was like NOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOO. One more time, NOOOOOOO!!!
"We wouldn't tell peeple tae bring dere own ornneement, we would supply em' all dey have ta doo would be bring kookies for a kookie exchange and I'll make everyone a big pot o' tea, I will."
Yup. A cookie exchange. I can just see me old neighbour Benson, baking cookies after a day tending his farm. And Lois! OMG I can imagine where her hands have been and the dough . . . I be making meself sick, and sicker. And then there be the chemical couple who don't show their faces anymore, I foresee glowing cookies wafting down the hill. I really must stop this, the meds are making me deranged. Ok, more deranged.
Maybe later after me sick self has to act sicker for a party he doesn't want to attend, I'll write more. Sigh.
LATER THAT EVENING
I tried, I did, I tried to get out of this crazy cookie and tree trimming thing but it didn't bloody work! You'd have been proud of me walking around with me Griswold Moose Glass sloshing me non-alcoholic eggnog with a very long face "mingling" among the revelers, looking like I wish I could join in the fun, but . . . sigh I be sick. No one took pity on me, I got the polite, "Gee there Gabe, you SHOULD be enjoying yourself," and "Oh, poor Gabe, got the croup huh?" (What the hell is the croup? Sounds terrible whatever it is and no I don't have it.) I was pushed aside actually, to sit in a chair watching all of them singing Christmas carols and trimming MY tree, and drinking eggnog with rum in it, and eating cookies and every once and a while me sainted Mam would come in me direction with a plate of cookies and I'd think, Oh, for sure those are for me! But no, she'd pass me by and as she did she'd giggle and whisper, "These kookies are so goud, grand idea ME!"
I sat there mumbling into me bland eggnog at her. Well, the tree got trimmed a little heavy on the bottom because . . . KIDS WERE INVITED! Yup, as if drunk adults weren't enough, their kiddies came too. Mine were given a few gifts (it being the Christmas season and all) and they weren't trimming no stinkin' tree, no they were under me feet arguing. Since I was indisposed, I was therefore in charge of watching them. I don't think me wife knows the meaning of one being INDISPOSED. But that was me task for the night and if I had felt head achy and feverish before, well by St. Patrick, I was in amok sweat and headache city by the time the night was over and the boyos were done with me.
Just a little sidebar here. O'Hare can be a bit on the whiny side. He takes after his Dragon Grandmother in that trait. The youngest, LaGuardia (I know you laugh about that name and here's what I call him, Guido and why? Because even though you don't know what he's saying, when he's mad he curses up a storm like an Italian mob boss) anyway, LaGuardia is a neat freak like . . . em . . . em . . . OK ME! So as O'Hare got the alphabet blocks and dumped them on the floor for play, LaGuardia started picking them up and putting them back in the bag. O'Hare was frustrated beyond imagination when he finally got all his blocks in a row and as he got up to tell his Mam to come see, he noticed his blocks in A B C D E F H I J order and discovered the G was missing. As he turned around to look for it, LaGuardia lifted the H I J as well and this brought on a screaming tug of war as the little one tried valiantly to put the blocks he clutched to his bosom into the bag, and his brother tried to pry them away. I scooped up the letters not in use and exchanged them for O'Hare's by gently bartering the new ones for the others, and quickly handed those to the eldest so he had his lineup once again. Once back in order he took off to get his Mam. I let go me watching LaGuardia as I was interrupted by Lois and soon after the D E F G H I J K all went into the bag and all was left was A B C making O'Hare look not too smart alphabetically. This I hadn't noticed until a very proud O'Hare had his mother by the hand and pointed in triumph with a "Look Mam I . . . " and that was the end of it as his brow came over his eyes in fierce upset and watched as the B was removed and only A C remained, the B being ever so neatly placed back in the bag. It didn't take him but a second to leap on his brother as Tonya stood there momentarily in shock her 5 year old didn't know more than A B C, or in actuality, A blank C. Then she realised her other child was having the daylights socked out of him with a bag full of blocks. Go ahead laugh, it was all very quick, but neither child was hurt, except O'Hare's feelings that we all though him a mental midget and of course LaGuardia's that HE was doing a good thing and cleaning up after his messy brother and THIS was the thanks he got?
YEAH. I do hope these two never room together. I don't think it will be a good experience for either.
