7 November 2010
327
R. Linda:
It was a hard evening. I sat on me couch trying to watch the telly last night, but Mr. Kits growling under the couch made me uneasy. Mam said he was after a mouse, but I knew if I put my legs down on the floor, they'd be attacked and more of a bloody mess than they were from the afternoon cuffing he gave me. I stayed up late because I could not get enough sleep. Sometime during the 48 Hours show, Mr. Kits had disappeared somewhere in the house, and this put me on edge. So on edge, it was extremely difficult for me to get any sleep last night. So when you asked me for a story, I tried, and only got:
Once upon a time . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
However, I am sufficiently sober and wide awake NOW. I was forced into lucidity not by me own brain power, but . . . I can't go there right now, it's all too fresh in me mind. Give me a few minutes to compose meself and I'll try again.
Sometime later:
Okay, so I had some tea to settle my shattered nerves and will give it another go. So, since I did not sleep well (the reason being that Tonya sleeps with the door open so she might hear the boyos if they should get up) thinking Mr. Kits would sneak in and get me while I dozed, the result this morning is me, mostly out of it. I got up, Tonya was already up, and I bent over from atop the bed and looked under it. Nothing. I quietly put my feet down and got up. I looked around the room, nothing, no cat. I quickly shut the door, got to the shower, and looked in, it was cat-free. I got meself showered and started to get dressed when I realised me dark blue shirt was full of fur. That damn cat! Even me jeans had fur hanging off and forgot me clean socks, Mr. Kits had somehow got into the dresser and furred all my clothes! Now tell me that cat doesn't have it in for me. I did the best I could with a lint brush and dressed realising I smelled like Mr. Kits and was dressed in his fur. Oi! Quietly I opened the bedroom door and looked down the hall. Nothing again, just the Newfie snoozing. I tiptoed down the hallway but not before the dog gave me a low growl thinking I was the cat, and down the stairs I took me. I could smell breakfast and this set me to move a little quicker when out of nowhere that damn cat appeared in front of me, blocking me from the kitchen door.
It horse danced, yes it did, it arched its back and did that sideways dance in my direction.
"Oh this can't be good," I said aloud. I backed up, picked up a pillow from the couch to defend meself and started to air swat at the dancing, and now hissing cat. We went around the lounge that way until I caught sight of Tonya standing in the kitchen doorway watching me with an amused expression on her face.
"I be simply thrilled you be amused there Ton, this be no laughing matter, get me Ma," I said still swiping at the cat to keep it back.
I heard Mam come and she exclaimed, "Jeezus, Maree and Joseff! That cat is arched its back like a weasel, would ya look at it!"
WEASEL? I stopped and looked at Mr. Kits. He looked back at me un-arching himself, like WHAT? Yeah, you know what I was thinking. I scrutinised that cat thinking it was Weasil in costume. But it was much too small and besides, we all know Weasil is on the telly show Survivor masquerading as a blond kid named Fabio. Well, Mr. Kits walked off like I was the aggressor and he wanted nothing to do with me. He asked to go out, further making ME look like the loon.
I had breakfast, cat-free and nothing more was said, except for Tonya picking cat fur off me and me Da, helpful as you would be, telling me I should invest in a lint roller company. So after this amusement at my expense, I was thinking a little nap would be in order and I went to the couch, got me green Dragon-free blankie and settled in for a little kip. BUT Tonya had other ideas. Would I go outside and get some firewood? Do I have to was my question and Mam, helpful as always, told me not to answer a question with a question, she brought me up better than that. I was gobsmacked, here my life was on the line and one was forcing me outside with the cat that was looking to end me, and the other was reminding me of manners!
Reluctantly, and I mean reluctantly, I got meself into a sitting position and slowly removed the blankie. I sat there until Tonya barked, "NOW Gabe!" and I quickly stood up, and at a nasty look from her I took one small baby step away from the couch, yes, I was practising the art of reluctance. And, I was good at it!
I got my shoes and put one foot in only to take it out faster than I'd done anything that morning. Me shoe had . . . this is gross . . . a giant wet hairball in it! Now tell me that cat doesn't have it in for me? I dare ya.
