8 April 2010
277
R. Linda:
So here I was thinking how great it was to be bunny costume free for another year. We were having Easter dinner at home for a change. None of this community centre stuff where everyone in town shows up for an Easter egg hunt (you remember that?), and an all day Easter dinner with plenty of neighbours with stories to tell loaded with local colour always included, and the local band of spoon and saw players with a fiddle and guitar thrown in for a song fest. Oh yeah, crazy times.
No, I somehow convinced the wife (with all my additional hours at work), that I could do with some downtime for Easter, and nap in the afternoon (in me hammock of course). Well, somehow she took pity on me overworked self and agreed if I'd do the grocery shopping and help her with preparation and pick up the cake, and maybe did a few hours of babysitting - she'd be good with it. This I agreed to, anything to keep from the pastel dressed crowd at the centre.
Easter dawned bright and beautiful, except it was 80 plus degrees and HOT. Completely unexpected and unusual weather for New Hampshire. Usually at this time of year we still have snow on the ground and it is a might chilly out there. Well, we had our little dinner which wasn't a little dinner by any means. I over bought so we had a huge turkey as if we were expecting six more people, and of course, Tonya stuffed it with sweet figs and sausage which I've got used to, and now I actually like. We made home made fruit salad, glazed baby carrots, mashed tatties and even had butter honey biscuits to go with it. The cake was an egg shaped confection from the bakery and was filled with sugared creme, chocolate and vanilla cake iced in a chocolate ganache. Fattening, very very fattening. Add to that we had coloured eggs (a dozen hard cooked beauties to be eaten as well), and wow the chocolate eggs, bunnies (with ears), jellybabies, and marshmallow peeps.
By the end of dinner I couldn't move. I sat there feeling like two ton Harry after an eating binge. I wanted to sleep and the hammock, I was afraid, would not hold me weight after such a feast, so I took meself to the lounge, got me green blankie (which was too hot, so I flipped it down) and had maybe an hour of kip. But not undisturbed kip, no, the kiddies were crawling all over me, the DVD of Alice in Wonderland playing all the while and well, I snoozed in spite of all that. When I awoke the strange was, I had a case of the munchies. I was feeling down right peckish and off I went for the hard boiled eggs and well, the Airport's Easter basket was sitting on the kitchen counter and I helped meself to a few creme eggs I did. I was ravenous, guzzling down soda pop and two hours later found meself snacking on turkey, stuffing and left over biscuits. I should be ashamed of meself.
When I went off to bed, before I closed me eyes, I made a pact with meself that I was done (did I mention I was sucking on a chocolate lolly as I lay there? I know, conflict of interests, yup, yup, yup). Tomorrow, I told meself, I would eat light, coffee for breakkie, rabbit food for lunch (salad not chocie bunnies), and maybe a slice of turkey for dinner. The next morning, I was sort of late getting me fat self up. I reckon it was all the food the day before had me sluggish, so I poured coffee in a travel mug as Tonya kept telling me I better get on the road, I'd be late and by the by she made me lunch. Oh, ok.
Off I went in a daze, got to the parking garage of me place of employment and noticed for the first time a rather large grocery bag sitting on the seat next to me. I looked inside and there was everything we had for dinner in microwave bins to heat at the office AND two turkey sannys stuffed with cranberry sauce, stuffing and lettuce, the only piece of rabbit food I was getting!
I couldn't look at it, but I took it up and threw it in the fridge in the common room. Wrote me name on it and forgot about it until lunchtime. I had completely wiped the bag from me memory until I walked into the room and a mate said, "Gabe, you moving in? You've got enough food for the whole floor."
I asked him if he'd like some, but he had already had his lunch and so, I retrieved the big bag from the fridge. I sighed, but by that time I was a tad hungry, so I ate the sannys (both of them), heated up the carrots and tats with gravy, ate the fruit salad while I waited and then noticed as I was putting the bins back in the bag to tote home, Tonya had packed me almost half of the cake! Well, that's a lie, it was half of the left over cake which was really three quarters of the entire cake!
It took me almost all afternoon to finish it, but I did. BURP!!! Yup.