So once we were over THAT scene and the boyos were being watched by me Da (since I was not good at watching me own kids I be told by me less than happy with me wife), I settled into me chair and watched the merriment around me, sipping on me bland eggnog. Me wife did ask me if I'd like some cookies and I sheepishly said, I would try a few, me tum was settled thanks to the nog, and off she went and there I sat expectantly happy, cookies coming me way.
Well, I sat and sat and nothing. I figured dejectedly I wasn't getting any treats and just as I resigned meself to that thought, a hand came round the side of the chair with a plate filled with chocolate chip cookies, me fav! I almost jumped out of me chair for joy, the smile on me face must have been brighter than the tree lights, but it quickly was wiped out when the voice that accompanied the tray was Lois's. I was looking at a tray of Lois 'kookies' as me Mam would say. Eee yeah! I tentatively took them and tried to put a smile back on me face as she leaned in and pointed to the chips, "These are triple delight chocolate chips. They have dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate chips! I made them myself just because I know you like chocolate and not sure which chocolate, so I put all the chocolates in them," HAR HAR HAR!
She laughed like that, yes she did, and it was freaking infectious. I was so bummed out over this and feeling so cruelly used I couldn't stop with the HAR HAR HARS meself, and she was doing it and we got stupid over it and the cookies accidentally on purpose fell to the floor where they would be humanly non-edible, but not to a Newfie, CLEAN UP ON AISLE NINE was immediately invoked and they were gone, crumbs and all. I was saved and me ribs ached, and she was not happy but because it was so insane she started laughing again and we looked at each other and HAR HAR HARED until I noticed in mid-har me wife standing to the side, hands on hips watching this. Oh, was a terrible thing it was to have to stop HARRING! Lois immediately sobered up upon seeing Tonya and whispered she'd get me another batch as she fled the scene of the har har crime. THIS news got me to almost shouting out NOOOOOOOOOOOO. But I couldn't I just stood there like a deer caught in headlights.
What to do? I suddenly got a feeling of being really sick. I held me stomach and started whining like O'Hare and told Tonya I was too sick to continue in any social aspect of the evening. I was taking me sick self to bed and I shuffled out hoping she was buying the act. As I got to the kitchen I turned around and yes, she was still watching me, and so I feigned a weak wave at her and THAT action made her cut on her heel in the opposite direction, thus, letting me quickly run into the kitchen, pile a plate with cookies from people I trusted the ingredients. I poured a glass of milk and up the back stairs I fled with my booty, only to be met at the top of the stairs by ME WIFE!
SNAGGED. Big time. She knew what was in me mind. Here I was thinking I was so smart, I was drooling about cookies when in a blink of an eye, that dream came to an abrupt end.
"You are sick mister, remember?" She spat at me.
"Uh, well, I understand from YOUR mother that a treat or two when sick makes one feel better," I tried.
"I don't think it was MY mother that ever said that, maybe YOURS but not mine. Give that platter or you will make yourself sick for sure."
"This? THIS? This be not a platter, it be a plate." I said holding it back from her and offering the milk instead.
"It's a platter. There are enough cookies to feed the Argentine army. Give it here and the milk, you won't be needing that, it'll create mucous and you don't need anymore congestion."
I looked at the cookies and milk and then I looked at her.
"Make ya a deal," I said.
"I don't make deals . . . unless they include expensive jewelry and mink coats than I'll think on it."
I looked at her in opened mouthed horror at the materialism being suggested in me direction. I was stunned I was. Me own wife. I thought a minute.
"Em' would ya be taken cash instead?"
"Cash? As they say in Ireland, and grand it be ta do the buzee ness wid ya."
"Ohhh, ye do that too well me Tonya. All right then, how much ya be wantin?"
"Hum, let's see," and she looked over the platter of cookies, yes it was a platter. There were enough cookies down in the kitchen to feed us indefinitely. "How about a dollar a 'kookie'?" She smiled unctuously.
"WHAT?" I started counting the top layer of kookies, I mean cookies and I had no less than sixty cookies all total. "Look I'll make ya a deal, there are maybe twenty-five cookies here . . ."
"Try about fifty bucks worth," she said counting the top quickly.
"I will give YOU, $10.00 for the plate."
"What for the milk?" Asked she ignoring me offer.
"THE MILK TOO? Oh, all right, $2.00 for the milk. That's $12.00."
She stood there thinking then shook her head no.
"NO? What do you mean no? This is a bargain."
"I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. You give me $25 cash for cookies and milk and the Visa Credit Card for the morning."
