Talk About Upset Stomach

16 August 2010

305

R. Linda:

It has taken me a bit to relive last Saturday, but I be feeling better and isn't it funny, now it doesn't seem so bad a thing. Well, let me fill you in first by talking about small town fairs in the summertime and then what fun comes with them when you throw yourself in, hot dog, bun, mustard and all.

You know it be fun living in a small town. It's almost like being home in Ireland. There you'll find the big event of many a village is the horse fairs, which consist of farmers from all around bringing their horses (mostly big farm animals) into town where they line them all up and each farmer goes to another's and they examine and barter, and trade and buy. There are also goats, sheep, cattle, and vendors! Lots of vendors, me fav is the candy vendor with yellow man candy, which is a chewy toffee I adore and knowing this, I zero in on the candy vendors before anything else, and I stuff it down me gullet at every opportunity, it be simply amazing I have teeth. 

Now here in New England, there are fairs where there be big horse shows, prizes for cattle, goats, sheep and lamas! A little different from lining up the village with the barnyard but all the same there are vendors and another thing we don't have in the old country, contests! The hot dog contest was totally new to me, and me wife thought I should enter it as I can consume a great deal of food and it does not phase me. Well, I was game, I happen to love American hot dogs, and I was all about doing me best. 

I signed meself up, got a number (9, no not me age) and joined the other contestants as we waited for the sign up to end. I was standing there with the likes of Jersey Jaws Brokow, Mike the Mangler, MacCraver, Crazy for Hot Dogs Charlie, Mustard Milley, Moma Dawg, Kevin the Krusher, Dan Doggie Man, and Muncher Monty. I was given the name Gastronomic Gabe -- oh yeah! Aargh, aargh, aargh!

The idea was to shove down your throat as many hot dogs with buns as you could in ten minutes time, and the prize was not only bragging rights for the town, but you were gifted with a certificate for 5 free McDonald's Big Macs super-sized meals. I was a bit stymied on that one, I thought this was hot dogs and the prize was hamburgers? Well ok! And, a surprise gift. Not only that, you got to have your picture taken next to a man in a hot dog costume with the town mayor. OH BOY! And this photo was to appear in the town newspaper, even better! AND, next year when the fair rolled around again, the picture would resurface as an advert for the next hot dog eating contest. YEA! All I could think was thank the heavens if I won this, me picture wouldn't be in the Boston papers where all me co-workers would see it. Yeah.

Okay so we are given yellow and hot dog brown tee-shirts with a giant hot dog on the front with our number. We get up on this platform so the crowd can see all of us and there is this table and in front of each of us, a platter filled with hot dogs, I mean piled up there, like maybe 60 a platter with 2 liter bottles of coke apiece. I was thinking to meself, I love hot dogs! Bring it on! The crowd was cheering us, calling out our hot dog names and we were pumped. The mayor got up on the platform with us and the idiot sporting the hot dog suit, and spoke into a megaphone telling the crowd a little about the contest, and so on and finally he raised a pistol in the air and fired, the signal for us to start chomping.

As the crowd chanted "Eat, eat, eat" we chewed and chewed, and chewed some more and stuffed in another dog each, and took a swallow, then a swig of coke, then another dog and it went on that way until me jaws started to ache. I was determined though, I wanted to win I did, and like I say I could eat hot dogs all day long I love them that much. So rolling up me sleeves I settled down to some serious chewing and swallowing. We were all about even I thought and as I shoved another dog into me cake hole some idiot in a "Free Kobi" tee-shirt jumped on the stage and started proselytizing to the crowd about competitive eating legend Takeru Kobayashi's being banned from hot dog eating contests and how if we wanted to enjoy contests like this (a sweep of the arm in our direction), we needed to support Takeru Tsunami Kobayashi in his right as a competitive hot dog eating champion to be able to enter any contest he wanted. I was like WHAT? You're campaigning now? At my hot dog competition, MINE? Oh no you aren't.

"Let him eat!" The speaker shouted and the rest of the tee-shirt clad supporters joined in the chant throwing clenched fits in the air with each chant. 

"Aw he's passed his prime, come on get out of the way!" An onlooker shouted.

"This is ridiculous, get down from there!" Someone else yelled.

"Tak is an eating machine, he should be allowed in all competitions!" One of the tee-shirt clad shouted back.

It was getting heated I tell ya and I was chewing and thinking at the same time (I know a hard thing for me to do) about getting up and kicking butt off the platform so I could concentrate on me chowing down of a hundred hot dogs.