I gave her a call and asked her what the hell lunch was about. She told me she had done so well on Jenny Craig she just couldn't stand the temptation so, she decided she did not want all that good food to go to waste, AND the next best thing was to feed it to me! Uh huh. By 5:30 when it was time for me to leave the office, I found I couldn't get up without difficulty. Me stomach had grown to the size of a full grown watermelon, and forget about the indigestion, I was not a well fat man.
I lurched out to me car and almost killed meself trying to get in the front drivers seat. I had grown five inches and me stomach was crushed against the steering wheel. I had to readjust the seat just to get in. Wow, I thought, can't be five more inches of me can there? Well, yes, yes there was. All the way home I be burping and torturing meself with the idea of exercise and eating light, two things I find difficult.
I got in the door to the aroma of LEFTOVERS! I should be ashamed to tell you that it smelled sooo good and I was hungry. How I could be such I have no idea, but I was. I sat me fat arse down and consumed dinner for two people. When I was done, I offered to help with the dishes, but had such a hard time getting me heavy self up, the wife shook her head and told me to go watch the news (like I don't do reporting for a living and have no idea what's going on in the world -- sigh). So I heaved meself into the den, flicked on the telly and went to sit down in me chair when I hear, CRACCKKK. The chair didn't break but it moaned and groaned under me weight it did. I saw Tonya had her sewing kit on the table, so I took out the measuring tape (which I never should have done) and out of curiosity measured me waist. It wasn't five inches, it was more like eight! I was horrified, I sat there in stunned realisation I was a fat pig.
Herself came waltzing in and I told her me sad story and she had the nerve, yes the nerve, to stand there and laugh. So there is no Tonya going to Jenny Craig it be ME! I be fecking upset with meself and more for letting her talk me into eating all that food so it didn't go bad. Well, me bod is going bad, I be looking like one of those men with a beer gut and I never had the pleasure of filling the gut with that delightful substance. Add to that I had to let out me belt a few notches to hold up me pants because I can't get the top button buttoned. Oi!
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
So here I was thinking how great it was to be bunny costume free for another year. We were having Easter dinner at home for a change. None of this community centre stuff where everyone in town shows up for an Easter egg hunt (you remember that?), and an all day Easter dinner with plenty of neighbours with stories to tell loaded with local colour always included, and the local band of spoon and saw players with a fiddle and guitar thrown in for a song fest. Oh yeah, crazy times.
No, I somehow convinced the wife (with all my additional hours at work), that I could do with some downtime for Easter, and nap in the afternoon (in me hammock of course). Well, somehow she took pity on me overworked self and agreed if I'd do the grocery shopping and help her with preparation and pick up the cake, and maybe did a few hours of babysitting - she'd be good with it. This I agreed to, anything to keep from the pastel dressed crowd at the centre.
Easter dawned bright and beautiful, except it was 80 plus degrees and HOT. Completely unexpected and unusual weather for New Hampshire. Usually at this time of year we still have snow on the ground and it is a might chilly out there. Well, we had our little dinner which wasn't a little dinner by any means. I over bought so we had a huge turkey as if we were expecting six more people, and of course, Tonya stuffed it with sweet figs and sausage which I've got used to, and now I actually like. We made home made fruit salad, glazed baby carrots, mashed tatties and even had butter honey biscuits to go with it. The cake was an egg shaped confection from the bakery and was filled with sugared creme, chocolate and vanilla cake iced in a chocolate ganache. Fattening, very very fattening. Add to that we had coloured eggs (a dozen hard cooked beauties to be eaten as well), and wow the chocolate eggs, bunnies (with ears), jellybabies, and marshmallow peeps.
By the end of dinner I couldn't move. I sat there feeling like two ton Harry after an eating binge. I wanted to sleep and the hammock, I was afraid, would not hold me weight after such a feast, so I took meself to the lounge, got me green blankie (which was too hot, so I flipped it down) and had maybe an hour of kip. But not undisturbed kip, no, the kiddies were crawling all over me, the DVD of Alice in Wonderland playing all the while and well, I snoozed in spite of all that. When I awoke the strange was, I had a case of the munchies. I was feeling down right peckish and off I went for the hard boiled eggs and well, the Airport's Easter basket was sitting on the kitchen counter and I helped meself to a few creme eggs I did. I was ravenous, guzzling down soda pop and two hours later found meself snacking on turkey, stuffing and left over biscuits. I should be ashamed of meself.