Uh oh. Credit card can be maxed out in 5 minutes let alone the morning. The morning was just to make it sound like it was no time at all, but I know her better than that. One minute phone call and well . . . I be having me card maxed out.
"$20 and a limit of $10 on the Visa." I countered.
"That's not enough to buy dog treats. I have such a deal for you Gabe, $25 cash and $25 on the card."
"Deal!" I shouted handing her the platter and milk while I fished out the cash and card.
We exchanged items and she smiled, "Was nice doing buzee ness wit ya Mr. O," and off she went counting the cash.
I started off thinking I HAD COOKIES, when it hit me halfway down the hall, she got the original $50 she wanted in the first place! Stupid me! I fell for it, hook, line and kookies!
To make meself feel better I ate all the cookies. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE was getting any of me hard earned kookies, and so I stuffed me piehole and now I am really sick. Teach me to be a glutton. But after all that tea and toast can you blame me? Really?
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
It has been a day! I be feeling a bit better tonight. I rested, yes I did, me sainted little Mam put me to bed, tucked me in like I was three years old and served me tea and toast all day. I hate tea and toast, and now I really hate it, but I was pleasant about it. When she wasn't looking I fed it to the Newfie. That dog will eat most anything. With me being sick you would think it would be cause enough to call off tonight's festivities. What festivities do you ask? Why a tree trimming party, our first one! And how did we come upon such a thing? One guess and here be a hint, she's left me more tea and toast (I could open a B & B). Yes, you have got it right, me very own wee apple-cheeked Mam's brilliant idea. She got it into her head when a new neighbour came by to invite us to a tree trimming party. He's a young fella, as me Da refers to him, and he and the wife cut down a tree in their woods, thus saving lots of money and decided, "Hey, let's save some more and invite the unsuspecting neighbours to a tree trimming party, AND . . . and here be the best part, BYOB and a potluck dish, AND are you ready? Bring a tree ornament each," that way the couple has a free Christmas tree, decorations, and party too! YIPPEE!
I suggested we cut out paper gingerbread men and take that, but . . .
I know I be in Gabe Story Mode, and I'll get it all on the old blog eventually, but I needed to get this out of me system NOW. WHO BLOODY DOES THAT? I would never do something like that, if I couldn't afford the tree and ornaments, not to mention food and drinks for a party I was throwing, I'd do without. Anyway, this idea popped into me Mammy's head we should do something like that. I was like NOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOO. One more time, NOOOOOOO!!!
"We wouldn't tell peeple tae bring dere own ornneement, we would supply em' all dey have ta doo would be bring kookies for a kookie exchange and I'll make everyone a big pot o' tea, I will."
Yup. A cookie exchange. I can just see me old neighbour Benson, baking cookies after a day tending his farm. And Lois! OMG I can imagine where her hands have been and the dough . . . I be making meself sick, and sicker. And then there be the chemical couple who don't show their faces anymore, I foresee glowing cookies wafting down the hill. I really must stop this, the meds are making me deranged. Ok, more deranged.
Maybe later after me sick self has to act sicker for a party he doesn't want to attend, I'll write more. Sigh.
LATER THAT EVENING
I tried, I did, I tried to get out of this crazy cookie and tree trimming thing but it didn't bloody work! You'd have been proud of me walking around with me Griswold Moose Glass sloshing me non-alcoholic eggnog with a very long face "mingling" among the revelers, looking like I wish I could join in the fun, but . . . sigh I be sick. No one took pity on me, I got the polite, "Gee there Gabe, you SHOULD be enjoying yourself," and "Oh, poor Gabe, got the croup huh?" (What the hell is the croup? Sounds terrible whatever it is and no I don't have it.) I was pushed aside actually, to sit in a chair watching all of them singing Christmas carols and trimming MY tree, and drinking eggnog with rum in it, and eating cookies and every once and a while me sainted Mam would come in me direction with a plate of cookies and I'd think, Oh, for sure those are for me! But no, she'd pass me by and as she did she'd giggle and whisper, "These kookies are so goud, grand idea ME!"
I sat there mumbling into me bland eggnog at her. Well, the tree got trimmed a little heavy on the bottom because . . . KIDS WERE INVITED! Yup, as if drunk adults weren't enough, their kiddies came too. Mine were given a few gifts (it being the Christmas season and all) and they weren't trimming no stinkin' tree, no they were under me feet arguing. Since I was indisposed, I was therefore in charge of watching them. I don't think me wife knows the meaning of one being INDISPOSED. But that was me task for the night and if I had felt head achy and feverish before, well by St. Patrick, I was in amok sweat and headache city by the time the night was over and the boyos were done with me.