This shouting and blocking the view of the hot dog contestants got the crowd a little miffed, ok a whole lot of miffed. They started shouting at the person with the megaphone she snatched from the mayor's chair. She shouted back. Suddenly there were six "Free Kobi" tee-shirt wearing fanatics on the stage blocking all of us from the view of the crowd which meant to some of the crowd that unseen us, could cheat by chucking hot dogs under the stage. I guess that happened once and now they were like a swarm of angry bees about these "Free Kobi" people. The crowd started to rush the stage which was shaking under me feet. I looked at Muncher Monty who looked like a huge chipmunk and his eyes were big he'd choke from the movement of the stage while chewing. The stage swayed to the right, I was holding on as was everyone else, then it swayed to the left and then back again a few times. This was too much motion for Mustard Milley as she held her hands to her face and barfed. Yes, she did and that caused Crazy for Hot Dogs Charlie to do the same thing. I was like UGH! Muncher Monty and I looked at each other and it was like everything had stopped. 

I looked into his eyes and I saw determination, and I looked back at him, me brows down over me beady eyes daring him to take me hot dog eating style on. It was ON I tell ya. We continued to eat and chew, swallow and swig, never taking our eyes from the other, as the stage swayed back and forth. I heard a crash and someone shout that Dan Doggie Man had fallen off the stage in a pile of hot dogs and spilt coke, but not before he grabbed on to Moma Dawg to keep from falling and ended up taking big Moma with him. Tonya told me later that Dan Doggie Man was more a pancake when Moma got off him and she was throwing a fit about his pulling her over. They had a bit of a tif, as they tried to curse each other out with over stuffed mouths, but they were both so filled with food they couldn't do much damage.

Soon after the other end of the stage collapsed taking Mike the Mangler and MacCraver down with it. All I knew is there was some ruckus and I thought I saw yellow shirts and fist flying along with hot dogs and buns. But I couldn't be sure, I was too focused on me platter and Muncher Monty to care what was going on around me.

We had no clue what happened to the Kobi supporters, we were that focused on the dogs and each other. Later I found out from Tonya they were all dragged off by the collar of their tee-shirts and thrown in a police van. Somehow it had come down to Muncher Monty, Jersey Jaws Brokow, Kevin the Krusher, and yours truly, Gastronomic Gabe. 

I glanced at the big clock and we were eight minutes in, two to go, I had this, I knew I did. I was cramming hot dogs in me face like a house on fire, I could see Jersey Jaws Brokow next to Muncher Monty and I knew I was ahead of both of them. Kevin the Krusher, was moaning on me other side, and I knew, YES I KNEW he was filled to the brim and about to quit. He did, and that just spurred me on. I had finished me platter and I started on his, much to his disgust at seeing me eat. His face looked an odd shade of green, it did, and he held his big belly like it ached, he shook his head at me, like he half admired me, yet the thought of seeing someone eat just made him sicker. He pushed back and fell backwards off the stage into a stupor I think. I heard a call for paramedic so I can only think he was the one transported to hospital for a stomach pumping.

The feeding frenzy was coming to an end when the heavily favoured Jersey Jaws Brokow suddenly stopped, his eyes wide, he had broken his front gold capped tooth and oh begorrah him, had swallowed it in a swig of coke. He stood up horrified, his hands around his throat as if he could stop the swallow, but it was too late! Mad at himself he went stomping off the stage as Muncher realised he was out of hot dogs. He reached in front of me and grabbed some from the Krusher's platter and started jamming them in his mouth in a hurry to catch up to . . . wait for it, ME! 

The buzzer sounded, it was over, I had chewed me way through 43 hot dogs to Muncher's 39. YES!

"You out ate me," Muncher said to me in disbelief I actually defeated him, the reigning champ. 

"Yes, I did, BURP," I said covering me mouth, "excuse the burp, sorry."

"But . . . but . . ."

The Muncher was devastated, he sat there staring at me like he wished I'd barf up at least 4 hot dogs so we could at the very least tie. Didn't happen, LOL, I had WON the whole damn thing by four hot doggies and I was having trouble standing up I was. It was like what is going on? I looked down at me extended stomach and I could see, YES I COULD, the shape of half eaten hot dogs poking out of me tee-shirt. I looked over at the Muncher, same thing. 

"Yeah, don't get up just yet, let it all settle," said he.

I did, I don't think I could have got up even if someone had lit a fire under me arse. I sat there with a dumb expression on me face (according to me wife), and was rewarded me prizes and had me picture taken with the mayor and the hot dog man and was presented with the McDonald's Big Mac certificates (which I still don't understand, but not complaining about), and I got a $50 gift certificate at the local Home Depot. Now that was a welcome surprise, aargh, aargh, aargh!

Come later that night, as I sat on me laurels, enjoying the adoration of O'Hare who was very proud of his Da, I realised me stomach was not feeling good. Now, there was a gurgling going on and the upset got worse as the evening progressed, to where 30 of those 43 hot dogs decided they were not staying put and well, I won't go into the particulars but take my word for it, I stood over the porcelain god for a very long time, swearing off hot dogs forever, well, until next year. ;-)~

Gabe


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