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R. Linda:
So I came home to find Tonya all alight, doing that Chef Ramsey thing of bouncing on the balls of her feet and socking her fist into her hand in true Ramsey fashion, to tell yours truly she won a cooking contest! Yea. Would I mind she is AWOL for a day and a night? Well, uh sort of, but I be wanting to live another day, so instead I said sure, go for it. And I too, started the bouncing and punching me fist into me other hand and she told me to quit making fun, but in reality I was trying to control me starting to yell inside me head, NO, YOU CANNOT LEAVE ME WITH TWO VERY WEE CHILDREN!
Ok, I think to meself, try to let the abject terror of being alone with two small children drift off into the ether and just get hold of yourself. After two hours, this I can say I did achieve with minimal success. I had two days to figure out how to keep her home with maybe me going in her stead, but no that wasn't going to work. I finally succumbed to the fact she was going to Connecticut for a day and a night and I was babysitting for the same amount of time and at home where I knew where things were. Yeah, that was reassuring. Not.
So off she went and there I was standing in the driveway, one child in me arms, the other standing next to me, all of us waving, or at least the two standing were, I had to hold baby's arm and make like he was waving too. I don't think he cared. Hell, he had no idea his mother was leaving him with ME. If he did he might have been wailing. But oh well.
The day was young and so we had already eaten breakfast, what to do now? I had promised Tonya I'd go to the garden centre and get some top soil. The kids wouldn't find that much fun, but it had to be done. When I started packing them up into their car seats the older one started complaining he didn't want to go "to no gardenie store. I wanna toy!"
Of course he did. So, not being above bribery, I told him if he was a good boy we'd go to the toy store afterward. That sort of did him UNTIL we pulled into the strip mall where not only the garden supply place is, but the toy store also. Guess which one we went to first? I was out shouted by two to one. Even the baby joined in yelling along with his brother, he was making noise and enjoying it, so to stop that nonsense, I agreed, toy store first.
What a dumb arse I am. We walked in and instantly I was besieged by an over zealous shop girl, could she help me, was there something SPECIAL I was looking for, was it someone's birthday, or did someone behave and was being rewarded? No, no, no, none of that said I, with good nature and tried to shake her off, but the Airport had other ideas.
"Where'z da Star Warz figers at?" He looked up at her with those innocent, but materialistic eyes and of course she crouched down to his level and started asking if there was a certain 'figer' he had in mind, and of course he did, Captain Kobe please and right this way and Bob's your uncle. There were like twelve different Captain Kobes.
"Which one?" I asked.
"All a dem," says he.
"No, no Buddy now I agreed to ONE toy, pick ONE."
"But momma buyz me all a dem," he stands his ground.
"Momma isn't here, this is your Da. Now pick ONE."
He stood there, arms folded across his chest in true Tonya fashion when she's annoyed.
"Like mother like son," I half snorted at the shop girl, who was looking at me like I was a cheap bastard. "Okay, two, two figures and we are going to get something for brother."
"Ooo kkk." He drew the word out like reluctance was an art form.
After ten minutes of taking one action figure down, then putting it back because he'd rather have another, he finally decided on the two he wanted. I could not believe I had to join in the selection process which went something like, "Buddy, that's a cool one, he's got a flame thrower."
"Notta fame thowah daddy, itz a gun!"
"Oh, ok, whatever it is it's cool."
"Nooo, I think I like dis one wit da shotermaglick."
"The what?" I asked, and the shop girl started to explain the latest lingo in Star Wars toys and I sort of zoned out.
We went to the cuddly animals and I found a cute puppy I thought the little guy would like, but no, I was told by the Airport that it didn't do anything. Meaning, it made no sound, it didn't roll it's eyes, it didn't light up, it didn't play tunes, so IT was not a "good toy" so informed was I.
Before I could put it back, the baby had reached out and found one that did all those things and he was pressing the red heart button on a plush dog that recited the ABCs and counted and sang, and did everything but eat and poop.
Because that singing, dancing, reciting dog cost me $30.00 we HAD to go back and buy more Star Wars action figures to make up for the price difference. And how did this happen? The Airport is very savvy when it comes to toys and how much they cost (he watches the telly commercials religiously). He informed me that the dog cost more than his two 'figers' put together and unfortunately the shop girl backed him up.