Just a little sidebar here. O'Hare can be a bit on the whiny side. He takes after his Dragon Grandmother in that trait. The youngest, LaGuardia (I know you laugh about that name and here's what I call him, Guido and why? Because even though you don't know what he's saying, when he's mad he curses up a storm like an Italian mob boss) anyway, LaGuardia is a neat freak like . . . em . . . em . . . OK ME! So as O'Hare got the alphabet blocks and dumped them on the floor for play, LaGuardia started picking them up and putting them back in the bag. O'Hare was frustrated beyond imagination when he finally got all his blocks in a row and as he got up to tell his Mam to come see, he noticed his blocks in A B C D E F H I J order and discovered the G was missing. As he turned around to look for it, LaGuardia lifted the H I J as well and this brought on a screaming tug of war as the little one tried valiantly to put the blocks he clutched to his bosom into the bag, and his brother tried to pry them away. I scooped up the letters not in use and exchanged them for O'Hare's by gently bartering the new ones for the others, and quickly handed those to the eldest so he had his lineup once again. Once back in order he took off to get his Mam. I let go me watching LaGuardia as I was interrupted by Lois and soon after the D E F G H I J K all went into the bag and all was left was A B C making O'Hare look not too smart alphabetically. This I hadn't noticed until a very proud O'Hare had his mother by the hand and pointed in triumph with a "Look Mam I . . . " and that was the end of it as his brow came over his eyes in fierce upset and watched as the B was removed and only A C remained, the B being ever so neatly placed back in the bag. It didn't take him but a second to leap on his brother as Tonya stood there momentarily in shock her 5 year old didn't know more than A B C, or in actuality, A blank C. Then she realised her other child was having the daylights socked out of him with a bag full of blocks. Go ahead laugh, it was all very quick, but neither child was hurt, except O'Hare's feelings that we all though him a mental midget and of course LaGuardia's that HE was doing a good thing and cleaning up after his messy brother and THIS was the thanks he got?
YEAH. I do hope these two never room together. I don't think it will be a good experience for either.
So once we were over THAT scene and the boyos were being watched by me Da (since I was not good at watching me own kids I be told by me less than happy with me wife), I settled into me chair and watched the merriment around me, sipping on me bland eggnog. Me wife did ask me if I'd like some cookies and I sheepishly said, I would try a few, me tum was settled thanks to the nog, and off she went and there I sat expectantly happy, cookies coming me way.
Well, I sat and sat and nothing. I figured dejectedly I wasn't getting any treats and just as I resigned meself to that thought, a hand came round the side of the chair with a plate filled with chocolate chip cookies, me fav! I almost jumped out of me chair for joy, the smile on me face must have been brighter than the tree lights, but it quickly was wiped out when the voice that accompanied the tray was Lois's. I was looking at a tray of Lois 'kookies' as me Mam would say. Eee yeah! I tentatively took them and tried to put a smile back on me face as she leaned in and pointed to the chips, "These are triple delight chocolate chips. They have dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate chips! I made them myself just because I know you like chocolate and not sure which chocolate, so I put all the chocolates in them," HAR HAR HAR!
She laughed like that, yes she did, and it was freaking infectious. I was so bummed out over this and feeling so cruelly used I couldn't stop with the HAR HAR HARS meself, and she was doing it and we got stupid over it and the cookies accidentally on purpose fell to the floor where they would be humanly non-edible, but not to a Newfie, CLEAN UP ON AISLE NINE was immediately invoked and they were gone, crumbs and all. I was saved and me ribs ached, and she was not happy but because it was so insane she started laughing again and we looked at each other and HAR HAR HARED until I noticed in mid-har me wife standing to the side, hands on hips watching this. Oh, was a terrible thing it was to have to stop HARRING! Lois immediately sobered up upon seeing Tonya and whispered she'd get me another batch as she fled the scene of the har har crime. THIS news got me to almost shouting out NOOOOOOOOOOOO. But I couldn't I just stood there like a deer caught in headlights.
What to do? I suddenly got a feeling of being really sick. I held me stomach and started whining like O'Hare and told Tonya I was too sick to continue in any social aspect of the evening. I was taking me sick self to bed and I shuffled out hoping she was buying the act. As I got to the kitchen I turned around and yes, she was still watching me, and so I feigned a weak wave at her and THAT action made her cut on her heel in the opposite direction, thus, letting me quickly run into the kitchen, pile a plate with cookies from people I trusted the ingredients. I poured a glass of milk and up the back stairs I fled with my booty, only to be met at the top of the stairs by ME WIFE!