I was incensed. I was shouting and jumping around and if I had a gun, I'd be out that door hunting down that damn hair-barfing cat! This is the second time in my life that I had shoes ruined by a cat. Do you remember me expensive Italians that the Pee Cat did her duty in? Well, now me own cat had upchucked hair, cat food and bile into me house moccasins. It took me wife and parents an hour to calm me down.
I got my boots, me hat and coat and was storming off for firewood.
"Gabriel, now you leave that cat alone, you're both even," Mam shouted at me retreating back, "Remember Mr. Kits be unarmed and you have an axe."
Yeah, I have an axe. I smiled at the thought. I had Jack Nicholson on my mind and I was ready for that cat!
"What's he gonna do pelt me with more hairballs?" I shouted going out the door.
"No, he'll leave cat hair on your work clothes for revenge," Tonya said laughingly reminding me of something I told her YOU said.
"Oooh I'm quaking in me boots," I said slamming the door behind me, and that was the last of it. I was outside in the elements, BUT not for long.
Before I could do anything, the cat came dashing at me, I dropped the axe and covered my head, but it ran on up to the stoop completely bypassing me, not a cuff, not a hiss, nothing. I stood there looking at the cat scratching on the door to get in when I heard a funny sound. At first, I just stood there looking at the cat trying to ascertain what I was listening to. I slowly turned back around and no less than fifteen wild turkeys were coming at me. They were in angry gobble and coming my way. I ran, I ran for the door, I couldn't get it open when I slammed it, it locked, it does that! Mr. Kit's was trying to use his claws to get it open and in our panic, neither of us could. I called a truce with him, he helps me, I'll help him. He took one look at the invading turkey army and jumped over the rail heading for the back as if to say, come this way, Gabe! It looked like the only way to go, so I jumped the rail too and took off after him for the backdoor!
The turkeys made the stoop just as I jumped and then as the two of us, cat and man made the back corner and swung around to the back porch, one of them, the size of a pterodactyl came overhead, its great shadow blotting out the sun as Mr. Kits looked up and instead of jumping for safety on the porch he went under it! I was too big to dive under it, I could not fit between the small lattice so I plunged onto the porch just as the bird scraped the hat off me head and landed on the porch roof. I was inside the screened area, but I knew, yes I did, that the screen would be made short work of and so I ran for the mudroom door and Bob's your uncle it was open and there I was inside, in the warm, welcoming kitchen with me family looking at me like I was an escaped crazy person.
"There's, there's, there's," I was out of breath and pointing to the back door. "I be tired of animals, I be knackered from lack of sleep, I be tired of wearing cat hair, and . . . and . . . pterodactyls are all over the backyard and . . . and . . ." Me sainted Mam came over and made me sit, me Da poured me a cuppa and Tonya and the boyos looked out back.
"Cool . . . " crooned O'Hare, "lookie dere," he pointed.
Everyone went to look except me. They all were in a trance over fifteen potential Thanksgiving dinners gobbling and pecking outside. Then I remembered Mr. Kits!
"Oh my God, Mam Mr. Kits . . . " I pointed furiously, not able to get another word out.
"OH NO, ye never mean those birds got 'em?" Mam said, the picture of a dramatic actress, the hand over her mouth in horror, the disbelief on her sweet little face, but for the twinkle in her eyes, I had to stop my sporadic breathing and take a better look at her.
While everyone else was talking turkey poundage, I went up to her and said, "Is this your idea of a joke? Was you and that damn cat set me up."
She pressed her lips together as if to keep the words inside and looked at me her eyes smiling for the mirth.
"I knew it!" I danced around, "Me own Mam in cahoots with me own cat!"
"Gabriel, what are you doin?" Me father turned around and asked. "Instead of actin' the fool get yer gun and go get us a few dinners."
"I know this will come as a shock to ya Da, but I do not own a gun." I looked at Mam who was busy freshening the teacups. Yup. And if there be any question in your mind about her sanity, this should tell it all. She's born of leprechaun folk, she's small enough and that should tell ya something about her. She's a jokester, talks to cats and skunks and oh yes, she also speaks TURKEY. Why do I have this uneasy feeling you and she are the same PERSON!
And to prove I be not completely a nutter, here be a picture of Mr. K's and me Mam's turkey army out in the driveway waiting for yours truly to attempt a dash to the car. Not gonna happen.