Sooo, $65.00 lighter the two of them had their toys. I made them leave them in the car because I didn't want to be looking for parts in the garden centre, because that is what always happens. They take them apart and then I'm looking for pieces. There was much crowing and crying and hissy fitting over this, but I managed to carry one and clamp an iron grip on the other and drag him into the "big people's BORING store" and of course people looked at me like I was a bad father for doing this. Once inside I released me grip and told the Airport, "no wandering off."
We got a carriage, I placed baby in the seat and would have put the older one in the basket but I got told he was a big boy and didn't ride in baskets like babies. OK. So I got two bags of the potting soil and I thought to look at the flower baskets to buy one for Tonya as a surprise. She wanted a hanging basket for the front stoop, so there we went. Unfortunately, where the hanging baskets live, so do the outdoor fountains, statuary, and an assortment of gardening tools. As baby and I perused the hanging flower baskets, the Airport was up to his elbows in water, his hands catching the water spitting out of a stone lion's mouth and then he started splashing. Yes, with joy in his voice he splashed an older woman who had the unfortunate timing of drifting passed him when suddenly she found herself getting a free fountain shower, courtesy of Mr. Airport. I ran over to him, then realised I'd left baby sitting unattended in the cart, so went back to get the cart and rolled on over in as swift a manner as I could without toppling it, to catch the Airport and move his wet, soggy self away from the water and the older woman.
I apologised to her profusely and she was nice about it and went on her way a little wetter than when she came in. I crouched down and had a wee chat with Mr. Airport on haphazardly splashing people who didn't need a shower. Back to the hanging baskets I went with the Airport shuffling behind me UNTIL he saw the garden gnomes and went running amok amongst them. Me heart jumped into me throat as he narrowly missed toppling a row of gnomes. I called to him to "get back here now!" He started to come until he saw a gnome that looked like the Travelocity gnome and bent down to pick it up.
"NO! Leave the gnome alone O'Hare. Do you hear me? We don't need a garden gnome."
"BUT MUMMY WANTS ONE," he shouted at me undeterred in his trying to lift it.
Once again I started for him and then remembered baby was alone in the cart and back I went, and then I had to carefully wend my way through the breakables to where the Airport was struggling to break that damn gnome.
I got him by the hand and started to pull him out of there, not an easy feat when you have a heavy cart full of potting soil and a baby. He set his heels into the dirt wailing his momma needed a gnome and THAT was the one she wanted, and why couldn't I buy it for HIS momma, and he was so LOUD and carrying on, I was embarrassed. He was loud enough everyone was looking at us and truly I didn't know what to do about it. If I had a bandana or even duct tape I think I would have been tempted to use them to shut the loudness up from issuing forth from a four year old, my four year old! Finally, I picked the damn gnome up and put it in the basket, people smiled indulgently at me. All the while I be calling meself a soft nutter for succumbing to such a scene. This was not the way to teach him that he couldn't do that sort of thing in the middle of a crowded store, but no, I only reinforced he COULD do that and get what he wanted because I just could not stand the stares.
I did apologise to the people within earshot, that WE didn't mean to disrupt their morning, but "me son gets excited over gnomes and when he gets excited he gets loud, very loud (I said under me breath)," ha ha. Right. As I was nearing the checkout I saw a bag of cow manure so I stuck that in me cart. Figured I'd fertilise the shrubs with it. The Airport asked me what it was and when I told him, he made a huge LOUD scene.
"COW POO? What fer do we need THAT?
"To fertilise the bushes," said I unpacking the cart at checkout.
"We could use BABY POO we have LOTS A DAT!" And he laughs really loudly all the while pointing at his little brother.
I looked at the cashier and said, "Children . . . " Ha ha ha.
"COW POO, you're funny daddy."
Oh yeah I'm funny all right. He turned to the lady behind us, the same one he gave a fountain shower to.
"MY DADDY'S BUYING COW POO," and he laughs loudly still and she smiles and that eggs him on, "MY DADDY'S SILLY." Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
IF ONLY I had not gone to the toy store first, none of the garden store stuff would have happened. Live and learn. Yeah and I have 16 more hours to live and learn!
