Conclusion - Camping on the Parkway

15 July 2010

301

R. Linda:

Awful memories. Awful holiday, awful, awful, awful!

There I was, covered in ticks and I wasn't the only one. Tonya's brother had a few as well. Tonya worked on getting her brother tick free and somehow I had the Dragon coming at me with tweezers! It was like an awake nightmare that. She was clicking them at me. 

I said to her that you didn't use tweezers, get a match or rubbing alcohol or something to make them back out, then grab them with the tweezers. I got, "Yes, I know Gabriel," and she lifted up a small first aid kit and then directed me to sit down on a log so she could start de-ticking. 

I went over to a log not far from where we had the fire the night before, feeling totally grossed out to be covered in ticks and God only knew where on me body they all were. So I sat down on the log and suddenly I felt these sensations like needles going in me arms and hands and I see these black flying insects coming at yours truly, so I jumped up, and as one went zinging by me face, I realise I sat near or on a nest of yellow jackets! 

What next? Bee stings? I was like NO this cannot be happening! Me brother-in-law caught the action and got up and grabbed me dancing around self and flung me head first, with him, into the brown tea of a river. I didn't expect to be flung into water over me head. Me dancing stopped as I tried to get meself up out of the brown water to take a breath before I drowned. I broke the surface and he was diving under again as the flying stingers were on top of the water buzzing angrily around. I gulped a breath as well and went back under. We both must have done this six times before the winged demons took off. Meanwhile, on the bank Tonya and the Dragon were zipped in one of the tents armed with bug repellent. Me sister-in-law and father-in-law had taken off with me two boyos to pick up breakfast from some diner down the Parkway. So they were safe. 

I know, we should have been making our campfire breakie but O'Hare wanted pancakes and since Dragon didn't have the fixings, Father Abdullah remembered some dive down the road and decided for that morning we'd have diner fare. Why we all couldn't go I dunno, I just know Dragon nixed that idea because we were camping not visiting culinary establishments. I hardly think a diner a culinary delight, more uh . . . greasy spoon would you say? Doesn't matter, they were safe in pancake land and we were being dive bombed by insects with a vengeance.

Me and bro-in-law had realised we were safe for the time, we were treading water when I felt something against me legs. I couldn't see in the muddy water what was bumping against me and panic was starting to slowly rise up me body, you know the cold feel of a chill that something awful has a hold of you and that cold feeling creeps up your body and around your chest like it's going to squeeze the life out of you? I did not want to drown in that brown water, no so I kicked whatever it was and looked at me bro-in-law.

"Do you feel that?" I whispered since I couldn't seem to get me breath.

"Yeah, fish." 

"Fish? What kind of fish?" Here I be thinking first Loch Ness Monster now Jaws!

"Kissing fish. The river is full of them."

"What are kissing fish?" I asked, not liking the sensation because now there seemed to be more of them.

"They mouth the dead skin off ya."

Holy moley! That sounded dreadful, and with that explanation I swam to the shore. Not an easy thing to do with a million dead skin eating fish attached to your legs. I got to the steep bank and I could see it was all leaf strewn, damp and muddy. I tried to lift meself into a walking position but that was quite impossible because the bank was soft mud. Both of us had to crawl up the bank, so now I was covered in mud, leaves, ticks and LEECHES!

Talk about gross. As me bro-in-law was crawling up the bank I noticed these fat bloody looking warms attached to his short clad legs and as I started to tell him, I looked down at me own short clad tick infested legs to see I too, had leeches. I kicked and screamed and made me way up that bank before he even got halfway. Once up there I was shaking me legs and trying to brush the blood suckers off when the freaking yellow jackets came back full force and just about carried me off into the piney forest!

It was me bro-in-law to the rescue, he had grabbed another can of bug repellent and leech and ticks clinging to his legs and arms, he sprayed me for all he was worth as we both tried to fend off the stinging yellow jackets. We finally made it back to the campsite free of them. I wanted in the tent just to be safe but the women wouldn't let us in. 

"Get those leeches off first, I don't want you in here with those things," Dragon said, "and you both smell like toilets from being in the river."

Wonderful. We ended up de-leeching and de-ticking each other. We then went to the outdoor showers and guess what? No water, they didn't work. Yup so there we were, blood dribbling down our legs in watery streams from the river, stingers embedded in limbs, small red dots where ticks had been taking up residence and no freaking water! My scalp itched as well and I had been inadvertently scratching at it as had me bro-in-law when I noticed him eyeing the top of me head.

"Gabe, I think we have lice."

LICE?! Oh my God, what else can happen? It was so bizarre I wanted to cry, but Abdullah jr. started laughing at the absurdity of it and it was infectious. We stood there holding on to each other to keep from falling down laughing. It was funny suddenly, in it's bizarreness, it could only happen around me, as did most crazy things. I was now assured I was a human, walking, talking bad luck charm some Irish leprechaun had cursed. 

When me father-in-law came back he piled the two of us in the car and drove us to another campsite where the showers worked. While we showered, he sprayed the car with Lysol Disinfectant and then drove us back. By this time our predicament had sunk in back at the campsite and it was decided to trash the trip and go back to Cape May. And, the plan was to drop me and bro-in-law off at some decontamination clinic for the bug infested. But we had to drive in one car, the one that smelled of Lysol, since no one wanted to be anywhere near either of us. 

Our sides ached from laughing at ourselves. We finally found a clinic that was open on a Sunday. We walked in, both of us, eye's nearly swollen shut from reaction to bug venom, my arms were raised masses of redness with black stingers just below the surface, both of us sported red dots where ticks used to reside and forget the things running around the roots of our hair. 

The receptionist was told our quandary and she asked us to have a seat while she processed the paperwork. We were like, are you sure you want us in the waiting room among the un-infested, because they would all soon be the infested. She thought a second and then told us not to move. 

Well, a doctor took us both into a small room, looked us over and declared we needed a dip like they do for dogs with fleas. He gave us some medicine for the tick bites, told us what to do for the stings, he cleaned off the leech sucking areas, and gave us a prescription for delousing shampoo and soap for the rest of our bodies. He called in the scripts so we could drive through and not have to go in the pharmacy looking like a measles explosion. 

Yup.

We all ended up on the Cape May beach which is me in-laws backyard. I cut the holiday short four days by suggesting Tonya and I take me itchy self back to New England since it was no vacation for me. Me brother-in-law did the same. I just spoke to him on the phone, he said he was looking near normal and the louse problem was gone. I told him me too, except the stingers were still working their way up and I was making Tonya work overtime cleaning up the crusty baking soda that was flaking off me sting infested arms. Other than that, bug head problem cleared up and I was on the mend.

"What next? You think we're done?" I asked him.

"Nuh, probably find we both have a severe case of scabies from that river." And he laughed. 

I didn't. I did NOT think that funny. It took me another week to feel like I didn't have to itch somewhere on me bod. I checked and rechecked me scalp way too many times to not consider I now had a phobia for head lice which weren't there. I can't drive by a river now without thinking of dead skin eating fish and leeches. I will not approach a body of water ever again. I will not go walking in the woods either or sit on a log. No, I swear right here and now, I, GABRIEL ALOYSIUS O'SULLIVAN WILL NEVER GO CAMPING AS LONG AS HE LIVES!

Gabe

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