R. Linda:
It was a hard evening. I sat on me couch trying to watch the telly last night, but Mr. Kits growling under the couch made me uneasy. Mam said he was after a mouse, but I knew if I put my legs down on the floor, they'd be attacked and more of a bloody mess than they were from the afternoon cuffing he gave me. I stayed up late because I could not get enough sleep. Sometime during the 48 Hours show, Mr. Kits had disappeared somewhere in the house, and this put me on edge. So on edge, it was extremely difficult for me to get any sleep last night. So when you asked me for a story, I tried, and only got:
Once upon a time . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
However, I am sufficiently sober and wide awake NOW. I was forced into lucidity not by me own brain power, but . . . I can't go there right now, it's all too fresh in me mind. Give me a few minutes to compose meself and I'll try again.
Sometime later:
Okay, so I had some tea to settle my shattered nerves and will give it another go. So, since I did not sleep well (the reason being that Tonya sleeps with the door open so she might hear the boyos if they should get up) thinking Mr. Kits would sneak in and get me while I dozed, the result this morning is me, mostly out of it. I got up, Tonya was already up, and I bent over from atop the bed and looked under it. Nothing. I quietly put my feet down and got up. I looked around the room, nothing, no cat. I quickly shut the door, got to the shower, and looked in, it was cat-free. I got meself showered and started to get dressed when I realised me dark blue shirt was full of fur. That damn cat! Even me jeans had fur hanging off and forgot me clean socks, Mr. Kits had somehow got into the dresser and furred all my clothes! Now tell me that cat doesn't have it in for me. I did the best I could with a lint brush and dressed realising I smelled like Mr. Kits and was dressed in his fur. Oi! Quietly I opened the bedroom door and looked down the hall. Nothing again, just the Newfie snoozing. I tiptoed down the hallway but not before the dog gave me a low growl thinking I was the cat, and down the stairs I took me. I could smell breakfast and this set me to move a little quicker when out of nowhere that damn cat appeared in front of me, blocking me from the kitchen door.
It horse danced, yes it did, it arched its back and did that sideways dance in my direction.
"Oh this can't be good," I said aloud. I backed up, picked up a pillow from the couch to defend meself and started to air swat at the dancing, and now hissing cat. We went around the lounge that way until I caught sight of Tonya standing in the kitchen doorway watching me with an amused expression on her face.
"I be simply thrilled you be amused there Ton, this be no laughing matter, get me Ma," I said still swiping at the cat to keep it back.
I heard Mam come and she exclaimed, "Jeezus, Maree and Joseff! That cat is arched its back like a weasel, would ya look at it!"
WEASEL? I stopped and looked at Mr. Kits. He looked back at me un-arching himself, like WHAT? Yeah, you know what I was thinking. I scrutinised that cat thinking it was Weasil in costume. But it was much too small and besides, we all know Weasil is on the telly show Survivor masquerading as a blond kid named Fabio. Well, Mr. Kits walked off like I was the aggressor and he wanted nothing to do with me. He asked to go out, further making ME look like the loon.
I had breakfast, cat-free and nothing more was said, except for Tonya picking cat fur off me and me Da, helpful as you would be, telling me I should invest in a lint roller company. So after this amusement at my expense, I was thinking a little nap would be in order and I went to the couch, got me green Dragon-free blankie and settled in for a little kip. BUT Tonya had other ideas. Would I go outside and get some firewood? Do I have to was my question and Mam, helpful as always, told me not to answer a question with a question, she brought me up better than that. I was gobsmacked, here my life was on the line and one was forcing me outside with the cat that was looking to end me, and the other was reminding me of manners!
Reluctantly, and I mean reluctantly, I got meself into a sitting position and slowly removed the blankie. I sat there until Tonya barked, "NOW Gabe!" and I quickly stood up, and at a nasty look from her I took one small baby step away from the couch, yes, I was practising the art of reluctance. And, I was good at it!
I got my shoes and put one foot in only to take it out faster than I'd done anything that morning. Me shoe had . . . this is gross . . . a giant wet hairball in it! Now tell me that cat doesn't have it in for me? I dare ya.
I was incensed. I was shouting and jumping around and if I had a gun, I'd be out that door hunting down that damn hair-barfing cat! This is the second time in my life that I had shoes ruined by a cat. Do you remember me expensive Italians that the Pee Cat did her duty in? Well, now me own cat had upchucked hair, cat food and bile into me house moccasins. It took me wife and parents an hour to calm me down.