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
So I came home to find Tonya all alight, doing that Chef Ramsey thing of bouncing on the balls of her feet and socking her fist into her hand in true Ramsey fashion, to tell yours truly she won a cooking contest! Yea. Would I mind she is AWOL for a day and a night? Well, uh sort of, but I be wanting to live another day, so instead I said sure, go for it. And I too, started the bouncing and punching me fist into me other hand and she told me to quit making fun, but in reality I was trying to control me starting to yell inside me head, NO, YOU CANNOT LEAVE ME WITH TWO VERY WEE CHILDREN!
Ok, I think to meself, try to let the abject terror of being alone with two small children drift off into the ether and just get hold of yourself. After two hours, this I can say I did achieve with minimal success. I had two days to figure out how to keep her home with maybe me going in her stead, but no that wasn't going to work. I finally succumbed to the fact she was going to Connecticut for a day and a night and I was babysitting for the same amount of time and at home where I knew where things were. Yeah, that was reassuring. Not.
So off she went and there I was standing in the driveway, one child in me arms, the other standing next to me, all of us waving, or at least the two standing were, I had to hold baby's arm and make like he was waving too. I don't think he cared. Hell, he had no idea his mother was leaving him with ME. If he did he might have been wailing. But oh well.
The day was young and so we had already eaten breakfast, what to do now? I had promised Tonya I'd go to the garden centre and get some top soil. The kids wouldn't find that much fun, but it had to be done. When I started packing them up into their car seats the older one started complaining he didn't want to go "to no gardenie store. I wanna toy!"
Of course he did. So, not being above bribery, I told him if he was a good boy we'd go to the toy store afterward. That sort of did him UNTIL we pulled into the strip mall where not only the garden supply place is, but the toy store also. Guess which one we went to first? I was out shouted by two to one. Even the baby joined in yelling along with his brother, he was making noise and enjoying it, so to stop that nonsense, I agreed, toy store first.
What a dumb arse I am. We walked in and instantly I was besieged by an over zealous shop girl, could she help me, was there something SPECIAL I was looking for, was it someone's birthday, or did someone behave and was being rewarded? No, no, no, none of that said I, with good nature and tried to shake her off, but the Airport had other ideas.
"Where'z da Star Warz figers at?" He looked up at her with those innocent, but materialistic eyes and of course she crouched down to his level and started asking if there was a certain 'figer' he had in mind, and of course he did, Captain Kobe please and right this way and Bob's your uncle. There were like twelve different Captain Kobes.
"Which one?" I asked.
"All a dem," says he.
"No, no Buddy now I agreed to ONE toy, pick ONE."
"But momma buyz me all a dem," he stands his ground.
"Momma isn't here, this is your Da. Now pick ONE."
He stood there, arms folded across his chest in true Tonya fashion when she's annoyed.
"Like mother like son," I half snorted at the shop girl, who was looking at me like I was a cheap bastard. "Okay, two, two figures and we are going to get something for brother."
"Ooo kkk." He drew the word out like reluctance was an art form.
After ten minutes of taking one action figure down, then putting it back because he'd rather have another, he finally decided on the two he wanted. I could not believe I had to join in the selection process which went something like, "Buddy, that's a cool one, he's got a flame thrower."
"Notta fame thowah daddy, itz a gun!"
"Oh, ok, whatever it is it's cool."
"Nooo, I think I like dis one wit da shotermaglick."
"The what?" I asked, and the shop girl started to explain the latest lingo in Star Wars toys and I sort of zoned out.
We went to the cuddly animals and I found a cute puppy I thought the little guy would like, but no, I was told by the Airport that it didn't do anything. Meaning, it made no sound, it didn't roll it's eyes, it didn't light up, it didn't play tunes, so IT was not a "good toy" so informed was I.
Before I could put it back, the baby had reached out and found one that did all those things and he was pressing the red heart button on a plush dog that recited the ABCs and counted and sang, and did everything but eat and poop.
Because that singing, dancing, reciting dog cost me $30.00 we HAD to go back and buy more Star Wars action figures to make up for the price difference. And how did this happen? The Airport is very savvy when it comes to toys and how much they cost (he watches the telly commercials religiously). He informed me that the dog cost more than his two 'figers' put together and unfortunately the shop girl backed him up.