SNAGGED. Big time. She knew what was in me mind. Here I was thinking I was so smart, I was drooling about cookies when in a blink of an eye, that dream came to an abrupt end.
"You are sick mister, remember?" She spat at me.
"Uh, well, I understand from YOUR mother that a treat or two when sick makes one feel better," I tried.
"I don't think it was MY mother that ever said that, maybe YOURS but not mine. Give that platter or you will make yourself sick for sure."
"This? THIS? This be not a platter, it be a plate." I said holding it back from her and offering the milk instead.
"It's a platter. There are enough cookies to feed the Argentine army. Give it here and the milk, you won't be needing that, it'll create mucous and you don't need anymore congestion."
I looked at the cookies and milk and then I looked at her.
"Make ya a deal," I said.
"I don't make deals . . . unless they include expensive jewelry and mink coats than I'll think on it."
I looked at her in opened mouthed horror at the materialism being suggested in me direction. I was stunned I was. Me own wife. I thought a minute.
"Em' would ya be taken cash instead?"
"Cash? As they say in Ireland, and grand it be ta do the buzee ness wid ya."
"Ohhh, ye do that too well me Tonya. All right then, how much ya be wantin?"
"Hum, let's see," and she looked over the platter of cookies, yes it was a platter. There were enough cookies down in the kitchen to feed us indefinitely. "How about a dollar a 'kookie'?" She smiled unctuously.
"WHAT?" I started counting the top layer of kookies, I mean cookies and I had no less than sixty cookies all total. "Look I'll make ya a deal, there are maybe twenty-five cookies here . . ."
"Try about fifty bucks worth," she said counting the top quickly.
"I will give YOU, $10.00 for the plate."
"What for the milk?" Asked she ignoring me offer.
"THE MILK TOO? Oh, all right, $2.00 for the milk. That's $12.00."
She stood there thinking then shook her head no.
"NO? What do you mean no? This is a bargain."
"I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. You give me $25 cash for cookies and milk and the Visa Credit Card for the morning."
Uh oh. Credit card can be maxed out in 5 minutes let alone the morning. The morning was just to make it sound like it was no time at all, but I know her better than that. One minute phone call and well . . . I be having me card maxed out.
"$20 and a limit of $10 on the Visa." I countered.
"That's not enough to buy dog treats. I have such a deal for you Gabe, $25 cash and $25 on the card."
"Deal!" I shouted handing her the platter and milk while I fished out the cash and card.
We exchanged items and she smiled, "Was nice doing buzee ness wit ya Mr. O," and off she went counting the cash.
I started off thinking I HAD COOKIES, when it hit me halfway down the hall, she got the original $50 she wanted in the first place! Stupid me! I fell for it, hook, line and kookies!
To make meself feel better I ate all the cookies. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE was getting any of me hard earned kookies, and so I stuffed me piehole and now I am really sick. Teach me to be a glutton. But after all that tea and toast can you blame me? Really?
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
7 comments:
ROFLMAO
YOU'RE A FREAKING MANIAC!
croup is what babies get. fever, coughing, and CRYING, LOTS OF IT.
you shoulda had a hot toddy.LOL
you wouldn't have given a damn about anything, and felt a whole lot better about all the people in the house. sorry, but LaGuardia?sheesh.LOL
as for sneaking cookies, I'm a pro. You use a ziploc bad and slip it under your shirt or the back of your trousers.LOL
such an amateur.LOL
Well, I didn't know what croup was, they were saying it to me with sly smiles on their faces. I had no clue. And as to the cookies, a ziplock would have to have been two of the big ones to hide the amount of cookies I had. Just to be a smarty arse I ate them all and I'm still paying the price. I now am sporting a muffin top. Yes I am! Go ahead laugh.
I'm laughing!!!!ROFLMAO
but since you have the metabolism of SEABISCUIT, I wont laugh for long.
SIGH
I'm built more like a Hobbit. minus the hairy feet!
I can attest to the back of the head looking suspiciously hobbit-like. I have suspected your feet might be too, because you protest them overly much Ms. Orange Crocs.
OKAY OKAY!!!
I SHAVE THE DAMN FEET!LMAO
they're still small.LOL
I KNEW IT!
Sooo. Did you do a happy dance? hmmmm?
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