I got my boots, me hat and coat and was storming off for firewood.
"Gabriel, now you leave that cat alone, you're both even," Mam shouted at me retreating back, "Remember Mr. Kits be unarmed and you have an axe."
Yeah, I have an axe. I smiled at the thought. I had Jack Nicholson on my mind and I was ready for that cat!
"What's he gonna do pelt me with more hairballs?" I shouted going out the door.
"No, he'll leave cat hair on your work clothes for revenge," Tonya said laughingly reminding me of something I told her YOU said.
"Oooh I'm quaking in me boots," I said slamming the door behind me, and that was the last of it. I was outside in the elements, BUT not for long.
Before I could do anything, the cat came dashing at me, I dropped the axe and covered my head, but it ran on up to the stoop completely bypassing me, not a cuff, not a hiss, nothing. I stood there looking at the cat scratching on the door to get in when I heard a funny sound. At first, I just stood there looking at the cat trying to ascertain what I was listening to. I slowly turned back around and no less than fifteen wild turkeys were coming at me. They were in angry gobble and coming my way. I ran, I ran for the door, I couldn't get it open when I slammed it, it locked, it does that! Mr. Kit's was trying to use his claws to get it open and in our panic, neither of us could. I called a truce with him, he helps me, I'll help him. He took one look at the invading turkey army and jumped over the rail heading for the back as if to say, come this way, Gabe! It looked like the only way to go, so I jumped the rail too and took off after him for the backdoor!
The turkeys made the stoop just as I jumped and then as the two of us, cat and man made the back corner and swung around to the back porch, one of them, the size of a pterodactyl came overhead, its great shadow blotting out the sun as Mr. Kits looked up and instead of jumping for safety on the porch he went under it! I was too big to dive under it, I could not fit between the small lattice so I plunged onto the porch just as the bird scraped the hat off me head and landed on the porch roof. I was inside the screened area, but I knew, yes I did, that the screen would be made short work of and so I ran for the mudroom door and Bob's your uncle it was open and there I was inside, in the warm, welcoming kitchen with me family looking at me like I was an escaped crazy person.
"There's, there's, there's," I was out of breath and pointing to the back door. "I be tired of animals, I be knackered from lack of sleep, I be tired of wearing cat hair, and . . . and . . . pterodactyls are all over the backyard and . . . and . . ." Me sainted Mam came over and made me sit, me Da poured me a cuppa and Tonya and the boyos looked out back.
"Cool . . . " crooned O'Hare, "lookie dere," he pointed.
Everyone went to look except me. They all were in a trance over fifteen potential Thanksgiving dinners gobbling and pecking outside. Then I remembered Mr. Kits!
"Oh my God, Mam Mr. Kits . . . " I pointed furiously, not able to get another word out.
"OH NO, ye never mean those birds got 'em?" Mam said, the picture of a dramatic actress, the hand over her mouth in horror, the disbelief on her sweet little face, but for the twinkle in her eyes, I had to stop my sporadic breathing and take a better look at her.
While everyone else was talking turkey poundage, I went up to her and said, "Is this your idea of a joke? Was you and that damn cat set me up."
She pressed her lips together as if to keep the words inside and looked at me her eyes smiling for the mirth.
"I knew it!" I danced around, "Me own Mam in cahoots with me own cat!"
"Gabriel, what are you doin?" Me father turned around and asked. "Instead of actin' the fool get yer gun and go get us a few dinners."
"I know this will come as a shock to ya Da, but I do not own a gun." I looked at Mam who was busy freshening the teacups. Yup. And if there be any question in your mind about her sanity, this should tell it all. She's born of leprechaun folk, she's small enough and that should tell ya something about her. She's a jokester, talks to cats and skunks and oh yes, she also speaks TURKEY. Why do I have this uneasy feeling you and she are the same PERSON!
And to prove I be not completely a nutter, here be a picture of Mr. K's and me Mam's turkey army out in the driveway waiting for yours truly to attempt a dash to the car. Not gonna happen.
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3 comments:
now i noz yer a nutter LMAO
I agree with DumbDrop you ARE a nutter, but a funny one. LMAO
aaaaah the good old days. LMAO
wish it had been a video clip.
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