When I went off to bed, before I closed me eyes, I made a pact with meself that I was done (did I mention I was sucking on a chocolate lolly as I lay there? I know, conflict of interests, yup, yup, yup). Tomorrow, I told meself, I would eat light, coffee for breakkie, rabbit food for lunch (salad not chocie bunnies), and maybe a slice of turkey for dinner. The next morning, I was sort of late getting me fat self up. I reckon it was all the food the day before had me sluggish, so I poured coffee in a travel mug as Tonya kept telling me I better get on the road, I'd be late and by the by she made me lunch. Oh, ok.
Off I went in a daze, got to the parking garage of me place of employment and noticed for the first time a rather large grocery bag sitting on the seat next to me. I looked inside and there was everything we had for dinner in microwave bins to heat at the office AND two turkey sannys stuffed with cranberry sauce, stuffing and lettuce, the only piece of rabbit food I was getting!
I couldn't look at it, but I took it up and threw it in the fridge in the common room. Wrote me name on it and forgot about it until lunchtime. I had completely wiped the bag from me memory until I walked into the room and a mate said, "Gabe, you moving in? You've got enough food for the whole floor."
I asked him if he'd like some, but he had already had his lunch and so, I retrieved the big bag from the fridge. I sighed, but by that time I was a tad hungry, so I ate the sannys (both of them), heated up the carrots and tats with gravy, ate the fruit salad while I waited and then noticed as I was putting the bins back in the bag to tote home, Tonya had packed me almost half of the cake! Well, that's a lie, it was half of the left over cake which was really three quarters of the entire cake!
It took me almost all afternoon to finish it, but I did. BURP!!! Yup.
I gave her a call and asked her what the hell lunch was about. She told me she had done so well on Jenny Craig she just couldn't stand the temptation so, she decided she did not want all that good food to go to waste, AND the next best thing was to feed it to me! Uh huh. By 5:30 when it was time for me to leave the office, I found I couldn't get up without difficulty. Me stomach had grown to the size of a full grown watermelon, and forget about the indigestion, I was not a well fat man.
I lurched out to me car and almost killed meself trying to get in the front drivers seat. I had grown five inches and me stomach was crushed against the steering wheel. I had to readjust the seat just to get in. Wow, I thought, can't be five more inches of me can there? Well, yes, yes there was. All the way home I be burping and torturing meself with the idea of exercise and eating light, two things I find difficult.
I got in the door to the aroma of LEFTOVERS! I should be ashamed to tell you that it smelled sooo good and I was hungry. How I could be such I have no idea, but I was. I sat me fat arse down and consumed dinner for two people. When I was done, I offered to help with the dishes, but had such a hard time getting me heavy self up, the wife shook her head and told me to go watch the news (like I don't do reporting for a living and have no idea what's going on in the world -- sigh). So I heaved meself into the den, flicked on the telly and went to sit down in me chair when I hear, CRACCKKK. The chair didn't break but it moaned and groaned under me weight it did. I saw Tonya had her sewing kit on the table, so I took out the measuring tape (which I never should have done) and out of curiosity measured me waist. It wasn't five inches, it was more like eight! I was horrified, I sat there in stunned realisation I was a fat pig.
Herself came waltzing in and I told her me sad story and she had the nerve, yes the nerve, to stand there and laugh. So there is no Tonya going to Jenny Craig it be ME! I be fecking upset with meself and more for letting her talk me into eating all that food so it didn't go bad. Well, me bod is going bad, I be looking like one of those men with a beer gut and I never had the pleasure of filling the gut with that delightful substance. Add to that I had to let out me belt a few notches to hold up me pants because I can't get the top button buttoned. Oi!
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
2 comments:
I wrote this story because R. Linda complained that there were cobwebs on the blog and a sleeping bat in one of the corners, so JUST FOR ROLONDA did I write this story. I think the rest of you are also asleep. I think me Rotter story was rotten and it put us all to bed. SIGH. Writer's block is what comes with getting FAT. Lazy me. ;(
YOU'RE NOT FAT!!!
YOU'RE FLUFFY!!!ROFLMAO
Like I'm not short, I'm fun sized.
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