Sooo, $65.00 lighter the two of them had their toys. I made them leave them in the car because I didn't want to be looking for parts in the garden centre, because that is what always happens. They take them apart and then I'm looking for pieces. There was much crowing and crying and hissy fitting over this, but I managed to carry one and clamp an iron grip on the other and drag him into the "big people's BORING store" and of course people looked at me like I was a bad father for doing this. Once inside I released me grip and told the Airport, "no wandering off."
We got a carriage, I placed baby in the seat and would have put the older one in the basket but I got told he was a big boy and didn't ride in baskets like babies. OK. So I got two bags of the potting soil and I thought to look at the flower baskets to buy one for Tonya as a surprise. She wanted a hanging basket for the front stoop, so there we went. Unfortunately, where the hanging baskets live, so do the outdoor fountains, statuary, and an assortment of gardening tools. As baby and I perused the hanging flower baskets, the Airport was up to his elbows in water, his hands catching the water spitting out of a stone lion's mouth and then he started splashing. Yes, with joy in his voice he splashed an older woman who had the unfortunate timing of drifting passed him when suddenly she found herself getting a free fountain shower, courtesy of Mr. Airport. I ran over to him, then realised I'd left baby sitting unattended in the cart, so went back to get the cart and rolled on over in as swift a manner as I could without toppling it, to catch the Airport and move his wet, soggy self away from the water and the older woman.
I apologised to her profusely and she was nice about it and went on her way a little wetter than when she came in. I crouched down and had a wee chat with Mr. Airport on haphazardly splashing people who didn't need a shower. Back to the hanging baskets I went with the Airport shuffling behind me UNTIL he saw the garden gnomes and went running amok amongst them. Me heart jumped into me throat as he narrowly missed toppling a row of gnomes. I called to him to "get back here now!" He started to come until he saw a gnome that looked like the Travelocity gnome and bent down to pick it up.
"NO! Leave the gnome alone O'Hare. Do you hear me? We don't need a garden gnome."
"BUT MUMMY WANTS ONE," he shouted at me undeterred in his trying to lift it.
Once again I started for him and then remembered baby was alone in the cart and back I went, and then I had to carefully wend my way through the breakables to where the Airport was struggling to break that damn gnome.
I got him by the hand and started to pull him out of there, not an easy feat when you have a heavy cart full of potting soil and a baby. He set his heels into the dirt wailing his momma needed a gnome and THAT was the one she wanted, and why couldn't I buy it for HIS momma, and he was so LOUD and carrying on, I was embarrassed. He was loud enough everyone was looking at us and truly I didn't know what to do about it. If I had a bandana or even duct tape I think I would have been tempted to use them to shut the loudness up from issuing forth from a four year old, my four year old! Finally, I picked the damn gnome up and put it in the basket, people smiled indulgently at me. All the while I be calling meself a soft nutter for succumbing to such a scene. This was not the way to teach him that he couldn't do that sort of thing in the middle of a crowded store, but no, I only reinforced he COULD do that and get what he wanted because I just could not stand the stares.
I did apologise to the people within earshot, that WE didn't mean to disrupt their morning, but "me son gets excited over gnomes and when he gets excited he gets loud, very loud (I said under me breath)," ha ha. Right. As I was nearing the checkout I saw a bag of cow manure so I stuck that in me cart. Figured I'd fertilise the shrubs with it. The Airport asked me what it was and when I told him, he made a huge LOUD scene.
"COW POO? What fer do we need THAT?
"To fertilise the bushes," said I unpacking the cart at checkout.
"We could use BABY POO we have LOTS A DAT!" And he laughs really loudly all the while pointing at his little brother.
I looked at the cashier and said, "Children . . . " Ha ha ha.
"COW POO, you're funny daddy."
Oh yeah I'm funny all right. He turned to the lady behind us, the same one he gave a fountain shower to.
"MY DADDY'S BUYING COW POO," and he laughs loudly still and she smiles and that eggs him on, "MY DADDY'S SILLY." Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
IF ONLY I had not gone to the toy store first, none of the garden store stuff would have happened. Live and learn. Yeah and I have 16 more hours to live and learn!
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
1 comment:
Slowly catching up. This I can relate to as well, though I'm the mommy. Bribery -- the only way to go sometimes.
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